The continued failure of Carly Rae Jepsen to capitalise on the mammoth worldwide success of "Call Me Maybe" remains one of life's great mysteries. Like the sale of Filet-O-Fish burgers at McDonald's. Seriously, who buys that shit? The problem is not the music. As any discerning pop fan can attest, Kiss was one of finest recordings of 2012. There isn't a dud song on that album. Sure, some of it is kind of embarrassing if you're not a 12-year-old girl but even those bitches are snubbing Carly's flawless music. What the fuck is going on?
After minutes of deep thought, I've carefully come up with the following potential causes:
1. She's Canadian
Let's face it. Nobody's here for that backwater but being Canadian hasn't hindered Justin Bieber's chart prospects - so it can't be that.
2. Bad song choices
There aren't any bad songs on Kiss apart from the ballads, which I have long since deleted, so this is not an issue.
3. Her dumb fringe
Getting warmer. Carly has the worst hair in music and bitches obviously can not deal with that heinous 'do.
4. Age inappropriateness
It's occasionally disconcerting that a woman staring down her 30th birthday sings about steamy issues like holding hands and making wedding rings from guitar strings but Madonna has been making music for teenage gays since 1983 - so we're obviously willing to turn a blind eye to this. The mystery deepens.
5. Justin Bieber association
While being associated with JB clearly helped Carly get noticed, it could also be her downfall. Female and gay (ie. all) Beliebers are incredibly jealous and the fact that they toured together obviously got her blacklisted. It also made it easy for everyone over the age of 16 to dismiss the flop diva as a teen joke, when - in reality - her music is closer aligned to Kylie Minogue than Selena Gomez.
6. Carly's videos are terrible
Take "Tonight I'm Getting Over You". I love this song. The production is current and radio-friendly. It would be a massive hit if was recorded by someone it isn't embarrassing to openly like. To get over the Carly Rae stigma, you would film a gritty video to remind people that she's a grown woman and knows how to churn out an edgy club-banger? Right? Wrong. This silly bitch makes out with a guy young enough to be her son - trust me, they never get past first base because Carly obviously has a vagina just like Barbie - and then acts a fool by sitting in an empty room sprawled over an old TV set when not staring through lace curtains like a crazy person. What the fuck?
It's a sad day when a pretty woman in the twilight of her youth with a reed thin but capable voice can not bag a hit with the assistance of today's hottest hitmakers. I feel like homosexuals have really dropped the ball and can only repent by gifting "Tonight I'm Getting Over You" to everyone they know. Let the Carly Rae revival start here!