Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Toni Braxton Vs Dulta

This week saw the release of Toni Braxton's 6th studio album "Pulse". And to my great surprise - given the dubious singles - it's a rather lovely return to form. I'll get around to reviewing it eventually but I can no longer restrain myself from commenting on her potentially career ending decision to cover a Delta Goodrem track. Seriously, was the Pia Zadora back catalogue too expensive? Admittedly, "Woman" isn't the worst song Dulta has ever recorded - probably because she didn't write it. Which means there are no bad metaphors or "inspirational" lyrics about overcoming obstacles in order to live your dreams. In fact, it's quite pretty but I still think the track should be gathering dust on 2007's biggest international flop. Toni's reputation has been tarnished by association. I guess it's not her fault. A superstar of her stature can't be expected to know every Z grade vocalist in the music industry but it is embarrassing and raises the question of who did it better.

If it took you longer than five seconds to shout TONI BRAXTON then click on the little red cross on the top of the page and fuck off. There hasn't been a debate this redundant since the time that sad Janatic otherwise known as The Prophet had the nerve to maintain that La Toya isn't the most talented Jackson. Whatever! Toni has this in a first round KO. First of all, she can actually sing. That gloriously deep voice is a thing of beauty and her pipes are still smoother than Kylie's forehead. The less glamorous Braxton injects "Woman" with some much needed soul and emotion. Dulta's decade of after school singing lessons can't compete against raw natural talent. Then there's the fact that the lyrics actually suit a lady of a certain vintage. I know it's hard to believe that Toni is a day over 25 given her flawless complexion and endless sex appeal but she's almost twice Dulta's age and that brings a certain gravitas to the proceedings. I believe her pain. She has decades of failed relationships to draw from. Last but not least is the production. Toni's version is slick yet soulful. The original, by comparison, sounds like it was recorded on the lap top Dulta bought for half price at Bing Lee's last clearance sale. We have a winner!

Listen to Toni's stunning rendition HERE

Check out Dulta's aural turd HERE

If you're stone deaf or just deluded, here are 5 more irrefutable reasons why Toni Braxton is better than Dulta:

1. Toni only sounds like she has a dick in her mouth when she sings.
2. Ms Braxton has never been penetrated by Brian McFadden. To my knowledge.
3. She is related to this heavenly goddess:


For more info on angelic Tamar read this post


4. The diva managed to sell more than 40 million albums and still go bankrupt.
5. Toni has had at least one less nose job than Dulta. Proof below.

THE END

15 comments:

Sean said...

Oh my God, Mike, I laughed so hard through all that article. I love it when you blast Delta and Brian McFadden like that.

Jafet M. Denegri said...

Mike you really hate Delta jajaja, but i like some Brian, i think he's sexy!!!

tommie said...

Is there really any point in arguing? It's obvious that Toni's the one legendary one while Dullta is just famous for being an aDULLtaress!

Anonymous said...

Delta <3

I always refer to this as Delta's PMS song. It's the worst song on Delta's album.

Can't wait for album #4.

- Petro

Anonymous said...

please review ALL THE LOVERS!!!
desperate to read it x

undisco_me said...

Dullard Goodrimmer - even cancer didn't make her interesting. I can't wait for Kerry Katona to make her music comeback (oh yes, it's happening).

Toni's album is solid if a little dull in places, she's been whoring herself on UK daytime TV so much so that her album skidmarked our charts inside the top 30 (she handles herself so well, she's a proper star). It's also a relief that a diva from the 90s still has her voice that isn't shot to peices.

Sean said...

Kerry Katona returning to music? Oooh that is tragic - she's obviously struggling to pay the bills.

Maybe herself, Pudgy McFadden and Dulta could do a collaboration. That would be a blast!

John said...

You know where I'm at...Toni FTMFW.

Seth said...

You gotta love Toni Braxton's beautiful outfit on the picture you posted, pure and absolute class!.

btw when are you going to review all the loevrs mike? =(

Calen said...

"Woman" is my favorite track on Toni's new album, and I am SO glad some else has recognized how excellent it is. Delta's version was so bad, and I had no idea having someone else sing it would make it so much better. Mad props to Toni. She truly is a legend.

Mike said...

LOL - that's Toni's sister Tamar in the blue outfit. She's a legend in her own right!

Sorry about my All The Lovers review. It is on the way. I just want to live with the song for a couple of days so I can be more objective.

And yes, it's amazing the difference a great voice and genuine charisma can make to an otherwise average song!

Guy said...

Can I just say I'm shocked by that outfit. It seems strangely medical...

Me said...

It seems you can indeed polish a turd! But it is still a crap song and Toni with explosive dire rear after a steaming hot vindaloo washed down by a 6 pack of Carling Export would sound better than the a-DULLta-erous SLUT!

ANd whoever it is thinks that the VILE pie eater McFatten is sexy is clearly an escapee from teh local mental hospital and needs to be readmitted and have their dose upped stat!

Anonymous said...

Love the photoshop job at the top, you could have airbrushed Toni's cellulite out though...

And I'm pretty sure Delta actually had TWO nose jobs in between the "Mistaken Identity" and "Delta" albums....

Anonymous said...

LOL.
Rhinoplasty or Proactive?