Thursday, October 25, 2012

The Second Coming Of Samantha Jade

Samantha Jade is the only reason I watch X Factor. At first I was kind of depressed that the former next big thing had been reduced to appearing on a shitty TV show to kickstart her career but I guess that's just life for bitches on the grind circa 2012. If you can't beat them, join them. I'd be surprised if Sam wins - her stunning beauty and flawless vocals will no doubt alienate the frumpy girls who have nothing better to do than vote - but the Perth-born diva has already proved her point. She is still pop star material. In case you're unfamiliar with the 25-year-old's plethora of defining achievements, here is step-by-step guide to Samantha Jade.

1. Sammy moves to LA with her family in 2003. She's 16. The following year the teenager signs a record deal with Jive.

2. JoJo records a Samantha Jade original called "Secret Love" for the Shark Tale soundtrack.

3. The world is stunned and amazed by the teen diva's Wyclef Jean-produced 2006 debut single "Step Up" from the similarly-titled movie (above).

4. With a mountain of buzz building, the next big thing releases "Turn Around" (below) and snatches more wigs than she can carry. Unfortunately it does not chart.

5. Unperturbed, Sam begins recording her ominously-titled debut My Name Is Samantha Jade. Didn't Her Name Is Nicole teach pop divas anything about naming albums?

6. Sam works with industry heavyweights like Timbaland, Stargate, Darkchild and Max Martin on the never-to-be-released recording.

 7. In 2007 the frustrated songstress throws in the towel and records backing vocals on Ashley Tisdale's "Positivity".

8. Samantha leaves Jive and returns to Australia in 2009 to star in a flop movie. She records a new song called "Secret", which fails to chart but rocks the Pop Panel with its stunning gay-themed video (below).

9. With nothing better to do, the sexy brunette decides to conquer dance music in 2010 and somehow gets "I Need You Now" on David Guetta's One Love album.

10. Sam takes a job in her father's factory until X Factor comes along and gives her a second chance.

I know that at least one record company is in talks with the Jade clan to record a post-X Factor album. Is it too much to ask that we finally get the Max Martin and Stargate tracks she did in 2007 as a bonus disc? I don't give a shit if they're 5 years old. They have to be better than the trash they give Rihanna.


tommie said...

Love my own review of Secret - "cheap hooker singing a Womanizer rip-off".

Anonymous said...

Wow I had no idea that she's had this much experience. She doesn't deserve to be on X Factor....She's had her chance!!!!
I won't vote for her anymore

Anonymous said...

It's been set up from the start to be won by a boy band. As good as she is, no way she will win.

Anonymous said...

x factor can't be 'set up' ... winner is judged by votes from the public

Jeff said...

I loved step up!

Anonymous said...

"x factor can't be 'set up' ... winner is judged by votes from the public"
.... your naivety is beautiful.

Mike said...

LOL I don't think it's a set up at all. Sony are writing songs for all the finalists.

Anonymous said...

she's too good for flop factor!

Anonymous said...

she won't win

Anonymous said...

Shiane > Samantha