Sunday, March 25, 2012

Pop Panel 2012 - Volume 1

Due to popular demand Pop Panel is back for another season of hot songs, future hits and bottom of the barrel trash! There will be some changes this time around - fortnightly or monthly updates instead of weekly editions and perhaps fewer judges - but I'm still working all that out. I just thought I'd jump in the deep end and see how it goes. Fingers crossed. This week's winner was a bit predictable but well-deserved. I'm pressed about some of the votes and comments but I'll get over it! Ok, let's get started. Tonight's Panel consists of the following regulars:

Robbie (US) writer of Chart Rigger
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog
Jacques (Aus) writer of The Prophet

We are also joined by the following judges:

Stephen (US) writer of The Middle Eight


Kennedy Carter (UK) full-time porn star and part-time pop blogger. The ginger Brit is not only adorable but also smart as a whip and completely addicted to pop. Some guys really are the complete package! Before getting down to business he kindly answered some music-related questions:

What kind of music are you into?
Lots of electronic stuff, lots of techno, and lots of pop.

How did you get into Scandipop?
I think on your recommendation!

Where do you find new tracks?
Pop Justice, Resident Advisor, Scandipop, Idolator, Soundcloud and Twitter.

Favourite song and album?
Right now my favorite song is "Radio" by Lana Del Rey, and my favorite album is Silver Moon by Donkeyboy.

What is the best soundtrack for shagging?
Depends on the type of shagging!

The results are ranked from lowest to highest.

Madonna - Girl Gone Wild (Video)

87-year-old pop icon joins forces with Ukrainian dance outfit Kazaky for the second video from her 103rd studio album MDNA.

Jacques: The music video for this song has had a very mixed reaction, with a lot of people criticizing Madge for copping out by writhing around with a bunch of beefy fags crawling all over her like she's done a million times before. Normally I'd agree, but I think this was a fabulous homage to her classics like "Erotica" and "Justify My Love", while also being a huge slap to GaGa for ripping off "Express Yourself". This would be the ultimate triumph if the song itself wasn't such pure shit. 2.5/5
Kennedy: I loathe this record. Just like with "4 Minutes", it feels like Madonna, instead of pioneering new sounds as she once did, is chasing a sound that has been the zeitgeist for a long time, that vacuous, Euro-influenced, autotuned dance pop that finds it impossible to produce lyrical content that relates to anything else than being in a club. Madonna has not showed much aptitude for a nuanced lyric in many years and this is no exception, and the sound is as generic as it gets, but the whole mess is saved by a glorious video that gleefully rehashes many of the imagery that made her such a controversial, exciting artist back in her heyday, reminding us that no matter how outré we find our current popstars, Madonna was there doing it all while they were still in diapers. 1/5
Mike: Why does this geriatric cunt even bother? 0/5
Robbie: I'm going to be tough on this broad for moment and say this would be a good song for anyone else. But it's Madonna. There is some pretty fucking amazing material on MDNA, but you'd never know it from the two lead singles. At any rate, yeah, it's still a good jam overall, and her tits look classy in the trashola video. 3.5/5
Stephen: Okay, the song is – join the chorus – reductive. But sorry, she is slaying all your faves in that video. She looks beyond amazing. Most divas can’t manage that at 25, much less 52. Song 2/5, video 5/5.
Total: 9/25

Gossling - Wild Love (Video)

Australian singer-songwriter currently has a top ten hit as the featured vocalist on 360's "Boys Like You". This is her grab for solo glory.

Jacques: Quirky folk-pop has to be my least favorite genre of music and should only be listened to by lame lesbians and trendy coffee shop owners, but I love the production here and the melody. The hook is also impossibly catchy. 3.5/5
Kennedy: One of the most lovely voices I have heard recently, a smoky mix of Duffy and Lykke Li but nicer than both. A perfect summer song for a sunny day. 3/5
Mike: Something about this moody little gem reminds me of Paula Cole's "Where Have All The Cowboys Gone". For that reason alone, it's easily the best song in this week's line-up.
Robbie: I was hoping this was Ryan Gosling's attempt at a music career. Nope, just another helium-voiced ho who needs kicked in the baby box. 0/5
Stephen: Gossling or gosling or geesling? She sounds like a singing duck! 0/5
Total: 11.5/25

Marina & The Diamonds - Primadonna (Video)

The latest taste from her soon-to-be-released sophomore album "Electra Heart".

Jacques: I'm a huge Marina fan and I like this song, but she's such a humorless cunt who needs to get her head out of her ass. Can you believe that she had the nerve to send me an abusive DM on Twitter just because I innocently stated that she'd suck Ron Fair off in the back of McDonalds just to get a hit? The nerve! Well Marina, you know what they say: Payback's a bitch, and so am I! Mwahahaha. 0/5
Kennedy: I love Marina. I love the wit in her lyrics, I love the stridency of her voice, and the way her British accent creeps into her vocals. I was obsessed with Radioactive and this follows a similar vibe, a rare example of the Euro-pop sound mentioned above that is done with intelligence, humor, and class. 5/5
Mike: DEAD at The Prophet's scandalous revelations! As for this song... well, it's nice. But like "Radioactive" and "Homewrecker", it's missing the raw emotional core that made songs like "I Am Not A Robot" and "Oh No!" modern pop classics. I really hope there's better stuff on the album or Marina will end up doing dinner theatre on the same bill as Lolene and Sky Ferreira. 3/5
Robbie: Dr. Luke barfs out another Katy Perry reject (see: Jessie J, "Domino") and passes it along to another eager starlet hoping to have a global hit. Like with Madonna, there are way better songs than this on Marina's upcoming album. "Primadonna" isn't awful. It's just throwaway. 2.5/5
Stephen: Why does this song bore me so much? Doe she really think this is her worldwide pop breakthrough? I wish Marina would embrace her sideways cool and stop trying to be Katy Perry. Wicked video though, I’ll give her that. 3/5
Total: 13.5/25

Kyary Pamyu Pamyu - Candy Candy (Video)

They do things differently in Japan.

Jacques: Fucking iconic. Yasutaka Nakata is one of the best producers in the world -- his stuff with Perfume and Capsule is nothing less than spectacular, and leaves the rest of the world's pop for dead. I love that he gets to channel a different side of himself through little Miss Harajuku-on-acid Kyary Pamyu Pamyu. With the rate Kyary's going in Japan and all the international coverage she's been getting, she's going to be a certified cult-pop icon in a few years time. Who the fuck needs RedOne and Lady GaGa when you've got Nakata and Caroline Charonplop Kyary Pamyu Pamyu? 5/5
Kennedy: I had to stop once the video got to the breakdancing anime-faced Real Doll during the second verse, and I haven't been able to sleep since. I think it's living under my bed. 0/5
Mike: While nothing will ever top "Ponponpon", the new Madonna slays all your faves with her pretty synths and iconic lyrics like "chewing chewing chewing chewing chewing". And then there's the epic clip. Imagine the director of The Ring filming a pop video after smoking peyote and you're almost there. 5/5
Robbie: I had this nightmare once before. It's pretty much what you hear/see in the background while you're getting ass-raped for all eternity by 80-year-old Marlon Brando's bloated corpse. 2/5
Stephen: The Japanese are so mental. At a certain point (like after 3 songs?) all their pop sounds the same. I have never seen Japanese porn – is it this whackadoodlepoodle? 2/5
Total: 14/25

Rebecca & Fiona - Dance (Video)

Sweden's gloomiest girlband is back with another dark dance anthem.

Jacques: Fuck off, Scandipop. K-Pop has replaced you. Bye. 1/5
Kennedy: Spooky, ethereal gloompop. Not in any way a flamboyant record, but it captures perfectly the fractured, echoey, forlorn sound that "iamamiwhoami" did so brilliantly. 3/5
Mike: I love these girls. They are a bit pretentious and need to be prescribed industrial strength anti-depressants but their music is pitch perfect. This is so beautifully morose yet still irritatingly catchy. 4.5/5
Robbie: Nothing but love for this song (and album). It's a pity they didn't have "Dance" out last year, because it would've made a great addition to the Drive soundtrack. 4/5
Stephen: So it’s a song called "Dance" that you can only shrug your shoulders to? Zero melody but decent electronics. 2/5
Total: 14.5/25


Lana Del Rey - Blue Jeans (Below)

The new queen of elegantly-depressed pop unleashes the third single from "Born To Die".

Jacques: I'm a total Lana Lover but I like her as a person more than I like her actual music. Some of her songs are brilliant, but her album as a whole is too poppy (and not in a good way) and vastly overrated in the blogosphere. Luckily, "Blue Jeans" is one of the album's standouts, and the video is all kinds of amazing. This is easily one of the best singles of 2012, but I'm not particularly looking forward to hearing her do it live. 5/5
Kennedy: The soundtrack to the seediest, saddest strip club at the end of the world, one lone dancer on a blue-lit stage, cigarette smoke in the air. One of the highlights from a great album, and the new video is like a Helmut Newton wet dream. 5/5
Mike: I stan hard for Lana and worship this tune but what's with the video edit? I vastly prefer the original mix, so this only gets 4/5 from me.
Robbie: Not one of Lana's best, though this video(/radio?) mix is interesting. Really, I'd have gone with "National Anthem" as the third single. That song makes me want to fuck on a bed of cash. 3/5
Stephen: Why oh why is this the new single? Just give us "Radio"! This is too close to "Video Games" in sound. At least we can squeal “oh baby oooh!” with her. 3/5
Total: 20/25


Hasa said...

I've never felt more out of touch with music then this. Only heard of one of these song lol

HyunA Knowles said...

I never read Pop Panel before, but after this, I'm craving for more! Gotta love The Prophet for calling out Marina as "humorless cunt" and "abusive DM sender". LMFAO!

John said...

Glad to see the Pop Panel back in action, but wasn't one of the panelists eternally banished? Did he offer you a blowjob to get back on the panel?

HyunA Knowles said...

I forgot to mention: Boo! @ Lana winning over Kween Kyary Pamyu Pamyu. Candy Candy >>>>>>>>>> Lana's existence in the world.

marinaluvr4lyf said...

The Prophet is a cunt i hope his house burns down

D'luv said...

What happened to the Soraya song that was on the list? I gave her the highest rating, I think?

Mike said...

A couple of people forgot to rate Soraya's masterpiece so it will have to wait until next time.

John - I don't remember banning anyone!!

I wonder if Marina left that comment herself...

Anonymous said...

Love pop panel but Lana is the most overrated woman in music. Welcome back tho!!!

Anonymous said...

"Sounds like a Dr Luke track"

Nice original opinion you got there Robbie

D'luv said...

I didn't write "Sounds like a Dr Luke track" anywhere. But thanks for trying.

Diamond_Boy said...

when u accuse someone of being a slut they gonna get mad! electra heart is pop justice most anticipated album! so much egg on ur faces!

Anonymous said...

OMG, This Kennidy dude can get it! He needs to sit on my lap...

Lucien said...

porn and pop. mike u rock my world!

tommie said...

Go Marina! Serve that true to the rancid cock slut the Prophet!

Justin said...

HOORAY FOR THE POP PANEL BEING BACK! I missed it so much. <3

Matt said...

welcome back!!!!

i like most of the songs this week but madonna was robbed!

Sotres said...

Yikes Madonna is #1 in Australia with MDNA! Now THAT's reductive!

Me said...

I can't believe that the most VILE surgically "enhanced" FAKE overhyped untalented trollop since beyawnsay won. Even the poopoo's latest excretion has more originality, is far more credible and a lot more palatable than that turdess...