Sunday, January 09, 2011

The 10 Worst Videos Of 2010

Choosing the year's worst videos was like picking up in a brothel. Too fucking easy. It seems that everyone dropped their bundle in 2010 and dished up pile after pile of steaming shit. I avoided choosing the videos that stank due to budget restrictions - actually most of those made my best of countdown - because there's only so much you can do with $20 and an iPhone. Instead, I focused on clips that had the resources to be so much better. I should also point out that I'm strictly talking about the visuals. I love most of these songs. In fact, many of them will feature on my best singles of 2010 countdown. But that's still no excuse for inflicting the following crimes against humanity upon us!

10. Alejandro - Lady Gaga (Video)

I really couldn't decide whether to put this in my best or worst videos of 2010 countdown. The direction and cinematography are absolutely stunning and Lady Gaga deserves props for wearing a latex nun's habit without looking like she's just escaped from an insane asylum. My problem with "Alejandro" is that it's all been done before. This video is like looking inside Madonna's brain circa 1989. There's the religious symbolism that permeated her entire "Like A Prayer" album, the industrial setting of "Express Yourself" and even the pre-historic diva's pointy bra. Hell, she even lifted the dance routine from "Vogue"! I'm sure the clip is revolutionary if you're 15 and didn't experience the real deal but it gives the rest of us a serious case of deja vu.

9. Get Outta My Way - Kylie (Video)

This clip sums up everything that's wrong with Kylie at the moment. She's completely lost touch with the people that buy - or would potentially buy - her music. You have a ridiculously catchy song about flirting with guys at the club to make your lame arse boyfriend jealous and Dannii's much older sister films a high art video wearing Gaultier couture in which she stands around on chairs like a hypnotised meerkat. I honestly believe if she had pulled on some jeans and made a fun clip that even remotely related to the song, the middle aged housewives and suburban gays that comprise the bulk of her fanbase would have come to the party. Instead she impressed ten fashionistas in Paris. Good job.

8. Skin I'm In - Static Revenger featuring Luciana (Video)

Now this pains me. I worship at the church of Luciana and can legitimately lay claim to being her number one fan. She's also a good friend of mine and I fucking LOVE this song. But there's no denying that the video is completely rancid. It's cheap, visually boring and makes a genuinely stunning woman look like a 49 year old bus driver. Then there's the small matter of Static Revenger hogging the spotlight, the ugly extras and redundant special effects. "I Like That" was literally filmed for 500 pounds by Luci's hairdresser and it stands up against anything funded by a major label. This, on the other hand, is just rank.

7. The Way You Love Me - Keri Hilson featuring Rick Ross (Video)

Any video that features cameos from Jojo, Faith Evans and Dawn as Charlie's Angels-esque special agents should be genre defining. And "The Way You Love Me" starts promisingly enough. That is until Miskeried (as she's known to Bey stans) strips off and takes pussy popping choreography to previously unimagined depths. This shit would make a gynaecologist blush. Seriously, bitch - put it the fuck away! I don't want to see your bony arse grinding away like a ten dollar hooker on Meth and I really don't want to catch an accidental glimpse of your grand canyon. Nasty!

6. Indestructible - Robyn (Video)

Congratulations, Robyn. This video turned me off sex. For life.

5. Licky - Shontelle (Video)

Yet another great song undone by a disastrous clip. "Licky" was filmed at the height of Lady Gaga mania and her influence can be seen in every outfit Shontelle wears. Unfortunately, instead of making the rich man's Rihanna look cool and edgy - they have the unfortunate side effect of making her look like a man. Seriously, I've seen drag queens without make up look more feminine that Shontelle in this clip. The scene where she's strolling down the street dressed as some kind of tranny pimp could explain the number 81 chart placing of her fabulous album.

4. The Flood - Cheryl Cole (Video)

Seeing the convicted criminal from Girls Aloud impersonate Sophie Ellis-Bextor in "Promise This" was offensive enough but the mind numbingly dull "Halo"-by-the-sea video for her latest flop borders on inhumane. With nothing else to look at apart from pop music's most infamous charisma free zone, you are forced to listen to her paper thin voice and compute shiteous lyrics like "turn the lights out in the lighthouse". Ear rape has never been quite as soul destroying.

3. Commander - Kelly Rowland (Video)

How do you blow a sure fire hit that had the internet in a frenzy from the minute it leaked? Easy. Hire the world's worst special effects team, rope in an ugly French DJ to make a completely unnecessary cameo and come up with the lamest dual personality storyline in the history of modern music complete with extras wearing gas marks. Oh and throw in some bad choreography for good measure as well as a selection of outfits that Kelly probably stole from a charity bin outside the House of Dereon.

2. Get Em Girls - Jessica Mauboy featuring Snoop Dog (Video)

Poor Jessica. She must have thought she had it made when Sony sent her over to LA to film "Get Em Girls" with Hype Williams - the man behind Bey's "Videophone" and Ke$ha's "We R Who We R". But instead of the iconic clip she was hoping for, the diva ended up with a video so bad it almost killed her career and sunk her album before it was even released. The whole thing is just so tacky, forced and unconvincing. Seeing Jess awkwardly stumble down a runway in some of the worst ensembles in fashion history is truly painful to behold and I can't decide if Snoop looks more bored or embarrassed. Happily, the success of "Saturday Night" has turned things around for Australia's new Queen of crunk but this will live on in infamy for all the wrong reasons.

1. Mistakes - Brian McFadden and Delta Goodrem (below)

If nothing else this clip answers a question I've long pondered over. What happens when two gigantic cunts collide?


Scott said...

You summed Kylie up perfectly! I blame Willy Baker for this. I blame him for most things. Bring back the jeans!

tommie said...

Are the Kylietards blaming the video for Get Outta My Way's massive floppage now?

The Prophet said...

Kylie's Get Outta My Way was more like one of the best videos, not the worst, and I'm not even a Kylie stan.

I'm glad she did something different.

Robyn's video is good too.

The Way You Love Me is a shocker tho, as is The Flood and Get Em Girls and I assume that Brian McFadden one is too but I refuse to watch it.

Rob Bruin said...

Hey, am I the only one hearing/seeing some similarities between that Keri Hilson song (and vid) and Christina Milian circa "Dip It Low"?? :s

And wtf: there's nothing wrong with Robyn's vid! I was expecting a mixture of several Stephen King horror scenarios being reenacted and the worst snuff movie ever, but all I saw was some femmes doing mouth to mouth (really, for me the most challenging thing to see). Big deal. :\

Well, anyhow: Mike, let us know how your life living in a chasity cage is going. As sex is not in order anymore, there is enough time for the other two things that may make life worth living: booze and music. As I'm excluding the booze (it will only lead to you wanting to get rid of the chasity cage ASAP), it's needless to say I expect more music from you now, mister! :P

PS Kylie just lost her touch. That's OK, she will get it again (someday). But for now her music (and vids) aren't outspoken enough anymore. It's fun music to listen at when it's on the background, I mean, WAY better than lift music, but too boring and wallflower-like to gain ány attention from radiostations (let alone its listeners). So unless she lets go of her desperate tries of regaining her "Fever" sound again, I'm afraid we can bitch about Kylie's dilemmas for quite some time. :(

Seth said...

Dulta's video with the fat cunt is absolutely vile, not only the worst video of 2010, but definitely one of the worst in the entire decade... barf.

I would have placed Alejandro in the top 5, since it's the most pretentious piece of crap that gaga has made, and gives you a direction that if she over does it for Born This Way (like she did with Alejandro) she has quite some chances to burn herself.

Mike you also missed The Racist's VILE video for Promise This, which has got to be on thetop 5 of the WORST songs of 2010, it has the power to mentally drain a person. And just for the record i wanna make clear that The Racist viciously STOLE Heidi Montag's marvelous video for Higher and copied it frame by frame for her flop 2nd single, only that less glamurousand obviously with so much less budget.

tommie said...


Mariah said...

hahaahahahahaha @ tommie

Me said...

I would have put FLOP Outta Tha Charts at numbar wun1111 until I witnessed that abomination that is DULLta and McFATten... VILE.......

Poor Kylie can't even get the top of a Worst Videos Chart these days - what a DIRE FLOP.

Everything else in your list is deserving of its place but you missed out that utterly repulsive thing you posted several months ago that looked like it was filmed in the back office of GAY with the "dancers" being pulled from the toilet queue.

Justin said...

Get Outta My Way is one of best of 2010 hun x