Worst Albums Of 2009
1. 3 Words - Cheryl Cole
The racist from Girls Aloud was a runaway winner in this category. In fact, "3 Words" is quite possibly the worst album ever recorded. Who really wants to listen to a talentless white woman pretend to be Rihanna on a Shontelle sized budget? I'd rather watch Nicola Roberts change a tampon. The production is horrible, Cheryl's "voice" defies belief and will.i.am's involvement serves as a constant reminder that Fergie did this shit first and immeasurably better. "3 Words" is as fake and shallow as Cheryl. Avoid at all costs.
2. Paint Your Face - Sliimy
When Sliimy was described to me as 'the French Mika' my blood ran cold and I felt the urge to run to the nearest church and douche with holy water. Surely one closet case with a grating voice and shit songs is more than enough for the music industry? The answer, it seems, is no. I tried to keep an open mind but "Paint Your Face" is an unusually painful listening experience. Sliimy desperately tries to be quirky and ironic but comes across as derivative and pretentious. Mika's music occasionally has a childlike charm - this is just childish. Check out Sliimy's retched cover of "Womanizer" as exhibit A.
3. Echo - Leona Lewis
Oh joy, a new album from Leona custom designed to appeal to heavily medicated housewives from San Diego to Sydney. If you thought Horsey's last album was generic, wait until you hear this hideous collection of uninspired ballads and urban-lite pop tunes. "Echo" is the most gutless record of 2009. Everything is so polished and polite. It sounds like it was put together by a committee of middle aged record executives desperately trying and failing to appeal to everyone. Has the equally shit Alexandra Burke already made Leona redundant?
4. 1000 Stars - Natalie Bassingthwaighte
Not satisfied with ruining the formerly glorious Rogue Traders with her bad vocals and mutton dressed as lamb fashion sense, Natalie decided to further pollute the local pop scene with a solo album in 2009. The media whore bravely declared herself 'the new Kylie' but 'the new Cheyne' would have been more appropriate. I'm being too kind - Cheyne actually released a couple of decent singles. "1000 Stars" isn't a complete write off. A lot of very talented people contributed material to this album but Natalie has an uncanny ability to make great songs sound rubbish. The Steve Anderson penned "Supersensual" is the pick of the bunch by far.
5. Don't Stop - Annie
Norway's (least) favourite daughter compiles all her massive flops and leaked tracks on the shiteous "Don't Stop". Can someone please explain why this bitch is still making music? Richard X and Xenomania can polish Annie's turds all they like but the public has spoken and they're just not that into her. It could have something to do with the fact that she can't sing and has all the charisma of an ATM machine. It's time this soulless robot was sent to the scrap yard. Next!
6. Speak Love - Hugh Sheridan
The hot actor from Australia's highest rating TV show releases an album full of Michael Buble-esque ballads and (extremely) soft rock anthems just in time for Christmas. There's only one problem. He can't sing and no one bought it. Whoops.
7. Hands - Little Boots
This cunt. I've already written about the overhyped and uninspiring "Hands" here. When "Remedy" blew up in the UK (it turned out to be a grower) I decided to give Little Boots another chance but I can't get past my first impression that she's basically the British Natalie Bassingthwaighte - the latest in a long line of Z grade divas desperately trying to be the new Kylie. You know you're fucked when you have Greg Kurstin, Pascal Gabriel and RedOne produce your album and it still sells less than Peter Andre.
8. Differently - Cassie Davis
Cassie Davis is just a bit shit, isn't she? Her voice is grating, she looks like a Supré shop assistant and she released the least cohesive album in recent memory. "Differently" isn't awful (I own up to liking the title track) but Cassie has no idea who she is. One minute it's P!nk-lite, the next she's channelling Fergie. I'm all for variation but this whole album just feels incredibly forced. Better luck next time.
9. Rated R - Rihanna
Oh shut up! I'm sick of people telling me that "Rated R" is a misunderstood masterpiece that will stand the test of time. It's a gloomy batch of depressing slow jams with the occasional uptempo number thrown in to remind you how much fun Rihanna used to be before she decided to become an artiste and sing incredibly insightful songs about weaponry. Sure, the artwork is stunning but it's an album not a coffee table book and the songs are generally dire. The only exception is "Te Amo", which is the best dancehall stomper about a lesbian stalker ever recorded. I'm guessing.
10. Lady Love - LeToya
I've been a huge fan of LeToya's since Destiny's Child and was very excited about "Lady Love" after hearing the amazing "She Ain't Got Shit On Me". Unfortunately, the rest of the album is a cure for insomnia. LeToya's fans are paranoid that Matthew Knowles is sabotaging her career but she's doing a pretty good job of it herself by releasing this kind of sub-standard rubbish.
Worst Singles Of 2009
1. Fight For This Love - Cheryl Cole
Every copy sold comes with a free ticket to fiery depths of hell. Bon voyage!
2. Bodies - Robbie Williams
This shit makes "Rudebox" sound like "Rock DJ". The lyrics are ridiculous and someone forgot to write a chorus. Embarrassing! Time for Robbie to pull the plug and go back to UFO spotting.
3. Untouchable - Girls Aloud
Proof that Xenomania are officially running on empty - Exhibit 187B.
4. Happy - Leona Lewis
And the award for the year's most misleading song title goes to Leona. This line by line rehash of "Bleeding Love" is so dreary and mediocre even her hardcore fans drew the line at buying it.
5. Just Can't Throw Us Away - Hugh Sheridan
Throw it away, burn it, run over it in your car - just don't make the mistake of listening to it.
6. I'm Just Here For The Music - Paula Abdul
Selecting a six year old Kylie reject for your big comeback = further proof that important decisions shouldn't be made under the influence of Vicodin.
7. Russian Roulette - Rihanna
Extended exposure to "Russian Roulette" could throw Doris Day into a suicidal rage. Such a monumentally disappointing lead single.
8. Anthonio - Annie
Oh look, Annie's back to
9. Chillin' - Wale ft. Lady GaGa
Everything Lady GaGa touched in 2009 turned to gold. Except for this.
10. Forever Is Over - The Saturdays
You know something has gone incredibly wrong when you not only record a song Kelly Clarkson rejected but actually release it as your lead single.
11. Celebration - Madonna
As tired as the Material Girl's vagina.
12. Broken - Sam Clark
The final nail in the coffin for using Neighbours as a launching pad to a pop career. It was fun while it lasted.
13. 1000 Stars - Natalie Bassingthwaighte
This saccharine ballad perfectly showcases (the shortcomings of) Natalie's voice.
14. 3 - Britney
When is Britney going to stop recycling beats from "Blackout" and release something as good as "Lucky" or "Toxic" again? Probably never.
15. Mama Do - Pixie Lott
Mama please don't.