Sunday, June 20, 2010

Pop Panel 2010 - Week 8

Hmmm. I can't believe I'm upset about this week's outcome. The winner is genuinely amazing but I feel that the runner-up is the defining anthem of our time and will be looked back on in years to come as one of the greatest collaborations of the noughties. Oh well, at least my favourite Mexican pop tart almost scored a massive upset with her stunning tune and it's good to see the world's second worst girlband get the trashing they deserve. However, one thing that annoys me is when a song gets an unwarranted beat down just because it's popular. You'll know what I mean. Anyway, I love more than half of tonight's songs - which has to be some kind of record! Here are this week's judges:

D'Luv (US) writer of Chart Rigger and Idolator
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog
Paul (UK) writer of Fizzy Pop
The Prophet (Aus) writer of The Prophet
Rob (UK) writer of Don't Stop The Pop.


Tommie (Sweden) who has no qualifications at all apart from being my only stan.

As usual, the results are ranked from lowest to highest.

Candy Rock – I’m Not In Love (Video)

The UK's latest girlband has a very unfortunate looking lead singer.

D'Luv: So, they’re basically wrangling in any back-alley Croydon hooker for girl bands these days? 0/5
Mike: They make City Girls look like the original Sugababes. 0/5
Paul: The girls have their lipstick setting on 'whore' in the video and will this succeed where the infinitely better Mini Viva have failed? I think, upon reflection, emphatically no! I couldn't even work out a tune in this... 1/5
Rob: Brilliant video. But lame song. Actually scrap that. The song isn't too bad. But the finished product is terrible. This is like an unfinished demo. Yikes. 2/5
The Prophet: Oh look, it's the new JLS video. 0/5
Tommie: Despite looking like Dana International times 3, I can't help liking the song. It'll probably not dent the chart, but nice to see some good girl group pop from the UK. 3/5
Total: 6/30

Katy Perry ft. Snoop Dog – Caifornia Gurls (Video)

Already a #1 smash. Everywhere.

D'Luv: I liked this the first time I heard it about two months ago. But now it makes me want to take one of those whipped cream cans jutting out from Katy’s tits and cram it in her fucking mouth. Oh well — we’ll all laugh in the end when Russell Brand’s wang finally rots off and gets lost up her taco swamp. Ta dah! 1/5
Mike: Say what you like about Katy Perry. In the space of 3 years she's moved from Christian music to faux rock and now urban flavoured pure pop. "California Gurls" isn't as amazing as "Hot N Cold" or "Waking Up In Vegas" but it's pretty much irresistible despite the formulaic chorus and ultra cheesy lyrics. However, I'm taking off one point because the delicious video is wreaking havoc with my no solids diet! 4/5
Paul: First of all I hate the spelling of 'gurls'. I know that seems a bit churlish but I find it so irritating. Perhaps some people can pull that off, but it's a very small minority and Katy isn't one of them. I've always been a bit hot and cold with Katy and this is pleasant enough, but it's hardly the most progressive pop song in the world. In fact, it's annoying me, I'm turning it off (grumpy cunt!!) 2/5
Rob: I seriously wanted to dislike this but like the flu it takes over you. Thank the amazing video and Dr.Luke's wonderful production for that. And the fact that this is Ke$ha's Tik Tok albeit with different lyrics. 3.5/5
The Prophet: I would give Katy's sticky & sweet candyland adventure a full score, but since she stole this song from Queen Ke$ha, I have to give her a slight markdown. 4.5/5
Tommie: I already heard this before and it was called "Tik Tok". Nobody puts the drunken skank in the corner! 0/5
Total: 15/30

Kat Deluna Ft Akon – Push Push (Video)

Queen Kat is finally back!

D'Luv: This sounds like the kind of tripe that would have fit in on Sugababe’s Sweet 7 floptastrophe. NEXT. 1.5/5
Mike: So fucking good! This is one of my favourite songs of the year. The chorus is fire and I love the trashy Akon rap. I'm so glad Kat has her swag back even if I think it's going to flop harder than her last half dozen "hits". 5/5
Paul: Oh I was surprised by how much I really liked this. It's quite good fun with a filthy little chorus that I really enjoyed. I really liked the music behind the vocal too and it was all quite good. 4/5
Rob: Kat does her best Rihanna impression and instead ends up like a cheap Javine. 2/5
The Prophet: I'm Kat Deluna's only fan but this is my least favorite single of hers - ever. It sounds like a RedOne B-side. 3.5/5
Tommie: Oh Skat, er, Kat. This just won't do it for you honey. 2/5
Total: 18/30

Bailey Tzuke – Strong (Video)

Kylie's favourite new artist unleashes her first solo single.

D'Luv: Pretty solid jam. Beautiful video. Really digging this broad, even though it sounds like she swallowed Ellie Goulding’s fish trough. 4/5
Mike: Am I listening to the same song? This just sounds like something Sarah McLachlan excreted in 1997 set to a cheap electronic backing track. Kylie should spend her time promoting real talent like Jennifer Rush. 0/5
Paul: Adore. Amazing voice, gorgeously emotive song, dramatic production. What's not to like? And she got tweeted by Kylie Minogue! So much more than just the vocalist on the freemasons hit. Plus the packaging for this single is brilliant. 5/5
Rob: Pure class. This drips brilliance. It refuses to fall into genre. It refuses to be average. This is raises the standard. A gem amongst the stars. 5/5
The Prophet: This would sound better if it was DANNII'S new fave and not her less relevant sisters. 3/5
Tommie: Oh Kylie. This is why you don't get to pick material for your albums. 2/5
Total: 19/30

Adam Lambert – If I Had You (Video)

Glambert ropes in Max Martin for his 3rd single.

D'Luv: Screw Katy Pussy — THIS is a real Max Martin jam. I’ve been a late passenger on the Adam Lambert train, but his past two singles (this and “Whataya Want From Me”) have really grown on me. Fingers crossed that it at least charts at #97 in the U.S.! 4/5
Mike: Um, this totally rips off Kelly Clarkson's vastly superior "If I Can't Have You". Which isn't necessarily a bad thing but hardly revolutionary. 2/5
Paul: Definitely one of the stronger tracks from his album. Indeed, he has the rather good trick of being able to release a song that - after a few spins - ends up trumping the single before it. It's basically a guy sung version of "Since U Been Gone", much like Backstreet Boys' "Larger Than Life" to Britney's "You Drive Me Crazy". And there's nothing wrong with that... 3.5/5
Rob: Put Pink and Tokio Hotel in one act and you've got Adam Lambert. This girl is on fire and I respect that. It's not unique or as groundbreaking it thinks it is. Will become background music in Target in 12 months time if it hasn't already. 3/5
The Prophet: I love Glambert and I used to have frequent fantasies about him fucking my brains out, but then when I discovered he was a natural red head I just couldn't do it anymore. I still love the music though. 4.5/5
Tommie: I thought "Whataya Want From Me" was a hit? Clearly it has not affected his promotional budget, as this video does show. Still, decent tune that should be a minor hit for him. 3/5
Total: 20/30

Anahí - Me Hipnotizas (Video)

Mexico's Queen of Pop ups the ante with this stunning blockbuster.

D'Luv: Why do I have a feeling Anahi fucked EVERY extra in this video—including the tree? 2/5
Mike: Genius. What a song! What a video! I swear Mexico is my spiritual home. When is a rich Mexican going to sweep me off my feet so I can listen to this kind of trash on the radio all day while drinking tequila shots and watching bad telenovelas on mute? I'm waiting... 5/5
Paul: It's very catchy isn't it? Not sure why she is wandering around Pandora in the video, but it's irrelevant really. I have no idea what the song is about but that tin pot rhythm, wafer thin vocals and deliriously delightful chorus have me hooked for a few minutes at least. 3.5/5
Rob: I woulda gone with a different song from her amazing album but I suppose she has to make herself distinct from Gloria Trevi: the real Mexican Queen of Pop. I think Thalia has covered this sound before but good on Anahi for pushing it forward. Bonus points for a random-as-fuck-but-fab video. 4/5
The Prophet: This video is defining! 3/5
Tommie: Oh I really like it, but it reminds me of another song. Still, it's all good. 4/5
Total: 21.5/30

Memphis Blac feat. Smokahontas Jones - Got Dat Work (Video)

Visual and aural Viagra!

D'Luv: Mom?!? 5/5
Mike: Genuinely catchy and possibly the most quotable song of all time. For example: "You can call me MILF Diddy", "You wanna lay me baby, well you gonna have to pay me" and my personal fave "I'm in the cockpit chewin' on the pilot's dick"! Modern art. 5/5
Paul: Dear god. words absolutely fail me. But I know I couldn't get the shower hot enough after watching this. SHUDDER. 1/5
Rob: I love the condom necklace. Where can I get one of those? 2/5
The Prophet: Absolutely I-C-O-N-I-C. I never thought anybody would be able to snatch Queen Khia's crown, but if anybody can it's Memphis Blac and Smokahontas Jones! 5/5
Tommie: Finally, an anthem for all us cheap prostitutes trying to earn a honest living. 5/5
Total: 23/30


Kelis – 4th of July (Video)

The second single from "Flesh Tone".

D'Luv: Yes, yes, yes. Shooting bottle rockets out of my pants on the 4th of July for this hot bitch’s latest album. 5/5
Mike: The video is boring by Kelis' usually high standards but this is the standout track from her bizarrely overhyped album. I love the production and gorgeous chorus. The Calvin Harris remix is also a winner. 5/5
Paul: D'Luv got me totally hooked on "Acapella" and the album, and I do love a calendar-correct themed release, so I was quite excited by this sparse but percussive groove. It totally gets in your head after a couple of plays in an insiduous way. Though nothing stops me wanting to shout "I HATE YOU SO MUCH RIGHT NOW" everytime I play any of her tunes. 3.5/5
Rob: Overhyped. Overdried. Overboard. Over it. 2/5
The Prophet: Kelis >>> ya faves. 4.5/5
Tommie: Kelis is possibly the most underrated woman in pop (after La Toya) and she doesn't dissapoint on her second single lifted from "Flesh Tone" (OUT NOW!). Anthemic and uplifting. 5/5
Total: 25/30


D'luv said...

FUCK THIS SHIT! Smokahontas and Memphis Blac (let's put the stars in the PROPER billing order, shall we?) were ROBBED!!!!

And Smokahontas went so hard in that video, she makes makes the other 7 amateur artists on the panel this week look like Ciara's wig tangled in a meat grinder!

Mike, isn't Memphis Blac saying "Memph Diddy"? Either way, his arms are amazing!

Oh, and get over me dissing Katy Pussy's (s)hit. Smokahontas is gonna sit on Katy's whipped cream canz and crush that bitch!!!


tommie said...

LMAO! Am I the only one that liked Candy Rock's song? I guess having to put up with Girls Aloud, "the all-new" Sugababes and The Saturdays lowered my standards for girl group pop.

I now have to go watch "Got That Work" again.

John said...

After watching the Memphis Blac video, I'm pretty sure I should swing by the free clinic. Better safe than infested.

Seán said...

I really do not like 4th Of July (Fireworks), I find it amazingly dull after Acapella.

daniel said...

the chorus in kelis's song is BEYOND grating. compared to acapella, it sucks. btw the prophet's sexual fantasy about adam lambert is LOLs! ;)

Paul said...

go back and listen to Strong by Bailey (perhaps the dance mixes will sway you)!! tsk, mike - it's ace. but not poptrashtastic!

Me said...

SMELLis wins?!? With a track that makes AcaSMELLa sound good?!? What have the panel been snorting?!? That saggy titted trollop hasn't had a decent track since she whimpered about the apparently amazing technique she used for wanking off her ex husband - and it can't have been that god otherwise he wouldn't have divorced the fanny farting stinking bint!

Bailey is fabulous!

Anonymous said...

whats with the kelis hate?!

love the song and album

Mike said...

That Bailey song is shit. I'm sorry but I tried. It just sounds like every other emotive singer-songwriter who spent the 90s listening to too much Tori Amos and Kate Bush. Next!

I agree that Smokahontas was ROBBED. Seriously, that song is so defining. I can't stop watching the video. And I hope it is "Milf Diddy" (because that's just too funny) but "Memph Diddy" is amazing too.

And Tommie - Those Candy Rock hos are VILE.

Prophet said...

Smokahontas was robbed, but Kelis is amazing so it's OK.

the writer said...

Reading your Pop Panels makes me want to participate in one of them!

Me said...

I think Bailey's voice is amasing, I bought her single "uninvited" its was great, the new song is great but the chorus should have been better it doesnt sound like a hit... Anyway the video is beautiful remind me of "my all" by Mariaaah back in the days. The new Kelis album is also amazing she's creative and not copying Gaga like other desperate singers!