Friday, December 25, 2009

The Worst Singles & Albums Of 2009

Worst Albums Of 2009

1. 3 Words - Cheryl Cole

The racist from Girls Aloud was a runaway winner in this category. In fact, "3 Words" is quite possibly the worst album ever recorded. Who really wants to listen to a talentless white woman pretend to be Rihanna on a Shontelle sized budget? I'd rather watch Nicola Roberts change a tampon. The production is horrible, Cheryl's "voice" defies belief and's involvement serves as a constant reminder that Fergie did this shit first and immeasurably better. "3 Words" is as fake and shallow as Cheryl. Avoid at all costs.

2. Paint Your Face - Sliimy

When Sliimy was described to me as 'the French Mika' my blood ran cold and I felt the urge to run to the nearest church and douche with holy water. Surely one closet case with a grating voice and shit songs is more than enough for the music industry? The answer, it seems, is no. I tried to keep an open mind but "Paint Your Face" is an unusually painful listening experience. Sliimy desperately tries to be quirky and ironic but comes across as derivative and pretentious. Mika's music occasionally has a childlike charm - this is just childish. Check out Sliimy's retched cover of "Womanizer" as exhibit A.

3. Echo - Leona Lewis

Oh joy, a new album from Leona custom designed to appeal to heavily medicated housewives from San Diego to Sydney. If you thought Horsey's last album was generic, wait until you hear this hideous collection of uninspired ballads and urban-lite pop tunes. "Echo" is the most gutless record of 2009. Everything is so polished and polite. It sounds like it was put together by a committee of middle aged record executives desperately trying and failing to appeal to everyone. Has the equally shit Alexandra Burke already made Leona redundant?

4. 1000 Stars - Natalie Bassingthwaighte

Not satisfied with ruining the formerly glorious Rogue Traders with her bad vocals and mutton dressed as lamb fashion sense, Natalie decided to further pollute the local pop scene with a solo album in 2009. The media whore bravely declared herself 'the new Kylie' but 'the new Cheyne' would have been more appropriate. I'm being too kind - Cheyne actually released a couple of decent singles. "1000 Stars" isn't a complete write off. A lot of very talented people contributed material to this album but Natalie has an uncanny ability to make great songs sound rubbish. The Steve Anderson penned "Supersensual" is the pick of the bunch by far.

5. Don't Stop - Annie

Norway's (least) favourite daughter compiles all her massive flops and leaked tracks on the shiteous "Don't Stop". Can someone please explain why this bitch is still making music? Richard X and Xenomania can polish Annie's turds all they like but the public has spoken and they're just not that into her. It could have something to do with the fact that she can't sing and has all the charisma of an ATM machine. It's time this soulless robot was sent to the scrap yard. Next!

6. Speak Love - Hugh Sheridan

The hot actor from Australia's highest rating TV show releases an album full of Michael Buble-esque ballads and (extremely) soft rock anthems just in time for Christmas. There's only one problem. He can't sing and no one bought it. Whoops.

7. Hands - Little Boots

This cunt. I've already written about the overhyped and uninspiring "Hands" here. When "Remedy" blew up in the UK (it turned out to be a grower) I decided to give Little Boots another chance but I can't get past my first impression that she's basically the British Natalie Bassingthwaighte - the latest in a long line of Z grade divas desperately trying to be the new Kylie. You know you're fucked when you have Greg Kurstin, Pascal Gabriel and RedOne produce your album and it still sells less than Peter Andre.

8. Differently - Cassie Davis

Cassie Davis is just a bit shit, isn't she? Her voice is grating, she looks like a Supré shop assistant and she released the least cohesive album in recent memory. "Differently" isn't awful (I own up to liking the title track) but Cassie has no idea who she is. One minute it's P!nk-lite, the next she's channelling Fergie. I'm all for variation but this whole album just feels incredibly forced. Better luck next time.

9. Rated R - Rihanna

Oh shut up! I'm sick of people telling me that "Rated R" is a misunderstood masterpiece that will stand the test of time. It's a gloomy batch of depressing slow jams with the occasional uptempo number thrown in to remind you how much fun Rihanna used to be before she decided to become an artiste and sing incredibly insightful songs about weaponry. Sure, the artwork is stunning but it's an album not a coffee table book and the songs are generally dire. The only exception is "Te Amo", which is the best dancehall stomper about a lesbian stalker ever recorded. I'm guessing.

10. Lady Love - LeToya

I've been a huge fan of LeToya's since Destiny's Child and was very excited about "Lady Love" after hearing the amazing "She Ain't Got Shit On Me". Unfortunately, the rest of the album is a cure for insomnia. LeToya's fans are paranoid that Matthew Knowles is sabotaging her career but she's doing a pretty good job of it herself by releasing this kind of sub-standard rubbish.

Worst Singles Of 2009

1. Fight For This Love - Cheryl Cole

Every copy sold comes with a free ticket to fiery depths of hell. Bon voyage!

2. Bodies - Robbie Williams

This shit makes "Rudebox" sound like "Rock DJ". The lyrics are ridiculous and someone forgot to write a chorus. Embarrassing! Time for Robbie to pull the plug and go back to UFO spotting.

3. Untouchable - Girls Aloud

Proof that Xenomania are officially running on empty - Exhibit 187B.

4. Happy - Leona Lewis

And the award for the year's most misleading song title goes to Leona. This line by line rehash of "Bleeding Love" is so dreary and mediocre even her hardcore fans drew the line at buying it.

5. Just Can't Throw Us Away - Hugh Sheridan

Throw it away, burn it, run over it in your car - just don't make the mistake of listening to it.

6. I'm Just Here For The Music - Paula Abdul

Selecting a six year old Kylie reject for your big comeback = further proof that important decisions shouldn't be made under the influence of Vicodin.

7. Russian Roulette - Rihanna

Extended exposure to "Russian Roulette" could throw Doris Day into a suicidal rage. Such a monumentally disappointing lead single.

8. Anthonio - Annie

Oh look, Annie's back to talk sing about a holiday romance over a lazy backing track that Richard X shamelessly stole from The Flirts. How edgy! If you want to hear Italo disco done properly check out Sally Shapiro's latest album. I guarantee there will be no turning back to this second rate trash.

9. Chillin' - Wale ft. Lady GaGa

Everything Lady GaGa touched in 2009 turned to gold. Except for this.

10. Forever Is Over - The Saturdays

You know something has gone incredibly wrong when you not only record a song Kelly Clarkson rejected but actually release it as your lead single.

11. Celebration - Madonna

As tired as the Material Girl's vagina.

12. Broken - Sam Clark

The final nail in the coffin for using Neighbours as a launching pad to a pop career. It was fun while it lasted.

13. 1000 Stars - Natalie Bassingthwaighte

This saccharine ballad perfectly showcases (the shortcomings of) Natalie's voice.

14. 3 - Britney

When is Britney going to stop recycling beats from "Blackout" and release something as good as "Lucky" or "Toxic" again? Probably never.

15. Mama Do - Pixie Lott

Mama please don't.


tommie said...

Boo whore! Rated R and Russian Roulette are classics. U RUE BOI JUZT WASNT BIG ENUFF!

Moogaboo said...

Love these lists! And yes, Rihanna's Rated R is a miserable listen!

Tyler said...

All hell nah did you just put The Saturdays in the worst singles.

Leona album is really good. Listen to I Got You and Outta My Head

ATOG said...

I agree with everything I have had the misfortune of hearing in that list. Though I don't mind Russian Roulette - it shits all over the tedious Take A Bow for starters.

John said...

There are a few on here I do like (I'm in the minority on the Sats), but for the most part I'm with ya. That Paula trash was unbearable.

(Alex) said...

I agree with your sentiments about Britney.

I have to say, I liked Celebration a bit even if Madonna needs to try harder or just stop trying at all and retire and be done with it.

Annie is entertaining even if the current sound is in need of some life. You recommend Sally Shapiro? I must look into it.

Leona Lewis is infesting my beloved video games now as well. "My Hands", a song from Echo is being used as the English theme for Final Fantasy XIII. In years past, Final Fantasy releases (and various other games with actual theme songs w/ lyrics) have either dubbed the songs into English, used instrumental versions or just left the original version in the game and called it a day. Now, not only do we get some second hand trash tacked on to this game that has been years in the making but we most likely won't have the option to hear the original song, which was written specifically for the game, in context. I don't fully understand Japanese, not by a long shot, but the option would be nice. Hell, even just the instrumental would suffice.

(Alex) said...

One more thing, Paula's cover of Kylie was horrid. This Vicodin induced slur-fest by Paula was complete shit. Even if Kylie didn't release it, her version was still a fun one that made Body Language a more complete album.

Anonymous said...

You suck.

Scott said...

Your love of Beyonce may be mistifying, but this list is spot-on (aside from calling Lucky "good"). What a bunch of talentless wastes of time. I laughed outloud when you said Cassie Davis looked like a Supre girl - Supre Davis! Never a truer word was said. And why do people still pretend to poor NatBass that she can sing? Or host? Or looks under 50?

Craig said...

lol! Cassie davis is dog ugly with a shit voice. Nat isnt that bad tho...

Mel said...

Although I can see your point with a lot of these (many of them I count as guilty pleasures), I have to COMPLETELY disagree with Little Boots, especially on the wannabe-Kylie bit. Given her personality, I think she's kind of the Anti-Kylie as she's not as warm and charismatic. They may be similar in sound, but definitely not in persona.

Glad to see I'm not alone in the tirade against Emo Rihanna. Please don't stop the (pop) music, por favore.

Nasty G said...

Wow, I thought I'd be angry with this, but I agree with almost everything here! Except you're horribly off-base with Annie and Little Boots. Somehow I feel like your hate for them is self-imposed and unreal. Same with your Girls Aloud bias, and Untouchable is awesome! But Cheryl Cole's stuff is a bit crap. And I'm so happy Sliimy bombed. Pure crap, and another blow to Perez Hilton. And I have to say, at the risk of being hated, that my worst list would include 5 of your top 10 - Beyonce, Alicia Keys, Whitney and Black Eyed Peas released the most boring and/or irritating and pedestrian music of the year, and Shakira's album is one that I like less and less every time I hear it. Her voice is so irritating. But then, that's just my opinion. ;)

Anonymous said...

OH MY GOD, BLACK EYED PEAS IS IN YOUR BEST, not worst? ARE YOU RETARDED? Perhaps you should create a blog called "I like crap mainstream music" and leave the IRONY to the professionals.

rcLoy said...

Apart from 3 and Happy, you are basically right for most of the Worst Singles of 2009. *high 5* Especially with the Cheryl and Rihanna single. Ugh.

BJ said...

Completely baffled as to how you could denigrate Annie, especially considering the material that gets lauded on this site. Hers was one of the pop albums of 2008 when it leaked & pop album of 2009 when it got released proper. Songs Remind Me Of You is one of the best pop songs of 08-09. It has TWO BRIDGES that could be choruses before it even gets to the fucking kick arse chorus for godssake.

But yes totally agree about Rihanna, Cheryl Cole and Saturdays.