Robbie (US) writer of Chart Rigger
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog
Jacques (Aus) writer of The Prophet
We are also joined by the following judges:
Toya (UK) writer of Toya'z World
This blog icon needs no introduction. Toya's site is the place to visit for all the tea on your urban faves. Welcome!
Justina (US) - rising rap superstar and confectionery enthusiast
I'm excited to introduce Justina - our first celebrity judge of 2012. This New Jersey-born MC was recently signed to Universal and is gearing up to release her first mixtape Route 80. I fell in love with her super-catchy new single "Bubble Gum" (below) and think she brings something fresh and exciting to the game. Learn more about the hottest new rap chick on the block here.
The results are ranked from lowest to highest.
Dev (feat. Enrique Iglesias) – Naked (Video)
The basic bitch from "Like A G6" somehow hooks up with Enrique on her latest single.
Jacques: Dev 'sings' "You've got a girl that doesn't look a thing like me." Um duh, that's because you look like a damn tranny. Poor DEVoid looked cute in some of her other videos, but whoever styled her here deserves to be shot through the peehole. It also doesn't help that this flaccid pindick of a song is total shit. It's like an even crapper version of Enrique's lame collabo with Flopzinger "Heartbeat". Not even my Latin lover's good looks can save this monotonous mess. 0/5
Justina: I think this is a good song. Good production, writing etc. Enrique Iglesias is smokin' hot. Dev really lucked out with the people she linked up with. I think she is moderately talented and not at all cute. 4/5
Mike: How does this pointless piece of electro-pop roadkill even have a record deal - let alone work with producers like Timbaland and nab Enrique to appear on her latest flop? Something in the milk ain't clean! 1/5
Robbie: Sucks shit at epic proportions. 0/5
Toya: I was first introduced to Dev last year when she appeared on a JLS single, not even realising she was the vocal behind the smash hit "Like a G6". Call me sexist but I'll watch any video with Enrique Iglesias in it. So imagine my disappointment that there were no sex scene or making out activity going on. Isn't that a first for Enrique? Not to make out with his female co-star? It was needed to distract from the generic, Europop-inspired club beat. And bear in mind, the song is called "Naked" too. But yet, there is no shredding of clothes. The video was crispier and drier than a woman's vagina after its owner encountered a strip tease from Rick Ross. 2/5
Roxette – It's Possible (Video)
Swedish pop legends return - much to the delight of your parents!
Jacques: Dead @ Roxette making a comeback. Their music reminds me too much of the boring pub mother used to drag me to as a child while she drank, so I'm giving this a fail score for bad memories alone. 1/5
Justina: This was my favorite song of them all. Super funky. I was groovin' to this one heavy! 5/5
Mike: Damn. Per and Marie requisitioned the Vengabus and went for a joyride. Geddit? 3.5/5
Robbie: Out of the two albums Roxette have released in the past two years, this and "Speak To Me" are probably the best single to emerge. That said, something about Per's vocals are slightly grating here. 2.5/5
Toya: I'm not a fan of tour visuals (boring) and despite the obviously computer-generated backdrop, they delivered a fun and quirky visionary. These guys have been around since forever and by delivering their trademark pop-rock, laced with some punk and modernised rock 'n' roll, they're really sticking to what's true to them. 3/5
Bim – Scream (Video)
One of those acts you see on Pop Justice and other flop sites.
Jacques: Oh look, it's a less lame version of The Ting Tings. I bet that old queen that runs Popjustice and Keith Caulfield from Billboard are both fisting themselves to this song. With that said, I kinda like it too, and I'll give it an extra half a point for the band name rhyming with RIM. 3.5/5
Justina: The song was cool. Video was ok. My attention got lost by the bridge. 3/5
Mike: This hot bitch needs to ditch the dude and go solo! His contribution drags an otherwise lovely piece of English electro-pop down the dumper. 2.5/5
Robbie: Sounds like what happens when Ellie Goulding straddles a keyboard and rides it down the stairs. 4/5
Toya: Yawnfest. The video looks like a cheap experiment for a university media assignment. I'm shocked I've never heard of them as I'm well versed on the British chart scene (I'm f*cking British myself for crying out loud). Maybe I just didn't care enough to explore their brand of indie electropop. Next. 1/5
Timomatic – If Looks Could Kill (Video)
Currently Australia's hottest male pop star. This is the follow-up to the three-times platinum smash "Set It off".
Jacques: It's so embarrassign when irrelevant countries like Australia try to launch local versions of flops like Taio Cruz. Timomatic's two singles are better than most of Taio's recent output though, and the big black queen can dance, so that has to count for something. 3/5
Justina: This shit right hurr was HOT. He's like the Aussie Breezy! 5/5
Mike: A shining example of the urban-dance genre done right. The nuclear-powered chorus is perfection and DNA's slick production gives it international appeal. 5/5
Robbie: So Australia has its very own Taio Cruz drag queen? 0/5
Toya: This dude looks like he could very well be Australia's answer to a second rate Usher, at least Usher during his dancepop phase? Then I saw all the acrobatics and he reminded me of Chris Brown as well. I'd definitely say he's a nice balance between the two. There's a nice R&B tone to his voice but he's not doing anything that hasn't been done before elsewhere. I've seen better. 2.5/5
Soraya - I Believe (Video)
Spain's Queen of pop has a song on the Mirror Mirror soundtrack.
Jacques: Now I know why Mike stans for this trick! This is a stunning anthem. I can't believe that I had to re-rate this though after the flop panel judges from the last round all 'forgot' to rate it. I guess they knew that Soraya would snatch their fave's wig, so a few bad eggs got together and went on strike. #Shady 4/5
Justina: I'm lost. Was it a cover or her original? It seems some other people also sing it? 2/5
Mike: Soraya te amo! Tu musica es la mejor y tu bella cara me la pone dura. Vamos a casarnos y nos mudamos a Extremadura! Tambien va por tu novio tan sexy. 5/5
Robbie: I believe this song is probably 50 times better than the flop movie Mirror Mirror it's tied in with. 4/5
Toya: Spanglish pop doesn't do much for me at all as a genre of music but this one is insanely catchy. The video? Not much can be said. It's just clips from Julia Roberts 'Mirror Mirror' movie interspersed with that of music video footage made from cardboard backgrounds. A recession budget at its pure finest. 2/5
The Jezabels – Rosebud (Video)
Australian indie darlings are hoping to take the UK by storm with the latest single from Prisoner.
Jacques: I wanted to trash this because I know Mike loves The Jezabels and I felt like being pointlessly spiteful today, but I can't resist the 80s realness that this amazing song is giving me. Sadly, I need to deduct a few points because there's a VEVO ad promoting The Shaturdays latest stinker "30 Turds" directly below the "Rosebud" video. 2/5
Justina: This song was cool... very throwback-y and old school. I liked the song better than the video. The video got a little draggy for me. 3/5
Mike: Fuck you, Jacques! I'll get my revenge next week. You're clearly pressed that The Jezagods are global icons while ya faves are miming for small change in Korea! Shame about the ratchet video though. 4.5/5
Robbie: While normally I'd chuck a band going for an '80s/early '90s sound out the window, The Jezabels are fantastic, front diva Hayley Mary is a goddess and "Rosebud" is a fucking jam. 5/5
Toya: This video is not the most original one ever and it looks very dated and cheap but it does match the overall tone and nostalgic vibe of the song. I think the vintage feel was an intended concept. "Rosebud" isn't just your typical '80s sounding pop-rock track. It is one that exhibits an essence of intoxication. Solid. 3/5
Toni Braxton – I Heart You (Video)
'90s R&B icon goes dance on her first independent release.
Jacques: Who the fuck would have thought that Toni Braxton would release one of the best dance songs of the year? It's so dated, but in the absolute best way possible. This is the bomb.com! 5/5
Justina: I like Toni, but I didn't love this. The video looked like a soft porn at first... never really got into it. She looks much better with long hair and without the lamp shade on her head. "Unbreak My Heart" was the jam. 3/5
Mike: Tamar's slightly more successful sister is hoping to keep the creditors at bay by angling for the pink dollar with the year's most desperate and dated dance anthem. It goes without saying that I fucking love it. 4/5
Robbie: The only thing not retro about this desperate trash is Toni's new face. 2/5
Toya: I love Toni. When I heard this I was indifferent about the production but now I just love it. I wasn't totally thrilled at first because it seemed she was just doing what a lot of R&B acts are doing now - jumping on the ever popular dancepop bandwagon. But she's made the transition from R&B legend to classy dance diva very well. The video was absolute garbage, but at least the male lead was drool-worthy. I’m totally slayed by her vocals more than anything. Just listen to that flawless intro. I need that in my life in full ballad form. 4/5
SINGLE OF THE WEEKSHINee – Sherlock (below)
New stuff from one of Asia's biggest boybands.
Jacques: Fucking amazing. This is like The Jackson 5 through the eyes of Diplo. And Jonghyun and Key are so hot, I want an all-bottom threesome with them where we just eat each others asses for hours on end but nobody actually fucks each other. 5/5
Justina: I was confused by this song because I think they were singing the words "I'm so curious, yea" in the hook and then ad-libbing in English at the end... but the rest was in Chinese?! And the one dude was really pretty, he has the same exact haircut as me. I definitely thought he was a chick at first. But I digress... I see that the song definitely has huge pop potential and I could see teeny boppers who can understand what they're saying loving it... So I'll say. 4/5
Mike: I just can't with Taemin's hair. Ami Suzuki called and wants her look back! Apart from that glaring fashion faux-pas, SHINee's latest incarnation is pretty exciting. I love the sonic clash of Motown influences and ultra-modern electro-beats. It doesn't quite work but at least they're experimenting with new sounds unlike their flop English counterparts. 4/5
Robbie: My Korean friend (who, for the record, has a dog is named SHINee) clued me in to "Sherlock" recently. I've heard better from this pack of twinkletz, but I'm so curious, anyway. 4/5
Toya: The production and vocal arrangement is like a retro Michael Jackson circa 1990s. A very dated sound. And you can even say they were tributing him with that choreography as well. I laughed at some of their execution. They certainly get bonus points for entertainment value. I don't find them sexy at all and their overall style is the epitome of straight up corny. 2/5