Sunday, September 25, 2011

Rihanna - Pop Music's Biggest Fraud

The lead single from Rihanna's sixth studio album since 2005 was released on Friday. If you had a big one last night and are still feeling a little fuzzy, let me do the math for you. That is 6 records in 7 years. If you include her two remix albums and multiple re-releases, the tally is closer to 10. And yet, Fenty Forehead gets no flack for flooding the market with her generic tunes. It wouldn't be so bad if she was growing and evolving as an artist but the ultimate label puppet just tries on a new look and pretends to be someone else for each era. The least credible woman in pop was dark and edgy for "Rated R" but - guess what? - when that flopped, she bounced back nine months later as the carefree and colourful "Loud" clown that has polluted the airwaves for most of 2011. You would think the success of that sell-out would have allowed her to rest on her laurels for five minutes but Rihanna is terrified of leaving the spotlight and, as a result, she lifted her leg and shat out "We Found Love". Joy.

This record has no redeeming feature. I like Calvin Harris and he definitely knows his way around a good pop song - see Kylie's "In My Arms" - but "We Found Love" sounds likes a reject from "Ready For The Weekend". The lyrics are empty and repetitive, placing additional emphasis on RiRi's drowning goat voice. Which is never a good thing. "We Found Love" wouldn't be such a bitter pill to swallow if it were an album track or some fluff she recorded for a soundtrack or compilation. But why exactly did this extremely generic and underwhelming floorfiller need to be rush-released as a single? And more to the point - why is everyone being so apologetic about its mediocrity? If this were anyone else it would be a blood bath. So I guess it's up to me to call this bitch out.

1. Take a fucking holiday!

Some deranged individuals have the nerve to criticise Beyoncé for over-working but the rules obviously don't apply to her competitors.

2. Leave the shitty collaborations alone!

Nicki Minaj is roasted for being the ultimate feature creature but Rihanna will jump on any old shit, at any old time. From Calvin to Coldplay, any excuse to be on the radio will do.

3. Stop rigging the charts!

Katy Perry has been maligned for manipulating her chart positions with so-called dirty tricks but she learned them from RiRi, who discounted "Only Girl (In The World)" to get a US #1 and dropped that hideous remix with Britney to repeat the feat with "S&M".

4. Find something you don't want to advertise!

From coconut water to Armani, the 23-year-old will pimp out anything if the price is right.

5. Wash those sticky fingers!

Lady Gaga is dragged across the web for lifting ideas from Madonna but Rihanna can steal an entire video from David LaChapelle and be praised for pushing boundaries. Speaking of thievery, her latest single cover was done by everyone from Yazz to Bros in the 1980s. Shady.


The Prophet said...

1. I didn't even criticize Bey lol. She can work through her pregnancy if she wants and then go straight back to work as soon as the baby is born like she's planning to do. She's a soulless career obsessed robot anyway, so I didn't expect her to take starting a family seriously, especially since she used her unborn baby as a publicity stunt at the VMAs.

2. All pop is manufactured lol. Britney doesn't sing, Beyonce fakes her writing credits and will jump on a remix with anybody (Shakira, Kanye, GaGa, etc) if it means getting a hit, Rihanna releases albums every day. It's pop lol. I don't know why you would expect Rihanna to be John Lennon II or something.

3. Rated R didn't flop. It had three top ten singles, including a #1 with "Rude Boy" which was one of the biggest hits of the year. I think the album did over 2.5 million which is probably more than Flop Fatale and 4lop have done.

4. You can hardly attack Rihanna for doing endorsements when Beyonce is the queen of endorsements and selling out for anything. She's plugged bottled water, credit cards, clothing stores in Brazil, you name it she's done it.

5. Same goes for Rihanna being a thief. Bey is the biggest thief in the industry, and when she;s not stealing she's just being plain unoriginal and lazy, like singing over Major Lazer's old song.

I think somebody's taking RiRi a tad too seriously :P I love how Beyonce stans all have this crazed fear over Rihanna because she has more hits than Beyonce, is younger, sexier, and is now selling shit loads of albums too and had a record breaking tour. They are so threatened. I don't know why you can't just like both artists. It's like crazy Britney stans who are terrified of GaGa coz they know she's bigger than Britney now. Where's the love?

The Prophet said...

Critically acclaimed <3

I can't believe he quoted me though. That wasn't my review! I just put the song up for listening before my real review, in which I gave it 4/5...


@Flop_This_Way said...

YASSSSS, Prophet! You better snatch this shiteous blog post's wig!!

Brett said...

truth!! i agree 100% mike!!

noelster said...

finally, a well-constructed bit of shade thrown at the most overrated slag in pop since fergie, since my only critique of rihanna begins and ends at 'she's the worst' which since its 3 words, could be the entire lyric to a new rihanna track.

Weave said...

I agree with @theprophet!!

RiRi is pop, RiRi is fun, RiRi is hot songs! I don't fucking care if she releases them every month or whatever!
She can get away with it cause shes so honest about her thing: she doesnt write , produce or whatsoever, so she doesnt need to fake some time in the studio doing those things (*side eye to bey*).
And LMFAO Beyonce is the biggest famewhore only Lady GaGa being more than her. I love how CONVENIENTLY u forget about all of Beyonce's annoying adds, magazines, dereon shitty clothes, dvds (EDITED BY HERSELF), intimate concerts, and not to mention all of her stunts/scandals and lies always brought to the media.
The stunt with her unborn child was the most UNCLASSY shit Ive ever seen. It was so tacky for someone who NEVER reveals her private life lmfaoooo

You're just pressed riri is releasing better songs than your fave bey like its hot, yet bey can try for a whole "year away" (AHAHAH) and come with "4". PUH-LEASE GURL. Take a sit and enjoy Ri-Devil in your dark closet full of bey weaves.


Anonymous said...

Everyone needs to calm their acidotic pussys the fuck down about Beyonce. There's a difference between being a fame whore I.e Riflop and being an entrepreneur. 6 albums and all those flop endorsement deals later bajan hooker struggles to land on the top 10 on Forbes? Ch.. Beyonce is building an empire Riflop is building relevance that's the difference, now all you haters better get your toothbrushes ready so you can gag when the Queen stars in ASIB, debuts her male singing group and opens up her own label. Bring on the hate bitches!

Matt said...


tommie said...

Poor old desperate pressed Mike. It can't be easy to see Rihanna riding effortlessly on the top of the charts, while Beyonce is floundering with her new album.

Anonymous said...

First of all...the queen of rigging the charts is Mariah Carey. She was fucking a record producer and has 18 number ones...HELLO!!! Mariah sold her singles for 10 cents back in the day JUST to have a number on hit! Mariah is the QUEEN of rigging the charts. So let's call out the originator first.

Few things about this... 1. "The least credible artist woman in pop music" hardly. I can think of about a dozen of female pop artists that have less credibility than RiRi (Katy Perry, Ke$ha, Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood, Mariah Carey, Kelly Clarkson, Kylie Minogue) 2. With all the work RiRi has cranked out in the past six years, I would hardly call anything a flop - she has 10 number one singles and 20 top 10 hits and she is only 23 years old.

She ain't going get used to it. You must be a die hard Lady Gaga fan and is PISSED that Born this Way CD is a flop. Or a fan of Beyonce..whose new album "4" is the biggest tank of the year.

Anonymous said...

lmao this post cracked me up!

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