1. A guy who wants to know if you're a top or a bottom before asking your name is probably not interested in a long term relationship.
2. You're unlikely to meet the man of your dreams in a sauna, sex club or beat. Just saying.
3. When using the internet or Grindr to find a man please remember that:
Mates or dates = Looking for cock
Versatile = Bottom
Stocky = Fat
Down to earth = Ugly
Straight acting = Anything from Adam Levine and Adam Lambert
Discreet = Married
4. Invade his privacy if you suspect he's a player. I recommend rifling through drawers, hacking into his email account and looking through text messages when he's on the toilet.
5. If his favourite singers are Cher and Bette Midler, chances are he's not really 29.
6. A jealous fag hag will ruin your life. Run for the hills if feel like you've wandered on the set of Will & Grace.
7. Lower your standards. These are desperate times and you can always turn off the lights or hire a stylist.
8. Try to maintain the illusion that you're not a complete whore for at least the first few weeks.
9. Take off your beer/ecstasy/GHB goggles before getting on Twitter and announcing that you've found Mr Right because you're probably going to wake up next to someone who looks like Steve Buscemi.
10. Nothing says desperate stalker quite like updating your Facebook status to 'in a relationship' after the first date.
Taio Cruz - in the presence of greatness