D'Luv (US) writer of Chart Rigger and Idolator
J-Step (AUS) music industry insider
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog
Paul (UK) writer of Fizzy Pop
Robpop (UK) writer of Don't Stop The Pop
The Prophet (Aus) writer of The Prophet
And one amazing special guest!
Cameron Adams (Aus) - Cameron is well known to Australian pop fans as a card carrying member of Al Kylieda. He also writes the occasional article for the Herald Sun. I've been a fan for years and it's an honour to have him on my humble blog. Check out his best singles of the noughties list. Numbers one and five can not be denied!
As usual the songs are ranked from lowest to highest:
Juanjo Martin & Nalaya Brown ft Paris Hilton - SuperMartxé VIP (Video)
A true pop legend returns. To appear in a Spanish video clip.
Cameron Adams: Um, is this the worst thing Paris has done since the Good Charlotte bloke? At least she's not pretending to sing anymore. 2/5
D'Luv: Total scam. Paris doesn't even sing on this, does she? 0/5
J-Step: This generic track would not have even been looked at twice if a certain goddess was absent from the clip. Paris can do no wrong in my books. Oh, yeah, she can, by making me wait a frikkin eternity for a new album. Fuck this video appearance shit, Hilton, and give us all what we want, and SOON! 4/5
Mike: I think this is what heaven must be like - being fussed over by super hot servants, while Paris Hilton sprays the patio with Weed Kill. 3/5
Paul: Monstrosity - God they will love this at Bar Tubos in Gran Canaria. 2/5
Robpop: There are levels of scum. There are sub-scum levels. Beneath that lies this piece of shit. 0/5
The Prophet: This would get full marks if Paris' heavenly vocals appeared on the track, but since she's just in the video as window dressing, it gets a zero. I will not be teased and taunted into thinking Heidi Montag's holy predecessor is returning to pop only to be let down. 0/5
Miss Lady Pinks - Bitches (Video)
Grace and glamour has a new face.
Cameron Adams: Is this half of Mahogany? Babies got backs. And fronts. And faces like dropped pie. Poor bitches. Good beats tho'. 2/5
D'Luv: Heeeeeeeeeell yes. I don't know who these classy goddesses are, but I'm buying the box set. 5/5
J-Step: Mike, why the fuck did you do that to me? My psyche will never be the same again. This Pop Panel should come with a warning label. Someone alert the media - Shakaya have escaped from pop's Fucked Facility and are on the loose...again! 0/5
Mike: I'm more torn than Natalie Imbruglia. Miss Lady Pinks is clearly the hottest woman in pop but we're rating the music, not the visuals - so with a heavy heart and hard penis 2.5/5.
Paul: Christ. It's all reminiscent of something, but I'm not really sure what. It's not a good memory whatever it is. I do quite like the backing track and some of the comments about having a herpes outbreak on the singers face on the youtube video but that was about it. 1/5
Robpop: In UK, we used to have this show called Smack The Pony and it contained fake pop videos at the end of each episode. This is exactly like that. 0/5
The Prophet: She's so elegant; her evening dress is to die for. But, as glam as Miss Lady Pinks is, it's the eyebrows that really steal the show. We have those stunning little drawn on lines on Miss Lady Pinks, and then those big fat slugs on the tattooed brunette. MLP is clearly a powerful force in the eyebrow shaping industry. 5/5
Natalia – Liberate (Video)
Spain's "Britney" is making a comeback.
Cameron Adams: Spain's Britney or Spain's Amy Pearson? 1/5
D'Luv: How do you say STD in Spanish? 2/5
J-Step: Spain's Britney? Mike, you seriously need your head examined. A correlation to Beyonce would have been closer to the truth I think. SHIT, this actually scared me! 1.5/5
Mike: Absolutely stunning! I love the juxtaposition of a cheesy Euro-pop chorus with (bad) rapping and faux RedOne production. Natalia's comeback anthem is catchy as fuck and she looks like a drag queen's wet dream in that ridiculous bird dress. Bring on the album! 5/5
Paul: Oh. She's got some bargain basement red one wannabe doing the rap at the beginning. Was rap-goon for hire Pitbull not available?! There is some impressive body popping in the chorus on the video and despite not being able to differentiate the beat from a million other songs, I do quite like it. 3.5/5
Robpop: I saw this at Pride. The rapper doesn't even get her name right. How the mediocre have fallen into the gutter of total shit. Natalia used to be good. This will flop along with her last album. This is so shit it makes Die Antwood look like Mozart. And, it pains me to say that as I used to be a Natalia fan. She used to have producers like Xenomania on her albums. Utter shit. 0/5
The Prophet: Her hair is so large and luminous. Me likey. 3.5/5
Miley – Who Owns My Heart (Video)
Disney ho's latest European single.
Cameron Adams: Wowsa. The lyrics are so clunky that songwriting for Miley credit she has might actually be legit. "Who owns my heart? Is it love or is it art?" I kind of like American producers belatedly discovering Europop post-Gaga and her country twang sounds ok forcefed through Autotune. The chorus isn't bad. Miley's following a career trajectory a lot of stage-parent-pushed pop stars have when they try and upgrade to a demographic who shave; the songs get better (or less worse) the more no one is buying them. 2.5/5
D'Luv: Zzzzzzzzz. Wake me when the sex tape leaks, stripper. 2/5
J-Step: Now I can play Miley when I'm off my cunt! Love it!!! 5/5
Mike: Is there a dub? 0/5
Paul: When I see Miley nowadays I'm reminded of that scene in Mean Girls where Katy realises that Halloween for mean girls is dressing like a ho. Miley seems to have taken that to heart and certainly everday is halloween for her! I don't mind this as a song, it's quite decent and catchy. It kind of sounds like an updated club mix of an 80s S/A/W song. I still prefer "Two More Lonely People" though. 3.5/5
Robpop: Next. 0/5
The Prophet: Love this song, love the video, love the album, love the girl. I just need "Liberty Walk" to be a single and my life will be complete. 4.5/5
Tina Cousins – Sex On Fire (above)
The best cover version of all time finally has a video clip!
Cameron Adams: THINGS to note from the belated video to this so-misguided-it-almost-works cover. Tina now looks a bit like the blonde lady from the Human League. And as she's singing about "head while I'm driving" she's flicking herself off while watching some three-on-one fuckery in a cheap looking office. Forget Kings of Leon's version, this song was always screaming for a cheesy dance mix. 3/5
D'Luv: Why does Tina looks so pissed off every time the camera focuses on her face? Oh, right—because the camera is focusing on her face. Lighten up, though, Tina—YOU probably didn't have to watch this the whole way through like I just did. 2/5
J-Step: Tina will forever be the only woman in history to look 45 and rock it. Loved this when I first heard it. Kinda just seems redundant now. It's so time for a "Pray" re-release, though! 3.5/5
Mike: So Tina slips herself the finger while watching a couple of low rent gays fuck in a toilet? I think I've had this dream before... 5/5
Paul: Hasn't this been around forever? I saw her sing this two gay prides ago and remember thinking she had brilliant legs. It's definitely the type of song that deserves a pounding remix version of it and Tina does a bonza job of it. I've heard the original too many times and yet this version still gives me tingles. 4.5/5
Robpop: Awful. 0/5
The Prophet: This video should've been out like a year ago. Too little, too late. 2/5
Robyn – Indestructible (Video)
Swedish diva's latest flop.
Cameron Adams: The other electro pop chicks must be spewing everytime Robyn does something. She's fearless, she's got that Gaga streak where she'll do any weird shit in the name of art, without worrying about pesky things like vanity. This isn't her best single, but it's still unreal - love the drama in the chorus. Good to have a pop star who you're still excited about every new thing they release. 3.5/5
D'Luv: Not nearly as good as "Dancing On My Own" or "Hang With Me." Still better than than Katy Perry. 3/5
J-Step: Robyn has officially moved on from the cool, edgy bitch that actually sold more than 14 units. All hail, the Queen of Forgettable Trance! 2.5/5
Mike: This worked so much better as a ballad. The lyrics are lovely but it just doesn't translate into a dance anthem with the same ease as "Hang With Me". Poor Robyn. Remember when she wasn't completely shit? 2/5
Paul: I've been a bit of an anomaly really because I've been left cold where other bloggers have spaffed up their chuff over everything Robyn has released. I've quite liked her past couple of singles and started to be won over. This isn't as good as "Dancing On My Own" however, and doesn't seem to be much different from what she's done before. Sigh. 2.5/5
Robpop: This is not about videos. Right? I've never judged this on videos. Its always about the songs. If it was based the video I'd give robyn nowt. Its the worst thing she's ever put to film. Confluently, the song soars in amongst clouds of pop beauty. I like the fact she's returned to big bouncy anthemic choruses. Yum! 3/5
The Prophet: Incredible. It's a shame that Robyn's pop is too classy for Mike to appreciate :( He's been slumming it with GaGa and Beyonce for so long that he's forgotten what good pop sounds like. Don't worry Mike, I still have faith in you! Come towards Robyn's holy light... 4.5/5
Nelly Furtado – Night Is Young (Video)
From Nelly's soon to be released GH compilation.
Cameron Adams: Hmm. It's OK. Sounds exactly like what it is, stop-gap new song on a singles album. At least there's no Timbaland in earshot. Most interesting thing is working out if she's singing "we wanna baby" or "we want a baby." 2.5/5
D'Luv: This song is okay. I don't know. It seems like it would have been more exciting maybe, say, three or four years ago. But now everyone and their mother is doing music like this. Needs more Miss Lady Pinks. 3/5
J-Step: Love this bitch, but just can't come around to liking this. The song's boring, the video's lifeless and together the whole package borders on fucking annoying. 2/5
Mike: I'm biased. Nelly could sing the Delta Goodrem songbook and I'd still buy it. 4.5/5
Paul: Whoa Nelly. You need to take tips from P!nk on how to do an entirely exciting greatest hits song. You say you want to be frozen in time in the lyrics and it seems that you are with this tune. So passe and dull. And once again, another song with an indistinguishable beat this week. Hardly as exciting as Maneater. 2/5
Robpop: This feels slightly disjointed. Some singers just can't really do pop. I can see Cascada do this. Heck, i can hear the old Natalia do this. Nelly just seems 2 be going through the motions. Nice enough though. 3/5
The Prophet: I started off being underwhelmed by this song, but now I absolutely love it. Nelly can do no wrong. 5/5
SINGLE OF THE WEEK
Third single from Katy's album.
Cameron Adams: KT's oh-so-live attempt at singing this on the UK X Factor (the one people watch) has replaced Stephanie McIntosh on the Footy Show as the clip to watch when in need of a quick laugh. Irony overload on the keep-it-real-cancer-kids-and-tubby-girls-and-gay-boys-have-feelings-too video from a woman who trowls on more make up than any pop star I've ever interviewed. This is actually her second good pop song in a row, a personal best for her. Is `Do you ever feel like a plastic bag' the worst first line of the year? 3.5/5
D'Luv: I'm so bored with this broad and her Jesus tits. 2/5
J-Step: I docked half a point for the stupid purple streak at the "boom, boom, boom" moment. You think this is all class until then. I guess the try-hard Perry trash had to manifest itself somewhere. I was just hoping it would've been on the next video, so we could have one untainted by filth commercialism. Hey, a bitch can dream (teenage style)! 4.5/5
Mike: Fuck off, Katy haters! The fourth lady of American pop (after Bey, Ke$ha and Kaci) is on a tear at the moment. The singles from "American Dream" have been flawless and that streak continues with "Firework". I HATE the video - which offensively equates fat people and homosexuals with cancer patients and victims of domestic violence! - but formulaic American pop doesn't come much better. 5/5
Paul: Meh. It's ok. I'm still in a mood that she didn't release Peacock. 3/5
Robpop: I deeply dislike this woman. I have invested money in her albums and she has delivered very little. In the sense, the way she sings grates on me. But the songs are pretty good. Mainly this one. Surprisingly okay. 3.5/5
The Prophet: So fucking over Katy Perry right now, but hating on her makes me feel like some fickle flip-flopping Queen, so I'm gonna give it a nice score just so I don't feel like a cunt. 4/5