There really was no shortage of shit to choose from when it came to selecting 2010's worst albums. Kings Of Leon's "Come Around Sundown", MGMT's "Congratulations" and all 147 of Tea Tea's mixtapes deserve recognition for lowering the standard of modern music but I decided to stick with mainstream pop acts for this countdown. It's a bit of an odd bunch - bad albums from acts I usually love, crap albums from crap artists and just about everything in between. I know some of these disasterpieces have been massive sellers and spawned numerous hit singles but that doesn't make them good. It just makes us gullible and record companies even more sinister than we give them credit for. As for the year's worst album - I'm sure we can all agree that pop music has finally scraped the bottom of the barrel. So what other stinkers are missing from the list? Who have I unfairly written off as gutter trash? Let me know what you think!
10. Speak Now - Taylor Swift
I really don't care if 3 million devout teenage Christians hocked their commitment rings to buy "Speak Now" for Christmas. It's a breathtakingly self-indulgent, monotonous vanity project plagued by trite Hallmark card lyrics and the inescapable fact that Taylor can't really sing. The admittedly cute and surprisingly catchy "Mine" is the standout track but it's hard to pick a 'lowlight' because all the songs sound the same to me. If pressed, I'd have to go with "Innocent" - her delusional response to Kanye. Bitch, please. The man stole your fucking microphone at a pointless awards ceremony. He didn't run over your dog or break up with you via Facebook. Get a fucking grip and move on!
9. Body Talk Parts 1 & 2 - Robyn
Robyn is so frustrating. When the Swedish eyesore gets it right, she lifts pop music to previously unimagined heights. The rest of the time I just want to slap her and ask for a refund. Her 2005 masterpiece was always going to be a hard act to follow but lowering expectations by releasing a trilogy of dodgy EPs wasn't exactly a masterstroke. "Body Talk Part 1", in particular, is a hot mess. How can you go from the sublime "Dancing On My Own" and beautiful "Cry When You Get Older" to try hard electro rubbish like "Fembot" and "Don't Fucking Tell Me What To Do"? I hoped the sequel would be an improvement but it turned out to the musical equivalent of "Sex & The City 2". Sure there are some good moments ("Love Kills" and "Hang With Me") but it's mostly just embarrassing shit tailor made for non-discerning gays. The "Body Talk" era ended on a high with the fabulous third instalment but why didn't she just spend a year getting the album ready instead of tarnishing her legacy with these glorified demos?
8. The Beginning - Black Eyed Peas
I love the Black Eyed Peas and worship at the Fergalicious alter of Stacy Ferguson but even I have to draw the line at "The Beginning". This shit sounds like it was thrown together in 2 days on Skype. The band has a knack for clever hooks and catchy samples but the laziness on display here is mind-boggling. "The Time (Dirty Bit)", for example, is shameful on so many levels but mostly for the fact that it could have been brilliant if they had treated the original with a bit more respect. And then there's my other major gripe - Fergie's suspiciously minor contribution to proceedings. Is will.i.am pressed that The Dutchess is an global phenomenon while he's been reducing to working with Cheryl Cole? Or did they just jazz up his shelved solo album to save time? Whatever. I'm unimpressed and want my money back.
7. Can't Be Tamed - Miley Cyrus
This sad flop needs to pull the plug on her pop career. Miley's attempt at reinventing herself as a dance diva was an epic fail on every level. Her voice and autotune do not mix and she lacks the attitude and sex appeal to sell the songs, which, admittedly, were pretty shit to begin with. Seriously, Lisa Scott-Lee called (reverse charges) and wants her B-sides back! I don't get it. Her Hannah Montana sidekick Emily Osment pulled together a fun pop album on the fumes of an oily rag. Yet Miley has more money than anyone and still can't buy herself a hit. Time for an album of duets with daddy, I think.
6. Sweet 7 - Sugababes
I'll let Mutya take this one:
5. Tapestry - Marcia Hines
I LOVE Marcia Hines and pretty much stan for everything she has ever released including her hysterical album/self-help book of inspirational ballads "Life" but this shit is on the nose. There's nothing wrong with the individual songs. Marcia sounds amazing as always and has been covering some of the tracks at gigs for years but the sheer audacity required to re-record one of the greatest albums of all time is staggering. Seriously, who listens to "Tapestry" and thinks Hmmm, nice but I could do it so much better!
4. The Power Of Madonna - Glee
Urgh. Madonna's music is painful enough without those sad cunts from Glee rubbing their dirty spirit fingers all over it. Kudos though to Kurt and Mercedes for making "4 Minutes" an even more hellish experience than it was to begin with. Seriously, this shit is evil.
3. Loud - Rihanna
Oh look. There's Rihanna with her stupid fucking red wig and crap songs about oral sex and bondage. Isn't she just the hippest ho in the game right now? But wait. Isn't this the same pretender, who tried to reinvent herself as a dark and edgy anti-popstar on her last album - only to pull the plug when no one bought it? Yes, Riri is a big, fat fake. There's nothing wrong with being a product but it irks me that people buy into this shit when the poor man's Shontelle is actually the biggest puppet in pop. To be fair, she is a one woman hit machine. Her label has a knack for buying her hits from the hottest producers but they should ask for a refund this time around. Apart from "Only Girl" and the Eminem-lite version of "Love The Way You Lie", this is a stinking mess. I don't care what her name is or if she's a firecracker in the bedroom. Her voice is grating and she has less charisma than a roll of toilet paper. Rihanna is, without a doubt, the most overrated pop star on the planet.
2. Wall Of Soundz - Brian McFadden
This foul expulsion of noise should come with a warning sticker. Something along the lines of 'Buying this album means you're a cunt'. Brian was shit enough when he was marketed as a Mother's Day artist but his tragic electro makeover is a crime against humanity. "Just Say So" somehow topped the charts - I think Dulta opened 5,000 iTunes accounts and downloaded multiple copies - but the rest of the singles tanked and Brian was reduced to teaming up with his repugnant wife. To no avail as it turned out. If you're gagging for a bunch of autotuned to the point of parady pop tunes sung by a fat Irish bastard wearing eye make-up, then this is the album for you!
1. Messy Little Raindrops - Cheryl Cole
Amogbokpa's ruthless tormentor dropped her heinous sophomore album in 2010, lowering the bar for popular music even further in the process. I thought "3 Words" was a musical abortion for the ages but the abusive racist from that flop girlband that no one gives a shit about somehow managed to serve up an even less appealing mix of mind numbingly boring ballads and unconvincing mid-tempo urban pop tunes. Seriously, were the producers taking the piss? Upbeat tracks like "Promise This" and "Amnesia" are stomach churningly bad enough but who really thinks balladry is Cheryl's calling? She makes Uffie sound like Maria Callas on "Raindrops", while I'm convinced she phoned in her "Happy Tears" vocal while pouring over the latest copy of KKK Weekly. Even more astounding was her decision to release "The Flood" as a single. Who was she kidding? This exercise in aural torture is a definite contender for worst song of 2010 with its migraine inducing vocal and so bad they're just hideous lyrics. Although seeing it stall at number 18 on the UK singles chart did amuse me. Now that the British public has finally woken up to Cheryl's evil ways and dismissed her as a diabolical abomination against all that is good and holy, can she just fuck off? Please?