"I told you she didn't have a dick" quips a guard after throwing Lady GaGa in her prison cell. So begins the most highly anticipated music video in recent history. Yes people, "Telephone" is finally here! After months of delays, the 9 and a half minute Jonas Åkerlund directed opus has just hit the web and it's everything I could have hoped for. The lovingly sleazy homage to 70s sexploitation movies picks up where "Paparazzi" left off. GaGa has landed in gaol but makes the most of her free time by making out with hot dykes and posing naked in crime scene tape. Basically your average episode of Cell Block H with higher production values! Things heat up when a super sexy Beyoncé bails our heroine out and they go on a Thelma & Louise inspired killing spree.
"Telephone" is truly staggering in its scope. It all has everything - lesbian love scenes, brilliant dance routines, jaw dropping costumes (smoking sunglasses is THE LOOK for 2010) and a surprisingly witty script. I particularly love the little in-jokes. Like the aforementioned crack about Lady GaGa having a penis and the gags about Beyoncé's eating habits. The camp dialogue is also pretty amazing. "Once you kill a cow you gotta make a burger" and "I knew you'd take all my honey, you selfish motherfucker" spring to mind. I hoped Beyjesus would do the right thing and let Lady GaGa shine after completely stealing the show in "Videophone" and she graciously obliges - at least for the first half of the mini movie until her superior beauty and Oscar calibre acting ability makes it an impossible task! If I had to choose a favourite scene it would be Lady GaGa's cooking demonstration or the choreography in big finale, which showcases the phenomenal talent of pop music's two biggest stars.
PS. Did Lady GaGa steal Kylie's catsuit from Showgirl Homecoming?!