D'Luv (US) writer of Chart Rigger and Idolator
J-Step (AUS) music industry insider
Mike (AUS) author of this classy blog
Robpop (UK) writer of Don't Stop The Pop
The Prophet (AUS) writer of The Prophet
And then there's our special celebrity guest - the one and only Kelly Llorenna! This is such an honour. I've been obsessed with the golden goddess of pop since I first heard "Set You Free" in the 90s. She is a true legend and one of the sweetest people I've had the pleasure of dealing with. K Lo is still busy working on her Freak Asylum project with Love To Infinity but hopefully we'll be hearing something new before the end of the year. I'll update you as soon as there is any news regarding a release date. In the meantime, read my interview with the original Queen of Clubs and check out her iconic improvement of Madonna's "Dress You Up" (below).
As usual, the results are ranked from lowest to highest.
Cascada – Night Nurse (Video)
Natalie & Co return with another Hi-NRG anthem.
D'Luv: Cascada's 17th attempt at remaking "Poker Face" comes close, but no cigar. At least this video had a budget of 30 euros. 2/5
J-Step: Fucking stupid song! Honestly, I go from liking Cascada to being a hater with each single release. Needless to say, I'm back on team hater. 2/5
Kelly Llorenna: Disappointed with this. Prefer when they are doing more uptempo stuff like "Evacuate the Dancefloor" etc. This just seems very weak compared to the fab pop tracks they have had out in the past... not really feeling the video either. They have done some great vids in the past but this is not one of my faves. I give it 2/5.
Mike: Poor Natalie looks like a plus sized Oompa Loompa in the video but this is entirely acceptable dance trash. Bring on the Yanou Candlelight Mix! 2.5/5
Robpop: An epic titanic shit track of leviathan proportions. 0/5
The Prophet: Why are these floptastic failures still releasing music? Ugh. I give this song some credit though because it's not as in-your-face HI-NRG as the rest of their stuff, and I respect them for slightly toning down their sound and trying something slightly different for a change. It's just a shame the song is so boring. 2/5
Alesha Dixon - Radio (Video)
2nd single from Alesha's forthcoming album.
D'Luv: I love how, to break Alesha in America, they have a total white trash couple fighting in a trailer in the video. It's like the "Love The Way You Lie" clip on a shoestring budget and with actors who actually suck worse than Megan Fox. It'll probably work, and this song will be a smash! 2/5
J-Step: Oh, Jesus, I thought Cascada was bad!!! Alesha attempting a ballad is so much worse than Cascada vomiting up and eating the same song for 10 years! 0.5/5
Kelly Llorenna: I was disappointed with this after loving the first single "Drummer Boy" off the new album and the video too. A bit "middle of the road" ballad for miss Dixon. She looks great as usual in the video but not as strong as her other stuff. Shame! As I do like her... I give it 3/5.
Mike: "Radio" sounds like something Ryan Tedder spewed out in 5 minutes between ads while watching the Antiques Roadshow but I kind of like it. Just a shame it was wasted on a talent free zone like Alesha. 3/5
Robpop: If the Cascada track was a Titanic mess, then this is its sister ship, the rms olympic which stayed the course as a ship and was eventually retired. In other words, this is okay but nothing outstanding. It manages to keep its course as an average listenable tune but will ultimately find itself retired into the sunset of the ether. 2/5
The Prophet: When is Alesha DICKson going to realise nobody cares about her solo career? An epic fail at ripping of Queen Robyn on this song. Ew. 0/5
Darin - Lovekiller (below)
Swedish pop star dusts off new single.
D'Luv: The appeal of this guy has escaped me for the large part of his career, though I like a few of his songs. This one's pretty exceptional. Just a really good, non-conventional ballad. 4/5
J-Step: If this really is Sweden's 'King of Pop' then they're in dire need of some new talent. This song (worst metaphor EVER) is almost laughable. When the hell are you supposed to pump this out of your speakers? Mine have just given me a strongly worded warning featuring many expletives that if I even think about doing it again they're going to incinerate themselves. 1/5
Kelly Llorenna: Always love videos which start as a feature film. It took a few plays for me to get into this but kind of like it. I don't really know a lot about this guy but he seems to be doing something right. Nice voice too. I think there are bigger songs to come from him yet. The song is ok but easily forgotten. The bit in the video where they are in the church with black eyes freaked me out! lol! 3/5
Mike: And the award for the most heavy handed and depressing metaphor in recent pop history goes to Darin. This made me want to take a warm bath with a sharp razor. The thing is - I kind of love how over the top it is and will probably play "Lovekiller" on the repeat when I'm old, alone and living in a rundown caravan park with 30 cats. 3.5/5
Robpop: Oh there are those strings again. 2 points already. By the time of chorus kicks in, you could imagine this being sung by Jordin Sparks. Not that that's entirely a bad thing but it is totally void of character and emotion. As a stand alone song I feel this is actually the best of the bunch this week but there is absolutely emotion or soul in it. Leaves me numb. 3/5
The Prophet: Darin is only relevant when he's performing with the LEGENDARY Kat DeLuna. Flop. 0/5
Girls' Generation - Hoot (Video)
Korean girlband unveils latest smash.
D'Luv: Great. So a pack of Korean strippers got ahold of daddy's Platinum Visa card, Mapquested their way to Victoria's Secret and now think they're Girls Aloud. They've actually got 50 times more charisma than Girls Aloud, but this is still boring as fuck. 1/5
J-Step: They're no BoA! Catchy chorus, though. And I love the clip! 3/5
Kelly Llorenna: Wasn't sure what to expect from this girlband as I had never heard anything about them but was pleasantly surprised!! Very catchy pop song which reminded me of something Girls Aloud would do. Really liked the video too... very poppy and couldn't stop singing it all day lol. The only thing I couldn't figure out was how many where in the band!? lol! I give it 4/5.
Mike: If the Wonder Girls are Asia's answer to Destiny's Child, then I guess that makes Girls Generation the Korean Shakaya. 1/5
Robpop: Reasonably okay pop from Girls Generation. A bit too tedious and lukewarm for me. It kinda sounds like an S Club 8 b-side. 3/5
The Prophet: These girls never fail to have the best and catchiest hooks on all their stunning hits. "Hoot" is no "Gee" but it's still amazing, nonetheless. 5/5
Slash feat. Fergie - Beautiful Dangerous (Video)
Ex-Guns N Roses guitarist gets fergalicious.
D'Luv: No. 0/5
J-Step: Hot song, hot video = HOT, HOT, HOT!!! 4/5
Kelly Llorenna: Love it, love it. love it!!! My fave out of all the reviews. I am a massive fan of Slash and Fergie. This rocks!!! This is one of them tracks I wish I had done!!! lol! Slash's guitar licks and Fergie's bad ass voice!!! Winning formula!!! And the video!!! Wow!!! And the best butt award goes to? Wow she looks amazing!!! My fave!!! 5/5
Mike: Absolutely stunning. This was never going to be a hit but I love everything about it. The Dutchess shows P!nk how a real rock chick rolls! And as much as it pains me to admit, I agree with The Prophet. Fergie needs to take a holiday from the Peas and do her own thing. Someone needs to put the pretenders in check. 5/5
The Prophet: Fergie just SNATCHED AND SLAYED your faves! Stay mad! She needs to fuck off this electro shit with the Black Eyed PEA BRAINS and start work on her own ROCK album. 5/5
Peppermint – Let U have It (Video)
New York's hottest tranny gets sexy.
D'Luv: This is what Hell sounds like, as produced by C+C Music Factory. 5/5
J-Step: I prefer spearmint, bitch. Leave the yelling to Kelis. Keep the guy, though! 2.5/5
Kelly Llorenna: I feel a RuPaul vibe here! The song reminds me of a Britney track. The song is slightly weak for me but the video makes up for it as it's very glam and sexy. I couldn't remember the song...but I could tell you all about the video! lol! I give it 2/5 for song, 4/5 for video.
Mike: Ultra Nate called and wants her "Automatic" video back but I can't hate on Peppermint despite her ruthless swagga jacking. Any diva that spends her entire video groping a naked man is ok by me and I love that the song sounds like an En Vogue B-side from 1992. 5/5
Robpop: When I heard Naomi Campbell was releasing an album with Lenny Kravitz back in the heady days of the 1990's I thought she'd put out something like this. Despite being a tiny bit dated, this is not bad. Not overly brilliant. But good. 2.5/5
The Prophet: It's no "Tranny in the House" but it's still epically defining. I just wanna EAT that guys ASS like I'm MUNCHING on a giant slice of WATERMELON! Is that too vulgar? Whatever. 4.5/5
SINGLE OF THE WEEK
Susan Boyle – Perfect Day (below)
Susie covers Lou Reed.
D'Luv: I'd fuck her. 5/5
J-Step: Surprisingly enough, I like this. Anyone else see the parallels with Vanessa Amorosi's "Perfect"? Both in the name and video's sweeping pan shots... haha, love it! 4/5
Kelly Llorenna: After seeing her on Piers Morgan, I actually really like her now. I still prefer Lou Reed's version but this is not bad... got a Christmas vibe going on with the choir and bells and chimes in the background! lol. It reminds me of something Cliff Richard would bring out (as he normally does) for Christmas... I give it 2.5/5.
Mike: The arrangement is cute in a vomit inducing kind of way and there's no denying Susie's hypnotic sex appeal but I wish K Lo had recorded a stunning Hi-NRG cover version instead. "Perfect Day" needs Kelly's powerhouse vocals and legendary golden glow! Maybe next year? 3.5/5
Robpop: Actually, this is a beautiful arrangement. For sure, I have "issues" with the cover and the singer but putting those prejudices aside this is actually a rather stunning version. I like the way they've brought in strings. Something of which I have a huge weak spot for. Respect goes to covers which have re-worked it and brought out different aspects, narratives and emotions that weren't really there originally. 5/5
The Prophet: I LOVE Auntie Susie! I know Susie's turned this classic into an English Church hymn but I don't care. I even bought this single legally on iTunes. That Susie reign just won't let up! 5/5