Wednesday, September 14, 2011

How Do You Solve A Problem Like Jessie J?

I have a confession to make. After months of soul-searching and deep reflection, I think I'm ready to come out... as a Jessie J fan! Her album was a bit average but the woman can sing and sure knows how to pen a hit. I even like the fact that she looks like a East German Olympian circa 1983. So why I am so embarrassed? It could be her painful appearance at the VMAs, where she sat in a chair and destroyed other people's songs between ad breaks. Perhaps it has something to do with her increasingly desperate tweets begging fans to download "Who's Laughing Now" because she really wants another UK top 10. Or maybe it's just her status as pop music's least convincing bisexual. Whatever. If I knew I'd write Jessie's management a strongly worded letter because there would be no stopping her if she didn't come across as such a tit.

Fuck Pitchfork and their assessment of the 23-year-old Brit's debut album as the nadir of popular music. I agree that she needs to pull back on the vocal acrobatics and dislodge the chip from her shoulder but "Do It Like A Dude", "Price Tag" and "Nobody's Perfect" were all good singles. Then there's her latest Dr Luke-produced anthem "Domino" (AKA that song that sounds like it really should be on "Teenage Dream"). I don't care if it is a blatant Katy Perry knock-off. It's cute, catchy and has amazing, non-sensical lyrics like "dirty dancing in the moonlight, take me down like I'm a domino". Come again? Better yet is the recently leaked "Without You", which is the best ballad Jessie has ever over-sung, and her amazing David Guetta collaboration "Repeat". Dance music is the diva's future! I love this track and hope it's a single. Check out the second best song on "Nothing But The Beat" below.

8 comments:

Brett said...

jessie is great! i don't find her embarrassing at all! lol

Anonymous said...

jessie j is horrible. everything about her is contrived. her image, her music, her career.

jessie strikes again as she somehow manages to make a David Guetta dance song sound boring, but i still like it.

John said...

I'm with you. Even though I cringe when she's trying too hard to be "edgy," she is a great vocalist and more-than-adequate songwriter. Sadly, she sang a few songs on the MTV VMAs better than the original vocalists sitting in the audience ("Firework" anyone?)

Me said...

What a VILE pretentious creature she is! Trying to copy Rihanna, Katy Perry, Adele, Ke$ha and the Titless Blunder all at the same time!

I can't wait for this rancid troglodyte to FLOP hard on her skanky pancake arse like she deserves and gets back to scrubbing the toilets at McDonalds (which I think would be beyond her "talents")...

Anonymous said...

i luv her!

Anonymous said...

How do you solve a "problem" like Jessie J?

Well, get me a shotgun and I'll show you...

Tiffany Taeyeon said...

She's HORRENDOUS

jp.scheffer said...

Nice piece! There are the usual JJ haters here too, and, as usual, they're idiots. She's fabulous! She's amazing!