Wednesday, March 16, 2011

All Hail Rebecca Black

Rebecca Black is the biggest pop culture phenomenon since Justin Bieber. That, dear friends, is just a heart warming fact. Since the future Grammy award winner's debut appeared on Comedy Central's blog a couple of day ago - under the cruel title "Songwriting Isn't For Everyone" - almost five and a half million people have tuned in to watch it. Those numbers put the 13 year old diva up there with Rihanna and Gaga. An amazing feat, particularly when you consider "Friday" has been roundly declared the worst song ever recorded. By stone deaf haters. Seriously, are these sad fuckers listening to the same track? I hear the voice of an autotuned angel and some of the finest lyrics ever scrawled onto a beer stained napkin by a paraletic songwriter under the influence of a variety of hard drugs.

Let's get real for a second. As one of my friends Joe quipped, Rebecca makes Kim Kardashian sound like Celine Dion and lines like "gotta get down to the bus, gotta catch my bus" left some critics wondering if the song was a work of satire - it's not - but I genuinely adore this fabulous piece of trash and happily spent $1.69 to download it from iTunes. Why? Because it's as catchy as it is hilarious. Moreover, it's refreshingly unpretentious and ten times better than anything on "Femme Fatale" including the song that Ke$ha wrote. "Friday" rises above the fact that Rebecca sounds like a water damaged Espresso machine to be one of the best songs of 2011. Yes, I said it!

Interestingly, this masterpiece is the handiwork of Ark Factory (or the new Stock Aitken Waterman as I like to call them). They specialise in writing songs for undiscerning rich girls who want to be pop stars and their conveyor belt approach to production and stunning lack of attention to detail is breaktaking. If they are the new SAW then I guess that makes Rebecca the new Kylie. A blank canvas that gets through some of the most dubious lyrics ever written with an oblivious smile on her face and genuine enthusiasm. And as I wrote in my Sydney Star Observer review - what else was the poor bitch supposed to sing about? Gettin' crunk in tha club? She's 13 years old!

Here are ten reasons why you should embrace Rebecca Black as the new Queen of pop and acknowledge "Friday" as a piece of modern poetry:

1. The clip's amazingly tacky animated intro
2. "Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal"
3. Rebecca's front seat vs back seat dilemma - talk about Sophie's Choice!
4. It has a chorus for the ages ("Friiiday, Friiiiday, gettin' down on Friiiday")
5. The bored/humiliated look on her friends' faces
6. Does she really say "we're gettin' German on the highway"?
7. The scene stealing cameo from the incredibly uncoordinated girl in the pink dress
8. Bec is totally hood for a 13 year old, rocking that party!
9. It's educational - "Yesterday was Thursday, Today is Friday... Tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterward"
10. The best rent-a-rapper since Jazzi P

Watch in awe.



tommie said...


I downloaded it. Worldwide smash!

Anonymous said...

Oh Mike, your humourously catty ramblings keep me checking this blog every few days but you really do subject me to some awful trash!

Jump! said...

I couldn't have said it better! AMAZING!

Matt said...

im obsessed.. its either the best or worst song of all time but i cant stop lookin!!

Mike said...

I can't believe it's not #1 on iTunes!

Friiiday, Friiiday, gettin' down on Friiiday!

Anonymous said...

I retract my statement at #2. I still think this is insane garbage but RBD2's flu striken retarded robot voice has infiltrated my brain and won't leave.

Insanely addictive. It's crack! I wanna see this hit the mainstream.

Heidi Montag said...


Mike said...

Rolling Stone have Bec's back!

I seriously can't image a world without this stunning anthem!

Seth said...

Beyond fabulous, Legendecca Black has came to slay HARD and snatch all your faves wigs. She is currently sitting at #100 on US itunes, and rising... And no bitter hoes are gonna stop her baby! she will hit top 10 by this very FRIDAY!.

You should also check the video for Jenna Rose: My Jeans, which is also another mindblowing anthem, not to the levels of Rebecca Black of course, but it will send you straight to heaven.

Just BOW to this legend hoes, just BOW.

Anonymous said...

I am starting the campaign now

Forget Rnianna

Rebecca to headline Mardis Gras Party 2012

tommie said...

She's at #14 in New Zealand!

Such excellent taste there.

Rob Bruin said...

I'm worried about one thing, and one thing only. Rebecca, dear: forget about people saying that you're too young to wear make-up, because you aren't (if babies can enter a beauty pageant with more make-up on their faces than a clown, then you are certainly not too young to wear it also). But girl, NEVER sleep with your make-up on (as I saw you doing just that in the first 20 seconds of your vid). Live and learn baby, live and learn.

oofh said...

"German on the Highway" probably is her way of bragging about having a Benz or BMW (German cars)