Monday, December 24, 2012

The 25 Worst Singles Of 2012

Another night, another massive outpouring of shade. This time I'm revisiting the worst singles of 2012. And yes, it was difficult to narrow them down to just 25. In a year marked by generic production, pointless samples and terrible remixes - there really was a lot to choose from. Many of the usual suspects are present and accounted for but a couple of my faves dropped the ball as well. I tried to limit each artist to one appearance but a couple of them were repeat offenders and pop up multiple times. I'm looking forward to working on my 'best of' countdowns over the next few days. Reviewing all this bad music is starting to take a toll!

So here are the 25 worst singles of 2012:

25. C'mon Let Me Ride - Skylar Grey feat. Eminem (Video)

Poor Skylar. All that talent and her major label debut single is a humiliating song about riding Eminem's dick.

24. Timebomb - Kylie (Video)

I love Kylie but this is one of the worst singles of her glittering 25 year career. "Timebomb" is dated, boring and embarrassing. Let's just pretend it never happened.

23. Trouble - Leona Lewis (Video)

A shockingly obvious copy of Emeli Sandé's "Daddy" - only without the darkness, grit and catchy chorus.

22. Inndia - Inna (Video)

This dumb bitch must have been smoking the good stuff when she decided to release a song about how much her name sounds like India.

21. Wings - Little Mix (Video)

En Vogue called and want their act back.

20. Don't Stop The Party - Pitbull (Video)

You know, I can deal with Pitbull when he randomly shouts out a couple of city names and then says "dale!" on someone else's track but a whole song of his bullshit is harder to take than a 12" cock.

19. Give Me Your Luvin' - Madonna, Nicki Minaj and M.I.A (Video)

Did Madonna really think she'd get all the kids singing "L-U-V Madonna" just because she stuck a couple of desperate feature-creatures on her record? The level of delusion is truly galling.

18. She Wolf - David Guetta and Sia (Video)

Sia continues to sell her soul to satan with yet another low rent feature. As much as I hate David Guetta, "Titanium" was a triumph. This is just a fat South Australian wailing non-sensical gibberish about a she-wolf over tired beats that made me feel abused like a coffee machine in an office. Shakira fans will get that last reference!

17. That's What We Do - Ashanti (Video)

Why is this redundant bitch still trying?

16. 16 & Unstoppable - Christina Parie (Video)

I interviewed Christina and she was lovely. Which is why someone needs to tell her to enrol in TAFE next year and get a real job because the music thing ain't gonna happen.

15. Whistle - Flo Rida (Video)

Oral sex tips from the man who brought us "In The Ayer". Thanks. 

14. You Won't Let Me - Karise Eden (Video)

That frumpy chick from The Voice desperately wants to be Adele. Shame then that she's another Casey Donovan.

13. Best Of You - Anastacia (Video)

A washed-up cunt singing bad karaoke.

12. Girl Gone Wild - Madonna (Video)

This is too easy. Madonna still remembers when dinosaurs walked the earth. In which alternate universe is she considered a girl? Let it go, bitch. Lady Gaga already stole your gays and nobody else gives a shit.

11. Cockiness (I Love It) - Rihanna (Video)

Think Katy Perry's "Peacock" without the tongue-in-cheek humour or thinly veiled penis metaphors set to migraine-inducing generic beats. It sounds like the worst porn soundtrack ever.

10. I Luv Dem Strippers - 2 Chainz and Nicki Minaj (Video)

The title says it all.

9. Naked - Dev feat. Enrique Iglesias (Video)

I dare you to talk me through the appeal of Dev with a straight. The woman literally has nothing going for her. She can't sing, has no charisma and looks like she was beaten with the ugly stick more severely than Ed Sheeran. Even the presence of Enrique can't save this mess.

8. Gogostar - Valerio Pino (Video)

Sucking Ricky Martin's cock does not entitle you to embark on a pop career.

7. Dancing With A Broken Heart - Delta Goodrem (Video)

Delta was let out of the stable long enough to record the worst Australian dance song of 2012. It was a good idea in theory - I like the Tommy Trash remix of "Believe Again" - but this is so self-conscious it hurts. Delta really thinks she's recording "Someone Like You" when she's really just picking up where Ricki-Lee left off.

6. Laserlight - Jessie J and David Guetta (Video)

Can this cunt just go away? Please?

5. Ice - Kelly Rowland and Lil Wayne (Video)

Nobody was here for Kelly's desperate "Motivation" sequel, which sounded like a Penthouse letter set to really, really bad music. The image of Kelly shoving ice cubes into her vagina has haunted my dreams ever since.

4. Scream & Shout - Britney and (Video)

This sums up everything that is wrong with music in 2012. An abomination.

3. Starships - Nicki Minaj (Video)

How does Nicki still have a career after this song? It's worse than Pitbull's last 37 collaborations put together. I can't even enjoy the inherent camp appeal because Nicki is such a egotistical bitch that she probably thinks this is the new gold standard for pop, dance and R&B. Unforgivable.

2. Birthday Cake - Rihanna and Chris Brown (Video)

Because everyone wanted to hear Rihanna and Breezy sing about how much they enjoy fucking each other. And then there's the sheer THIRST. Why bother with this when they're capable of singing something respectable like "Nobody's Business"? Attention is the only reason I can think of.

1. On Top - Johnny Ruffo (below)

I have a high tolerance for crap. I really do. But everything about Johnny's debut just makes me cringe. The lyrics, his voice, the video - all painfully embarrassing. His follow-up was a lot better but the sheer shittiness of this record torpedoed his career before it even began. Thank god he scored a role on Home & Away because the music thing really didn't work out.


Hasa said...

I didn't even know Ashanti released a single

Anonymous said...

ARE YOU KIDDING! Skylar Grey's song is within the top 5 best songs released this year!!!!

Anonymous said...

Including Starships is criminal! And you seem to have missed off a couple of pungent aural turds -
Under The Sun - ChavEDL KKKole
Something Poo - Hoez Afoul [this shitefest also breaches the trade descriptions act in every territory it was released in. All two of them.]
Everything by that RiRi wannabe Rita WHOREa and the minging muppets Ed Sheeran and Moron 5
Xtines irrelevant attampt at a comeback
Whatever crap was released as the winners song on X Factor.

Otherwise the worst of the worst have been named and shamed!

Safiya O said...

1) Wash out your mouth, Inna and the word "worst" do not belong in the same sentence ever.

2) ^ How could you miss out Rita Ora? As I type this, the UN are holding emergency meetings to have her tepid-arse squawking classified as a form of torture. Don't even start me on the fact she looks like Gwen Stefani drunkenly rolling round in Claire's Accessories.

Rihanna said...

I see you tried coming for me and my baby again...My last flop received more views than your flop blog will ever receive, so you can stop refreshing your Blogspot "pageviews" page.

Then again, your blog's name says a lot about you - a desparate and trashy queer who looks like the leftovers of a MAG.

Phuck yo opinion!

Anonymous said...

Mike`s opinion is phresher and better than anything RiRi has released since Umbrella.
Now waiting for the list of Best videos and singles with Xtina topping both of them (making dem haters go mad)

Danny said...

It's a crime to have Kylie on here with these other songs, Timebomb is actually a great song, the other songs are actually bad

Sotres said...

I'm surprised you didn't include the whole MDNA tracklist

Mike said...

I love being dragged by fake Rihanna!

And sorry but Timebomb is dreadful. It makes me sad.

Anonymous said...

Rita Ora is awesome.

Anonymous said...

good list, but i don't agree with the following:

25 - the song isn't a total sell-out. it's not autotuned skylar wailing over club beats. the lyrics are still clever so she gets a pass

24 - timebomb is amazing

23 - yeah leona duplicated emeli but she sounds damn good!

21 - your cold heart just can't handle the positivity.

18 - she wolf may sound like a poor man's version of titanium at first, but it's actually flawless.

12 - the music video saved this one, plus i just like benni benassi

11 - this is actually one of rih's finest moments.

7 - this one was actually impressive for dulta doing dance

5 - ice is flawless

4 - so is this one

that is all.

mickey nemesis said...

What,no Bieber?

Scott said...

Not gonna lie, I love Ice. Much better than Motivation. And I wouldn't change the channel if Starships came on.