D'Luv (US) writer of Chart Rigger
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog.
Paul (UK) writer of Fizzy Pop
Tommie (Sweden) writer of Donna Martin Graduates
Also joining us this week are:
Blake (Aus) writer of Dark Cafe Daze
Nasty G (Canada) writer of The Isle Of Deserted Pop Stars
Nasty G's blog remains the place to visit for rare and out of print guilty pleasures and has already graced us with his presence in the past. Blake, on the other hand, is a newcomer to the Panel. His quirky blog focuses on depressing singer-songwriters but he also has a passion for pure pop and works in the music industry. Maybe he can help get our winner a local record deal!
As usual, the results are ranked from lowest to highest.
BWO ft. Velvet - Right Here Right Now (Video)
Scandipop's cheesiest performers join forces on this collaboration.
Blake: A little too smooth for Eurovision, a little too shite for radio. I think I am a little too sober to appreciate the finery of this track. Give me a few hours and I might up the score. 2/5
D'Luv: Every time I jack off into the sink, it starts off decent enough, but ultimately ends in a lackluster climax that never really reaches its full potential. That's how I feel about BWO. 3/5
Mike: Like every other single BWO has ever released, this is complete and utter shit. Poor Velvet, she's not only hit the bottom of the barrel but crashed right through it. 0/5
Nasty G: OK, so I may have to surrender my gay card, but I have tried in vain to get into this group (and their truly abysmal precursor Vacuum *shudders*). THIS is the phoenix that arose from the flagrant flames of Army Of Lovers? They're like Alcazar without the primordial pussy. Oh wait, I'm wrong, Velvet is in this too. Barely. Left there left later. 2/5
Paul: Love, love, love BWO. One of the best pop groups of the past 5 years, up there with McFly and Girls Aloud (and Same Difference). The addition of Velvet and a gentle remix probably makes it more radio friendly for the UK than the album version and it doesn't lose any of the charm. Brillo. 4/5
Tommie: Oh look - Sweden's most dire group returns to flop yet again and this time they're taking Velvet down with them! I'm sure Alexander Bard will continue to lie his ass off in Swedish media about how big they are in the UK when they get their third #69 "hit". 0/5
The Saturdays - Forever Is Over (Video)
The Saturdays unveil the lead single from their second album.
Blake: I've heard a lot about these lasses without ever being compelled to listen to them. This track doesn't really change that, but their voices are strong and chorus suitably climatic. I wish it made my brain explode just a tiny bit more though. I also can't quite shake the feeling it is an inferior "When Love Takes Over". 3/5
D'Luv: Lametards shot glitter out of their panties over Jordin Sparks' "Battlefield" when they should have saved the enthusiasm for this dark jam. Forever has only just begun for these five broads! 4/5
Mike: Did Nasty G just imply that Girls Aloud have charisma? Computer says hell no! As for The Saturdays - when did they become so... dull and boring? This makes their stripper anthem "Work" sound like a Grammy award winning masterpiece. 0/5
Nasty G: Hooray, they're back! Um, when did they go away exactly? Nice enough tune, though somewhat reminiscent of something Jordin Sparks would reject, on account of her apparent aversion to shaking her fat ass. But I do fancy these jailbait-Girls-Aloud-minus-charisma. 3/5
Paul: I am so beyond disappointed with this single. It's not even that it's bad, it's just what has been threatening the Sats career from day one - a distinct lack of definition and personality. Part "Battlefield", part Anastacia, wholly disappointing. And I absolutely did and still do want to love this but to use the vastly over used saying, epic fail all round 1.5/5
Tommie: The ShaTURDays are back with a Kelly Clarkson reject! Yawn. I guess they are better than Girls'R'Foul though. 1/5
Linda Teodosiu - Reprogram My Heart (Video)
This popular German diva has obviously been listening to "The Fame". A lot.
Blake: Fighting the urge to comment on that hideous purple hat, I'll instead just make mention that this track doesn't really... go anywhere. I do respect her sassy head movements in the clip, though. 1/5
D'Luv: There's only one reason Linda should be opening her mouth. And it ain't singing. 0/5
Mike: Poor Linda looks like she's been styled by a blind tranny with a passion for shopping at Supre but this Lady GaGa rip off is irritatingly catchy. More cheap and cheerful trash of this "calibre" and Linda could have a new australian fan. 3.5/5
Nasty G: In terms of German singers, Sarah Connor has her beat by a nose. Literally. Though it's fun pop, the title should be "Reprogram My Song", as we've heard this before, even from the handsome Ms. Connor. But compared to the rest of the drivel in this week's panel, this is a standout, much like Sarah Connor's proboscis. 3.5/5
Paul: God, I want to give her zero just for ripping off Lady Cuckoo. It's clearly the personality and annoyingness of the Cuckoo that puts me off "The Fame" as I've come to accept "Evacuate The Dancefloor" and "Silly Boy". This really isn't any different but not any better, so it gets a middling 2.5/5.
Tommie: And here I was thinking Lady GaGa looked like a tranny! The song is alright, but there's about a thousand other similar songs out there today that do the job better. 2/5
LMFAO - La La La (Video)
This super classy American electro outfit have "scored" a Paradiso Girl to star in their clip. How A-list!
Blake: Eh? I'm not entirely sure if I am supposed to dig this or not. I'll go with not. 1/5
D'Luv: Yeah, I know these two are uncle and nephew, but they need to just boink already. This songs has been getting considerable airplay in L.A. for the past few months. It's just okay. 2.5/5
Mike: Since when is it ok for straight men to team a pink t-shirt with leopard skin print leggings? I know trannies who would draw the line at that ensemble! Americans usually get electro all wrong but this is fun. 3/5
Nasty G: So, I hated this group on sight but inexplicably downloaded their album anyway. Don't hate me when I say I dig it. It's cheap and easy, but then, so am I. More importantly, lovely Chelsea from the Paradiso Girls is in the vid. Sister gets around more than Clay Aiken in a public restroom. I am so glad that she lost the Pussycat Dolls gig, or otherwise she wouldn't be available to dance feebly in bad clothes and do little else in high class vids such as this! Take that, Asia! 3/5
Paul: Dreadful. 0/5
Tommie: I loathe the name "LMFAO" - in fact, I think internet abbreviations should be banned from pop music. Period. But there's no denying that this is an annoyingly catchy tune and I can overlook their crap name for this song at least. 3/5
Agent X ft. Mutya & Ultra - Falling (Above)
The only Sugababe (past or present) worth mentioning returns to put Amelle in check!
Blake: Sadly, it appears she is still floundering without Siobhan. I appreciated her track with Groove Armada (mainly because it taught me how to pronounce her name) but this is terribly pedestrian. She needs to drive a little more erratic. 1/5
D'Luv: Mutya hasn't been good since Groove Armada rode her hard and threw her in a dumpster. 0/5
Mike: The realest girl in UK pop is back - albeit with a strange garage anthem straight outta 1997. I hated this the first time I heard it but "Falling" is strangely hypnotic. Mutya is probably using her crazy voodoo powers on us. A grower not a shower. 4/5
Nasty G: Ugh. Is UK garage seriously making a comeback? Why didn't anyone tell Misteeq's Su-Elise? Surely she would have added SOMETHING to this song (and could use the work). It's hard to make mutty Mutya boring, but Agent X and their gay little sidekick Ultra have managed. Watch out Ms. M. More of this and Amelle is definitely my number one. 2.5/5
Paul: I'm still waiting for Mutya to hit the world with the massive pop career I know she can have. Teaming up on a generic club banger really isn't the way to go, although she still looks entirely fierce and still gives the impression she could rip off your head and shit down your neck soon as look at you. So I'll add a point on to avoid her wrath. 2/5
Tommie: The UK Queen of Real is back and better than ever! I love that she's paying homage to when the Sugashits were good by sampling "One Foot In". 4/5
Kristinia DeBarge - Sabotage (Video)
James DeBarge's ho daughter follows her US top 20 hit "Goodbye" with this slut jam.
Blake: Good voice - some great rich tones. I dig that. The piano backing to this track is quite nifty too and I like how it kicks into the chorus. She is no Jessica Mauboy, but it is solid. 3/5
D'Luv: Kristinia takes boring to whole new levels. Hopefully she at least gives somewhat exciting head. 2/5
Mike: Yawn. I don't mind this, it's just been done before (and a lot better) by Jessica Mauboy. Kristinia should cover "Rhythm Of The Night". She wishes she was one tenth as fierce as her father. 2/5
Nasty G: All of the right elements are here – blandly pretty girl, minimal vocal talent, weak dance beat, bad dance moves and Sam Fox's "Touch Me" -era wardrobe. So why am I unmoved? I think it's because I know that her auntie, the severely underrated Bunny, had the same qualifications but would have rocked this so much harder. Look out Toy, cause Bunny's ready for a comeback. Mark my words, bitches! 2.5/5
Paul: While I love a good ho as much as the next red blooded male, this doesn't really stoke my fires. In fact I'm grossly disappointed that she has failed to get a rise out of me with this tune. I'm obviously not as trashtastic as I once thought I was. 2/5
Tommie: Dear Whoever-Is-In-Charge, can we please stop pretending that Kristinia can
a) dance or b) play the piano? Otherwise a decent pop tune. 3/5
The Temper Trap - Sweet Disposition (Video)
Despite flopping with this in Australia last year, The Temper Trap are currently celebrating an unexpected UK top 40 hit with their hyped debut single.
Blake: Aussie lads poised to take over the world? A lot of work (read: money) has gone into these boys, and I do like their smooth sounds. I wish this song had a bit more guts and a bit more to make it stand out from the standard post-indie-pop smattering that is currently throbbing worldwide. Maybe the next single will be the one. 2/5
D'Luv: If I did drugs, this would be astounding. Alas... 2/5
Mike: I've had "Sweet Disposition" on high rotation for the best part of a year and I still love it as much as the first time I head it. Dougy's voice is amazing, the lyrics cut straight through me and the atmospsheric soundscape is beautiful. The perfect soundtrack to semi-sexy times! 5/5
Nasty G: What have we here? An Asian singer in a non-Asian band? Is that legal? Well, I say brava! But that still doesn't make this any more than a subpar attempt at mimicking MGMT, like approximately 5,000 other bands at the moment. I should like it, but I say meh. 2/5
Paul: I sat for a couple of minutes twiddling my thumbs while I was waiting for this to start, and then I realised it had started and was actually quite good. I love it when someone sneaks up and takes you by surprise from behind. It's very pleasant indeed when that happens. So hurrah for the Temps. 3.5/5
Tommie: I actually like the backing track, but the vocals are quite jarring. 2/5
SINGLE OF THE WEEK
Heidi Montag ft. Spencer Pratt - Body Language ("Live" at Miss Universe)
The Queen of American pop finally releases "Body Language" complete with a stunning rap courtesy of husband Spencer.
Blake: I liked this a lot more than I thought I would. Sure, part of me wished it was sung by Holly Valance - but this gal will do nicely in the interim. I'm not quite sure what the deal is with the white-boy rap, though? 4/5
D'Luv: I want to point out that The Saturdays already rocked this Yaz sample last year. And I want to rail against Heidi's thin warble. But... can't... stop... listening! The classiest jam in all of Heidi's stunning catalog thus far. 3/5
Mike: Fuck single of the week - this is in the running for single of the year! I've been ranting about Heidi's stunning musical ability for ages but everyone thinks I'm joking. She is media whoring filth of the lowest common denominator but her music is better than Britney, Robyn and Annie combined. Fact! 5/5
Nasty G: Oops, I just jizzed on my keyboard! Finally! Though I applaud that the song itself recycles Paris Hilton's unretouched vocals and a very tired Yaz sample, I must acknowledge her sensational Miss Universe performance of this, where she dutifully reused Britney’s old wardrobe, Lene Alexandra's stellar dance moves and a blow-up doll's hair. How apropos that she chose Miss Universe for her live debut, since that's what she'll be ruling with her obvious talents. 5/5
Paul: Apparently according to her fugly husband, she has inherited the spirit of Michael Jackson and is going to be the next massive worldwide popstar. Probably not, to be fair, but this isn't an entire disaster. It's a bit Kylie, a bit Cathy Dennis and a bit shit (the rap is dreadful and hilarious at the same time) so it goes from cheese meets cool pop to novelty record within about 2 mins. But always entertaining. 3.5/5
Tommie: Queen Montag über alles. 5/5