Sunday, June 13, 2010

Pop Panel 2010 - Week 7

Sometimes the Pop Panel is about as enjoyable as explosive diarrhea or Christina Aguilera's latest album. The damn thing takes ages to put together and it's not easy to constantly unearth trashtastic gems of this lofty calibre! However, tonight's Panel was one of the fun ones. It's great to have a couple of old friends return to the fold and the song selection was interesting to say the least. There's some commercial pop, low brow trash and even - dare I say it - a touch of class. The result is a bit of shock and, in retrospect, maybe a draw would have been a fairer outcome but tough shit. Here are the judges/Cody hating bitches responsible for our shock winner:

D'Luv (US) writer of Chart Rigger and Idolator
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog
Paul (UK) writer of Fizzy Pop
The Prophet (Aus) writer of The Prophet

I'm also happy to welcome two of my favourite bloggers back to the Pop Panel:

Rob (UK) of the legendary Don't Stop The Pop.


MuuMuse (US) of MuuMuse fame.

Both have been sorely missed! As usual songs are ranked from lowest to highest.

Cody Simpson ft. Flo Rida – iYiYi (Video)

Australia's answer to Justin Bieber appears to have a hit on his hands.

D'Luv: Whoever this little girl is, she should know that Flo Rida rapping “I-yi-yi can’t get enough of kissing you” at the beginning of the song is just downright creepy, in a pedo kind of way. Annoyingly, I find myself not hating this after a couple listens. Hopefully Cody makes enough cash off this to buy herself a nice pair of tits by the time she turns 16. 2/5
Mike: The greatest male talent to emerge from our shores since Peter Andre! If this was released by someone with pubic hair - all you bitches would be lapping it up. Sad haters! 4/5
MuuMuse: You know, I always hoped that a bubbly prepubescent Australian would re-release Keri Hilson's "Knock You Down." "When you're thinking of me, text 1-4-3, that means I love you, girl." Swooning all over the place. 1/5
Paul: Oh just fuck right off. 0/5
Rob: Remember that crevice of scum that is so dirty even cockroaches would turn their heads in disgust i mentioned in relation to "My First Kiss". This is even worst than that. This is more toxic than the insides contained in the sarcophagus of Chernobyl. 0/5
The Prophet: I don't care about Bieber AT ALL and I've only heard his songs by mistake, but this Cody kid is so lame for trying to jack his swag. Stupid thieving flop! Bieber does songs with Ludacris, Cody does songs with Flo-Rida. See the difference? 0/5
Total: 7/30

3OH!3 ft Ke$ha – My First Kiss (Video)

Queen of pop returns with another collaboration.

D'Luv: This should have been way more exciting. Then again, that would require the absence of 3OH!3. The only reason "My First Kiss" didn’t get a zero is because Ke$ha’s angelic vocals appear on this waste of anybody’s three minutes. 1.5/5
Mike: Hmmm. I like it. Ke$ha brings her own unique brand of class and dignity to the proceedings and the chorus is catchy. Not bad. 3/5
MuuMuse: This sounds just like their other single, "Don't Trust Me." Except with herpes. 2/5
Paul: Dreadful. Ke$ha sounds bored, probably because she only earnt the dollar in her name for contributing to this atrocious mess. When did it become ok to make shouty pop with no regard for melody or tune? Or has it always been that way? I feel like I have an inner ear infection and that this malady is affecting how this comes across but no - it's just shit. 1/5
Rob: I like Ke$ha. I hate this. Reminds me of the scum you see collecting around the crevices of the gutter. Utter bollocks. 0/5
The Prophet: I absolutely despise these losers 3OH!3, but Queen Ke$ha's presence can turn any trash into treasure! 3/5
Total: 10.5/30

Vengaboys & Perez Hilton – Rocket To Uranus (Video)

Title says it all really.

D'Luv: I never thought I’d see the day when I’d suddenly regard Vengaboys past “work” as brilliant (by comparison). 0/5
Mike: 2000's "The Platinum Album" is a pop trash masterpiece that I still occasionally drag out to annoy those around me but their comeback is horribly contrived. I have my fingers crossed this is a hit (in Mongolia or Ethiopia) because I know they can do better and want another album of high camp fabulousness. 2/5
MuuMuse: It's tough...the makers of "We Like To Party," coupled with Perez Hilton? It hurts me. A lot. Best when served pre-21st century. 3/5
Paul: I feel slightly nauseous at this cheap gimmicky song both aurally and visually. Mainly because I take great pains to avoid that Perez Hilton character and seeing him pop up on the screen and in the song made my kidneys somersault with hideousity. This makes me long for simpler times when the vengabus was in town and it wasn't all cheap sex gags. This makes Carry On films look like masters of subtlety and class. 2/5
Rob: At least this song strives to be something the likes of Blake have forgotten when producing pop: fun! & the song is actually trying its best. And pop is often said to be about fun. But the fun in "Rocket To Uranus" is very forced. Could do better Vengaboys. You know you can. Look at Alcazar and learn. 2/5
The Prophet: Anything with that cunt Perez Hilton automatically gets a ZERO, but since this is about anal sex and Pete Burns is in the video then it HAS to get a FIVE. 5/5
Total: 14/30

Rima S – Love To Love You Baby (below)

Asian's second hottest tranny (after La Chiquitta) releases her debut single.

D'Luv: In all seriousness, this isn’t a bad arrangement! If only Lady Gaga’s video was remotely this much fun. The very essence of pop trash. 3/5
Mike: Nothing gets me going quite like a fat tranny! 5/5
MuuMuse: Well, I guess this is the first song that does make a case for over-the-top AutoTune usage. The video is clearly lifting from Lady Gaga. 0.5/5
Paul: What a brilliant name. I assume it refers to a particular tongue based skill the singer has. Pity she hasn't applied that skill to singing in any way shape or form, because she manages to make this song sound particularly sexless. Honestly Doris Day seems like she'd be a better seductress at this point. She needs to take some hints from Holestar! 1/5
Rob: Bollocks. You see this is where her Spanish rival succeeds so well. La Prohibida takes songs to the next level. This is nothing but drivel that refuses to be sexy. Seriously failure for the original was viagra on acid. Nice sample of "I Feel Love" though. For this it gets 2/5.
The Prophet: Oh look, that fat cow Beyonce has released yet another music video. It's actually the best thing she's done in years though! 4/5
Total: 15.5/30

The Wanted – All Time Low (Video)

UK's newest and sexiest boyband.

D'Luv: This decade’s V. 2/5
Mike: The song is utter rubbish but the guy with the shaved head and stubble gives me wood, so I'm giving it a generous 1/5.
MuuMuse: I'm aroused. 5/5
Paul: Grown up pop sound akin to Take That? Check. Muted colour scheme that is complementary of each other yet doesn't quite match? Check. Parade of sexy boys who look like they know all 21 positions in a one night stand? Check. The tune is quite smart and catchy, so it would be nice to have a boyband to rival JLS new vocoderrific sound. I particularly like the bit at 2 mins 10 where it all goes a bit rave a la JLS "One Shot". 3.5/5
Rob: Musically sounds a bit like what the singer Tyler James might be releasing if he was still signed to a label. I am seriously not sure what to make of this. So I'll give it the benefit of the doubt. 3/5
The Prophet: Please throw out the two ugly ones, then turn this video into a bukkake session featuring me as the main star. I'll give them a point for each hot member. 3/5
Total: 17.5/30

Blake McGrath – The Night (Only Place To Go) (Video)

One of Britney's dancers launches a pop career.

D'Luv: There are better things Blake should be doing with his mouth than singing. 1/5
Mike: How embarrassing for Britney that her backing dancers have more charisma and vocal ability than she does. Anyway, I love this in a white Taio Cruz for the gay crowd kind of way. The video is also surprisingly effective if you ignore the scene at 1:40 mins where Blake dances in a dress. WTF? 4/5
MuuMuse: Oh, Blake. My sexy, scrumptious, Britney back-up dancing Blake. How I love thee. This song works for him, and I have a feeling he might actually make something of himself in the dance community. Just don't stop dancing, boy. 4.5/5
Paul: It's quite intriguing, slick and sleek boy pop and I always appreciate that. The video is bizarre but the choreography is decent. It's more of a grower than a bam-spaff-in-your-face-instant-classic but after a few listens it's hard to shake from your brain. 3/5
Rob: Another singer that has his voice autotuned within a inch of its life. Come on popstars, have some emotion in your voice. Once more with feeling, please. This is boring boring boring. 0/5
The Prophet: I absolutely LOVE this song! The song sounds current, but the vibe reminds me of like really late 90's/early 2000's. Also, the video is incredible. 5/5
Total: 17.5/30

Lady Gaga – Alejandro (Video)

The 3rd single from "The Fame Monster".

D'Luv: There are many things going on here, and I feel like this is a turning point in this broad’s career. On one hand, this was one of my favorite songs off The Fame Monster when it came out. And I still wasn’t sick of it all these months later — until the dreary video came out. Lady Gaga used to be a good time, but now she just seems depressed, lonely and alienated from the notion that at least some of the time pop should be fun. Anyway, fair’s fair, and my score is based on the song itself. 4/5
Mike: What D'Luv said. Musically, Gaga is yet to put a foot wrong but image-wise... I think she may have finally jumped the shark. 4.5/5
MuuMuse: It's just refreshing to see that a quality pop act like Ace of Base were able to make a comeback in a very natural way. And what's more, I can't believe Madonna agreed to guest star in their video for the track. A true pop phenomenon! 4/5
Paul: It seems futile to resist G'Gah any longer, but yet I continue to do so. Something about her irritates me both irrationally and incessantly. Some of her music is quite smart though and this is up with her best. It's a touch of Abba with a heavy helping of La Isla Bonita and a generous dollop of Wheel of Fortune/Ace of Base. For that reason, some clever lyrical bits and a chorus that won't quit it gets 4/5.
Rob: I am going to put aside all her smokes and mirrors. This includes the video. Stripping it down to the song itself. Nothing more and nothing less. Ace of Base mashed up with Ute Lemper and Madonna. This emerges into one of the finest records Lady GaGa has ever made. 4/5
The Prophet: The song isn't as good as the video, but it's catchy. Really though, anything is better than "Telephone". 4/5
Total: 24.5/30


Morcheeba – Even Though (below)

90s icons return with the first single from their 7th album.

D'Luv: Beautiful song. Beautiful video. Good luck coming up with a visual this classy for “iYiYi,” Cody Simpson! 4/5
Mike: Sublime. It reminds me of smoking pot to the glorious strains of "Big Calm" in my best friend's garage circa 1998. As you can tell, I was an extremely adventurous foetus! I'm so happy Skye re-joined the band. Her voice is the heart and soul of Morcheeba and "Even Though" is a warm embrace of a song that should be shared with your man, lady, beloved pet or favourite fuck buddy. 5/5
MuuMuse: This is quite lush. I've always respected a woman who can carry a tune... underwater. 4/5
Paul: It's all very pleasant and lovely isn't it? She has such a charming vocal style and everything about the tune is ethereal and relaxing to the point of almost not happening for me. But it exudes such a delightful aura that I can't help but be smitten. 3.5/5
Rob: Gorgeous. I've been playing this all weekend. The video is simple and divine. Thank you Morcheeba. No stupid diversions. No gimmicks. Just very good music. Very good music. 5/5
The Prophet: Stunning! I love the red water! 3.5/5
Total: 25/30


Me said...

Pauls comment on Flo Ridah is the true winner!

I can't believe Pete Burns has lowered himself to appear in a video by an ethnically cleansed Vengaboys...

Did you know that "Britney Dancer" Blake actually first found (non)fame in that show about aspiring dancers by the stunning bouricuan beauty La Lopez? And was putting his chipolata in the yorkshire pudding of one of the original Pissy Flap Hoez? And is the (first) annoying attention whoring twat in Nelly's Promiscuous video? Ha!

Craig said...

i love codys song!

Mike said...

Great to see so much interest this week - LOL!

I like that Cody song too and who knew Blake got around so much. I'm just shocked he's not gay.

John said...

I don't have one stand-out song this week, but there is a lot of crap up in here. That Vengaboys video reminds me of a Frankenstein monster created from aborted fetuses...dead on arrival. But who knew Pete had such amazing acting chops?

Anonymous said...

blake is sex on legs! shame about the song tho.

D'luv said...

I'm with Anonymous. Blake is nice to look at, but should be using his mouth, as I said, for better things.

Morcheeba was a nice wrench to wrangle the top spot away from Gaga. She needs to go away for a spell.

Matt said...

How did gaga not win? so rigged!

Paul said...

AleJandro is one of 3 G'Gah songs that I actively love so to have it not win is a proper kick in the knickers. Bah. That is why i held off commenting for so long. I had to get over the grief :P

Nasty G said...

Blake was on So You Think You Can Dance first. And he IS gay, well, "bi", which means he really is gay. ;)

"McGrath doesn’t shy away from talking about the duality of his sex life. “I’ve been attracted to men and attracted to women,” he explains. “My feelings change all the time. One day I can feel like I’m gay, another day like I’m straight. But I’m not just one or the other, I’m Blake McGrath and I’m attracted to somebody on the inside. I don’t want to look for love in half the world. Sexuality has nothing to do with how well you do in the dance industry at all. All the most amazing choreographers are gay; it’s the dance industry, everybody’s a little gay."

Mike said...

Blake being gay is probably the least surprising news of the year. Well after discovering that Sue Sylvester from Glee was a dyke in real life!