Tuesday, August 24, 2010

10 Gay Date Commandments & Am8er's Stunning Video

Sorry about the lack of updates lately but I spent the weekend stalking Luciana. More about that very soon - including details of her collaboration with a certain Girls Aloud member and another Kylie exclusive - but I can't resist the urge to post Am8er's long awaited "10 Date Commandments" video. The controversial diva has caused quite a stir over the past couple of months but she is having the last laugh. Her sexy collab with Lil' Kim is taking off on radio and she just played a showcase with Taio Cruz (pic below). Anyway, the video is great. Am8er finally leaves her signature colourful K-mart t-shirts on the dressing room floor and embraces a classy new image, while still staying true to her 'look'. Kim can't match her in the glamour stakes but I love her nasty bumping and grinding. With any luck Am8er's smash will rocket to #1 and put all the H8TRZ in check! The video/radio version is also a lot more palatable to pop fans than the hot remix doing the rounds, so check it out. Now, to celebrate the release of this new urban classic, I've decided to whip up my very own 10 Date Commandments for desperate homosexuals. If you follow these you'll probably still be sad and lonely but they should at least help you weed out the time wasters. Sit down and take notes!

1. A guy who wants to know if you're a top or a bottom before asking your name is probably not interested in a long term relationship.

2. You're unlikely to meet the man of your dreams in a sauna, sex club or beat. Just saying.

3. When using the internet or Grindr to find a man please remember that:

Mates or dates = Looking for cock
Versatile = Bottom
Stocky = Fat
Down to earth = Ugly
Straight acting = Anything from Adam Levine and Adam Lambert
Discreet = Married

4. Invade his privacy if you suspect he's a player. I recommend rifling through drawers, hacking into his email account and looking through text messages when he's on the toilet.

5. If his favourite singers are Cher and Bette Midler, chances are he's not really 29.

6. A jealous fag hag will ruin your life. Run for the hills if feel like you've wandered on the set of Will & Grace.

7. Lower your standards. These are desperate times and you can always turn off the lights or hire a stylist.

8. Try to maintain the illusion that you're not a complete whore for at least the first few weeks.

9. Take off your beer/ecstasy/GHB goggles before getting on Twitter and announcing that you've found Mr Right because you're probably going to wake up next to someone who looks like Steve Buscemi.

10. Nothing says desperate stalker quite like updating your Facebook status to 'in a relationship' after the first date.

Taio Cruz - in the presence of greatness

9 comments:

The Prophet said...

AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!

Instead of wasting space on this.... thing, you should be gushing over Britney's edgy new Pop magazine shoot!

Matt said...

LMFAO!

is this advice from personal experience mike?

Poster Girl said...

I've been wondering what your reaction would be to Luciana working with Sarah...seems like it could be a good match, considering Sarah is probably a bit overly fond of shouty vocals (and seems to more interested in rock than the other girls)--Luciana creates songs where that kind of singing actually works and knows how to make songs with a punky attitude.

Anonymous said...

Ur funny but @m8er still sux!

Anonymous said...

Defamer's review:

http://www.defamer.com.au/2010/08/m8er-feat-lil-kim-10-date-commandments/

MR. WILL-W. said...

OMG. Good God. What happened to inspire this post? LOL

Mike said...

Poster Girl - I know they are getting along like a house on fire. So fingers crossed!

Will W - Personal experience, doll!

Anonymous said...

Enter the am8er competition to win heaps of cool prizes and for your chance to win a call from am8er herself! http://am8er.com/bts

Scott said...

So Kim really will do anything for cash. Self respect-wise, she would have been better off giving blowies in the 7-Eleven car park.