Monday, October 26, 2009

3 Words For Cheryl Cole: Go. Fuck. Yourself.

Listening to "3 Words" is only slightly more painful and humiliating than being punched in the face by a talentless media whore in a public toilet after being called a "jigaboo". Seriously, urban pop music hasn't sunk to these depraved depths since Damon Dash single-handedly destroyed Victoria Beckham's music career by convincing her to go street. I can't think of anything positive to say about "3 Words" - well, apart from the fact that it probably sets a new world record for the most copious use of autotune on a single recording. The racist from Girls Aloud proves once and for all that she is a delusional idiot suffering from a stunning lack of vocal ability and charisma. Cheryl has crafted what is possibly the worst album of all time (and that includes Cameron Daddo's country album) and I found the process of reviewing it to be a cruel and unusual punishment. Anyway, here are my brief thoughts on 2009's biggest turd:

3 Words (Featuring will.i.am) - 0/10

Who the fuck does this cunt think she is? Fergie? This dreary, mid-tempo urban pop duet sounds like something The Dutchess recorded when she was still on Meth and talking to washing machines. "3 Words" - a clear reference to the 'Ku Klux Klan' if ever I heard it - is utterly appalling. There's no chorus and no melody to speak of. All that's left is Cheryl's mercifully autotuned voice and some weak beats that were obviously too shit for "The E.N.D."

Parachute - 0/10

Oh lord. The world's worst singer has decided to rip off "Umbrella". I can't believe this hateful troll thinks she's in the same league as Rihanna. Where's Chris Brown when you need him to smack a bitch up? Honestly, this is just abysmal. Faux urban pop at its most derivative and dire.

Heaven (Featuring will.i.am) - 0/10

"I don't gotta die to get up to heaven. My heaven's wit choo!" Someone really needs to tell Cheryl that assaulting a black woman doesn't make her one. Bitch is from Newcastle not New York! This bland dirge is utterly pointless and more than a little embarrassing. What the hell has gotten into will.i.am? I think he's just decided to sabotage the racist's career by giving her all his worst tunes. When was this recorded? 2002?

Fight For This Love (AKA Fight For This Race) - 0/10

I've already said enough about 2009's most disturbing and appalling piece of propaganda for the White Supremacy movement. Bad lyrics, bad vocals and production recycled from Brandy circa 1997 equals putrid pop at its most empty and vile.

Rain On Me - 0/10

Seriously, I can't believe this tragic bitch ever got a record deal. Her voice is thinner than an extra sheer condom and leaves an even worse taste in your mouth. This mid-tempo misstep (produced by the usually reliable Wayne Wilkins) has absolutely nothing going for it. Even Shontelle would draw the line at this sad pile of wank.

Make Me Cry - 0/10

I'd love to see this racist bitch cry. It shouldn't be too hard. I'm sure she throws a tantrum every time Barack Obama comes on the telly and makes Ashley get extra nasty with his mobile phone before putting on "Birth Of A Nation" to calm her nerves. This is one of the few bouncy pop tunes on the album but it's completely destroyed by Cheryl's voice. It's also two minutes too long.

Happy Hour - 0/10

Is she referring to the moment this shit ends? Fantastic - more recycled urban beats and a migraine inducing sample. Who is this album's intended audience? Those tens of VB fans living in hope that her urban masterpiece will eventually leak in full? Or just deluded Girls Aloud fans who have regularly proven their willingness to buy any old shit? At least "Happy Hour" boasts some so bad they're almost amusing lyrics. "I realise some days I can be sweet and some I'm sour but I can't help but drink you up 'cause you're my happy hour" - I mean, really.

Stand Up - 0.5/10

Finally a cheap and cheerful dance number that wouldn't sound out of place on a Girls Aloud album. Co-written and produced by Taio Cruz (who is no stranger to polishing a turd), this is the album's best track but it's still sounds like an Agnes B-side. Forgettable but relatively inoffensive.

Don't Talk About This Love - 0/10

Oh hell, I'm really scared. This one note wonder is trying to sing a ballad. Jesus take the wheel and steer me clear of this crime against humanity. Computer says 'fuck no', deletes its hard drive and explodes in protest.

Boy Like You (Featuring will.i.am) - 0/10

How dare this cunt sample one of my favourite Fleetwood Mac songs? Stevie would never approve! Unfortunately that sample is the only good thing about "Boy Like You". Plodding beats pollute something that could have been remotely interesting. This sounds like an insipid attempt at mimicking the RedOne sound. I have officially lost all respect for will.i.am. This is just gross.

Heartbreaker (Featuring will.i.am) - 0/10

Oh great. It's the musical masterpiece that launched Cheryl's solo career. It was shit in 2008 and it's still shit now.

In conclusion, I would prefer to be slowly castrated by Jewel's crooked teeth and forced to read Ayn Rand for the rest of eternity than ever hear this musical abortion ever again.

65 comments:

Parker said...

It sucks so bad even you should feel pity for her.

But you're so right...

tidusin said...

The only reason why this album's release is good it's because it takes out the best of ourselves. I love every single word of this review.

And I expect the best of the flops to Cheryl, and hope that this will make people understand that she's nothing but another doll.

tommie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
tommie said...

I listened to Fight For This White Love Supreme, but I stabbed my ears with a fork midway through to make it stop. I still wake up in the middle of the night screaming at the thought of that dreary tune. :-(

Paul said...

It's not good is it? As I said on Ademwithane's blog - she's finally convinced the British public what Victoria Beckham never could - that an album of mediocre 90s sounding urban-esque b-sides are worthy of spaffing your wad over.

Give me John and Edward anyday!

Nikki said...

And I thought I was the only one who thought this album was the most boring, crappy thing ever created! Does justice to the sleep-inducing lead single though.

It's so bad I don't even think I'll actually be writing anything about it - not worth the time I currently DO NOT have at the moment. Hahah.

undisco_me said...

This....

'I'm sure she throws a tantrum every time Barack Obama comes on the telly and makes Ashley get extra nasty with his mobile phone before putting on "Birth Of A Nation" to calm her nerves.'

... is the funniest thing I have read on the net all year.

She sings like she's half swallowed a gigantic shit - "just squeeze it into me gob Ashlee, otherwise I'll never hit them notes like them black toilet attendents do before I punch them for being so black".

Nasty G said...

LOL Though I do unashamedly adore Girls Aloud, I must agree with you that this is yawningly underwhelming. I put equal blame on the presence of will.i.am, but girl should know better! She does indeed prove herself to be the worst singer in Girls Aloud (and, considering only Nadine can sing, that's pretty bad...) Bleh.

D'luv said...

DYING over this, doll! Can you believe Katie Price has been denied a pop career, but this bin licker gets a #1 single?

Peibols said...

You all, club of jelous homos. The problem is that you are fans of wannabe-divas who didn't achive a proper top10 (Dannii, Sophie Ellis-Flopxtor, Annie, Mónica Naranjo, las Supremas) so you just can't stand miss Lovely Cheryl Cole doing the top, you bunch of bottoms. Thast's where she belongs, #1.

Her show last week on X-Factor was A.M.A.Z.I.N.G. even Dannii said it was incredible. She couldn't smile more because of her last bottox, but she was happy for Cheryl. She said it on her blogsite.

Because Cheryl is a popstar. A star is a star.

This is the must-buy of the year.

I hope, Cheryl finds all of you in a dark-room, thinks you are black and slap your faces. Bitches!

Fergie's Skidmarks said...

There's not enough mobile phones in the world to make Dannii a bottom!

Jump! said...

This album is the perfect example of how media hype and public interest can push mediocre or horrible tracks into the public conscious and the top of the charts.

D'luv mentioned Gary Barlow on his Chart Rigger blog and I think its very relevant to draw comparisons. Gary was the respected "talented" one in "take that" so when his solo stuff cae out it words like "Epic" and "brilliant" were tossed about and the public snapped it up. But after hearing the album and realising it was crap his solo career went in the toilet til Take that.20.

I imagine Cheryl Cole will experience the same. Two big singles and then people will realise that this is actually pretty lame. And no offense to the Brits but its gonna be really hard to be a white british girl and have urban hip-hop street cred (unless your Joss Stone and even then...).

Taio cruz should get kudos for the only listenable jam on the album.

Justin said...

Oh Momma we better call someone there are some Cheryl loons on the loose!

The album truly is awful but I don't think she was setting out to make anything groundbreaking in the first place. As a Girls Aloud freak not even I can get into this shit and shit is what it is. Actually it's bland shit that would put anyone with decent hearing into a coma. Not to say I don't like a track or two but overall it's awful and I hope the critics rip it to shreds.

The only reason Fight For This Turd is #1 is because of X-Factor and that the public are a bunch of drones that will eat up any bland garbage fed to them. Prime example Leona 'camel face' Lewis but she's flopping now so it's all good.

TRUE FACTS x

V3RY P05H said...

Fuck all you motherfucking jigaboos! This album is a bland MASTERPIECE!

Nicola, Sarah, Nadine & Kimberly said...

I wouldn't be surprised if Nick Griffin starts using this utter shitefest for his party political campaigns!

I can't believe you even gave one song 0.5/10

undisco_me said...

The beats are stickier than the singer herself after all the gangbangs with black bin men she had to undergo to get a feel for the streets.

CJC said...

hahaha, omg
im so glad you're hating on it too

SUCH a fail!

CJC said...

i just have to say, this is THEE funniest review I have ever read

i am dying here

Charleyy 2009 said...

Now, i've got three words for you,
Go.Drop.Dead!!!!
everbody is entitled to their own opinion but you are just being plain horrible about Cheryl and she doesnt deserve it at all! If her album is 'so bad', how did she get to number one with her debut single??......
Stupid tw*ts..

ilusm Cheryl :)

Anonymous said...

Leave her alone, shes amazing and this album is a master peice, how can you hate such an amazing person, and shes not racist at all, ashley is black, if she was racist she wouldnt of married him, everybody makes mistakes and that incident in the night club a few years ago was a mistake, she was just a young girl, stop bringing it up its in the past now idiots

Shes an incredible women and an amazing singer seriously just leave her alone !!

Ken said...

Even though I honestly find listening to the album an utter waste of time when it came out, I have to say at a decent 2-3 listens I happen to like it.

Although this review somehow an expression of hate to miss cole, I happen to like it(the review) as much as everyone did. I still didn't know why she became a racist in 'Fight For This Turd'? LOL.

this review should be given a 10/10. I hope CHERYL fans won't get on the loose here. haha.

Alex said...

It's fine that you don't like her album, but to constantly critisize and come out with such malicious stuff is disgusting. You're making yourself look like a twat, so I'm not too bothered really. Oh, and I'd like to place a bet that if you met her in real life you'd lick her ass dry. Go crawl in a hole you fucking idiot.

John said...

Who knew that Cheryl would burst the comment jackpot here at PTA?

Brian Chang said...

HAHAHAH @john so True... lol

Anonymous said...

Hmmm I do adore this blog but that review was a tiny bit of a waste of time..! I agree the album is pretty much shit, but I do think there is some value in 3 Words and Stand Up, def did not deserve 0 and 0.5 anyway! Not great but not bad!

Anonymous said...

Not that much of a fan myself, I much prefer Girls Aloud's stuff- but what you're writing isn't a review on the album, it's just nasty malicious comments on someone that you don't actually know. I reckon you're using this as an oppurtunity to say the stuff you like rather than actually do a worthwhile review.
Oh dear.

undisco_me said...

Typical, we're forgetting the real victim here - Sophie Amogbokpa has just broken her silence to give a world exclusive interview to Diva Incarnate during her lunch break. Girlfriend has a LOT to say.

Anonymous said...

You are a fucking cunt. I hope you die.

Is your name sophie amigbopka by any chance?? or whatever that lying twats name is anyway.

She blates isnt a racist when shes married to a black guy you thick fuck

Anonymous said...

youre a cunt

Brian Chang said...

Mike, Do a review for Amerie's 4th album In Love & War.. Please pretty please..

Anonymous said...

If its so bad then why is it doing so well in the charts? It's obvious people are enjoying her music.
Also, when you review an album you do not personally attack the artist. You are obviously not a professional.

Justin said...

CHERYL STANS ON THE LOOSE!!!!111111

ATTCACKTR ALL DA HAYAYAYTAAAHZ!

I bet they are coming from crapjustice, the official Girls Aloud forum yeh

Michael said...

Ummm...I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that you did NOT like the abum. Haven't heard it yet, but have had low expectations all along.

Jess Nukem said...

Mike, I want to tell you that you are an international treasure. Your blog is a heaven sent beacon of truth and beauty. Don't let the haters and GA fans turn you into a shrinking violet. You are the clear winner here. You just give your opinion and they are so bother by it that they'll waste the three minutes of their life, typing whatever comes from their insipid brains. 33 comments for a review of a flash in the pan is nothing to scoff at. Kudos to you.

Anonymous said...

Cheryl has about as much vocal talent as a turd that just won't flush and this 'album' is the biggest load of wank I've ever heard, good on you Mike for reviewing this rancid racist bitch's fart release so honestly!

chris x

Miss Halliwell said...

It's really the VB album of 2009...

BUT, the track 3 Words is not THAT bad...

Oh, don't be like that! LOL

Miss Halliwell said...

Ganbanging black bin men, obama, ashley...LOL

Cheryl married Cole to prove she was not racist, innit. We all know he takes it up the chuff chuff...

Isssiiiit?

duanemoody.com said...

BEST. REVIEW. EVER.

Mr. Will-W. said...

I ADMIRE U.

Anonymous said...

Finally someone who doesn't LOVE/ADORE cheryl talentless cole!!
Argh i'm so siiiick of the fact that the UK have made her into thier little sweetheart she is a THUG! racist even .. no sort of role model

Anonymous said...

I'm not even going to say anything about this bitch anymore. You should have known will i am is a fuckin untalented chart hype already nothing new there. When he was in the studio trying to remake a couple michael jacksons thriller 25th anniversary tracks, michael hated him and said he was going to ruin his album and didn't want him to do anything, ofcourse the record companies suggested these 'hot' producers worked on the album, and as you can see, today this stupid muppet beryl the mole has a number 1 single and number 1 album, she's a product of the dumbest, lowest, scummiest, degenerate, intelligence of liquid pig shit collective who would admire and mimic a donkey if it was on saturday tv. it's all about marketing and hype, not music

hello said...

I dont usually bother with posting comments, but im so overwhelmingly sick of this over-exposed, talentless trollop that im compelled to vent my rage!
Her mind-boggling influence over the narrow-minded, idiotic, imbecilic masses - more commonly known as the british public, represents exactly whats wrong with society as a whole - PEOPLE STRUGGLE TO THINK INDEPENDENTLY!
Any buffoon can see that her single is a catastrophic piece of,well.....noise! Yet because of her status in the public eye combined with the power of the avaricious, music killing, commercially orientated 'music industry', this talentless cow has effectivley brainwashed millions of people into a sort of musical self-denial where shit noise is accepted as outstanding pop music. WAKE UP PEOPLE!!

Anonymous said...

i love cheryl, i didnt see the point in this "review" because it wasnt a review at all...it was just you venting anger against her. i doubt she really cares tbh cause it got no.1 in album charts and respectable reviewers like Q magazine gave it 4/5 stars! so she is flying high... as usual! :D

Anonymous said...

Cheryl is a crap singer always has been it's purely her looks that got her far but of course shes fake all of it is fake shes rich she can do fucking anything. She a skinny little wretch that needs an arse coz shes making every fucking teenager feel like shit anorexia is a huge problem and shes not helping shes no 'sweetheart' shes a twat that is obsessed with herself. Go lily allen for telling her what's what silly bitch. Get some fuchin arse and tits you stupid whore. 3 words you are shit

Anonymous said...

Cheryl cole is a nasty little jordy racist scumbag that cant sing and she claims other people cant sing, hahah, shes a little KNACKER and always will be shes been tarred with the KNACKER brush for life and i hope shes reads these comments and see what people really think, CUNT!

Anonymous said...

Why aye, shes a fuckin dickhead, the state of the skinny little cuntbag and ashley cole is a pudding bender, a sausage jockey, a gay boy!

Anonymous said...

LooooooL..!!! This shit is funny!!! OHH MYY!! Lol. True says though man!!! This bitch thinks too much of herself, shes a talentless chav!!!

moiee said...

OMG. This has to be one of the best things I've read this year.

This shit is worse than. . . Well, it's worse than Girls Aloud, and that was pretty dire too. The only reason why it was a number 1 album. . . (Excuse me while I vomit over the words). . . Is because of the media's Cheryl arselicking and the publicity she gets from being in Girls Aloud. WTF! What has she done to deserve the title of the 'Nation's Sweetheart'? Tshh. Princess Diana would be turning in her grave.

Open your eyes and your minds, people! Do you not see her inner chaviness? Can you not recognise that she is a racist bully who has brainwashed the British nation?

Us Brits have now been turned into the mindless zombie minions of this talentless Simon Cowell puppet. It's rather sad, really. :(

Anyway. . . I love your review. :)

Anonymous said...

This is definitely the best review ever. Now for some unknown reason, i am actually a massive Girls Aloud fan...but I hate this talentless, racist piece of shit chav more than i've ever hated anyone. She's a disgrace to the British nation...should be called "The Nation's Cuntbag" cos there ain't nowt sweet about this bitch!!! Nasty bitch who can't sing or dance, is a shit mentor and an even worse judge. I can't wait for this skank whore's downfall. This album is the biggest pile of wank I've ever heard and the British public have become a disgrace. 2009 was the yr that absolutely shit acts such as Tinchy Stryder, Chipmunk, N Fucking Dubz and Cheryl FUCKING TWATFACE Cole ruled the charts...what a fucking pisstake. I hope one of her giant billboards of her fake hair adverts falls on her and squashes her non existant arse. BITCH!!!

robbiecec said...

cant wait for "The Nation's Cuntbag" to fall flat on her puss, who the fuck decided that she could sing....!

Anonymous said...

Listen i hate this bitch and think she should die of aids... however i feel a little dissapointed that you guys would tar the rest of us hard working racists with the same brush. I have seen people fighting in toilets, and just because of difference in colour the public assume its racist? and yet you moan about the brainwashed masses??? who do you think gave you the idea it was a racist attack??? the media machine dickheads thats who. shes not worth the energy of getting angry over so do what i do, if she comes on the radio, play some heavy metal instead and if she and the long trousered one appear on the gogglebox, watch re-runs of shameless or top gear, stop bitching and maybe she will go away.

Anonymous said...

Yes, it's all terribly sad - another example of someone rich and famous that has zero talent - the sooner these people are pushed back into obscurity sooner the world will be a better place. C'mon people boycott the talentless!

Anonymous said...

i love you. we need more people like you in this country. the UK is an effing joke puttting this bitch on a pedastal

Anonymous said...

Join the 'I HATE CHERYL COLE' page on face book. I did.

redheadfashionista said...

Ahahahaha thankyou this has made my whole day. There are no words foul enough to describe my opinion of this woman. Chris Brown, come out of retirement and bring the pain!

Anonymous said...

Good for you Mike! I really like your review. Its a good thing to know that i am not the only one who cant stand her music and also to know that you are from sydney too!! =)

Anonymous said...

Ashley cole is gay, think about it, all this leaked text messages, its all macho bollox, he is gay.

And the geordie lass is fucking will I am, all this torment is shit, he is as ruff as arseholes and as fucking hard as nails.

Its all about the money.

The Prophet said...

YOU'RE A HATER!

OVER 750K SOLD! YOU MAD?

Anonymous said...

CHERYL IS SHIT. She can't even keep her man happy, never mind the public. She is a racist, but all you commercial sad twats who only have a life if your copying someone elses have forgotten that.

Anonymous said...

I believe if the reviewer put as much passion and effort into his own life he might actually go somewhere - what a spiteful disgusting hate spewing human being.. Did she murder your children or something?

CPatrickRogers'91 said...

Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
I couldn't agree more with your review. Cheryl Cole, the self-proclaimed martyr/music mogul??

Lets face it, if it wasn't for Simon fucking Cowell, X Factor and a LOT of auto-tuning this racist piece of crap would still be a nobody. Nowadays,anyone can become a popstar with studio editing and plastic surgery and this album just proves this. Tuneless, monotomous shite!

Anonymous said...

Cheryl Cole is a Racist Bitch! who should have those balls hanging between her legs castrated! One can only hope that when in NY, one of those Black women who she likes to refer to as "Black Bitches" will give her a royal reception and Kick her No Talent White Ass" Its understandable that Simon Cowel would want a Brittain on his team, but to choose this "Racist Bitch" is an affront and downright insulting to the Black audience who watched his show over the years!

Anonymous said...

Cheryl Cole Stinks! She's a Pig! This racist Prick doesn't deserve to be hosting any show. She can't sing, and she can't dance, however, she does give a good rendition of sucking Ashley Coles Dick! Cherly Cole, you are the Epitome of a Hypocrite! A pure bred Racist! Take a Bath, You Stink!

DS said...

Cheryl Cole can't sing, I think that just about sums it up, she's not bad looking but nothing special, has an awful speaking voice and no talent whatsoever, mind you she's done well for herself and good luck to her, I just can't stand the woman, I doubt very much if she knows or cares but I do think she is a completely talentless individual.

Anonymous said...

I can't stand her. I wish she'd fuck off too. Her 15 minutes are pretty much over!