Tuesday, June 05, 2012

Kylie's Five Worst Singles

This is a hard post for me to write. Not only does it pain me to shade Queen Kylie but, for someone that has been in the game longer than most of us have been alive, she has rarely put a foot wrong. I worship the new and improved Dannii's SAW output, obsess over the Deconstruction era and love the vast majority of her Parlophone singles. However, the stinker that is "Timebomb" - sorry, I did try - has got me thinking about a couple of the diva's other, rare missteps. Most of these songs are still better than your fave's finest moment but here are Kylie's worst singles according to moi:  

5. Lhuna - Coldplay featuring Kylie (Audio)

Charity single 

Do you remember when Chris Martin said this meandering turd didn't make Viva La Vida because it was "too sexy"? That's obviously code for "fucking rubbish". Kylie basically mumbles her way through this five minute cure for insomnia sounding even more bored than the three people that bought it to raise money for AIDS awareness. I love the employed Minogue's collaborations but this belongs in the bin next to "Sometime Samurai".  

4. Timebomb (Video)

Promo single 

The idea was right - something current and commercial that dabbles in chart-friendly electro beats but the execution is abysmal. Horrible production, pointless lyrics and a non-existent chorus turned this into a chart bomb. Pun intended. Read my full review here.  

3. Kids - Robbie Williams and Kylie (Video)  

Light Years 

Yeah, I know it helped revive Kylie's career in a lot of countries and remains a radio staple to this very day but I hated this rank duet then and it still leaves me cold. Not that the dreary pop/rock ballad is entirely useless. I always take "Kids" as my cue to run to the toilet or bar during concerts and it did give Dannii an opportunity to perform in front of an audience larger than the 300 people that fronted up to her Hits & Beyond world tour at Sydney's Home nightclub.  

2. Better Than Today (Video)  


There really was no excuse for releasing this middle-of-the-road snooze as the third single from Aphrodite when there were genuinely great pop songs like "Cupid Boy" and "Closer" to choose from. The generic piece of filler killed the album and positioned the pop princess as an inane Mother's Day artist with no edge or personality. I have no idea what they were thinking. "Better Than Today" was the ultimate record label brain-fart. Talk about shooting yourself, and your artist, in the foot.

1. Giving You Up

Ultimate Kylie 

At the time everyone was so excited about Kylie working with Xenomania. The production house had previously worked magic for divas like Cher and Dannii, and they were (inexplicably) lauded for their (generic) work with (flop) girlband Girls Aloud. Xenomania were also responsible for some fantastic leaked demos. It all pointed to a match made in heaven but, unfortunately, our girl got their sloppy seconds. "Giving You Up" is one of the worst songs Kylie has ever recorded - let alone released as a single. Lazy lyrics, tinny production and a god awful video clip (below) makes this the low point of her entire career. Happily, Xenomania redeemed themselves with "Heartstrings". It's my favourite track on Aphrodite and one of the prettiest mid-tempo ballads in recent memory.


Tiffany Taeyeon said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The Prophet Blog said...

I LOVE all of these songs and rate them all very highly.

I think Better Than Today is one of her best singles in years, her fans just can't stand when she doesn't do total glitterball shit. I love how it's like folky country disco pop.

And Giving You Up is amazing and the video is so cute and funny. Kylie also looks stunning in it.

And Xenomania's work with Girls Aloud isn't generic at all, especially the Tangled Up album. Kylie and Dannii's recent music is a billion times more generic than anything Girls Aloud did pre-Out of Control.

Peibols said...

I totally agree with prophet! Better than today is a hit. Totally walkable, it makes me feel real good. And has amazing remixes! Giving you up it's great also. I think you listen to music with dildos in your ears, otherwise I don't get you don't like Aloud...

Almighty said...

The 5 worst singles is just the songs released from Impossible Princess and GBI. Giving You Up should NOT be on this list.

Anonymous said...

Mike, I usually totally agree with a lot of what you say but I think you're way off the mark here. Time Bomb is an incredible song and it's getting a rapturous response on youtube. The video has done especially well on itunes and I hope the song does well in the charts. Time Bomb is especially good incomparison with the shit (Girl gone wild) Madonna is churning out.

I think it's in slightly bad taste doing a gratuitously negative post at a time Kylie's enjoying something of a renaissance. Her Jubilee performance was great (she sung live flawlessly) I think it's catty to do a post like this now.


Vive Time Bomb!

Anonymous said...

also maybe you've been watching the australian version of time bomb - the views are much less than the international one which now has 5,132,320 views

Petra said...

I actually liked 'timebomb', and 'kids' is a fun song imo. It is difficult for me to find bad Kylie singles as well, but by a mile, 'chocolate' comes to mind. I never got that song, and the remixes made me hate the song even more, which is very unusual for any single.

argonaut said...

I completely agree with every track you've suggested except Better Than Today. I agree it's not in the vein of the other Aphrodite singles/album tracks, but I've always seen it as a killer Kylie track surpassing the quality of anything post Light Years. I'd probably switch it out of those 5 for something I think of as drivel: Love At First Sight, All The Lovers, If You Were With Me Now, Celebration, Breathe, Where The Wild Roses Grow or the stinker that was Wow.

Brian Ackley said...


Why you would write a negative post about Kylie is beyond me but in any case I have to disagree with your choices except Kids. Looking over Kylie's single history garbage singles like "celebration", "tears on my pillow" and the truly cringe worthy "loco-motion" are all contenders. Kylie covers kinda suck. "Giving you up" is actually a great track in my opinion- the video on the hand, the less said the better.

Daniel said...

Absolutely agree about "Giving You Up" - truly atrocious. And I begrudgingly give you "Better Than Today" - I love it, but it was a fucking terrible single choice. And "Lhuna" really is a cure for insomnia. But "Kids" and "Timebomb" over the lazy turd "Celebration" and the bland, meandering "In Your Eyes"? Really?

Anonymous said...

Love Kylie with all my heart but never,ever want to hear again Chocolate, Red Blooded Woman, Your Disco Needs You, All I See and Higher
Love Timebomb!

Mike said...

I'm glad at least one person agrees about Giving You Up. It's atrocious! The only thing that saved it was having the epic Made Of Glass as a B-side.

Also I'm sorry but "Better Than Today" is dreadful and torpedoed the entire Aphrodite era.

And enough with the "Celebration" shade. LOL! I love that trash. It's cute!

John said...

The only song I disagree with on the list is "Timebomb". "Giving You Up" is flat and I've never understood the rapture around "Better Than Today." And I laughed HARD when I read that Anonymous thought the post was catty. Keep reading, Anonymous...there's plenty more where that came from!

anniea said...

5. Lhuna - Coldplay featuring Kylie
At the time I was deeply in love with this song. It's my favourite band and my favourite female popstar! However, in hindsight, it needed to be worked on more- the chorus needed to be stronger. I think Coldplay fiddled around too much with it. It sounds like they wanted to make something as good as Where the Wild Roses Grow, but it doesn't quite hit the mark. Makes me sad because look at how well Princess of China turned out.

Timebomb- I like it, and it serves its purpose but I need something more grandiose from her.

Kids - Robbie Williams and Kylie MIKE THIS SONG DOESN'T BELONG HERE! I know some fans hate it, but I don't get why. To me, it's one of the best duets ever. Normally, male/female duets are so cheesy but this is just pure sex and sleeze. Love it.

Better Than Today- like it but it shouldn't have been a single

Totally agree on Giving You Up. Ugh.

Anonymous said...

Time Bomb is exquisite - you need your ears checked!

Unknown said...

I'm afraid I can only agree with the inclusion of Lhuna and Kids...everything else is flaw free!

Anonymous said...

And Time Bomb does have a chorus - it's infectious

David said...

Red Blooded Woman may or may not have sucked, but it sure was the wrong pick for a single. (Also I'm not keen on "2 Hearts")

Robpop said...

With the exception of Lhuna, I disagree with all these.

1) In Your Arms: boring

2) 2 Hearts: totally misrepresented
the album

3) All I See: dreadful.

4) Red Blooded Woman: so clunky when compared to Slow. Still Standing would've been far more appropriate.

Me said...

I don't agree with any of these tracks being here (well maybe Lhuna which is a pretentious snoozefest). Especially not the fabulous Better Than Today which is the only saving grace from the ABYSMAL shitefest that was the DIRE AphroSHITEe - which was dead in the water on release and further buried by FOTC...

My five would be:

#5 A Kylie Christmas - ie Let It Snow & a THIRD outing for the abysmal Santa Baby a pair of crappy, unoriginal festive covers, excreted to accompany the FLOP album DIRE AphroSHITEe.

#4 DIRE - showing how DESPERATE KylieInc were to salvage something from the DIRE AphroSHITEe by begging singles artiste Taio Cruz to allow her to become a duet partner on a track that was REJECTED for the album in the first place! Made even more cringe worthy by replacing Kylie for Chavvie McCoy for the US and most UK radio stations playing that version... WOT A DIS!

#3 The FLOP - nice enough album track but not single material, especially as it followed the uplifting Wow and the throwaway IMA. Made even worse by a generic Freemasons Remix. The fact that it was championed by illegal downloaders alKyleida (the same utter fuckwits that screamed for AIS to be the lead US single) should have warned KylieInc that this was not single material even before it killed the mood at the opening night of X2008 and emptied arenas when brought back to make the encore bigger.

#2 Put Your FLOPS Up (Cos This Is SHITE) - A career killer that should not have been recorded and managed to become an embarrassing FLOP

#1 FLOP Outta Tha Charts - which is exactly what it did. A piss poor attempt at redoing the fabulous What Kind Of Fool and well done to the writers who managed to flog it to gullible KylieInc by claiming there was a bidding war for it led by Britney... this shitefest killed Kylie as a credible artist, especially when its fetid corpse and retarded "mincers with chairs" routine was relentlessly flogged at every opportunity.

Mike said...

And you thought I was a pressed Kylie fan!

Scott said...

When I was at the Anti-Tour I realised one thing: I HATE Kylie fans. These comments have only further cemented my feelings. What a bunch of lame bitches.

Jamie said...

Giving You Up is terrible. But what about Chocolate? Truly the scrapings from the proverbial pot. Tears on My Pillow and Please Stay are quite dreadful too.

Christian said...

Timebomb is a hot dancepop-banger!!!

Anonymous said...

"4. Timebomb (Video)

Promo single
2012 "

Um... if a single gets a commercial release, even if it's a digital-only release, it's not a "promo single".


Anonymous said...

Kylie is shit full stop! A second rate Madonna in every sense! She has clung on to Madonna's coat tails since she decided she had a vagina and wanted to express it! She produces rubbish pop which is mostly watered down Madonna cast offs, most of which is usually produced by some ex Madonna collaborator (stuart price, stephen bray, bloodshy & avant) and is so souless and inoffensive that it borders on asleep! She is crap, she got lucky by following the game plan laid down for her by Madonna. She is pop lite rubbish!