Robbie (US) writer of Chart Rigger
Jacques (Aus) writer of The Prophet
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog
Stephen (US) writer of The Middle Eight
We are also joined by the following guest judge:
David Lim (Aus) writer of the amazing Feed Limmy, radio host and aspiring electro-pop diva!
As usual the results are ranked from lowest to highest.
Valerio Pino – GogoStar (Above)
This dude fucked Ricky Martin and hosts a modelling show in Spain.
David: "Welcome to my body, I'm a GogoStar!" Bitch, I was robbed. This should've been my single. Get me my pocketbook, I'm outta here. 1/5
Jacques: Finally, some class on the Pop Panel. This should be an easy 5/5, but the diamond underwear in the video didn't accentuate Valerio's pino enough. What's he trying to hide? Is he not livin' la vida loca downstairs where it counts? Poor Ricky Martin wouldn't have felt anything when that little Frankfurt entered his cavernous asshole. 4/5
Mike: Trash is my oxygen but this stinking piece of excrement is quite possibly the worst song of all time. 0/5
Robbie: Talent. 0/5
Stephen: I can't. Anything else I say will just get me drummed off the interwebs. 0/5
Willow Smith - Do It Like Me (Rockstar) (Video)
Pre-teen pop tart unveils the 17th single from her most likely never-to-be-released album.
David: You know this shit is old news when you're watching a Willow Smith video and thinking, God she was so young then! Why isn't there already a mixtape available with every Happy Meal purchase? Her team is taking this project way too seriously. Let's be real. This caca ain't 4. 2/5
Jacques: As if it isn't enough that the world is forced to sit through Will Smith's terrible movies, now we have to listen to his spoiled brat of a daughter trying to sing. I'd rather insert a placenta into my asshole than listen to another Willow Smith song again. Somebody needs to take Will, his kids, and his lesbonic beard of a wife, stick them in a plane, and then crash it into the World Trade Center. 0/5
Mike: This song would have been perfect for Talk That Talk - ie. instantly forgettable and utterly generic. I guess it's time for Willow to fuck off now. 2/5
Robbie: She hasn't retired yet? I would have assumed her massively successful but exhausting career would have taken its inevitable toll by now. This isn't awful. But it would probably get more attention, at least, if it was called "Do Me Like A (Rock Star)". Too edgy, perhaps? 2.5/5
Stephen: She did this on her spring break? Why is a ten year old imitating Nona Hendrix? (that dates me, I know). I wonder if lil Willow's next single will be the "Love Theme From Men In Black"? Her daddy should feel bad, making her the youngest one hit wonder ever. 0/5
Amel Bent – Délit (Video)
French R&B diva unveils latest single.
David: Fuck me with a warm baguette. I thought that was Mel B stepping out in the video! I really enjoy mama's raspy vocal tones but am not wet for the "Broken-Hearted Girl" slash "Yesterday" productions. It's a little two years too late. 2/5
Jacques: Somebody tried to get me to post this crackhead French flop on my blog a while back, and I was like HAIL NO. Songs like this prove why the only relevant French diva in the game right now is the iconic Ysa Ferrer! 1/5
Mike: Don't pay any attention to these bitchy bottoms. It's clear that their Amel hatred stems from the fact that they're all racist! As for "Délit", it's lovely. She has a great voice and I'm still a fan of the Rico Love circa 2008 R&B synth-ballad. Now, where is her sure-to-be-stunning album? 4/5
Robbie: I wanted to like this, but it's pretty much pussy. Maybe if she straddled one of the flaming piano legs it would resonate more with the masses? Fuck, I need a drink. 1/5
Stephen: I kept waiting for the bit where she gets smashed by the lighting rig. Alas she didn't and this was a waste of the precious Saturday night time I usually spend cutting my toenails. 0/5
Jay Brannan – Beautifully (Video)
Since his frequently nude appearance in Shortbus, Jay has been focusing on music.
David: Jay Brannan is probably the only gay musician I have "classy" and "romantic" sex dreams about. I don't even go there with Darren Hayes, y'all. Jay's proven himself to be a bankable, "intimate" acoustic performer over the years. All he needs now is a song placement on a TV show. 2/5
Jacques: Anybody who starred in that pretentious piece of shit Shortbus gets a zero from me. 0/5
Mike: I agree with Limmy. Jay is just a song on Grey's Anatomy away from a much-deserved commercial breakthrough. Despite the occasional dodgy lyric, "Beautifully" is very sweet in a Jason Mraz kind of way. Nice video too. 3.5/5
Robbie: Sorry, Valerio - this is how I like my gay singers: fragile and tortured. Fuck happy and sexy. 3.5/5
Stephen: He's grammatically challenged, but pretty. Still, who releases a single with the line, "Every time she comes she cries" and expects it to get any play? Actually, though, there is an instrumental part on this track (at 2:35) that's quite lovely. 3/5
Rihanna – Where Have You Been (Video)
Rih-cycle's latest flop.
David: The only Talk That Talk song I've kept on repeat since the beginning. The beats are slamming, so don't none of you power bottoms lie to me and say you haven't been strutting to this too. 4/5
Jacques: I like this song, but every time I hear it I just think of it as the less flawless "We Found Love". 3/5
Mike: I feel sorry for the Navy. I can't imagine stanning for someone as creatively (and morally) bankrupt as the Rihammerhead shark. Take this generic piece of shit. In two years it will be sound more dated than your average Captain & Tenille track. But that's what Riri's about - disposable music for the iTunes generation. Meanwhile Beyoncé is single-handedly revolutionising R&B with timeless classics. She wins. Bye! 0/5
Robbie: Other than "We Found Love", this is the best song on Talk That Talk. And that's not saying much. 2/5
Stephen: Mike Wass - this track is slaying all yer faves. Epic. And the video is just what we needed: a lot of dance sequences,outfits and wiggery, When Riri keeps it simple, it's a win. Bouncey is cryin' in the corner. 4/5
TaeTiSeo – Twinkle (Video)
Girl's Generation sub-unit unleashes first single.
David: I love the soulful and vampy swag in TTS' vocals here. The production on "Twinkle" is a proper event! I'm slapping this on a playlist right next to Wonder Girls' "Me, in". 5/5
Jacques: Not only is Girls' Generation the #1 girl group in the world, but even their sub-unit shits on your lousy, talentless faves. "Twinkle" is like all that retro shit that Christina Aguilera used to do, but filtered through Max Martin's Bubblegum machine. I love that some random Girls' Generation sub-unit still sells more records than Britain's biggest girl group, The SaTURDays. Who mad? 5/5
Mike: I'm not here for sloppy seconds from Girl's Generation and "Twinkle" is a total mess. Wonder Girls have already gone down the retro-pop/soul route with much better results. I suggest these flops jump on YouTube and watch 4Minute's infinitely superior "Volume Up" to see how real K-pop divas do it. Somewhere in Seoul Queen HyunA is pissing herself laughing at this crap right now. 1/5
Robbie: No. I'm tired of this shit. 0/5
Stephen: A bunch of tweens pretending to be Janet Jackson. The fluffy white dog is the best bit and I bet he's not on the MP3. 2/5
Little Boots – Every Night I Say A Prayer (Video)
British electro-flop tries her luck again
David: Victoria's vision of nostalgic dance/pop is something I'm keen to explore a bit further. "Say A Prayer" isn't what you'd expect for a 2012 single, what, with all that '90s house keyboard in your face. But that's probably why I enjoy it. Definite grower. 3/5
Jacques: I didn't give a flying fuck about Little Boots when she came out with her first album, but the songs she's released since then have all snatched my wig. 3.5/5
Mike: This video makes me cringe more than Valerio's visual abortion. Ms Boots is rougher than a laborer's hands and the "choreography" is clearly inspired by the time Jacques took too much G and did an interpretive dance outside Palms. I guess it's not all bad. I rather like the kooky production. Should we just wait for a dub? 2/5
Robbie: I kind of like the faux '90s house piano bit. But the song never really happens like it should, does it? And as for the ironic vogueing, someone needs to tell these dancers that Paris is burning just before throwing them into the flames. 3.5/5
Stephen: The track is a decent slow burn album cut, but the video is literally embarrassing. She has such an awkward presence (and doesn't seem to know that as she poses). And who is not distracted by that twinky blond queen vogueing his hole all over the screen? Bless. 2/5
Alexandra Burke – Let It Go (Video)
X Factor flop really wants to be a dance diva.
David: Can we give this a chance, y'guys? I was ready to hand Alexandra her coat and show her the door after "Elephant" but "Let It Go" actually changed my mind. I think if the category was "pedestrian dance/pop", she would get nines and tens across the floor for this. #Backhandedcompliment. 3/5
Jacques: Nobody finds Alex Burke a more useless waste of space than I do, and her music is almost as devoid of originality and creativity as that plastic whore Nicki Minaj, but God dammit, I really like this song! I know it's generic filth but it just makes me wanna WERQ 'N' TWERQ till the early hours. If only Dannii Minogue had recorded it instead... 3.5/5
Mike: Something about this bitch makes me vomit in my mouth. She has a great voice and the occasional good song but she's the musical equivalent of a Sao biscuit. Having got that off my chest, "Let It Go" is one of Alexandra's better tunes. Try the Bimbo Jones remix for the total trash experience. 2.5/5
Robbie: I almost like that this sounds like a coffee pot percolating up her vajazzle basket. But then I realize, oh, right — it's Alexandra Burke. 2.5/5
Stephen: The production is so dance track du jour that it's hard to write about. But I speak one truth: It's better than that new trash by The Tweedy. 3/5
Jeronimo – One Kiss (Video)
Dutch twink moves in on the One Direction market.
David: I love his whole "village twink" vibe with them tees he probably bought at a night market that time he sneaked out with his mama's purse. I'm fucking hooked on my first listen. This is a winner in my books. Jeronimo, boo - take the crown and run for the hills. 5/5
Jacques: Fuck my life this is atrocious. I thought that it couldn't get any worse than Melody Thornton, and it still can't, but this comes close. 0/5
Mike: Um, Jacques and Stephen are clearly pressed by this future legend's mind-boggling dance moves and spine-tingling vocal ability. How dare they take their insecurities out on the pride of Europe? "One Kiss" is what The Wanted would sound like if they developed some charisma and - erm - came from Holland.Yes, it's that amazing. And available on iTunes now. 5/5> Robbie: FINALLY, a soul singer to put Usher and all those other lame R&B flops on ice. Jeronimo's stunning dance moves are enough to make The Gloved Corpse rise from the grave, combust into a cloud of pink shimmer and die all over again. 5/5
Stephen: What is it with all the children today? No no no. 0/5
SINGLE OF THE WEEK
Foster The People – Houdini (below)
Latest singles from Foster The People's mega-successful Torches album.
David: I wasn't expecting to enjoy Foster The People as much as I have. "Houdini" was an instant fave from the album and I think it works as a sensible companion to "Warrior", that track Mark did with A-Trak and Kimbra. 3/5
Jacques: I was going to give this a nasty score because I had a computer malfunction that forced me to sit through TWO fucking Youtube ads, but "Houdini" is too funky and fun to shade. I'm dancing on my own to this, Robyn style. 3.5/5
Mike: Wonderfully catchy synth-rock jam from a brilliant album made even better by one of the year's best videos. Their beyond-the-grave dancing makes my life 4.5/5
Robbie: Great jam from one of my favorite albums of last year. I love this video, and I heard somewhere that it was actually shot early last year, before "Pumped Up Kicks" became a hit. I'd totally let Cubbie have some D'luvvin'. 5/5
Stephen: Hmmmm. I bet these boys get a lot of vajayjay. But we're talking about the song? It's an earworm and the video is sick fun. I watched the bit over and over where they get smashed by the lighting rig. I assume this is based on the true story of Britney Spears? 4/5