I know this review has been a long time coming but I wanted to live with the song for a couple of days before declaring it the greatest thing since "Better Than Her". As it turns out, "All The Lovers" is probably the best pop tune since Matisse revolutionised music as we know it. The Kish Mauve penned, Stuart Price produced gem initially struck me as a little safe but releasing a lead single as soft and pretty as "All The Lovers" is almost an act of rebellion at a time when Lady Gaga and Ke$ha are ruling the charts with their hypersexual slut anthems. Instead of jumping on the latest trend like Madonna, the (ever so slightly) more successful Minogue sister has re-discovered her own sound.
In another singer's hands, the track would be vomit inducing mush but Kylie does wide eyed romance and time worn whimsy better than anyone. In fact, one of the song's greatest accomplishments is its ability to channel something autobiographical. "All The Lovers" is the fitting soundtrack for a perfectly preserved cougar with a well hung Spanish toy boy. Kylie is finally lucky, lucky, lucky in love and the song captures that euphoria perfectly. The lyrics couldn't be more simple but they tap into something that anyone who has been around the block a couple (of hundred) times can identify with and Stuart Price serves up a brilliant smorgasbord of delicate bleeps and beeps to accompany them. Given all that, I wonder why the song makes me want to cry. It just seems inexplicably bittersweet. "All The Lovers" appears to capture the final moments of lovesick insanity before reality kicks in and you realise you've fallen for a lying man whore with the moral fibre of a dog on heat but I could just be projecting.
As much as I adore the song, I do have some criticisms. Well, one big one. I really hope I'm wrong but I don't think "All The Lovers" is a particularly smart lead single from a commercial standpoint. Kylie needed to steal her sister's crown as the undisputed Queen of Clubs instead of returning with what is essentially an electronic Mother's Day anthem. Fans have likened the song to "I Believe In You" and "The One" but neither of those set the charts on fire outside of England. I can't help but feel Kylie is restricting herself to spinsters and ageing homosexuals on this outing. And that's ok. I'm beyond caring about chart positions. As long as the music is this good, the diva can happily become Australia's own Sophie Ellis Flopster and churn out amazing pop tunes that no one buys. Legally. That aside, "All The Lovers" is pretty close to perfect.