Thursday, November 26, 2009

Battle Of The Has Beens - Janet Vs J Lo

The close of 2009 finds two ex-superstars hitting the comeback trail in the desperate hope of reclaiming some of their rapidly fading former glory. In case you missed their not so spectacular performances at the recent American Music Awards, I'm talking about Jenny from the block and the ugly Jackson sister. It's been a lean decade for both divas. J Lo hasn't had a top 10 hit (as the featured artist) since 2002, while Janet has been a permanent resident of flop city since "Someone To Call My Lover" snuck into the top 5 way back in 2001. As far as falls from grace go, both have been pretty spectacular and it will be interesting to see if either one can claw their way back to any kind of relevance. It's a close call. La Toya's less talented sister is currently riding a wave of Jackson nostalgia in the wake of Michael's death but if the quality of their new songs is any indication - my money's on Jennifer. Just ignore that SHITEOUS "Fresh Out The Oven" taster single at all costs.

Before I get to J Lo, I have to give Janet some credit for finally releasing a semi-decent single. "Make Me" is basically a shoddy remake of the vastly superior "Rock With U" and pales in comparison to La Toya's genre defining masterpiece "Home" but it's an enjoyable burst of upbeat fun and avoids mentioning Jan's vagina for its entire three and a half minute running time. I'm sure hell just froze over. Moreover, Darkchild is suddenly very hot again and Manita's monthly liposuction really pays off in the video. "Make Me" could be her ticket back out of Toy Toy's shadow but I'm not convinced. The song lacks a killer hook and sounds a bit insipid next to Beyoncé and Rihanna's hot urban dance beats. Anyway, points for trying. As for La Lopez - I'm impressed. I have to admit I've always had a soft spot for Jennifer. The bitch can't sing for shit and speaks worse Spanish than I do but when she's given the right material ("Waiting For Tonight", "I'm Real" and "Get Right"), the results are usually pretty fabulous. Her hideous collaboration with Pitbull had me seriously worried but the official lead single from her new album is great. "Louboutins" (below) is a real grower. I hated the song at first but now it's lodged in my head. The Dream redeems himself somewhat for destroying Mariah's "Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel" with his hook filled production and the layers of crisp beats stand up to anything currently on the radio. Fingers crossed it's a hit 'cause those shoes are expensive!

10 comments:

Camera Shy said...

I have little to say about J-ho, just dull, 'brand-led' fodder..a couple of ok songs. Janet made some corker's in her 80's/90's heyday, my faves being Pleasure Principle, Lets Wait awhile, and a few decent-ish ones off the 'Janet' album, she's way past it now though, just re-hasing the same old stuff trying to be 'sexy' and ripping off her deceased 'bro!

tommie said...

I'm still not convinced by Louboutins to be honest. Make Me is fine for what it is - a sampler of what's to come on her latest Greatest Flops compiliation.

John said...

Rihanna's hot urban dance beats

Where are they? Did I miss them on the new record?

Janet's single came out months after Michael's death (and was already planned for the greatest hits disc), and Toy's came out days after his death. Just sayin'. And JL couldn't even get through one song lip-syncing before falling on her ass.

Anonymous said...

My money is on Miss Jackson cause unlike many established divas, she has remained in the game putting out new albums, but the j lo's and whitney's take massive breaks and think they can just walk into the door with what they thought was hot last time they droped. It seems to me Janet is the one who has been working and hard work always pays off in the end. Janet is by defenition the more relavent artist cause she actually shows up.

undisco_me said...

The first 20 seconds of J-Lo's stodgy stomper sound like the unconvincing orgasm sounds she must have to make for Mark Anthony when he wants in the back door. It's got more bounce than Janet jogging to her local lipo facility, but I don't think her 'get the look' anthem has much going for it - Do It Well was much better.

Make Me (Lose Weight) is tighter than her nose, and while it's no classic era-definer, it does at least seem like she is recharging her desire to sing songs with a bit more structure than her saggy baps.

Craig said...

both are shit!

Mike said...

John - I totally agree about Rihanna's latest album but I was referring to tracks like "Don't Stop The Music" and "Disturbia".

And Michael's ghost visited La Toya to give his personal seal of approval. Can Janet say the same? I think the answer is NO.

Jump! said...

Both of these bitches are probably asking Paula Abdul of they can cut in front of her at the unemployment line. Both tracks are fairly dire especially when compared to their former glories.

I think its safe to say neither of these skanks will be troubling the charts anywhere in the world.

When are those fuckin' Dannii re-issues coming out?

Mr. Will-W. said...

John is so right re: the new Rihanna.

I love Louboutins! She is a very video dependent artist, so let's see people's opinions change thereafter.

Me said...

Viva La Lopez! The bourican beauty has been too generous in letting talentless trollops like rhianna and CaCa get their 15 mins of fame.

JanFAT's latest shitefest would be semi-decent as an instrumental that lasts 30 seconds. I expect nothing less than yet another massive stinking FLOP for the vibrator guzzling tramp.