Another night, another massive outpouring of shade. This time I'm revisiting the worst singles of 2012. And yes, it was difficult to narrow them down to just 25. In a year marked by generic production, pointless samples and terrible remixes - there really was a lot to choose from. Many of the usual suspects are present and accounted for but a couple of my faves dropped the ball as well. I tried to limit each artist to one appearance but a couple of them were repeat offenders and pop up multiple times. I'm looking forward to working on my 'best of' countdowns over the next few days. Reviewing all this bad music is starting to take a toll!
So here are the 25 worst singles of 2012:
25. C'mon Let Me Ride - Skylar Grey feat. Eminem (Video)
Poor Skylar. All that talent and her major label debut single is a humiliating song about riding Eminem's dick.
24. Timebomb - Kylie (Video)
I love Kylie but this is one of the worst singles of her glittering 25 year career. "Timebomb" is dated, boring and embarrassing. Let's just pretend it never happened.
23. Trouble - Leona Lewis (Video)
A shockingly obvious copy of Emeli Sandé's "Daddy" - only without the darkness, grit and catchy chorus.
22. Inndia - Inna (Video)
This dumb bitch must have been smoking the good stuff when she decided to release a song about how much her name sounds like India.
21. Wings - Little Mix (Video)
En Vogue called and want their act back.
20. Don't Stop The Party - Pitbull (Video)
You know, I can deal with Pitbull when he randomly shouts out a couple of city names and then says "dale!" on someone else's track but a whole song of his bullshit is harder to take than a 12" cock.
19. Give Me Your Luvin' - Madonna, Nicki Minaj and M.I.A (Video)
Did Madonna really think she'd get all the kids singing "L-U-V Madonna" just because she stuck a couple of desperate feature-creatures on her record? The level of delusion is truly galling.
18. She Wolf - David Guetta and Sia (Video)
Sia continues to sell her soul to satan with yet another low rent feature. As much as I hate David Guetta, "Titanium" was a triumph. This is just a fat South Australian wailing non-sensical gibberish about a she-wolf over tired beats that made me feel abused like a coffee machine in an office. Shakira fans will get that last reference!
17. That's What We Do - Ashanti (Video)
Why is this redundant bitch still trying?
16. 16 & Unstoppable - Christina Parie (Video)
I interviewed Christina and she was lovely. Which is why someone needs to tell her to enrol in TAFE next year and get a real job because the music thing ain't gonna happen.
15. Whistle - Flo Rida (Video)
Oral sex tips from the man who brought us "In The Ayer". Thanks.
14. You Won't Let Me - Karise Eden (Video)
That frumpy chick from The Voice desperately wants to be Adele. Shame then that she's another Casey Donovan.
13. Best Of You - Anastacia (Video)
A washed-up cunt singing bad karaoke.
12. Girl Gone Wild - Madonna (Video)
This is too easy. Madonna still remembers when dinosaurs walked the earth. In which alternate universe is she considered a girl? Let it go, bitch. Lady Gaga already stole your gays and nobody else gives a shit.
11. Cockiness (I Love It) - Rihanna (Video)
Think Katy Perry's "Peacock" without the tongue-in-cheek humour or thinly veiled penis metaphors set to migraine-inducing generic beats. It sounds like the worst porn soundtrack ever.
10. I Luv Dem Strippers - 2 Chainz and Nicki Minaj (Video)
The title says it all.
9. Naked - Dev feat. Enrique Iglesias (Video)
I dare you to talk me through the appeal of Dev with a straight. The woman literally has nothing going for her. She can't sing, has no charisma and looks like she was beaten with the ugly stick more severely than Ed Sheeran. Even the presence of Enrique can't save this mess.
8. Gogostar - Valerio Pino (Video)
Sucking Ricky Martin's cock does not entitle you to embark on a pop career.
7. Dancing With A Broken Heart - Delta Goodrem (Video)
Delta was let out of the stable long enough to record the worst Australian dance song of 2012. It was a good idea in theory - I like the Tommy Trash remix of "Believe Again" - but this is so self-conscious it hurts. Delta really thinks she's recording "Someone Like You" when she's really just picking up where Ricki-Lee left off.
6. Laserlight - Jessie J and David Guetta (Video)
Can this cunt just go away? Please?
5. Ice - Kelly Rowland and Lil Wayne (Video)
Nobody was here for Kelly's desperate "Motivation" sequel, which sounded like a Penthouse letter set to really, really bad music. The image of Kelly shoving ice cubes into her vagina has haunted my dreams ever since.
4. Scream & Shout - Britney and will.i.am (Video)
This sums up everything that is wrong with music in 2012. An abomination.
3. Starships - Nicki Minaj (Video)
How does Nicki still have a career after this song? It's worse than Pitbull's last 37 collaborations put together. I can't even enjoy the inherent camp appeal because Nicki is such a egotistical bitch that she probably thinks this is the new gold standard for pop, dance and R&B. Unforgivable.
2. Birthday Cake - Rihanna and Chris Brown (Video)
Because everyone wanted to hear Rihanna and Breezy sing about how much they enjoy fucking each other. And then there's the sheer THIRST. Why bother with this when they're capable of singing something respectable like "Nobody's Business"? Attention is the only reason I can think of.
1. On Top - Johnny Ruffo (below)
I have a high tolerance for crap. I really do. But everything about Johnny's debut just makes me cringe. The lyrics, his voice, the video - all painfully embarrassing. His follow-up was a lot better but the sheer shittiness of this record torpedoed his career before it even began. Thank god he scored a role on Home & Away because the music thing really didn't work out.