Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Kylie, Botox & Broccoli

New Weekly is my bible. Well, that and Famous because they once featured Heidi Montag on their best dressed list but I digress. The only thing that gets me out of bed on a Monday morning is the prospect of flipping through page after page of hard hitting journalism about fat celebrities, plastic surgery addicts and fame whores. Needless to say, I was particularly excited to see Dannii's older sister on the cover of last week's edition. Reading about Kylie's natural beauty is one of my favourite past times but nothing prepared me for this stunning exposé. Instead of pouring over pictures of my favourite singer's frozen forehead, I was mind raped by one of the most amusing works of fiction articles I've read in a long time. According to NW, the "once beautiful star" is frightening London with her "over-worked, Botoxed face" and is feeling "really old and tired". When not terrifying onlookers with her shocking appearance, the tragic figure apparently passes the time listening to her biological clock wind down. There's also the obligatory opinion from an expert plastic surgeon and some dubious quotes from a "friend of the pop star" (my guess is Jazzi P).

The main article is amazing but the hour by hour breakdown of Kylie's average day (above) is the real Pulitzer Prize winning material. Her daily routine allegedly begins with exhausting neck and face exercises. After that ordeal is over, she pops down to the local clinic to get Botox and Collagen injections. The poor bitch must buy the cheap stuff that wears off overnight! Next up is a trip to the recording studio, followed by a three hour dance workout. Is it even possible to do robotic hand movements for that long? That's actually the least of her problems. According to New Weekly, Kylie's average lunch - and dinner - is a bowl of raw broccoli! Yes, apparently our national treasure survives on two serves of uncooked roughage a day! Maybe she could try wrapping the florets in a tasty lettuce leaf for that extra burst of flavour. I'm a firm believer that the truth is overrated but this is too much. Who is going to be held responsible when Dannii catches wind of this article and desperately follows Kylie's "routine" until she faints or turns green? I'm outraged! On a happier note, here is a pic (below) of Kylie in the studio... well, her feet at least. With demos being passed around the music industry - to rave reviews, no less - I think it's only a matter of time until we hear our first taste of XI. I can't wait!

11 comments:

Me said...

This is top quality hard hitting investagative journalism at its finest! Though I think someone somewhere has been replacing the word "Madonna" with "Kylie" on the spell checker...

John said...

The only takeaway from this is that Kylie's found the photo for her new album!

tommie said...

It made me laugh when I got to the part that she gets botoxed - DAILY. Bitch must have enough poison in her face to kill an army!

The Prophet said...

Haha a few years ago I used to be obsessed with tabloids I don't know why, but my fave was Who because most the stories were true and it had other things, like a good mix of stuff!

Famous was my least fave!

For trashy magazine I either liked Zoo or the UK rags like Heat.

undisco_me said...

Oh please, that old tart's been getting 'passed around the studio to rave reviews for years'.

I wouldn't be too concerned for Dannii (who actually is an evergreen beauty anyway) - she is on the cover of OK! magazine saying that 'Kylie likes soft floral shades whereas I go for sharp dramatic lines'. Way to kick a bitch when she's down.

As for me - if I ate that much broccoli I'd never be able to do anal ever again (that was the last thing Kylie had going for her and now she's even determined to ruin that).

Guy said...

Wow, that's A LOT of Botox!

Anonymous said...

Bitch must have serious gas! No wonder she cant keep a man

Mike said...

Kylie is not flatulent! She occasionally quiefs glitter and sequins but that's it! H8TR!!!!!

And I'm dying to hear the demos. The line up working on this album is amazing. I think Kylie isn't taking chances this time around.

tommie said...

I posted this on SayHey - it didn't go down so well.

Mike said...

Why not? I'm defending Kylie's honour! CUNTS.

D'luv said...

You are my Class Guru.