D'Luv (US) writer of Chart Rigger and Idolator
Mike (AUS) author of this classy blog
The Prophet (AUS) writer of The Prophet
We were also assisted by the following bloggers:
Gordon (UK) writer of the amazing Diva Incarnate. If high camp pop is your thing, then his blog is THE place to be!
Enric (Spain) writer of Blog petit, pero valent. He's one of my hot Spanish bitches, so you know he's defining.
and last but definitely not least we have a stunning celebrity judge!
Erika Jayne is one of the hottest dance divas on the block right now. Her first 4 singles shot to #1 on the US club chart and her new hit "One Hot Pleasure" looks set to follow suit. Erika's catchy jam perfectly straddles the pop and dance worlds. It's slick, catchy and sexy. It was also written by club King Dave Aude and my homegirl Luciana - so you know it's quality. And don't even get me started on the video (below). It contains so much fabulousness that prolonged exposure is sure to turn you gay. Despite the fact that Erika is pure sex and really turns it out. Give it a look! The song is on iTunes now. Buy it. I really hope this is her crossover hit. An Australian record label would be crazy not to jump on it. I'm so excited to have her on board!
As usual the songs are rated from lowest to highest. Here goes!
Natasha Bedingfield – Strip Me (Video)
Daniel's horse faced sister is back.
D'Luv: If Natasha spent less time working with trendy writers and producers and more time actually writing decent material like her first album, I might not have to sit here every time I hear one of her goddamn boring-ass songs and wonder why I never got to fuck her brother when he was thin and still relevant. So screw her. 1.5/5
Diva Incarnate: You've really lowered the bar with this one: the good thing about this song is that if you like it you can just buy Beyonce's "Halo" off itunes instead. -5/5
Enric: I must say that I hate her with all my heart, I hate her annoying voice, her tampon-ad songs, and her appearance on Nicki Minaj’s album. But, for the first time ever, I love her rip off of Jordin Sparks’ Battlefield. Is Ryan Tedder (producer of the track) trying to make another Halo-Already Gone thing? 5/5
Erika Jayne: Saw the video. Love the new fashion risks she’s taking. Can’t wait for the remixes! 2/5
Mike: Thanks for that charming story, Proph. I'll never be able to listen to "Unwritten" again without wanting to call the authorities. As for Natasha - she still looks like a distant relative of Phar Lap but "Halo" is my probably my favourite song of all time, so anything that rips it off this closely is ok by me. 4/5
The Prophet: I can't believe I used to love Natasha Bedingfield when I was younger. When I was an underage teenager and first moved to Sydney I made this creepy old guy who was obsessed with me buy me one of her singles. He didn't even buy me her album. He was such a freak actually, once I went to his house to play my Gamecube because I didn't have a TV yet, and he had this young teenage boy staying with him who looked like some street trash who had been kicked out of home and was sleeping with this old pervert to keep a roof over his head. I just ignored it and continued playing Resident Evil, then went home. 0/5
Edita – I’ve Come To Life (Video)
Winner of German X Factor’s debut single.
D'Luv: Musically, this song sounds like a knockoff of Hurts' "Wonderful Life." Vocally, it sounds like Leona Lewis getting pile-drived beneath the Brandenberg Gate, with thighs jutting out to each side like twin beacons of freedom. 1/5
Diva Incarnate: Since she's German I give this a nine! And in English I give it a 2.
Enric: A beautiful song, but it sounds so Ryan Tedder that it gets boring after the first chorus. I love seeing Sarah Connor, she perfectly fits in this blog. 3/5
Erika Jayne: Go Germany! 1/5
Mike: Back off, bitches! Edita might look like a shopgirl from Magdeburg playing dress up in an outfit Diana Ross discarded circa 1985 but she can sing and the song is lovely. I can't wait for my copy to arrive from Germany!5/5
The Prophet: Not only did Mike purposely ignored ALL my pop panel suggestions this week, but rather than use one of my epic submissions he stuck this German BITCH up instead to SPITE me because he knows I hate Germans, Germany and Mike's German heritage. This bitch is floppier than my 8 inch dildo Alejandro. ZERO! 0/5
Mariah & Patricia Carey – O Come All Ye Faithful (Video)
Mimi teams up with her mum on this Christmas carol!
D'Luv: I guess now we know where Mimi got her pipes from. And her penchant for fucking for tracks. This is so Mariah-style over the top it's getting a perfect score. 5/5
Diva Incarnate: Mariah still shrieks those tender high notes like someone's fish-hooked her vagina. Hard to tell if she is leaving a voicemail to Kanye or actually singing come-ye. Does she sing this to her 12 year old husband when he has nightmares? 2/5
Enric: Mariah (who is actually 46 months pregnant, judging by her full size) and her Opera singer-wannabe mum Patricia turn Christmas into a nightmare full of fear, screams, high notes and broken glasses. Pay special attention to the 2:03 mark and try to survive it. 2/5
Erika Jayne: Xmas is one of my favorite holidays. Mariah is the ultimate Xmas carol diva. 3/5
Mike: I feel like I've just spent 3 and a half minutes in Mimi's high kitsch rainbow coloured world where all pets wear Santa costumes and 9 inch heels are normal footwear for heavily pregnant women. It's as warm and personal as it is ridiculous and cringe-worthy. Which perfectly sums up Christmas, doesn't it? 5/5
The Prophet: I love Mariah and "I Still Believe" is one of my all time favorite songs, but nobody gives a fuck about this Christmas album or seeing her sing a duet with Mother Mimi. For this Holiday season I'm on team Auntie Susie (The Gift!) and Jessica Simpson's stunning Mariah knock-off "My Only Wish" from her festive opus "Happy Christmas" which peaked at a dizzying #123 on the Billboard Charts. 0/5
Kylie & Taio Cruz – Higher (Video)
Kylie's latest adventure is a duet with UK pop sensation Taio Cruz.
D'Luv: I hate to say it, but Kylie seems a little desperate doing this. It sounds like some anonymous dance track any studio singer from Germany could have lent vocals to, and if the 'Aphrodite' campaign needs this type of stunt to remind people that Kylie's got an album out, best just to move on. 2/5
Diva Incarnate: The most natural Kylie has looked since chilbirth. The only thing getting higher is her right eyebrow. Taio probably thought she was Lulu anyway. 3/5
Enric: Maybe I dreamed it, but I think this was meant to be on Aphrodite. Let’s hope it’s on the re-release (by the way, I wish it’s called Hermaphrodite) because it’s awesome. This is my favourite Kylie era ever. 5/5
Erika Jayne: I’ve always been a fan of Kylie – how could you not?! 3/5
Mike: I love it. Taio is on fire and this is as close to current Dannii's withered up sister has come to sounding... since "Get Outta My Way"! A shame then that Kylie is still wasting her time promoting the mega flop "Better Than Today" and a Christmas EP that no one wants when she could have a hit on her hands with this gem. 5/5
The Prophet: This gets three points for Kylie, but minus two points for Taio, leaving us with ONE. 1/5
Dyan Tai – Why Sydney? (Above)
Introducing the winner of Sydneyvision 2010 - a suburb vs suburb Australian take on Eurovision!
D'Luv: Thank God — new masturbation material. 4/5
Diva Incarnate: Sounds like a forgotten wigfield remix with that bassline. Since I love Asian lesbians I give it a 5.
Enric: I love the instrumental, sounds simple but dancey. But his voice and his extra-feminine acting, added to the cheap video and the worst clothes selection ever, makes me feel confused. I want to like it, but I can’t. 1/5
Erika Jayne: I saw his video, and love his artistic-ness with his make-up. 2/5
Mike: Fuck off, Altiyan. Australia's next music god is already here! 5/5
The Prophet: Defining! Australia's answer to Far East Movement has arrived! Dyan looks like one of those asian Twinks you see tweaking on level 1 at the Midnight Shift. 4.5/5
Wynter Gordon – Dirty Talk (Video)
US dance diva has an Australian hit on her hands with this sleazy tune.
D'Luv: I feel like this song has been out for at least a year, right? And didn't it have a completely different video at one point? This one's much better. Wynter's a trooper, and so I'll give her 3.5/5.
Diva Incarnate: Lukewarm trance. Not so much lyrics as reading aloud Dannii's dressing room demands. 3/5
Enric: Keri Hilson’s cheap version is still trying to top any chart. I adore one of her first songs, "Surveillance", and maybe you loved it too in 2007. "Dirty Talk" is not better, but is one of 2010 most finest tracks. 5/5
Erika Jayne: I really like this song – I can relate to the sexy lyrics. I love a dirty conversation. 4/5
Mike: My love for this gorgeous creature knows no bounds. I hope this is huge for her. She deserves it, Wyn has been on the grind since 04! 5/5
The Prophet: I've been a Wynter fan since the "Surveillance" days, but now all of a sudden that she's this new club Queen every fickle flop out there is on her clit. Wynter is MY thing and I was playing this song since the second it leaked so stay mad. 4/5
SINGLE OF THE WEEKCrystal Castles – Not In Love (Video)
Features vocals of The Cure's Robert Smith.
D'Luv: I lived for The Cure when I was 13 and 14. Nice to hear that Robert Smith still has teenage boy voice all these years later, now that I'm 19. Alright, joking aside, I'm 22 and this song is a winner. 5/5
Diva Incarnate: When the pop is stark and hooky I usually cream my pants but candidly shit emo vocals rub me with more irritation than Michelle McManus's thighs. The fizzy synthesizers save it. 3/5
Enric: I know them because they messed up their performance last year in Barcelona, throwing vodka and drums to the audience. I love the ravey chorus and it’s always great to hear Robert Smith’s vocals. 4/5
Erika Jayne: I grew up listening to The Cure. I love Robert Smith! His voice is one of a kind. 4/5
Mike: A great cover a forgotten 80s gem. Sad, beautiful and haunting. 5/5
The Prophet: Finally some good music graces the FLOP panel. 5/5