Sunday, December 19, 2010

Pop Panel 3 - Week 7

Pop Panel is back for another week after a brief hiatus and it's one of the strangest installments yet. I don't think I've ever seen so many songs get full marks or zeros. This is the ultimate love it or hate it week! The winner is also a major surprise. I'm happy it won but I think the second and third place getters are considerably better. I was tempted to re-vote to rig the outcome but I'm not quite that desperate. We also have a fabulous celebrity guest helping out this week but more about her later. Here are the bitches responsible for this week's outcome:

D'Luv (US) writer of Chart Rigger and Idolator
Mike (AUS) author of this classy blog
Robpop (UK) writer of Don't Stop The Pop
The Prophet (AUS) writer of The Prophet

We were also assisted by the following guest judges:

David Lim (Aus) writer of the fabulous Feed Limmy and a budding pop star in his own right. Check out this fabulous demo. I want more!

and

Australian rock chick turned electro-pop sensation Sarah McLeod. Everyone over the age of 25 will remember Sarah as the sexy frontwoman of iconic rock band The Superjesus. Since then she's turned her hand to dance music with major success. "He Doesn't Love You" was absolutely massive in the clubs, my favourite "White Horse" charted internationally and her amazing 2010 comeback song "Double R" is currently being given major support by Tiesto on his world tour. When she's not setting dancefloors on fire, Sarah is helping keep homeless kids off the street. All the proceeds of her latest single - a stunning cover of Bruce Springsteen's "Dancing In The Dark" - are going to a homeless charity, so pull your finger out and download it from iTunes. Check out the song and video below:

As usual the songs are rated for lowest to highest.

Millionaires - Party Like A Millionaire (Video)

American girlband/online sensation sing about... their pussies.

David: My middle finger's totally up in the air. Slags, I think we just stumbled on a new choon to strut our asses to. My pussay's totally doing the krump like you won't believe. 3/5
D'Luv: I liked "Stay The Night", but this is WAY too desperate. These whores need to shut the fuck up and get back to the nightshift at McDonald's. 0/5
Mike: Gross. Ke$ha has her moments but the new Queen of pop's tongue is always firmly in cheek while "Party Like A Millionaire" sounds like a 'how to' manual written by Paris Hilton. If she came from Bankstown. 0/5
Robpop: So this is what happened to Daphne & Celeste. Utterly shit. 0/5
Sarah McLeod: Man I thought Ke$ha was bad, this hitz a new low, great role models those ladies... Mike, you're diluting my precious antique ears. 0/5
The Prophet: Millionaires are so defining and I can't believe I missed that they had a new single out! It's not quite as excellent as their Madonna rip off "Stay the Night" but the disgusting video makes up for it! 5/5
Total: 8/30

Kat DeLuna - Party O'Clock (Video)

RedOne produced Kat's latest stunning Belgium only release.

David: I've grown old waiting for this video to drop but now that I've seen Kat's bebeh face pouting and gyrating, I don't think I want this no more. Why is she still looking like a child with grown chichis? What's with the Belgium-only release? The world needs to get in on this. 4/5
D'Luv: I remember reading an interview with RedOne last year where he said he's only producing material for people who sell records going forward. He must have either been high on K or he's tapping Kat Deluna's already cluttered ass. Not an awful song, but too bad someone with a bit more class like Smokahontas Jones isn't singing it. 2.5/5
Mike: I'm a loud and proud Kat DeLuna stan. "Push Push" is easily one of the best songs of 2010 - but this is ten kinds of tragic from the lame lyrics to embarrassing video. Talk about going from the sublime to the ridiculous. 2/5
Robpop: Torrents of epic lameness. This kind of music is starting to sound so similar now. 0/5
Sarah McLeod: I hate this song and now its stuck in my head, it’s fuckin' awful. Thanx Mike. 1/5
The Prophet: Kat is the Queen of europop and I've been whoring "Party O'Clock" since the demo first leaked. Kat DeLuna is like crack to me - I just can't get enough! 5/5
Total: 14.5/30

Johnny McGovern & Calpernia - Likin' Big Dicks (Video)

A cover of "Like A G6".

David: I cannot wait to pump this as I cruise through the straight club districts. You know them closet hungry bottoms can't help but respond to this. 5/5
D'Luv: These two are still alive? 0/5
Mike: This song is so redundant. It goes without saying that we all like monster cocks but they're not exactly in short supply. It's much harder to find something worthwhile attached to the end of the penis. 2/5
Robpop: This needs a big douche as too full of shit to function. 0/5
Sarah McLeod: It's like Right Said Fred for the new millinium, love it! 5/5
The Prophet: Finally somebody is making music I can relate to. I'm so proud to be a size queen... *sheds tear*. 5/5
Total: 17/30

Natalia Kills - Mirrors (Above)

Natalia has been dubbed the new Lady Gaga. Produced by Akon.

David: I can't wait for this vixen to step out of that "Gaga wannabe" tag so I can get a proper assessment of her style. Dark, menacing and promising - Imma keep this tab open and check back for the next video. 4/5
D'Luv: Wake me up when Lolene Ferreira Kills happens. 2/5
Mike: Natalia is fierce. I love her attitude and mini-movies but she's asking for trouble by releasing "Mirrors" as her debut. It's very similar to "Just Dance" - only without the amazing lyrics about being too drug fucked to find your keys and phone. I'm excited about her album. 3.5/5
Robpop: Synthetic shit that thinks its amazingly hip but so devoid of soul that it emerges as a massive blackhole of creativity. These songs all sound exactly the same now. Stop trying to sound like knock-off Rihanna/GaGa's and get your own sound girls. 0/5
Sarah McLeod: Lady GaGa’s running real low on inspiration these dayz... Oh wait, it's not Lady GaGa... ERROR. I hate seeing the wave of imposters in the wake of someone else’s success. It blows. Having said that if there was no Lady GaGa it wouldn’t be too bad. 3/5
The Prophet: Shits on Tranny GaGa's "Just Flop", but it probably won't become a hit because Natalia has too much class to suck Jimmy Iovine and Akon's cocks like GaGa did to get in the charts! 5/5
Total: 17.5/30

September - Resuscitate Me (Video)

Swedish pop diva returns with new single.

David: Aww. Who's upset our Swedish dance goddess? Because I'm not recognising this raccoon leaking all over the track. True talk: I love me some dance ballads but this sounds painfully dated. It's probably not her schtick but September could use with some avant garde remixers to light up this track. 2/5
D'Luv: This is alright. September has done better. But, hey — maybe with that haircut people will mistake her for Robyn and actually buy this song? 2/5
Mike: LOL at D'Luv insinuating that Robyn actually has hits. But I digress. I worship Petra and "Resuscitate Me" is the cutest thing she's put her name to since "Because I Love You". Everything about this light and fluffy Euro-pop gem pushes my buttons from the unashamedly romantic lyrics to the insidiously catchy chorus. Now how do I get me some of that love CPR? 5/5
Robpop: What do you have if you put Robyn and Booty Luv: you get this rebranded and new look September. And I fucking love it. Really needs a key change and then it would soar into the pop stratosphere. 5/5
Sarah McLeod: “I NEED LOVE CPR”??????????? Is she serious, that’s AWESOME! Ha ha ha ha! 1/5
The Prophet: September just snatch Cuntcada's wig! 5/5
Total: 20/30

Hurts - All I Want For Christmas Is New Year's Day (Video)

Uk electro band unveil the year's most depressing holiday anthem.

David: And the room falls silent. Yo, Mike, what's with the hard-on killer? In light of Mimi's depressingly saccharine Christmas album, this might just be my much-sought after antidote. 3/5
D'Luv: Wow — we actually get one scrap of class this week? Thanks! I like Hurts, though their dour schtick is wearing pretty thin at this point. Still, this perfectly sums up how effing depressing the holidays truly tend be if you're over the age of 10. 5/5
Mike: Finally a song that captures the pure misery of Christmas. Until now I had dismissed Hurts as a Pet Shop Boys tribute act but this might just convert me. 5/5
Robpop: And breathe. Finally an act and song that dares to include a melody, real vocals and interesting narrative. I love this. 4.5/5
Sarah McLeod: Wow I LOVED this band when I heard "Better Than Love" but this song is L.A.M.E, most christmas songs are though... unless they’re carols, in which case they’re RAD! 3/5
The Prophet: The only Christmas songs worth playing are Vanessa Hudgen's "Winter Wonderland" and Fiona Apple's Frosty the Snowman. All else = fail. The only thing that hurts about this Xmas tune are my fucking ears. 0/5
Total: 20.5/30

SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Kara - Jumping (Video)

Forget 2NE1 and Girls Generation, South Korea's defining girlband is here.

David: This is totally satiating my Asian persuasion but I don't know, gurls. Them stakes are raised pretty high for K-pop girl bands right now and that choreography's definitely setting them back a bit. Why wasn't I called in to coach them on the booty bounce? 3/5
D'Luv: My favorite member of Kara is the one with the huge cock. 3/5
Mike: Oh look, it's the pretty and talented version of 2NE1! Utterly stunning! 5/5
Robpop: Nice but we've heard this all before. 0.5/5
Sarah McLeod: ASIAN JAILBAIT... I felt perverted watching this clip. 5/5
The Prophet: Mike is a cunt for ignoring my stunning K-Pop suggestions of 2NE1 and Orange Caramel in favor or KARAccident, but I'm stanning for K-Pop lately so they get full marks, even if the song itself is beneath the ones I suggested! 5/5
Total: 21.5/30

18 comments:

The Prophet said...

I SEE WE HAVE SOME HATERS IN THE BUILDING TONIGHT!

SO WHOSE WIG DO I NEED TO SNATCH FIRST?

LETS START WITH MIKE SINCE HE RUNS THIS POP PANEL. MIKE HONEY I READ WHAT YOU WROTE ON "LIKIN BIG DICKS" AND ALL I CAN SAY IS DONT BRING YOUR PERSONAL LIFE INTO THE POP PANEL! THATS UNPROFFESIONAL! AND I DONT CARE WHAT A JERK THE GUY IS IF HE IS PACKING THAT MUCH HEAT WHERE IT COUNTS THEN IMMA JUMP ON AND NEVER GET OFF, YA DIG?

NOW FOR HATIN ASS D'LUV AKA ROBBIE DOOOOOOOOOOOOR! THAT HURTS SONG IS A DESPERATE FLOP, HOW COULD YOU AND DYKE I MEAN MIKE GIVE IT 5/5 AND THEN HATE ON KAT DELEGENDS PARTY O'CLOCK? THIS SONG IS GONNE FLOP HARDER THAN JESSICA SIMPSON'S XMAS ALBUM WHILE KAT DELUNA PARTIES HER WAY INTO THE TOP TWENTY OF THE BELGIUM CHARTS SO STAY DA FUCK MAD AT THAT!

ROBPOP? I SEE WE HAVE A TRANNY GAGA STAN IN THE HOUSE TONIGHT HATING ON NATALIA! YOU NEED TO LEAVE AND TAKE THAT PRETENTIOUS DONKEY DICKED DUM-DUM WITH YOU BECAUSE NATALIA WILL SLAY GAGA ANY DAY OF THE WEEK AND SO WILL BRITNEY WHEN SHE RELEASES HER NEW ALBUM IN MARCH SO GET READY FOR THAT!

AND I DONT CARE IF KAT DELUNA LOOKS LIKE A BULLDOG WHO CHEWED ON A DAMN WASP SHE STILL SLAYS AND IM DISGUSTED AT THE HATE SHE RECEIVED THIS WEEK AND TO PAY YOU ALL BACK NEXT POP PANEL I AM GONNA GIVE ZERO SCORES TO ALL THE SONGS I THINK YOU WILL ALL LOVE!

Adem With An E said...

Doez Zarah McLeoud often replace her "s's" with the letter Z? And hating on KeZha, GaGa AND the glorious new HURTS single have only convinced me she still hates pop music and still has a Superjesus Mentality about the charts. OH WELL! Back to the dumper for you Sarah.

Amazing as always otherwise though, even the nasty comments I didn't agree with from everybody else were at least formed somewhat intelligently/made for laughs/the spelling was correct.

Anonymous said...

As alwatys, the mediocre winner song is compensated by Prophet's amazing comment.

John said...

I think I need to file a complaint with the United Nations, because some of the votes around here are borderline war crimes.

Mike said...

Prophet, it's time for some of your own medicine.

1. You are a closet Beyonce stan - I have photographic evidence after finding 4 of her CDs in your cupboard.

2. That makes you a total fraud and your opinions completely invalid!

3. I like big dicks - pun intended - but I am pressed, bitter and over the gays. So excuse me if this shit didn't push my buttons this week. Stay mad!

4. Hurts actually have hits in Europe. And in more than one country unlike Kat.

5. I'm a bigger Kat stan than you. I imported Push Push from France - where it was a massive top 10 smash - but this new track is rancid. That said, I just spent 50 Euro on her Belgium only album so back the fuck up!

6. Rob hates Lady Gaga.

7. I'm going to make next week a Bey retrospective and change all your scores to 5/5 just to spite you.

Adem - that's a bit harsh. Sarah does like big dicks and the trashiest Korean girlband in pop history!

John - Which votes are you referring to? Spill!

D'luv said...

Prophet, I'd snatch your own wig if I hadn't already done so and thrown it into a meat grinder, where Ciara clearly fished it out and used it to fund Basic Instinct. Regarding your plan to give zero scores next time to all the songs you think everyone else will like, what do you think I did to YOU this time? Try to keep up ... and STAY MAD.

P.S. Anyone looking for Prophet's sex hook-up profile online, look no further...

Robpop said...

I am no GaGa fan Prophet. Seriously. I am not a fan. I am objective when it comes to GaGa....and her clones. So in defense of moi....I really respect Lady GaGa. Went to see her on Friday. VIP section darlings! I think what she does is unique and considering she's so young a very impressive show was put on. I do however think its a bit sloppy for artists to put on some shoulderpads and rub in rnb with synths and throw that at me. Its not original or creative. I think i am just getting fatigue with that kind of re-replicated sound. GaGa does it perfectly. But it can go terribly wrong when repeated and repeated. By themselves the songs are fine and dandy...but when you've heard so many autotuned girls doing the same thing, i am bored with it.

(Word verification was: Panslut. Which is french for Bread whore. Love it here.)

Dwayne said...

Jeebus. Pop Panel has always been slightly OTT, but it was amusing and still highlighted some great pop discoveries. This place has degenerated into a celebration of anything slutty and whore-iffic, and is more about who can insult and trash talk the best. Forget about any semi-serious musical discussion. I remember when I used to look forward to the next post. I'm thinking I won't bother anymore.

DoucheBag Robpop said...

Let's get rid of that idiot Robpop. What's the point? He'll love anything Swedish, no matter how rancid it is. And, he will compare everything to Robyn. I mean seriously! He didn't disappoint, how predictable. Twat!

Anonymous said...

pop panel is THE highlight of my week!

Mariah said...

LOL @ all the drama

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, we need new panelists with crazier personalities. Right now prophet has to do all of the work.

"Party O'Clock" is amazing and deserves better scores. And "Mirrors" is defining. It deserves 5/5 from everyone.

FeedLimmy said...

DAAAAAAMN.
*steps over the mess and floor full of wigs, and saunters over to re-apply lippy*

Brett said...

This week sets some kind of wig snatching record!

Rob is great, love Limmy and bad mood Mike is fabulous.

Best pop panel in ages, tho a shit winner!

tommie said...

Actually, September was named Sweden's biggest music export during 2009 and she's the first Swede since Ace of Base raped Cruel Summer to have a Gold record in the US.

TAKE THAT ROBYN! (I still love your flopping psycho ass)

Diva Incarnate said...

Hurry up with your best of 2010 lists!

I don't know any of these songs (perhaps embed smaller-sized youtube clips so we don't need to leave the page to sample what the fuss is or isn't about?).

Happy holidays - hope you get locks of cock and bum! xx

Me said...

The Prophet is an utter nappy soiling fuckwit who ruins Pop Panel. Please get rid for 2011...

Mille_808 said...

When's pop panel coming back??

Anonymous said...

Please Bring Back Pop Panel oar I willnsnatch Beyonce's wigs!!

A suggestion for PP (pure trash):

http://youtu.be/GdvVWa4XYSs