Sunday, June 27, 2010

Pop Panel - Week 9 - Trash Special

Before we get started I really need to apologise for the song selection. I had a pretty awful week and tried to cheer myself up by overdosing on the trashiest pop music in my collection. It worked a treat but kind of spilled over into Pop Panel. So if nude models, Eurotrash divas and J Pop sluts don't float your boat - please don't waste your time reading any further because that's just the tip of the iceberg! I probably should be embarrassed but I love the dirty underbelly of pop and think most of these tunes are better than half the shit clogging up the charts. Take our winner. You won't find that kind of refined talent and exquisite beauty on the top 40! The followed judges were cruelly subjected to my trash fetish:

D'Luv (US) writer of Chart Rigger and Idolator
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog
Paul (UK) writer of Fizzy Pop
The Prophet (Aus) writer of The Prophet
Rob (UK) writer of Don't Stop The Pop

And

Nasty G (Canada) writer of the much loved Isle Of Deserted Pop Stars and its underappreciated sister blog Lost Pop Treasures. Anyone who has had the pleasure of reading either of those exquisite sites will know that Nasty G is the perfect guest judge for trash week!

As usual the songs are ranked from lowest to highest.

Eliza Doolittle – Pack Up (Video)

The UK's latest 'it' girl unveils her new single.

D'Luv: Not really my thing. I want to say, “Sorry, hon — Amy Winehouse, Adele, Duffy, VV Brown, Pixie Lott, Janelle Monae and Nikki & Rich want their vaginas back,” but Eliza is charming enough. 2/5
Mike: I usually hate these retro wannabes but there's something genuinely unaffected and uplifting about this cute tune. Eliza > Duffy... which isn't really saying much. 3.5/5
Nasty G: The sound of yet another cipher fucking Amy Winehouse's corpse for a contact high. Enough already. Bleh. 1/5
Paul: Oh she's so classy and elegant and relevant and just trying to hard to be cool isn't she? Ignore all of that annoyingness and I really do like the song where I didn't want to. I mean there are a million other girls singing this type of tune but I like the juxtaposition of the blokey sung chorus. She'll probably do a Cilmi and go disco pop for her next album. Can't wait! 4/5
Rob: I want to like this. But I kinda feel the Motown/cockney thing has already been explored by Lily and of course Amy. Miss Doolittle, me thinks you've missed the boat. I also feel Paloma Faith does this sort of thing but a lot better. Cute video though. I want to be on that beach. 3/5
The Prophet: Cute, but at this point in time I'm not in the mood for another one of these dime a dozen guirky UK 'it' girls. 0/5
Total: 13.5/30

Selena Gomez & The Sound – Round & Round (Video)

Disney Queen follows up the surprisingly fun "Naturally".

D'Luv: Not nearly as awesome as “Naturally” — which was my total jam of Spring 2010 — but it still has a charm to it. And by that I mean I played it twice last Monday and will probably never return to it again. I’m glad Selena isn’t stripping off and wearing bird feathers in her videos (yet) like some other slutbags out there, at least. 3/5
Mike: It's no "Naturally" but if the silly bitch keeps this up, I'm gonna have to buy her fucking album. Rude. 2.5/5
Nasty G: My brain says no. My booty says otherwise. This is everything I loathe, yet everything I love. "Naturally" was painfully good, and this keeps the teen girl in me satisfied. 3.5/5
Paul: Sigh. "Naturally" was genius. This just isn't as good and I don't have the patience for it. It's like when I've had the pleasure moment in the sack and then they want to snuggle. "Naturally" was the pleasure moment; this is the snuggle. I just want to roll over and go to sleep thank you. 2/5
Rob: The problem with this is that nearly any singer could have of sung this. Its digested everything poptastic of the last 3 yeas with the amazing ability to capitalise on all the boring bits of each great pop song released recently. Making this this an epic mountain of tepidness. 0/5
The Prophet: I see that Selena has decided to emulate the iconic Hilary Duff by copying the "With Love" music video. It's so great when today's young stars to take inspiration from the legends who paved the way for them! 4/5
Total: 15/30

Joel Evan - Storm (Video)

And the award for the best marketing strategy ever goes to this stunning vocalist. Joel hopes to further his music career by flashing his cock on as many gay porn websites as possible. Bless.

D'Luv: Mike, where the FUCK do you find this stuff? 0/5
Mike: I really hope this nude marketing fad takes off. Quick, someone call Jack Peñate's A&R! The song itself is... interesting. Sure, the chorus makes me want to stab my ears with the nearest sharp object but I've heard a lot worse. Wash off the guy-liner and keep flashin' that cock, Joel. 5/5
Nasty G: And here I thought that the sublime artistry of The London Boys was lost forever! Thank you Joel (or the steroidal ghost of Sylvester Stallone's much more talented brother Frank) for making an old queen cry tears (or whatever bodily fluid that 'rain' is in the video) of joy! I will indeed take you up on your offer and take shelter under your over-developed pecs, or nose, or penis. 4/5
Paul: Oh Jesus Christ, you are fucking kidding me. 0/5 and if I can deduct points that other people may give him, I would!
Rob: Technically, the vocal in the verses are 'presentable' and then something seriously goes odd during the chorus. It goes all deep. How will he be the shelter from the storm exactly? Do his enlarged muscles and willy act as a conductors for the lightening? He doesn't explain. Sadly. Is this actually a song about death and electrocution? I need to know. 2/5
The Prophet: The song is WRETCHED. Like, below zero. But, he has a huge cock, so I'm willing to overlook it. 4/5 (for size of his prize).
Total: 15/30

Danielle DeLaite – Nothing To Wear (below)

This stunning Australian diva describes her music as a mixture between Kylie and Janet - with a splash of J Lo. No, seriously.

D'Luv: She might have opted to so a little smoke and mirrors with her unfortunate face by having Joel Evans’ cock shoved down her throat in the video. Just a suggestion. The song’s a snooze. 1/5
Grant: Now I know what that coworker who eats Ramen noodles for lunch every day and goes home to her cats every night does in her spare time. This exists solely to prove what a creative genius Rachel Stevens is. 2/5
Mike: Danielle is Australia's gift to the world. Unfortunately, we have a no returns policy. 5/5
Paul: No no no. It does not look good to me. It does not make your body look sexy. All the video screams is that she enjoys lying in the wet patch. And that is what this single is - an unwelcome and uncomfortable wet patch of a tune. 1/5
Rob: At least this has personality. I give it a bonus point for the massive hair. 1/5
The Prophet: This is so embarrassing. I'd give it a five for being so tragic, but Kumi and Nadine already filled up the trash quota for this week. I'm really stuck between a rock and a hard place. God, Cher's mermaid wig and the knock-off designer bag in the sand is just too stunning to penalize. 5/5
Total: 15/30

Kumi Koda – Lollipop (Video)

Um, I don't think this J Pop superstar is actually singing about candy....

D'Luv: Five points for the hot, tacky video, minus two for the dated song that sounds like Britney B-side from 2003. 3/5
Mike: Oh look, Britney is now officially redundant. 5/5
Grant: Usually J-pop turns my stomach, so I have to thank Kumi for finally helping me empty it. The only track I ever got into was her duet with pee-stained leatherface Fergie, and that was only after many cocktails. More inane J-Pop. Hoo-ray. But she gets an extra point for saying 'booty' repeatedly. 2/5
Paul: I've been pronouncing her name as Cummy all week which is probably wrong but oh so appropriate for this song. It's dead tinny, casio produced nonsense, but I do enjoy a slutty undertone and she rode that horse hard and good in the video so I'll double her score. 2/5
Rob: Hey girl its 2010. Not 2001. Incredibly numb-inducing. 0/5
The Prophet: If Lil' Wayne's 'Lollipop' was his penis, then I'm assuming that Kumi's must be her clitoris. When is someone going to lick my lollipop? 4.5/5
Total: 16.5/30

Susanna Kay – Off The Hook

Holland's classiest pop diva! (Video)

D'Luv: She’d look so pretty with parts of her strewn throughout the trunk of my car. 4/5
Mike: Someone finally had the decency to give Portia de Rossi a record deal! Apart from being a dead ringer for Australia's most famous lesbian, Susanna knows how to knock out a catchy pop tune. I love this trash and the video is a drag queen's wet dream. Delicious. 4.5/5
Nasty G: Take the talent, personality and beauty of Kylie, Gaga and Madge (well, circa 1990), mix it in a blender with some Cream Of Wheat and one of Elin Lanto's rejects, then dilute it with a gallon of water, and this is what you get. So innocuous that I can't help but give it a decent score. 3/5
Paul: I really liked Holland the few times I've been. It was all hookers touching themselves in shop windows and lovely architecture. This is pretty similar to that - it mixes trashy elements with solidly classic sing a long chorus. It would be nice if she found her own identity instead of trying to be Pink meets Gaga meets Katy Perry but it's only single one so she gets 3/5.
Rob: The Edurne original is a lot better. I give it low scores because I love Spanish pop princess Edurne and I don't love this Lady GaGa rip off. 0/5
The Prophet: Oh another RedOne B-side. It is kinda catchy though. 2/5
Total: 16.5/30

Scarlett Belle – Closure (Video)

Two failed Aus/Pop Idol rejects join forces to create Australia's newest girlband.

D'Luv: See, this is what The Saturdays need to do — cut away the chaff (i.e. all members but Frankie and, uh, one of those other ones with cheap London tits) — and just have a pair warble their formulaic jams. Don’t dislike this. For some reason kind of reminds me of Jordin Sparks’ “Tattoo”? 2.5/5
Mike: Tamara will never top the breathtaking awfulness of her solo smash "Ooh Ahh" but this is surprisingly inoffensive if you don't watch the so wrong it verges on criminal video. The B-side ("Girl That Weeps") is also worth hunting down. 3.5/5
Nasty G: I guess that I should drag that Scandal'Us CD out of the litter box it is lining if this is what it hath wrought! During our weekly (drunken) video session, this randomly came on, and my man pricked up his ears, which is notable because usually he's left lifeless from the barrage of offensive girly pop I subject him to. The words "This reminds me of Brit & Alex" ensured that this would forever be in heavy rotation. 4/5
Paul: Hmmm, it's like some dance remix of a Ryan Tedder song; big crashing drums, fairly singable chorus. It's not the most horrible tune I've heard all week but that's hardly a glowing compliment is it? I think there is a vague charm about it so I'm awarding it an average 3/5.
Rob: I like this despite the fact that the "its over" refrain is incredibly boring. Again, points knocked off for those Lady GaGa/Rihanna caste-offs. 2/5
The Prophet: Keri Hilson called - She wants her flop back. 2/5
Total: 17/30

SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Nadine Sutherland – Cougar (below)

Can we all just call this masterpiece the winner and be done?

D'Luv: Bow down to Nadine’s wig and hail the cougar! My favorite part is when she’s in the blue outfit gyrating in front of the Mercedes. Total WIN! Sade wishes she were this classy. 5/5
Grant: Indisputable proof that the cougar is the most fearsome - and sexy - carnivore in the animal kingdom. And that Rick James' weave didn't die with him. Mama is hotter than a hot flash! And I'm proud to say that I am undoubtably the only bitch on the pop panel who already owns one of her CDs, which likely came from the delete bin that the Scandal'Us CD came from, but still... 5/5
Mike: I wonder if Kylie's Botox dealer blasts this stunning anthem from his back alley clinic to drum up business. 5/5
Paul: Just imagine, for one millisecond, that this was actually the comeback song for faded 80s teen idol Debbie Gibson! How amazing would that be (who also has a song out called "Cougar"!) Anyway, there is something both grotesquely hideous about this but like seeing a sad old man in a ford focus pick up an ageing prostitute on the side of the road, you can't really not pay attention. It's bad-good. 4/5
Rob: This is shit. 0/5
The Prophet: The mi-goren noodle hair sealed the deal for me. 5/5
Total: 24/30

13 comments:

tommie said...

Cougar is hot.

I haven't actually heard a single one of the tracks this week.

tommie said...

By the way - how long until Joel/"Jet" goes into gay porn?

Moogaboo said...

Trash cornucopia this week! Even though Joel Evan suffers from that typical gay male Porn pop syndrome -- singing extra-deep so as not to sound like the Mary he is -- he's at least talented enough to flash some cock. If only Adam Rickitt had been so brave! Also, I love Scarlett Belle's egg chairs, and I'm pretty sure that video was taped in a Cleveland Pier 1.

Nasty G said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nasty G said...

Thanks for posting my actual name on some of my reviews, Mike. I will now be hunted down by J-pop freaks! LOL

Paul said...

i still think Deb Gibson's COugar is the best of the lot :P

Jump! said...

I looked at that pic of Joel Evan and was surprised to see he shops Target for his Mossimo polos.

D'luv said...

So glad I suggested a winner to you! Viva la "Cougar"!

Shane said...

I hate how Tamara Jaber's Ooh Ahh video clip isn't on youtube. I need to perve on the sexy male dancer that was in the clip. Yum.
Susanna Kay's song is great, hope it does well!

tommie said...

The Danielle song really sounds like PCD's "Don't Need A Man" in the verses.

Anonymous said...

just when i thought this blog couldnt sink any lower....

RV said...

I don't know about Joel but I liek the song/Josh Harris mix and he's got a gorgeous chest & abs but the face & hair doesn't really match : he's gotta find a new look ...and about his voice, sometimes it sounds right, sometimes not really, like a Pete Burns under prozac... but I can't help but love it and I've download it off cdbaby :(
other wonderful singles of the week for me are Debbie's "Cougar" : can't wait to hear it in full glory plus the aussie Belles : Their song is pure anthem ! I want a full album of that ! And finally Suanna Kay si good too.
BUT I CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY This jamaican rappin' piece of shit of Cougar has come to finish single of the weeks ...or shall I inverse the notes ?

the writer said...

These Pop Panels make me want to partipate in one of them!