The lead single from Rihanna's sixth studio album since 2005 was released on Friday. If you had a big one last night and are still feeling a little fuzzy, let me do the math for you. That is 6 records in 7 years. If you include her two remix albums and multiple re-releases, the tally is closer to 10. And yet, Fenty Forehead gets no flack for flooding the market with her generic tunes. It wouldn't be so bad if she was growing and evolving as an artist but the ultimate label puppet just tries on a new look and pretends to be someone else for each era. The least credible woman in pop was dark and edgy for "Rated R" but - guess what? - when that flopped, she bounced back nine months later as the carefree and colourful "Loud" clown that has polluted the airwaves for most of 2011. You would think the success of that sell-out would have allowed her to rest on her laurels for five minutes but Rihanna is terrified of leaving the spotlight and, as a result, she lifted her leg and shat out "We Found Love". Joy.
This record has no redeeming feature. I like Calvin Harris and he definitely knows his way around a good pop song - see Kylie's "In My Arms" - but "We Found Love" sounds likes a reject from "Ready For The Weekend". The lyrics are empty and repetitive, placing additional emphasis on RiRi's drowning goat voice. Which is never a good thing. "We Found Love" wouldn't be such a bitter pill to swallow if it were an album track or some fluff she recorded for a soundtrack or compilation. But why exactly did this extremely generic and underwhelming floorfiller need to be rush-released as a single? And more to the point - why is everyone being so apologetic about its mediocrity? If this were anyone else it would be a blood bath. So I guess it's up to me to call this bitch out.
1. Take a fucking holiday!
Some deranged individuals have the nerve to criticise Beyoncé for over-working but the rules obviously don't apply to her competitors.
2. Leave the shitty collaborations alone!
Nicki Minaj is roasted for being the ultimate feature creature but Rihanna will jump on any old shit, at any old time. From Calvin to Coldplay, any excuse to be on the radio will do.
3. Stop rigging the charts!
Katy Perry has been maligned for manipulating her chart positions with so-called dirty tricks but she learned them from RiRi, who discounted "Only Girl (In The World)" to get a US #1 and dropped that hideous remix with Britney to repeat the feat with "S&M".
4. Find something you don't want to advertise!
From coconut water to Armani, the 23-year-old will pimp out anything if the price is right.
5. Wash those sticky fingers!
Lady Gaga is dragged across the web for lifting ideas from Madonna but Rihanna can steal an entire video from David LaChapelle and be praised for pushing boundaries. Speaking of thievery, her latest single cover was done by everyone from Yazz to Bros in the 1980s. Shady.