Tuesday, October 04, 2011

The 10 Worst Things About Natalie Bassingthwaighte's 'All We Have' Video

I can't believe this shameless cunt is back. Nobody wanted Natalie's abysmal solo material the first time around, so I don't like her chances now. The pioneer of mutton-dressed-as-lamb chic is clearly hoping X Factor will jumpstart what's left of her career but I think she'll be lucky to snag more than a one-off novelty hit. Particularly with music this bad. "All We Have" blatantly rips off J.Lo's "On The Floor" - from the lazy sample down to the cover art and video premise. Only there's no Pitbull to give it credibility, no RedOne to make it annoyingly catchy and no Jennifer for eye candy. What you're left with is the biggest turd of 2011. The song is dying on iTunes but I'm sure Sony will pull out all stops - like a big budget video from the always impressive Benn Jae. Unfortunately, even his talented team can't distract you from the aural trainwreck that is "All We Have".

To save your retinas and eardrums lasting damage, here is a summary of the 10 worst things about Horsey's latest film clip:

1. Natalie Bassingthwaigte is in it.

2. Someone forgot to airbrush her Sarah Jessica Parker hands.

3. These costumes were clearly intended for a woman under 45.

4. Kylie called and wants her "I Believe In You" birdcage back.

5. Just because Natalie is the same age as Tina Turner in Beyond Thunderdome doesn't make ripping off paying homage to "We Don't Need Another Hero" acceptable.

6. The appalling soundtrack. All is forgiven, Vanessa. "All We Have" makes
"Gossip" sound like "Rolling In The Deep".

7. Choreography of this quality shouldn't be wasted on someone with two left cankles.

8. The unbelievable premise. How many post-menopausal women are still hitting up the club? Well, apart from Madonna.

9. Stealing Fergie's inimitable Meth-head chic is just rude.

10. The fact that so much time, energy and money was wasted on someone this void of talent.

41 comments:

Anonymous said...

Miley called, she wants her back up dancers back. I want whichever record exec was responsible for ok-ing this train wreck of a song hung drawn and quartered. The video is so bad even Steps would turn it down.

noelster said...

brutal and scathing review, but unfortunately I can't view the video! i have to say, tho, that ur mastery of microsoft paint is sublime.

Mike said...

Paint is an extremely underrated program!

Tiffany Taeyeon said...

A hot mess. It doesn't just rip-off On the Floor; it's like four different songs stolen and mashed together. If I ever pulled a stunt like this for one of my singles, my record label would kill me!

Every time she went into the slow-motion "Baby..." part I couldn't stop laughing.

She looks like Ru Paul after he had his skin bleached.

That breakdown part where she's in the leather jacket and pony is a hot ass mess.

I'm a style icon, so she should've taken some tips from me.

http://twitpic.com/4b2j56

Then again, she wouldn't be able to pull off the kinds of edgy looks that I rock.

I like her first single though, the Alive song.

Brett said...

your best post in ages!

Anonymous said...

You really are a nasty hater of women. You're a cockhead, Mike.

Anonymous said...

This is why you're a nobody faggot and you say it's dying on itunes well it has jumped over 100 spots today and is almost in the top 10. you fail

Mike said...

Performing on the highest rating show in Australia will do that for you!

Chris MCB said...

OMG she has like mashed all of Hennifer Lopey's greatest hits into one abortion of a song.

Isn't J-Lo on Sony too? Maybe it's a form of cross promotion.

Kylie's cage from "I Believe In You" is insulted by the comparison.

I am so glad to come from Geelong and not "The 'Gong"...

Jon said...

Heartwarming (ahem) to see the adverse comments on this excellent review are from anonymous sources - one wonders what kind of person bothers to read someone else's blog then comment without actually having the guts to leave their name.

Anyhow, more power to your (bitchy) elbow!

Jx

Michael said...

I was ok with it until the chorus started, then I stopped the video.

The best part about this video was when the ad for anti-aging came up:

"53 y/old woman looks 35".

Jordan Hirst said...

Sneaky Sound System wants their "I Love It" coloured hallway back.

The one pro is that I'm such a huge fan of the Romanian saxophone sound. The fact that they're shamelessly aping it here means local talent might actually incorporate it into something better soon.

Anonymous said...

i admire a reviewer that speaks his mind!! luv it!!!
so true!!

Anonymous said...

@Jon
Maybe the Anonymous commenters don't want Haters like you stalking them on their own blogs. Do we really need more Haters in this world? Get a life!

Jon said...

Anonyomous tells me to "get a life". I tell him/her to a) get an ID; b) get some guts to enter an argument as a particiapant not a sniper; and c) get some musical taste. Jx

Adem said...

I hear this review was read by a hysterical Melanie B 763 times yesterday.

Anonymous said...

lmao! this mess is already falling down itunes!

Max said...

I think you are being really unfair. Nat Bass is an amazing talent, gorgeous, good voice, and absolutely the nicest girl on planet pop. I think u need to shut the fuck up and leave her alone. No one can argue she looks and sounds amazing. Obviously you are just completely jealous and it's pathetic really. The only reason I say that is that u rave on about nobody acts as if they are the next best thing, and then slag off the decent stuff.

Brad said...

It was co-produced by Cassie Davis. What else did you expect?

Anonymous said...

ha ha ha - got to love you kids. Natalie's 36. I guess that must be roughly the same age as your mum, so it means she's old! And J-lo at 42 must be ancient! :lol:

Katya webb

Anonymous said...

@Jon
You're too old be commenting on what is relevant in pop.

Jon said...

@Anonymous
You are too ignorant to be allowed the use of a computer without supervision.

Anonymous said...

The old bitches and fat bitches are jealous of Nat Bass.
#Kyle

Anonymous said...

@Jon
Meeeow!! I challenge you to a scrag fight, if you're not too old for it. :P

Bondi Boy said...

Such a Nat Bass H8R. How sad for you. Imagine what you could achieve if you used your power for good rather than evil.

Nick said...

I've been a big fan of your blog until now. The use of language and hate in this post is appalling.

J Bar said...

Totally agree, Nick. Disappointing.

Anonymous said...

i believe that Nat Bass is definitely over the hill - "no doubt" ...she has nothing to offer the pop world...Mike was a tad harsh...but i get his drift !! lol!!

Kudos for being honest!!

Tiffany Taeyeon said...

You guys need to leave Mike alone!

He has met Natalie and she was a total bitch. Other journalists said the same thing, and he witnessed her being nasty to her assistants.

Mike 2 said...

That explains everything. Mike has a chip on his shoulder. Enough said.

Trent Blue said...

A case of he said, she said. That certainly doesn't sound like he Nat B that I met recently. A lot of fans get disappointed when they meet their idols. Still not an excuse for such hatred and vitriol.

Clark said...

Do you know what "Libel" and "Slander" are?

Tsk Tsk said...

An original song by an original artist. Unlike some plagiarists.

http://www.nme.com/news/beyonce/59689

Thongy said...

The more you hate, the less capable you are of love. Fact.

Anonymous said...

@Mike: your whole bitchy, queen schtick was cute when you were a young twink...but you are now a grown-man pushing 40...so it is pretty rich of you to be Hating on Nat about her age...when you are no spring-chicken yourself!

Grow Up! Your beloved Kylie released "Slow" at the same age as Nat is now...and you gobbled that shit up...and your "ironic" fake-love of LaToya Jackson is very transparent considering she is ancient.

And you call yourself a Journalist? Good luck getting anymore celeb interviews once Agents see you rip an artist to shreds...

Anonymous said...

having met Natalie several times I find it very hard to believe she was nasty. maybe you just misunderstood her? she can be a little eccentric and maybe you just took a joke to heart?

either way, its clear now your hate is only because you have a chip on your shoulder

Mike said...

This is all I have left to say on the matter:

http://poptrashaddicts.blogspot.com/2011/10/natalie-bassingthwaighte-fails-to-chart.html

Jared said...

You sound like an old, bitchy queen who was ignored by a celebrity and can't get over it. Seriously, you need to get over it, mate.

Shaun said...

We know who the real cunt is. The writer of this blog.

Steven said...

You're tragic, mate.

Foxy said...

Reads like Alan Jones has a new blog