D'Luv (US) writer of Chart Rigger and Idolator
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog
Paul (UK) writer of Fizzy Pop
The Prophet (Aus) writer of The Prophet
I was also lucky enough to snare the services of the following guest judges:
Joe (US) writer of the amazing Milk Carton Pop Stars
Tommie (Sweden) who used to update Donna Martin Graduates every blue moon but is now better known as my favourite stalker.
As usual, the results are ranked from lowest to highest. Before we get stuck into it, I'd like to congratulate the lovely Tony Tornado on his marriage to Jose Luis. Save some cake for me!
Kyrah – Uh Oh (Video)
This stunning anthem is set to conquer the UK on the 28th of June.
D'Luv: I understand that the full $7.50 it cost to record this song was likely eaten up by Kyrah's addiction to vanilla frapuccinos, but did they really have to cast the 43-year-old janitor from the local bingo hall as her love interest in the video? Not much else to say about this [insert name of any five current pop starlets] knock off. She doesn't even have good tits. 0/5
Joe: The poor man's Ke$ha has unleashed her debut single. I really, really want to like this. Really I do. But I'm finding it a little uninspiring. 2/5
Mike: You're all fired! Next week I'm stacking the Panel with a higher class of homosexual. "Uh Oh" transcends pop music to become modern day poetry. If Shakespeare were alive he'd probably be the head of Kyrah's fanclub. Sad H8TRS! 5/5
Paul: Oooh the sound of nu-skank and I like it. Like Ke$ha there's something utterly repugnant about Kyrah's music and yet that is what makes it so more-ish. She clearly has gone for that Ke$ha sound and works it well. Great chorus, I feel like I've gotten herpes just listening to it though. 3/5
The Prophet: I liked this briefly for the trash factor, but time moves fast in the world of pop and now I'm more pre-occupied in the latest Ke$ha TiK ToK rip-off "Stay The Night" by Millionaires, so this song has become redundant for me. 1/5
Tommie: Oh Kyrah. She's too pretty for this song really, even if I enjoy the over-the-top skankiness of the track. 3/5
Christina Aguilera - Not Myself Tonight (Video)
Someone is clearly still a little dirrty....
D'Luv: Don't own a single Christina Aguilera album, and wasn't really expecting much from this new single. But it's steadily grown on me over the past month. The video is a wreck the likes of which hasn't been witnessed since Khia last took three guys at once up her chipped ham ditch. But the song gets a 3/5.
Joe: I know all you CaCa queens are calling her a copycat, blah blah. Boring. She didn't invent electropop. Madonna did however invent Lady CaCa. It's a fact. I digress, this song is hot and Xtina's powerful pipes sound better than ever. The video is a trash lover's wet dream come true! The fact that this song has flopped harder than a drunk tranny in a wet alley wearing a broken heel makes me love it even more! I for one can not wait for BIONIC. Welcome back Xtina! 5/5
Mike: What Joe said! 4/5
Paul: She's clearly not herself in the video, she's every other bloody female pop singer from the past ten years. I do like the song, it's grown on me a lot over the past few weeks. It does feel a bit like it's trying to hard and not quite ticking all the right boxes. So not quite the amazing comeback single I was hoping for (it's no "Dirrty") but still quite good. A better effort next time though please. 3/5
The Prophet: Make way people, Legentina is returning! The visionary artist has been in the industry for over 10 years and is still pushing the boundaries with her edgy and provocative new single "Not Myself Tonight". Becoming a mother has made the legend more in-tune with her sexuality and her body and she's not ashamed of it, as evident in the song's jaw dropping music video. Who else would have the courage to do on-screen girl-on-girl action and say "fuck you" on their first single? Legentina already defined the past decade and she's about to do it again. Truly epic! 0.5/5
Tommie: When this first starts to play you think to yourself that it's going to be quite good - but by the time it's over, boy how wrong you were! Hook-less and seriously un-catchy. Christina girl, you should do something with Khia! You know what I'm saying? 0/5
Gabriella Cilmi – Hearts Don’t Lie (Video)
The second single from “Ten”.
D'Luv: You know how drag queens sometimes pick these left-of-center songs to lip sync to—the kind that when you watch the performance, you're like, "Who the hell cares about this boring trash enough to pour their fat ass into a horrid knockoff dress and humiliate themselves for the 12 bucks in tips they're gonna have shoved between their knees?" Well, Gabriella will always have that, at least. 1.5/5
Joe: I'm glad she's ditched the pseudo Amy Whinehouse sound of her debut and has given dance music a chance. I like her new single. It's kinda Scissor Sisters meet Anastacia (minus the lesbo biker shades). 3.5/5
Mike: Why is Gabi wearing an old curtain in the video? Who chose this shit as a single? "Ten" is a great pop album but "Hearts Don't Lie" has flop written all over it. Not that it's a bad song - I like the disco beats and Gabi's vocal is lovely but she has so much better to choose from. And as Tommie rightly points out - Toy Toy did it first and better way back in 1983. Here's the proof! 3/5
Paul: I hated her first album, love the second. While this isn't is camptastic as the still wildly bonkers "On A Mission", it's still a jolly good disco infused ditty that has these absolutely feral choruses where Gabriella really seems to let loose. Quite magnificent. 4/5
The Prophet: I loved Gabby's last single "On A Mission" and I love this one too. I can't believe Australia managed to spawn a female artist who is talented, beautiful and makes fantastic pop music. Well we have Dannii, but besides her nobody else comes to mind. 4/5
Tommie: My ears don't lie and there's only one girl that can Toy with my heart. 2/5
Toni Braxton – Make My Heart (Video)
90s icon takes desperation to a whole new level.
D'Luv: Ah, the latest broad returning from the brink and trying to remake "Just Dance." Don't worry—the gays will eat this up, right? Anyone? 1.5/5
Joe: This is what, her 17th single from her latest release? Does anyone even care anymore? Then again the gays do. Obviously that's why she featured drag queens, trannies, dykes and voguers galore in the gayest video of her career. She proves once again not all good singers can dance (Whitney Houston anyone?). Kudos to her for going back to short hair. Back to the song. It's a nice little number but I don't think it's anything special. I'll have to check out the remixes for further satisfaction. But Toni, let's face it. You're not 25 anymore. Hell you're not 40 anymore! 3/5
Mike: Toni has briefly emerged from Tamar's long shadow in a desperate attempt to reclaim her former glory. It's sad, unintentionally hilarious and more than a little tragic. In other words, I love it. For more accurate preview of her new album, check out the gorgeous "So Yesterday". 3.5/5
Paul: Desperation, Mike? Oh no no no. I really like this - it could have easily been on the Whitney album and been a song that she strolled off the stage to for a nice rest mid chorus! Will it be a massive comeback for her? Probably not, but some nice remixes will jazz it up a bit. It's nice to see singers like this still eeking out a living! Next Debbie Gibson and Wilson Phillips please! 3.5/5
The Prophet: I'm gonna be a lazy bitch and just quote a line from my original review of the song which was posted on my site. "Watching Toni recycle Britney’s old dance moves to a Beyonce B-side while rocking Victoria Beckham's old haircut and a see through catsuit is just so tragic that it’s… what’s the word… endearing!" 4/5
Tommie: Poor Toni. She's seriously bordering on a Nicki French budget these days. The song is nice enough, but hardly the making of a smash hit! 3/5
María José - Adelante Corazón (above)
The pride of Mexico releases another single from her smash hit album.
D'Luv: In honor of Cinco de Mayo, which I just celebrated at one of my favorite authentic Mexican restaurants in L.A. (it's called Taco Bell, all my fine dining brethren), I'm giving this bimbo a near-perfect score! 4.5/5
Joe: Covering one of Mexico's greatest divas of all time, Daniela Romo, is no easy feat. I give her an A for at least not going with the obvious covers that have been done to death. That said, this is nice a nice ditty from her sophmore solo effort. Though I wish she would have done more w/ her cover. What's up with the cheap video? Those panties are fierce and all but Mexico's reigning pop princess deserves a better budget! 3/5
Mike: María José can do no wrong in my book. "Adelante Corazón" doesn't quite match the once in a career brilliance of "No Soy Una Señora" but it is an outstanding ballad with an absolutely breathtaking chorus. Think Pat Benatar crossed with Gloria Estefan. Yes, it's that amazing! I also love her dramatic air grabs and general lack of clothing in the video. Now please release "Este Hombre No Se Toca" as the next single! 4.5/5
Paul: Another sparse percussive groove that goes nowhere. Actually it has a touch of the Ryan Tedder about it, which doesn't exactly fill me with joy. She has a nice voice though and I do enjoy being sung to in Spanish so I've upped her still quite low mark. 2.5/5
The Prophet: Um, this isn't Thalia! 2/5
Tommie: Sounds very sinister, doesn't it? I wish the punch of the chorus was bigger though. 3/5
Khia – Been A Bad Girl (Video)
The Queen of rap returns to put the pretenders in check.
D'Luv: My problem with this is that two weeks ago, when I first watched the clip, it seemed the video was a 10 while the song was a three. Sadly, not much has changed since then—well, except of course the number of guys who've slammed Khia from behind, probably. 1.5/5
Joe: The 'Queen of da South' is back and ready to take nobody's sh*t! I must admit the first time I heard this song, I kinda liked it, but now that I've seen the video...gurl I am in love! Thug Misses proves why she's the baddest bitch out there. And those neon green eyelashes are DELICIOUS! Props to her for having a budget this time. The chorus is catchy and the entire song has that Khia quality only she can bring. Ms. Chambers you can do no wrong. 5/5
Mike: I love Khia. I would lick her neck, hairy back, beat-up pussy and loose crack. And enjoy it. As such, I was ready to give rap's favourite motor mouf a perfect score but the song just doesn't do it for me. That said, it's still one thousand times better than anything Trina or Nicky Minaj has ever recorded. The Kween still reigns supreme. 4/5
Paul: First off the demented yellow eye make up is both brilliant and out of control! I love the whispering over the minimal percussion in the verses. I love the cute guy in the video. And I keep expecting it to explode into something magnificent. It doesn't, but I like it well enough anyway - it's like being impotent (I should imagine): you're grinding away, getting the pleasure feelings but the big explosion doesn't quite happen. 3/5
The Prophet: Nicki Minaj may be the femcee garnering all the spotlight at the moment, but Khia is the true Queen of Hip-Hop as she proves with 2010's biggest urban anthem "Been a Bad Girl". Not only does the song cement Khia as the greatest lyricist of our generation, but it also establishes her as a true style icon. Ciara should've called up Khia for the feature on "Ride" instead of using Ludacris again! 5/5
Tommie: The Queen of Rap returns! What else can I say? Been A Bad Girl is something to live by. 5/5
Sophie Ellis Bextor – Bittersweet (Video)
SEB’s new single was released in the UK last week.
D'Luv: I give this babe props for always sticking to her guns and making quirky pop. Not my favorite song from her (that would be "Love Is Here" off her last album), but still pleasant enough to wash Khia's minge out of my mouth. 3.5/5
Joe: The most glamorous woman in pop has unleashed another delicious dance track. It has that signature icy sound that I've come to love. Can she get anymore beautiful? 4/5
Mike: I've had a grudge against this bitch ever since the tragic queen in my Spanish class tried to pick me up by telling me that I look like a male Sophie Ellis-Bextor. As Liz Lemon would say - Dealbreaker! Anyway, I think "Bittersweet" is SEB's best single since "Murder On The Dancefloor". Her music is always icily beautiful but this has a yearning and darkness to it that I love. Sophie really should have won single of the week - pop music doesn't get much better. 5/5
Paul: Ah the lovely Ms Bextor. At first I was disappointed that this wasn't as glorious as "Heartbreak Make Me A DaRn-Sar", but a few listens in and it utterly spins my world into a beat driven frenzy! So sad it's not doing well on the UK charts but it's classic Sophe and a brilliant tune. Plus her husband Richard (from the Feeling) looks like a right good boff. 4/5
The Prophet: If the porcelain princess recorded herself removing a tampon I'd still think it was amazing, but "Bittersweet" is a genuinely stunning gay dance anthem so there's no need to be biased when giving it a high score. 4.5/5
Tommie: I really like Sophie, but this screams "fifth single/fan favourite that never gets released". 2.5/5
SINGLE OF THE WEEK
Ayna – Prisoner (below)
Seriously, words escape me.
D'Luv: I think we all know that it's impossible to comment on "Prisoner" without mentioning Ayna's stunning video. In so many ways, the train wreck clip reminds me of the 2003 cult flick The Room, which if you haven't seen, you're really not a true pop trash addict yet. Anyway, WTF are we talking about? Oh, right—Ayna. One point for the song, one for the low rent tits and three for the video. 5/5
Mike: Fags, you're stealing my act! I only choose these stunning "undergound" anthems so I can defiantly proclaim their brilliance while the rest of you tear them apart. They're not supposed to win! That said, I understand the appeal. Ayna is the most glamorous diva I've ever set eyes upon and her video clip makes "Avatar" look like a cheap home movie. Girlfriend has special effects and everything! As for the song - I genuinely love it. And have already ordered her sure to be amazing debut album "To Know Ayna" from her website. Pop music has a new icon! 5/5
Joe: OMG It's like a lost freestyle video circa 1991! Why have I never heard of this siren before? Seriously can I give it a 10? It's all kinds of cheap. Cheap video, cheap production, cheap broad (the fact that she didn't wax her upper lip makes me love her even more). According to her myspace bio she's a model and cable access television host. I think I'm in love. 5/5
Paul: Oh my stars. It's the video production values of lamented US soap Sunset Beach mixed with the musical quality of Lisa Scott Hyphen Lee. And entirely awful. 1/5
The Prophet: OMG! Iconic! Her chair dance is better than Mariah's tragic Fantasy Remix chair dance from the Around The World DVD! 4.5/5
Tommie: Oh my. I... I... I think I'm in love. Where does this woman live and when is she available to have my babies? She's perfection, like Dannii said before she went down on Jupiter! 5/5