Monday, May 21, 2012

Pop Panel 2012 - Volume 5

Another week, another outpouring of catty comments and general bitchiness. Yes, friends - it's time for another edition of Pop Panel! This time around I tried to feature a broader spectrum of pop. There's an Australian contingent, some Euro-pop, American superstars and more stunning K-pop divas. I'm pressed at the treatment some of my faves receive but I'm here for the winner, who attains the highest score thus far in Pop Panel 2012. It's not surprising because the song is flawless. Ok, let's get started. Tonight's Panel consists of the following acid-tongued hoes:

Bobby (UK) writer of Don't Stop The Pop
Jacques (Aus) writer of The Prophet
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog
Robbie (US) writer of Chart Rigger
Toya (UK) writer of Toya'z World

We are also joined by the following guest judge:

Adem Ali (Aus) writer of the amazing Adem With An E, diehard Madonna fan, Drag Race enthusiast and Geelong celebrity.

As usual the results are ranked from lowest to highest.

Trey Songz – Heart Attack (above)

R&B god calls on Kelly Rowland to star in his video. So you know it has to be good.

Adem: Not even the aid of Queen Kellendria Trene Rowland in the video clip can save this song and MV from sounding not only like everything else playlisted on radio, it also sounds about 18 months too late. 0/5
Bobby: Chris Brown comparisons aside, this is like watching paint dry. Incredibly shit. 0/5
Jacques: This is so fucking middle-of-the-road nothingness and seeing K-Row in the music video just made me wish she was singing on the track too. 2/5 
Mike: You just know a song is gonna be massive when Kelly takes time out of her hectic hitmaking schedule to appear in the video. Right...? I love Trey's voice and appreciate Rico Love's 2008-all-over-again production. There just needs to be a remix featuring Tenitra for this to get full marks. 4/5
Robbie: Imagine if either of these two flops were relevant? 0/5
Toya: It's just there isn't it? Not horrible. Not amazing. Just a typical R&B album filler that does not feature him singing from his penis. I hope his next single slays me because this really isn't IT. 2/5
Total = 8/30

Rita Ora – How We Do (Party) (Video)

Rita is blowing up the charts in Europe with "RIP" but this is her US/Australian debut.

Adem: Urgh, this bitch pretending to be K$. Not here for your skanky minge Rita, sorry love. 0/5
Bobby: A vast improvement from her last single but I get the feeling I've heard this all before. Still, isn't Rita from Maida Vale. Where the hell did she get an American accent? Did she steal Madonna's? 3/5
Jacques: I just cannot with this Rihanna knock-off singing this hip-hop version of a Katy Perry B-side. Gay-Z need to stop trying to create these boring-as-fuck artists like Rita and Alexis Jordan and focus his energy on writing shady cheques to Z100 and Hot 97 so they'll spin Beyawnce's shitty records. 0/5 
Mike: Now this is better. I liked "RIP" but it was as dead inside as Britney Spears. "How We Do" is a big dumb party anthem with an epic chorus and cool sample. It doesn't exactly reinvent the wheel but the queen of Albanian pop needs a hit on the board before getting too experimental and this should do nicely. 3.5/5
Robbie: I'm all for three-dollar prostitutes getting off the streets and having success in the mainstream, but, at best, this sounds like a Willa Ford B-side from 2001. Actually, that would imply some merit to the song. It sounds more like a Lolene B-side from 2010. 0/5
Toya: Fun, carefree party track with a catchy sing-a-long chorus and some fun chants. At first I thought it could easily have been sung by Katy fucking Perry but after a few listens, you don't hear anyone but Ora. A bit generic. 3/5 
Total = 9.5/30 

Eric Saade Ft. Dev – Hotter Than Fire (Video)

Swedish hunk has remixed his latest single for the UK.

Adem: “And Eric Sa-ah-dae!” The song may not be as good as Saade's monumental "Popular" from last year and it may also include the slightly horrifying Dev but "Hotter Than Fire" actually goes alright. But can anyone explain to me why Dev looks like a slightly-femme mash-up of Stockard Channing and Tracey Thorn? 3/5
Bobby: I hate it when "pop stars" wear sunglasses in videos indoors. 3/5
Jacques: "She's hotter than fire"? How original. And my God, how many songs does Dev fucking feature on? Every week there's something new. I could understand it if she was actually any good, but she's got a voice that makes La Toya Jackson look like Celine Dion by comparison. DEVoid must give a really good blow job. 0/5 
Mike: Seriously, I won't stand for La Toya shade! I'm deducting points from Jacques' K-Pop selection as revenge. But back to Eric. The song is actually better than I expected given that this Swedish douche is utter shit and Dev is the least convincing pop "star" of all time. The video is awful and the lyrics make me want to laugh but I've heard a lot worse. 2.5/5
Robbie: Instead of shooting a kid out of her taco box, Dev should have just shoved Eric Saade up it. 1/5
Toya: Prince charming has the suave moves to make even the most shiteous electro-pop song tolerable. 2/5
Total = 11.5/30

Spiritus – Lisa Mitchell (Video)

Kooky ex-Australian Idol contestant is about to go on a tour of churches to promote her new spiritual EP.

Adem: Remember when Mitchell released that "Coin Laundry" single and everybody was pelting her with silver coins at gigs? Sadly none of that happens in this video but the song itself is not all that offensive even if it sounds like it should come from one of the cheap Lion King sequels that get released straight to DVD. Perhaps I'm still bitter about the abortion she operated on Blondie's "Heart Of Glass" for Australian Idol all those years ago? Whatever the reason, I am really not here for this. 1/5
Bobby: I love this so much. Delicious vocals with a lovely melody. I cant wait for the album! 5/5
Jacques: Lisa Mitchell is just somebody I can't help but hate. Her music makes drives me crazy. Not that I think it's bad or there's anything wrong with her. It just annoys the shit outta me. And I can't believe she's from my hometown, Albury! 1/5 
Mike: Lovely. "Spiritus" took a few listens to click for me - I prefer her quirky pop moments like "Neopolitan Dreams" and "Coin Laundry" - but this wafts over you like a cool breeze on a sunny day. I just wish the video was better. It's an embarrassing concept done badly and the styling is horrendous. Lisa looks like she just escaped from a Big W catalogue. 4/5
Robbie: So a bunch of hippies go into a field and have an orgy in the video, and this broad wants to do a tour where she performs at churches? May she be condemned to having Our Dark Lord Satan gnaw on her wicked lady cake for a century. 2/5
Toya: Lisa's voice is really angelic. Heavenly, even. I like how it nicely flows over that summery, tropical-influenced drum production. 3/5
Total = 16/30 

Flight Facilities Ft Grosvenor – With You (above)

Sydney duo get animated for latest clip.

Adem: This cruisy mid-tempo EDM ballad from Sydney's Flight Facilities is one of the better local releases of the year. Borrowing elements from Daft Punk and Hercules & Love Affair, Flight Facilities are on point with this twister of a French-House jam. 4/5
Bobby: The video is brilliant. The song required a second day to sort out the production. In love with the sparse electro synth feel but the vocals sound a little dodgy and the lyrics are dreadful. Shame. Needed another creative week in the studio to perfect it. Want the album though. 4/5
Jacques: At first I that this was lame, but then I started stanning as it progressed. I'm deducting points though for the fact that Dev isn't featured. 2/5
Mike: Effortlessly cool synth-pop anthem that taps into French house without sounding contrived or desperate. I just have issues with vocal - courtesy of the lead singer from Hot Chip. His voice doesn't suit the genre and the chorus falls flatter than Rihanna's chest. Almost there. 3/5
Robbie: I'm used to people throwing themselves at me because they want in my pants, so I totally relate to this song. 4/5
Toya: I don't like the vocal but this lighthearted, pop electronic goodness would make a pretty awesome instrumental. Great bassline! 3/5
Total = 20/30  
Gangkiz – Honey Honey (Video)

Korea's trashiest girlband unleash 7 minute debut video. That noone can understand.

Adem: Korea's Gangkiz hang out in the diner from Spiceworld: The Movie in their seven minute video for "Honey Honey", a song that wouldn't sound too out of place on an album by In-Grid or Alexia. It's very euro, and I guess the clip is very euro too because I've watched it three times now and still don't understand what exactly happened. I'm fairly sure the girls bukkake the poor man at 5 minutes 12 seconds with water guns. Is that what they're doing? 4/5
Bobby: Points for originality and oddity. Sounds somewhat like an extended dub mix of a Betty Boo cut from her much adored 2nd studio album. Goes on a bit but that's the point. I hope. 4/5
Jacques: This is the biggest trash ever. A Euro-pop club anthem that knocks off T-ara and features a lesbian-themed video that makes no sense and runs way too long. Stunning! 5/5 
Mike: I'm with Toya as far as the song is concerned. It's not very good and makes me pine for edgy K-Pop girlbands like INY. However, I'm obsessed with the video. Think the worst Asian sex worker documentary ever to grace SBS and you'll know what to expect. Having said all that, they are better than T-ara and I like the fact that it's so Euro. 3/5
Robbie: This is amazing on 37 different levels — not the least of which is that I *still* can't figure out how these dudes tuck their cocks so well. 4/5
Toya: Horrible song. With a shit name like that, how can anyone take these K-pop tarts seriously? They deserve to be blacklisted. As far as I'm concerned,  if they can't be arsed to subtitle a boring 7-minute video, why should anyone give them the time of day? 1/5 
Total = 21/30 

Clark Owen Feat. Lena Katina – Melody (Video)

That Russian chick from t.A.T.u. is back to voice a generic club anthem.

Adem: Mindless vocal trance with Lena off-of the t.A.T.u. serves as the best track on Pop Panel this round. There's nothing incredibly groundbreaking about it, although when you're giving us Amyl-Nitrate-Realness who cares if it's groundbreaking. 5/5
Bobby: Although Tina Cousins will be pissed Lena has stolen her schtick, I can't help but love this. Lena, if you continue to release music like this you might become a star worth watching. I love how she sounds like Geri Halliwell on the verses. For this reason alone this gets full marks. 5/5
Jacques: This is such a cheap flop but I love it. Lena Katina is the new Kween of the Clubs and you haters will deal! 4/5 
Mike: Who knew that Yulia was the one with all the talent? Lena has the vocal prowess of Cheryl Cole and the sex appeal of Dev but I'd dance to this bogus trance anthem after a couple of drinks (laced with G). 3.5/5
Robbie: Only sexy people should be allowed near a flip cam or a recording studio. 2/5
Toya: Lena from Tatu? Wow. It's been a while. The track? A common electronic/dance song with repetitive sounds. Nothing new or noticeable. It would benefit slightly with a bigger, spunkier chorus. At best, it's a grower. 2/5 
Total = 21.5/30


Kate Miller-Heidke – I’ll Change Your Mind (below)

Australian indie-pop diva gets bloody in the video for her stalker anthem.

Adem: This flawless stalker-anthem now comes complete with a bonza-bonkers video clip and Miller-Heidke looking more like a pop star than she ever has. Great song, great video, excellent lady. 4/5
Bobby: Natalie Imbruglia wants her bonus Dutch track back. 4/5
Jacques: I can relate to this more than I'd like to... 3.5/5 
Mike: Kate Miller-Heidke did the double this week. She somehow succeeded in making QANDA watchable and called Anthony Callea a fuckwit on Twitter. For those stunning achievements I would have given her full marks regardless of the song but "I'll Change Your Mind" is her best single since "Last Day On Earth". The lyrics cut close to home and she looks absolutely gorgeous in the demented video. This is what Marina wanted Electra Heart to sound like but couldn't quite pull off. 5/5
Robbie: This song strangely doesn't suck as bad as every single other one on the Pop Panel this time around. I actually like this quirky ho and her creepy co-dependent jam. She looks like Madonna circa 1992, after getting dipped in a vat full of skank sauce (so basically, Madonna, period). When she stabs herself, it makes me think of pussy. 5/5
Toya: I like this stalker anthem and that video is morbidly interesting. I hope it doesn't give any mentally unstable chicks still pining over their exes any ideas. 3/5
Total = 24.5/30 


Me said...

Why does that rancid slattern Dev keep popping up on other people's tracks and ruin them? The blokish bint must be a biggest back door party hostess than DULLta, Ratshit and NaTRASHa combined!

@Flop_This_Way said...

LMAO! @ Lena Katina's stunning generic club song snatch so many wigs!

Can your faves?

The Prophet Blog said...

Lol I can't believe Gangkiz ranked so high with their Trot-flop anthem. They were robbed of first place though!

And Dev definitely deserved LAST place.

Btw, Mike selected Gangkiz, not me -- trust him to choose the trashiest group in Asia!

Dev said...

ive had a number one club hit. cud u?

Brett said...

Great winner! love that song!

@Flop_This_Way said...

You're not invited to this flop blog, you ugly tranny!

Anonymous said...

lol @ fake Dev commenting!

i really like the winning song and just downloaded it from itunes! thanks!

Mike said...

Adrian - I'm shocked Lena did so well. The power of tATu continues to dazzle pop fans all these years later!

And LOL @ Dev. I think I'm going to make a Dev-only week of Pop Panel with all of her stunning features and collaborations!

Me said...

If you do a Dev only week, I DEMAND to be on the panel!

Anonymous said...

do k-pop week!