As far as I'm concerned Eurovision 2012 is already a write-off. Soraya forgot to enter for Spain and more outrageously, what is clearly the winning song has been overlooked by Holland's flop judges/population and will now be missing from the line-up in Azerbaijan. This needs to be investigated by The Hague and corrected immediately! So what makes Raffaëla Paton's "Chocolatte" such a triumph? Well, it could be the 2006 Dutch Idol winner's bad Rihanna wig or perhaps it's her bargain-basement attempt at recreating Beyoncé's "Sweet Dreams" bodice outfit.
Then again it might just be the undeniable genius of her exquisite electro-pop anthem. This is all kinds of ridiculous from the dated production to the hard-hitting lyrics about... cock. At first, I thought "Chocolatte" was an ode to having a sweet tooth but on closer inspection I think Raffaëla is craving something else in her mouth. The stunning 28-year-old sings: "You won't get too far with any chocolate bar, the one thing that'll do is big & dark and comes with you." Hoe, please - you're so sprung! I know what you want and I'm not judging. Finally a song that explores a serious theme that we can all idenify with and it's rudely dismissed. It's a sad day for pop music. Watch the Eurovision winner that never was (below).