Sunday, May 16, 2010

Pop Panel 2010 - Week 3

The last Pop Panel was always going to be hard to top - a musical genius like Ayna only comes along once a lifetime - but I've given it my best shot. This week's line up includes two trashy girlbands, a desperate teen queen, Mexican royalty and a bunch of art rockers. Beyjesus even makes an appearance. All hail! The votes were unusually close with only two and a half points separating first from sixth place. My favourite didn't win but I'm reasonably happy with the result. The most exciting thing about this week is our fabulous celebrity guest judge but more about her in a second. First I'd better introduce the Panel. The usual hos are back:

D'Luv (US) writer of Chart Rigger and Idolator
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog
Paul (UK) writer of Fizzy Pop
The Prophet (Aus) writer of The Prophet

And we were also joined by the following guest judges:

Hidroboy (Spain) writer of Estoy Bailando and DJ extraordinaire.

Will W (Canada) writer of Mr. Will-W.:Pop Maven and all round media whore.

And now for our celebrity guest!

Unless you're a Pop Trash newcomer, you'll be familiar with Kyrah. "Uh Oh" is my unofficial anthem and I've featured her on the site almost as often as Kylie and Luciana. It turns out she's also a very good sport. Despite being mercilessly trashed on last week's Pop Panel, Kyrah kindly accepted my invitation to turn the tables and do some judging of her own. Before we get on with that, I thought I'd ask the budding diva a couple of probing questions!

Hi Kyrah! Thanks so much for joining us this week. Now tell me, when was the last time you woke up naked and thought 'oops I'm wasted'?
I can't actually remember because I'm usually still so drunk, it's all a blur. I only get flashbacks in pieces!

Been there, done that! So, a lot of people are comparing you to Ke$ha. Is she an inspiration?
Um not an inspiration no... I do like to shower and brush my hair. I actually hadn't heard her music (besides the Flo Rida song) till after I had written my single and some of my album. People just like to compare us since we are both blonde and kind of strange. It's all in the production and that style is just hot right now. But hey she had a smash hit so I don't mind being compared!

Did you ever think you'd spend most of your debut video dancing on the toilet?
Haha! I love bathrooms there is something super sexy about them especially dirty, old ones where you know naughty things have happened.

What's next for Kyrah? Are you working on an album? Will you be doing live shows?
I am working on the album and I will be doing shows and festivals this year! Hopefully my next single will be out soon after "Uh Oh". I just need to have a few more nights out so I can be inspired LOL!

I featured "Uh Oh" (below) on last week's Pop Panel and some of the low class haters dissed you. Paul said "I feel like I've gotten herpes just listening to it", Joe called you "the poor man's Ke$ha" and D'Luv defamed your chest by saying "she doesn't even have good tits". How do you respond?
I would say that I am way classier than that, more like a rich man's Ke$ha! If you got herpes listening to it that sucks since now you won't get much action! As for the tits - at least they are real! For now anyways!

As usual the results are ranked from lowest to highest.

Josh – That Sounds Good To Me (Video)

This year's UK Eurovision entry was penned by two thirds of SAW.

D'Luv: If Mike Stock and Pete Waterman had gone for more of a Sybil "When I'm Good And Ready" vibe than this schlocky Eurovision-worthy cheese jam, it would have been more commendable. Alas, this is what we have to deal with, so let's get on with it. "That Sounds Good To Me" is better than the Sheilas, at least. And it kind of sounds less tacky with each listen. But how many people will give it enough spins (or do enough shots) for it to truly seep in? I'm guessing: nil. But for me: 3/5
Hidroboy: After 10 seconds I already hated him. It's like a bad Modern Talking demo with cheesy lyrics. And the video has been shot in a bathroom with some sequins, dumb special effects and his cousin's Webcam. 0.5/5
Kyrah: I have no words... is this the best they could do? Shame. 1/5
Mike: Great name. Shame about everything else. 0/5
Paul: Love this. I can see why people think that this is not the best representation of British pop in Eurovision because it isn't. Still the backlash is unfair - it's not like he raped a puppy. This is actually a rather charming tune and kind of gives you the insight into what One True Voice would have sounded like had they not disbanded... plus he has such lustrous locks. I want to finger them. 4/5
The Prophet: Douche alert! Is this for real? I should have fun with this and just take it with a grain of salt, but I just can't.... 0/5
Will W: There is nothing remotely heterosexual about this video or track at all. It's a reminder of why SAW might best be remembered for their contributions to music in 1988 and why it might not work again with today's evolved tastes. 1/5
Total: 9.5/35

Miley Cyrus – Can't Be Tamed (Video)

Miley's inevitable whore makeover is upon us.

D'Luv: This could grow on me if I ever get completely hammered enough. It's not as immediately catchy as "Party In The USA" or "See You Again," but I'm giving it an extra half point for that Miley lap dance video that did the rounds this week. 2.5/5
Hidroboy: To quote Zombieland: "She's only famous with her wig on". I love the "Aves Cyrus" name, because I always call her "Miley Saurus". However, the Alvin and the Chimpmunks song is horrible and those lyrics plus the Night At The Museum theme do not help. 1/5
Kyrah: Her transition from Disney princess into pop royalty could have gone very wrong but Miley somehow got it right. Cool song and fantastic video. Am I allowed to say she looks hot? How old is she? 4/5
Mike: Can't be bothered. 0/5
Paul: The verses are rather good. The whore makeover is alarmingly good. It's just the non-existant chorus that lets her down. Still I've heard a lot worse and I do have a soft spot for Miley. I am assuming her next album will be some heavy thrash metal project that reflects the real her? 2.5/5
The Prophet: Miley's cool but she's no Hilary Duff. 3/5
Will W: "Can’t Be Tamed" has amazing production from Armato, James and Shanks but it lacks a real hook and melody to achieve what Britney has already. I love Miley Cyrus. I admit it. But like everybody else, I’m confused. Is she pop, country or rock? Hurry up and figure it out. 3/5
Total: 16/35

Paulina Rubio – Algo De Ti (Video)

Everyone's favourite border girl is back!

D'Luv: You might think this is some Tijuana rent boy in drag covering a Christina Aguilera B-side, but no — it's just Paulina Rubio! And guess what? This song blows! Still, she probably has just as nice of a pussy as she did 10 years ago. 2/5
Hidroboy: It's probably the only Paulina song I've ever liked. What a friend and I call "Drama-synth". But she's dumb and posing like a whore in the video just ruins it. 3.5/5
Kyrah: Always been a fan and she looks stunning. I paid more attention to her than the song! The track is good but there is nothing special about it. Fun pop song. 3/5
Mike: It's a sad day when Lorena Herrera has a bigger budget to work with than Paulina Rubio. Seriously, did she just edit a bunch of her sex tapes together to create this visual masterpiece? The song is ok but I expect more from Mexico's favourite daughter. Time for another English language album, Pau. 3/5
Paul: It's so sultry and seductive that I kind of wanted to bed her there and then. So that's quite the accomplishment! Her voice is like a siren's call, but a siren with a naughty wink and a bit of rohypnol in her flask. 3.5/5
The Prophet: I love Paulina, she's always such a dirty prostitute! Just looking at her makes me feel like I'm going to catch some type of sexually transmitted disease. And I mean that in the good way. 4/5
Will W: I want those LED Wall Panels (2:35) and I nominate them as the official furniture pieces of The Pop Panel. They would look amazing in my living room. I'm just not a fan of Rubio's vocals nor is there anything memorable about this track. 1.5/5
Total: 20.5/35

Beyoncé – Why Don’t You Love Me? (Video)

The 9th (!!) single from "Sasha Fierce".

D'Luv: Nice to see Lady Gaga's video aesthetic has seeped into Beyonce's consciousness now that they bumped clams in "Telephone." The song is okay, but we didn't really need another single from this broad's album. Sorry, Bey. 2.5/5
Hidroboy: It starts like a prequel to Gaga’s "Telephone" and ends up being a nice Dreamgirls deleted scene. The song is quite good, considering the crap this girl usually delivers. 9 singles? I won’t buy “The Singles Collection”... that’s for sure. 3/5
Kyrah: Love love love the video. She's such a diva! I'm a huge fan but the song doesn't do it for me. 9th single... that may be milking it a bit too much! 3/5
Mike: The world's biggest star continues to elevate pop music to dizzying new heights with her sublime tunes and iconic video clips. Beyoncé is so far ahead of the game at the moment, it's almost embarrassing. 5/5
Paul: I thought only members of the Jackson clan could get away with releasing an arrogant number of singles from one album, but no Beyonce feels she is in that club too - and from an album that has been released about 5 times already! It's ok, but I'm bored of Sasha Fierce. Time to move on. 2/5
The Prophet: Even though this lying snake released this video to take attention away from Kelly Rowland's "Commander", it's still one of the best things to come off her I Am Not Fierce album. 3.5/5
Will W: This track's video looks like a pastiche of costume test shots for "Telephone". I love you Beyoncé but it's time to go away for a while. There is nothing remarkable or single-worthy about this track. You look hot and yes, I totally would if I could and I wanted to and of course you wanted to. 2/5
Total: 21/35

Millionaires – Stay The Night (above)

America's latest contribution to modern culture.

D'Luv: Lots of love for these truck stop hookers. Clueless dolls—constantly dissing Ke$ha (including ejecting the guy wearing one of the blonde pop ho's T-shirts from their party in the video), yet "Stay The Night" is almost a note-for-note copy of "TiK ToK." It's also got elements of Madonna's "Holiday." Super fun trash. 4/5
Hidroboy: It's great when your parents go out for the weekend and you invite some gay friends over to shoot a clip. I love the Ke$ha spoof and I'm ignoring the fact that the whole song is a Ke$ha rip-off. 1.5/5
Kyrah: There is pop trash and then just trash and I'm not sure which way this goes. A bit too cheesy for me. They look like rejects from The Hills. 2/5
Mike: These girls really do appeal to the lowest common denominator. Which is probably why I love them. I just wish Australia had its own skank-pop girlband. Can't someone round up a couple of Supré clad moles from Penrith? 4/5
Paul: Oh it's all jolly good slutty fun isn't it! Touch me up touch me down - that just reeks of finishing school upbringing! I can't help but like this though, they are like the Spice Girls before they came back with "Headlines". I look forward to their inaugaral debut tour, no doubt to be titled Herpes or something equally delightful. 3/5
The Prophet: I can't decide which "Holiday" rip off I prefer more - Jessica Simpson's "A Public Affair" or this. Whatever, they're both amazing. 5/5
Will W: I love this video because: 1. The Hair bow (1:31) 2. Simulated Gang Rape (1:37) 3. Boobs being thrust in my face whether I like it or not (0:10) 4. Phallic Imagery (2:30) and 4. A complex revenge plot brewing involving extortion of the rapists via photographic evidence (3:07). It's like The Accused, Gaga, Kill Bill and the life story of David Letterman. A culturally significant masterpiece which will stand the test of time. 2/5
Total: 21.5/35

Ou Est Le Swimming Pool – Dance The Way I Feel (Video)

The UK electro outfit has scored a surprise Australian hit with this anthem.

D'Luv: These guys look like this decade's Frankie Goes To Hollywood, and seem to have about as much talent. Despite that, I'd probably put it in all three of them. Oh, am I supposed to comment on the song or something? It's alright enough. 3/5
Hidroboy: It's a pity about the Miami Vice styling because at least one of them could be my husband. The song is an electro-pop anthem about expressing feelings through dancing. I just have to love it. 4/5
Kyrah: Holy 80's flashback! I like it, very nostalgic. The video is a miss though. 3/5
Mike: As Kyrah points out, the video is an embarrassment but the song is brilliant. Slick production + a killer chorus = one of 2010's hottest dance tracks. 4.5/5
Paul: I do like a chanted chorus in a song. Mika, Chumbawamba. And now these dudes. The trick is to still keep the melody in tact and not make it too shouty. And they've managed to pull that off. It's rather moreish too so perhaps their Australian success will wing it's way across to England. 3.5/5
The Prophet: The beginning of this song made me think it was amazing, but by the end I was already over it. 2/5
Will W: "Dance The Way I Feel" is good for what it is, but if this were released in the era it pays tribute to, it would not stand out. Regarding the video, there is way too much going on here and I would love to see an '80s homage video filmed actually in cassette for real authenticity. 2/5
Total: 22/35

Cassette Kids – Spin (Video)

Australia's coolest kids are finally making some inroads on the charts with this catchy jam.

D'Luv: Oh, great—more emotionally-damaged art school sophomores who sucked off the right sleazebag to get a record deal. 0/5
Hidroboy: I don't understand the Star Wars extras all over the clip and I need to see the next chapter (that cliffhanger is too much), but the song is great and has an Amazing chorus. 3/5
Kyrah: Great catchy, fun pop track. What's up with all the strange characters in the video though? I think I saw Darth Vader in there somewhere! 4/5
Mike: I used to think these guys were a massive a wank but "Spin" is a revelation, striking the perfect balance between alternative edginess and commercial pop. And that chorus is truly immense. 4.5/5
Paul: I really like this. It's catchy. It's memorable. It's cool enough that I look like I'm down with the kids after declaring my unabashed love for Josh Dubovie. Vair good indeedio. 4/5
The Prophet: Yay for Australia! 4/5
Will W: The production and music are intricately layered and I really like the vocals. Even though it's clear they didn't have the most generous budget for this video, it is done effectively and fits exactly where they are going with their music. Cassette Kids take themselves more seriously than they really need to, but well done. 3/5
Total: 22.5/35


Girlicious – Maniac (below)

Canada's favourite girlband unveil their latest "hit".

D'Luv: Lest anyone think this U.S. born slut troupe are Canadian, they're not—they just had to go to Canada to have a hit. (How did Japan miss out on this magic?) Anyway, "Maniac" is run-of-the-mill garbage. And didn't one of the original members quit already, after one album? Who cares. It's shit! 0.5/5
Hidroboy: I don't care that they shot the clip in a warehouse. The song is catchy and they all look drunk. Perfect. 4/5
Kyrah: These girls are super hot and can dance their asses off but they have never quite made the hit they need. This track is good but not amazing. I will definitely watch this video again though, so hot! 3/5
Mike: Why have these hot bitches been exiled to Canada while Nicole Flopzinger and her backing dancers are free to continue their reign of terror? "Maniac" isn't particularly original but it's catchy and I have a soft spot for drug runners. 4/5
Paul: So nice they still have time to make records inbetween being picked up for *alleged* cocaine possession. And thank god they do, because I was ready to hate this but actually I really like it. It's very dance and should be massive in the clubs. The middle 8 is a bit weird though so I've knocked off a point for that!! 4/5
The Prophet: I'm just going to give these desperate flops a full score in hopes that they'll win the pop panel and will get a little taste of success before their label drops them. I'm too nice for my own good sometimes. 5/5
Will W: I'm so happy to see The Pussycat Dolls are back together again! Jokes aside, Girlicious are immensely talented. I do love looking at beautiful women and tight choreography, but I still haven't quite pin-pointed what it is about them or this track that doesn't make me love them more. All the ingredients are there, but why does it still taste so bland? 2.5/5
Total: 23/35


D'luv said...

Crap week. I love Kyrah, though. She should give up music, though, and just become a permanent panel judge.

And Paul, I wouldn't keep declaring you want to sex Josh Dubovie -- he's not exactly the best-looking 14-year-old, now is he?


John said...

Agree with Robbie that it's a weak week, but how did Millionaires end up so high on the list? Jersey girls do Ke$ha? You only have to go to the mall to see that.

Jump! said...

Drinking, spin the bottle, and sex with questionable looking guys? MIILLIONAIRES "stay the night" is my life story! ANTHEM ALERT!

D'luv said...

John, they're actually Orange County girls from California -- even classier!

tommie said...

Oh, I just fell a little bit in love with Kyrah. She seems funny and nice!

The Prophet said...

Dead @ BeYawnce being "the worlds biggest pop star" when Lady GaGa is far more popular, and Britney's "3" shot straight to number one with no promo breaking digital sales and chart records.

daniel said...


tommie said...

The Prophet - I Mike's brain is posioned with Beyawnce's propaganda! Hopefully my beloved Solo-Angel will show him the way to redemption though.

D'luv said...

Tommie, enough about that hanger-on Solyawnge!!! She can put her tongue up Beyawnce and drop.

tidusin said...

I love the Miley Saurus (lol) track! and Girlicious are my rolemodel in life, specially after that infamous Sexy Bitch cover...

Matthew said...

I think Girlicious epitomises pop trash. Any video that features a woman wearing heels on a gyno chair stirrups is amazing. Promoting womens health while looking fabulous. I also like the fact that they claim the water/rain scene was their idea. Classy. I've only really heard about them since moving to Toronto.

The Beyonce video is probably now the only video/song I enjoy from this era. It brought a fun, flirty aspect to her "Sasha Fierce" alter ego who I felt like was some c*** with an unhealthy obsession with monochrome and having a matching pair of backup dancers.

The Cassette Kids reminded me of home. The video feels like an aussie indie version of "Bittersweet"

Anonymous said...

Is kyrah a lesbian?

Mike said...

LOL - not that I know of but Kyrah did seem very taken with Miley's video! I loved her comments. She's cool.

As for all the Beyhaters, I know it burns that she's so much better (not to mention so much more successful) than your second rate faves but get over it. All that jealousy can't be healthy.

I can't really choose between Girlicious and Millionaires. I like them both for different reasons. The former for their underworld connection, the latter for the sheer desperation. However, I think "Spin" was hardly done by. That's a really good song and I like the video.

Mr. Will-W. said...

hahaha thanxxx for having me Mike. was fun.

B-Town seriously needs to go away for a while. This is coming from a loving fan.

Miley Saurus. OMG :p

Paul said...

two weeks where i mention Herpes? What ever happened to good old Syphillis?! Shame on me :)

Thanks for embarrassing me in front of Kyrah :) Now we will never hang out :/ !!

I stand by my Josh love btw. I have to be totally out of sync with the panel on at least one song a week it seems :)

Kyrah said...

Im don't think I'm a lesbian... hmm I just like to look at girls..

Don't worry Paul I forgive easily we can still hang out:)

tommie said...

D'Luv is just bitter because my sweet and pure Solo-Angel laughed at his micropenis.

Craig said...

Kyrah whens ur song out? Love u!

Nasty G said...

Well, I personally think this is one of the better weeks, at least from Millionaires to the top. Both the Girlicious and Millionaires vids have been played non-stop at my place the last couple weeks (though Millionaires' "Just Got Paid Let's Get Laid" is much fiercer...) As have Cassette Kids and Ou Est Le Swimming Pool to a lesser extent. But as much as I'm glad Girlicious finally has a decent song and vid, I cringe at the references to Canada! They have NEVER had a hit here aside from on Muchmusic, and that's only because that station will starfuck anyone from the States who has a pulse and lacks success (plus they paid big $ to air their reality show so the girls sold their soul to a crappy music station that panders to drunk, whorey preteens... Seriously.)

Paul said...

i now utterly love Kyrah. I'm so easily bought and persuaded. Call me!

RV said...

I can't understand Girlicious' 1000th version of "maniac" gets song oft he week but I discovered "Stay the night" and "can't eb tamed" and I loved them both a lot.
Poor Josh : didn't this video version different with higher chorus line and more female backing vocals than original eurovision CD version ?
I still don't know which oen is best though :)