Friday, March 12, 2010

Telephone: The Adventures Of GaGa & Honey B

"I told you she didn't have a dick" quips a guard after throwing Lady GaGa in her prison cell. So begins the most highly anticipated music video in recent history. Yes people, "Telephone" is finally here! After months of delays, the 9 and a half minute Jonas Åkerlund directed opus has just hit the web and it's everything I could have hoped for. The lovingly sleazy homage to 70s sexploitation movies picks up where "Paparazzi" left off. GaGa has landed in gaol but makes the most of her free time by making out with hot dykes and posing naked in crime scene tape. Basically your average episode of Cell Block H with higher production values! Things heat up when a super sexy Beyoncé bails our heroine out and they go on a Thelma & Louise inspired killing spree.

"Telephone" is truly staggering in its scope. It all has everything - lesbian love scenes, brilliant dance routines, jaw dropping costumes (smoking sunglasses is THE LOOK for 2010) and a surprisingly witty script. I particularly love the little in-jokes. Like the aforementioned crack about Lady GaGa having a penis and the gags about Beyoncé's eating habits. The camp dialogue is also pretty amazing. "Once you kill a cow you gotta make a burger" and "I knew you'd take all my honey, you selfish motherfucker" spring to mind. I hoped Beyjesus would do the right thing and let Lady GaGa shine after completely stealing the show in "Videophone" and she graciously obliges - at least for the first half of the mini movie until her superior beauty and Oscar calibre acting ability makes it an impossible task! If I had to choose a favourite scene it would be Lady GaGa's cooking demonstration or the choreography in big finale, which showcases the phenomenal talent of pop music's two biggest stars.

10/10

PS. Did Lady GaGa steal Kylie's catsuit from Showgirl Homecoming?!

23 comments:

Justin said...

Bad Romance was much better...

Holara said...

worst. video. ever.

"You've been a very very bad bad girl Gaga."

Paul said...

Ghastly. However, i do love love love your line about it being Cell Block H with higher production values!!

tommie said...

Pretentious cunt. I hope she dies!

undisco_me said...

For a brief second I sympathised with Beyonce and wished it was her own solo execution.

I'd much prefer if it had been a short film about those lesbian wardens.

Copito said...

This is the best amount of commercials I've ever seen. I love it.

bomitoni said...

There's 9 minutes and 32 seconds of my life I'll never get back. It was a little "Who's That Girl" 2010 if you ask me. And when I say that, I'm talking about Lady CaCa's acting being as good as Madonna's! LOL!

p.s. The police tape is very Paulina Rubio circa 2004 from the "Algo Tienes" video.

Mike said...

Yawn. This is such a run of the mill video. Everyone is doing it.

Oh wait... they're not.

Stop the hate. Just because your faves spent $10 on their last video!

Nasty G said...

Haters gonna hate, ya bitches! This video is phenomenal and you can all keep trying desperately to hate it, but I'll never believe you. I love queens who try so hard to pretend they're so alternative and over it and don't like the mainstream, when you know they're secretly jizzing over it. Keep trying to convince yourselves that Dannii or whomever does it better, girls, (you're SO ironic!) but your cracks are showing. ;).

undisco_me said...

To kind of elaborate, what I meant about Beyonce is finally she is part of a can't-criticise-because-it's-too-amazing operation but she's kind of rendered impotent since it's Gaga's song and she's benefiting completely from the Lady's brand and it's not remotely vice versa.

I can't quite bounce along to this - I'm not desperately slagging it, I just think it's the 3rd worst song off Monster. I'd give the song a 5, production 9 and video a 10. So there you go. And I still prefer Dannii, so fucking what, and that's knowing Dannii will probably never have anything as magical as the last 30 seconds of Dance In The Dark.

rcLoy said...

This is awesome, I can't stop laughing. I am just glad that you love it. LOL

Scott said...

I'm sure you meant to say Prisoner, right?

Meanwhile I'm with you on Kylie's stollen catsuit - first thing I thought.

Very keen to see if there is an edited version for video shows or how they might go about playing this version.

Beyonce's Oscar can't be far away. *COUGH*

John said...

Pretty brilliant. You can either look at the themes as theft or tribute, but the ones here are a bit too blatant to be considered theft. "Let's make a sandwich" just cracks me up, and I would compare GaGa's outfit at the end to Shania's from "That Don't Impress Me Much" (credit to Yuri on that one).

Sexbox said...

Nasty G's comments are right on the money LOL. Is it just me or is Lady Gaga looking like 80's Madonna lately? Weird! And yes she stole Kylie's cat suit! LOL> I love the video!

Me said...

Most utterly pretentious and up its own arse video EVER! Not surprising considering it is the King/Queen of pretentiousness Tranny CaCa at the helm.

Firstly its an utterly SHITE song - easily the worst in her (tiny) back catalogue. Then they take an amusing and potentially brilliant concept (which has been done before) and ruin it by trying to be "artistic" / edgy / sophisticated / cool / shocking and camp at the same time - meaning it is just a mess of half arsed badly acted scenes, outfits that even rosin murphy would deem too try hard and a rather excellent sequence involving making a sandwich while bewhoresay (who steals the show by camping it up perfectly while CaCa seems to be trying to remove that telephone hat from her colon throughout) poisions the token evil male.

Though getting rid of the track by sticking in the acting scenes and ensuring the video gets banned by CaCas crotch bearing is a really good marketing move as it distracts from teh fact the "song" is so completely and utterly shite not even Ratshit STDvens would get skullfucked for it...

Christian Stovitz said...

'Pretentious cunt' same here. The song is pretty bad. I'm not remotely interested on wasting 9 minutes of my life watching that crap.

Yuriko said...

Wow, amazed at all the hate. I've only really been into Gaga since The Fame Monster landed, finding her a bit hit and miss before, and I loved this video! It's thoroughly entertaining and silly without even pretending to be more. I'm not normally into Beyonce's musical endeavours at all but kudos to her too for just fitting right in and having fun. Very cute when she censors herself in the diner scene too.

Hope we get a Gaga DVD in the near future. I noticed her android suit in Paparazzi was the same as a costume used in George Michael's Too Funky video, so not too surprised to see her resurrecting outfits again.

Y

Yuriko said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Mike said...

Nasty G speaks the truth. I bet all the haters have already learned the dance moves! I don't think this video is pretentious at all. It's a very clever homage to one of my favourite genres - 70s exploitation movies. The coke can hair-rollers and cigarette earrings work in this context. I think "Bad Romance" was much... artsier (I know it's not a real word) than this.

As for the song, I was completely over it until the video was unveiled and now I love it all over again. However, I do prefer Bey's collab with Alicia Keys. Can't wait for the "Put It In A Love Song" video to hit the net!

Mike said...

I meant cigarette sunnies!

Johnny D said...

The video must have cost a fortune. Regardless of whether you like it or not, someone, somewhere has f#cked up royally because the song kinda peaked on the charts a week or two ago. And everyone who was ever gonna buy the Fame Monster would've by now. Can't see who benefits from this other than the director (and the editing is dubious at best)and GaGa's ego.

tommie said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a5cYiaJ3FCY

Horrid bitch. Why does anyone think she's any good anyway? I hope she DIES................

Anonymous said...

Loved it!

Only saw it yesterday for the first time. I can see a few style references that have been 'borrowed' from other artists - but on the whole I loved it.

It's high camp, it's borderline vulgar, it's meant to be lighthearted and entertaining.

Being *ahem* over 35, I have seen many singers/performers come and go, never to be heard of again, after they've had one or two big singles or albums.

Love her or hate her, I think 'The Ga' is going to be around for quite some time. Her rise to prominence is somewhat reminiscent of Madonna's rise to fame in the mid to late 1980's.

She'd be pulling in the big dollars by now, and I honestly don't think she gives a flying f**k what people say about her.

Good luck to her!