Rihanna's 'Diamonds' - Video Review

unfortunately she doesn't drown

Britney was terrifying during the Femme Fatale era. That vacant stare, those robotic interviews and her complete and utter lack of involvement made it uncomfortable to watch. However, Rihanna is turning manufactured pop-puppetry into artform with Unapolgetic. Did the poor man's Shontelle even know she had an album coming out until her label announced it on Twitter? It's not like the lazy bitch has a single songwriting credit or needed more than a couple of hours to add her bleating goat vocal to the nearly-finished demos. But whatever.

The Navy doesn't give a fuck about Rihanna's involvement (or lack thereof) in her own career. They probably think "Diamonds" is a high-brow musical triumph instead of a tacky Sia B-Side howled over a sample of Toto's "Africa". At least the big-budget Anthony Mandler-directed video showed promised. His recent work with Lana Del Rey has been breathtaking and he was responsible for some of Riri's best videos ("Te Amo" and "Man Down"). Unfortunately, history doesn't repeat. I'm sure this mess was supposed to shine like a diamond but it just ends up stinking like a turd.

For starters, the plot is more confusing than Inception. Can somebody please tell me what the fuck is going on? One minute the original Rita Ora is floating in water like a piece of badly-dressed driftwood, the next a couple of horses are breeding in the great outdoors. Sorry bitch but Mariah did horse porn first and better way back in 1997! She then wanders the streets - clearly still wearing her Cassie costume from Halloween - during a riot or revolution. Sure, why not. "Diamonds" is beautifully filmed and there are some impressively-staged set pieces but, like Rihanna herself, it has no substance.

The fact that Ke$ha unleashed her era-defining "Die Young" visual at the same time doesn't help Rihcycle's cause. Say what you want about the Jack-swilling pop icon but that clip embodies everything she stands for - sex, drugs, parties, free Nokia phones and glowing Illuminati triangles. Rihanna, on the other hand, looks like an extra that wandered onto the set and then hung around for free food. K$ wins the video battle hands down.

Rating: 1/10