Friday, February 18, 2011

I Will Hold This Against Britney

It's no secret that Britney makes me gag but I still give credit where credit's due. I can listen to two songs on "Circus" - "Unusual You" and "Kill The Lights" - without wanting to stab myself in the ear and I can even admit that she usually gives good video. From "Toxic" to "Womanizer", the person who makes Britney's decisions for her has done a great job of picking clever concepts and good directors. Unfortunately, they must have had the day off when Jonas Åkerlund pitched this. It was always going to be hard to come up with an interesting treatment for something as bland and generic as "Hold It Against Me" but surely there were better options. The extent of the clip's pointlessness becomes blindingly clear when you compare it to videos for other recent lead singles. Lady Gaga went down the dark and menacing route for "Bad Romance". Beyoncé kept it clean and simple on "Single Ladies". "All The Lovers" indulged Kylie's whimsical side and balloon fetish. Rihanna sat in a field and did her best to look feminine in "Only Girl (In The World)". All took a different approach but what they have in common is brilliant execution and a dollop of originality. Meanwhile Britney recycles Christina's "Fighter" video, while looking like Loretta Lynn trapped inside the first edition of Mortal Kombat. What the fuck?

I don't even know where to start with this trainwreck. You have a song Max Martin found at the bottom of his reject drawer after inadvertently giving all the good stuff to P!nk and Katy Perry. It's not great but it tackles a universal theme we can all identify with - wanting someone to rub their cock against you on the dancefloor. I'm not judging. We've all been there! So why not put Britney in a sexy dress, throw in some choreography that she can actually do and keep all the bells and whistles for her second single? Instead the clip begins with a meteor racing towards earth. Sure, whatever. Then Britney stands around looking like trash in unflattering cut off jeans, while her male dancers get dressed. Uh huh. But things spiral out of control the moment the former superstar starts spraying herself with Radiance. I'm all for product placement but that is beyond tacky. And unfortunately, it's all downhill from there.

We're treated to the diva ripping off Kylie's giant dress routine from the Fever tour - only instead of making her look pretty, the result is Loretta Lynn meets Madonna circa "Like A Virgin" on acid. And what's with that stupid tower of video screens? It looks cheap and whatever comment they were hoping to make about Britney's legacy completely passed me by. She then logs onto the "Plenty Of Fish" website. Which sounds familiar, probably because Jonas already used that idea in "Telephone". Whoops. At least he's only ripping off himself - unlike Melina. At approximately 1:40 the dancing begins. I've been looking forward to the choreography ever since Brian Friedman started blabbing about taking things to the next level. The end product, however, is more than a little embarrassing. All the difficult moves are done in long shot - quite obviously by Brit's dance double - and the close ups are not pretty. Have I missed something? Is she unwell again? I can't even be bothered writing about the rest of this shambolic mess. In a nutshell, Britney starts spraying paint like a sprinkler and fights herself using some of the most pitiful special effects ever captured on film. It doesn't help that one of her body doubles is clearly a man.

In conclusion, "Hold It Against Me" belongs in the worst video hall of shame next to "Get 'Em Girls" and "Feedback".

1/10

14 comments:

Seth said...

H8Tah!! >:( you are just MAD cuz Britney slayed all your faves. UR FAVS CUD NEVA!!! so you know what? STAY MAD.

To be honest i really like the video,even the fact that they used a man as a body double, Britney is just too much of a diamond to bother with getting covered in paint, leave that to flop people like Lady Gaga, whom i am convinced was hired as the double.

I wonder if Jonas Akerlund was a deal with plenty of fish or what?

Diva Incarnate said...

It's a good video, but why can't she move her legs - are those heroine rumours really true?

Her best video in years, even if I was just about the only one to actually like Gimme More's/

tommie said...

Yawn. Predictable.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Bruce said...

I was a bit underwhelmed as well, until the remix kicks and and the fight breaks out! Love the battle between Good Britney VS Bad Britney! Okay, we've seen it before, but I love it nonetheless. Now I want Good and Bad Britney to take on a tag-team match against Good Mariah and Bad Mariah from the Heartbreaker video!

Bruce said...

Oh and good and bad Kelly Rowland from Commander can join in for a cage match!

Diva Incarnate said...

Bianca's too busy snorting coke in the toilet to come out her cubicle for this nonesense.

Matt said...

lmfao!

Martin said...

I was totally underwhelmed by this video at first but then the whole "concept conspiracy" started and it kind of made sense.

The fake smile, the blind dancers, the destroying her legacy, the battling inner demons, the rise and the fall etc. I know it's still a bunch of quick edits to detract from her lack of talent but if you think about it in terms of symbolism it's not *as* bad....

Anonymous said...

There are 3 negative things I'd like to point out concerning the video.
1)Product Placement (esp. the Plenty Of Fish one), although that exists only in the VEVO version
2)Too many cuts
3)The dancing was not what everyone (appart from B herself) was making out to be. I blame point #2 for not getting to see it


But 1/10? Seriously?

Anonymous said...

yeah, its shit

Me said...

Its an improvement on the disaster that was Piece Of Pee...

Calen said...

I loved the Gimme More video, and it's an award winner compared to this garbage.

Did anyone notice how bad her makeup looked in the clips with the white dress/paint hands. I can't get over how old is makes her look.

Bruce said...

As far as the product placement goes... I noticed there are two edits of the video. When I watched the premiere on MTV (yes on the television!) it didn't have any products in it! So I didn't know what all this plentyoffish nonsense was all about. I don't know if that version is online but check it out. It's a little less shameless, and it makes a difference I think!

Anonymous said...

You just didn't get it.
Watch Kingsley's video and it'll make sense.