Wednesday, October 12, 2011

The 2011 Anti-ARIAs

Nominees for the 2011 ARIA Awards were announced today and the recipients leave a lot to be desired. All the usual suspects got nods - Kasey Chambers and John Farnham - as well as the current indie-darlings/flavours of the month like Kimbra and Boy & Bear. In a nutshell, it's same old, boring shit. The golden rule obviously still applies. If you're playlisted on JJJ and sell no records - you're in. If you had a hit and enjoy an international following then fuck off. While the prospect of watching personality free-zones like Gotye collect a bunch of awards is truly harrowing, I've decided to blunt the pain by pointing out where the committee went wrong. No doubt some of these choices will get love next year but in the meantime here are 2011 Anti-ARIA nominations:

Album of the Year
Boy & Bear - Moonfire
Cut Copy - Zonoscope
Eskimo Joe - Ghosts of the Past
Geoffrey Gurrumul Yunupingu - Rrakala
Grinderman - 2

This is a particularly dire category. Does the title of Grinderman's album stand for the number of copies sold? And Eskimo Joe. Really? Why not include Thirsty Merc for that added dose of credibility. While I can take or leave Boy & Bear, Cut Copy's album was worth a listen. To be honest, I haven't got around to hearing "Rrakala" but I like the singles - so I'll give it the benefit of the doubt. However, the following masterpieces really should have been amongst it:

Get 'Em Girls - Jessica Mauboy
J. Malley's edgy hip-hop opus was clearly better than your faves.

Gilgamesh - Gypsy & The Cat
Dreamy and beautiful electro-pop that didn't try too hard.

Zoë - Zoë Badwi
Australia's Queen of dance delivered the goods on her debut.

From Here To Anywhere - Sneaky Sound System
Another triumph from Miss Connie and that hanger-on.

Coast To Coast - Cody Simpson
While I'm still getting over the omission of "iYiYi", this is clearly the musical event of the year.

Single of the Year
Birds of Tokyo - Wild at Heart
Boy & Bear - Feeding Line
Drapht - Rapunzel
Gotye - Somebody That I Used to Know (feat. Kimbra)
Guy Sebastian - Who's That Girl (feat. Eve)
The Jezabels - Dark Storm

Yep, more boring shit in this category. While it would have been ridiculous to ignore Gotye and Guy's chart-topping quadruple platinum smashes, nobody gives a fuck about Drapht's hot mess or that cure for insomnia by Boy & Bear. I like The Jezabels but "Dark Storm" is just noise. The annoying thing is that there were so many gems to choose from including:

Freefallin' - Zoë Badwi
She even made dancing in a sewer with a bunch of battered gays look sexy in the video. Winning.

Rock It - Little Red
Soft, melodic and just generally good.

Titanium - David Guetta feat. Sia
Unavoidable and all-conquering.

Inescapable - Jessica Mauboy
After murdering our eardrums and burning our retinas with her "Get 'Em Girls" song and video, Jess came good on this Diane Warren-penned gem.

Big - Sneaky Sound System
Epic would have been a better title.

iYiYi - Cody Simpson
The highlight of Flo Rida's career.

Endless Summer - The Jezabels
This band is seriously awesome when they throw in a chorus.

Why'd You Have To Kiss Me So Hard - Laura Imbruglia
My girl crush continues to thrive in obscurity.

Something About You - Nick Jay Feat. Melissa Tkautz
It's been 20 years since E Street and Mel is still as relevant as the day she started in music.

Jona Vark - Gypsy & Cat
Killer track that is currently burning up the charts in Germany.

Play With Me - Chloe Lattanzi
Olivia must be so proud.

Even Though I'm A Woman - Lover Seeker Keeper
A Sarah Blasko song that doesn't suck. Rejoice!

Loud - Stan Walker
Taio Cruz could never.

Jungle - Emma Louise
Flawless electro-tinged indie-pop from Australia's next big thing.

Next 2 U - Gina G
A #197 smash on the iTunes (dance/electronic) chart proves that the 90s icon still has what it takes.

China - Sparkadia
Hauntingly beautiful.

Put Your Hands Up (If You Feel Love) - Kylie
The old girl still has it.

Settle Down - Kimbra
The closest thing to a good song on the overrated diva's debut.

Own This Club - Marvin Priest
Smart, commercial urban-pop that people actually downloaded and enjoyed.

Gathu Mawula - Gurrumul & Blue King Brown
This should be our new national anthem.

Best Male Artist
Drapht - The Life of Riley
Gareth Liddiard - Strange Tourist
Geoffrey Gurrumul Yunupingu - Rrakala
Gotye - Somebody That I Used to Know (feat. Kimbra)
Josh Pyke - No One Wants a Lover

What a pack of losers! I don't even know where to start with this collection of has-beens and never-weres. Gotye gets a pass and Gurrumul is actually talented but scrap the rest and choose from the following pop-pioneers:

Stan Walker
Anyone about to embark on a tour of RSL clubs with Jessica Mauboy deserves to be recognised in this category.

Guy Sebastian
"Who's That Girl" going four times platinum and getting US airplay should have been enough for a nod.

Cody Simpson
The omission of Australia's King of pop from this category is like overlooking Adele at next year's Grammy awards. Unforgivable!

Best Female Artist
Adalita - Adalita
Clare Bowditch - Are You Ready Yet?
Kasey Chambers - Little Bird
Kimbra - Cameo Lover
Washington - Holy Moses

What a bunch of tired, old bitches and over-hyped pretenders! They all belong on the scrap-heap. Try one of these luscious ladies instead:

Zoë Badwi
A living legend. Nuff said.

Vanessa Amorosi
While "Gossip" is possibly the worst song of 2011, bad music sometimes happens to good people. "Amazing" shows that Ness Ness is back on track and it goes without saying that she could outsing any of these tricks with a mouth of food and laryngitis.

Jessica Mauboy
Who else in this country consistently has top 10 hits?

Laura Imbruglia
My glorious lover is due for a win some time before 2025.

Chloe Lattanzi
The face. That voice. Those tits. One day this goddess will be rewarded with more ARIAs than she can carry.

Kylie Minogue
You know for her stunning top 60 smash hits "Better Than Today" and "Put Your Hands Up".

Best Group
Birds of Tokyo - Wild at Heart
Boy & Bear - Moonfire
Eskimo Joe - Ghosts of the Past
Grinderman - 2
The Living End - The Ending Is Just The Beginning Repeating

Just cut and paste what I wrote about the best album nominations. With one exception. I'm stoked that The Living End got a nod. I love them and hope they win. Which they won't but still. Here are five bands that were sorely overlooked. Without commentary because it's late and I can't be bothered.

Lover Seeker Keeper
Bang Raiders

Breakthrough Artist - Single
Boy & Bear - Feeding Line
Drapht - Rapunzel
Havana Brown - We Run The Night
The Jezabels - Dark Storm
Zoe Badwi - Freefallin'

This category is kind of fun. I applaud the voters for recognising the brilliance of Ms Badwi and for supporting an old tranny like Havana. Unfortunately, the rest of the entries are crap. Any of these breakthrough hits would have been preferable:

Elen Levon - Naughty
Australia's new teen queen is making serious waves with her awesome debut single.

Chloe Lattanzi - Play With Me
Did your fave snort cocaine and repeatedly kill herself in her critically acclaimed (by me) music video?

Prinnie - Lion
The best Beyoncé rip off of 2011.

Jenna Dwyer - Fight Like A Girl
A wrestler turned electro-pop diva mentored by Mandy Kane. Do I need to say more?

Kimbra - Settle Down
Well, this actually did lead to bigger and better things so she deserves it.

Most Popular International Artist
Chris Brown
Jennifer Lopez
Jessie J
Lady Gaga

These hacks were actually voted in by members of the Australian public. I'm flabbergasted and ashamed. With the exception of Ke$ha, this list sucks harder than Kim K in that Ray J video. These music legends were all robbed:

Oh Land
La Toya Jackson
Kelly Rowland
Justin Bieber
Soraya Arnelas
Selena Gomez
Victoria Justice
Kan Mi Youn
Nicole Scherzinger
Foster The People
Kate Ryan
Courtney Stodden
Lady Antebellum
Victoria S
Miley Cyrus

Watch in awe as the girl formerly known as Hannah Montana improves Poison's "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Are you embarrassed for not voting for her yet?


Scott said...

I can never tell if this blog is a clever parody or just completely deluded

Anonymous said...

parody did u see the best international acts? said...

I love me some Kimbra and I think she deserves all the success she can get. 'Settle Down' and 'Cameo Lover' are both great - and the album is a real trip.

The Best Male Artist snubs are just CRAY-CRAY. Seriously, the ARIA committee needs to cut this snobbery crap. Where are our pop acts? It's this kind of attitude and treatment of pop music as inferior to indulgent strummy la la stuff that really shits me.

ClosetCodyFan said...

I almost coughed up a lung laughing!

Brad said...

I think they got the international artist thing right! I don't get this blog's alternative sugguestion! Seriously, La Toya who? Soraya Arnelas? Has Shonetelle even had a hit in Australia? Miley Cyrus hasn't had any new music out for quite a while now, so she isn't relevant for 2011. Victoria Justice.. Seriously? She hasn't really made it here either. No one in the Australian public has heard of half the artists in that list on here.

noelster said...

courtney stodden is totally ready to fly down to australia and claim her anti-aria statue, please advise her where she can board the comp'd private jet filled with feathers, baby oil, a waterbed and tire swing.

Shaun said...

La Toya Jackson? Justin Bieber? Selena Gomez? Miley Cyrus?

Are you being ironic or moronic?