D'Luv (US) writer of Chart Rigger
Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog.
Paul (UK) writer of Fizzy Pop
Rob (UK) writer of Don't Stop The Pop
Tommie (Sweden) writer of Donna Martin Graduates
With Pablo still trawling public toilets across Spain for trade and The Prophet deciding to take a break to concentrate on his studies, I've dragged in the following hot bitches to help out:
Bomitoni (US) writer of Milk Carton Pop Stars
Enric (Spain) writer of Blog Petit, Però Valent!
Bomitoni is a fellow trash junkie and my living, breathing guide to tragic Mexican pop divas. He's appeared on the Panel before but I'm always happy to have him back. Enric is a fabulous Spanish blogger with a taste for Stuart Price and shithouse divas like Madonna and Little Boots - but I won't hold that him against him. Anyway, here goes!
The results ranked as usual from lowest to highest.
Basshunter – Every Morning (Video)
The Swedish king of dance's latest chav anthem.
Bomitoni: That was painful to listen to. Pretty girl though. 0/5
D'Luv: This guy should stick to posting fuck videos on the Internet. As far as bedroom DJ/producers go, I'll stick with Calvin Harris. He gets half a point for whipping out his dick for the masses. 0.5/5
Enric: Basshunter has grown up and now I want to have sex with him. His new sound is softer and I really like it, specially when I discovered that the chorus has the same melody as “Under the sea” from Disney’s Little Mermaid. 5/5
Mike: I used to have a soft spot for the male Cascada but mid-tempo Hi-NRG Eurotrash is a genre that should never be revisited again in the history of music. I like the Spanish holiday video though. 1/5
Paul: I've hated everything he has ever done, but pleasured myself to him a couple of times (he's fairly foxy). So colour me shocked that I really like this. Well it's passable anyway. 3.5/5
Rob: Vile. 0/5
Tommie: In a way I have to admire my fellow Scandinavian for going from writing songs about IRC chat bots to having a bonafide international music career, but his music is still just no. 0/5
Jade Ewen – My Man (Video)
The UK's Eurovision reject gets a trashy new urban sound.
Bomitoni: I was ready to write this one off. But I actually didn't mind it. Musically it's not really what I like, but I could totally hear this being played at the clubs in remix form. 3/5
D'Luv: Generic garbage. Couldn't even make it till the chorus before moving on. 0/5
Enric: I'm glad they used shadows to avoid showing us her full face which is almost as unbearable as her voice. It's disgustingly good, and I love when she says "Giga Giga". Also, to use the word “Intellectual” on a song like that is genius. 4/5
Mike: Jade is all kinds of wrong. Her Eurovision ballad was vomit inducing and her slutastic urban makeover makes her the most desperate UK diva since Lisa Scott-Lee. That being said, "My Man" is such a hot mess that I find it strangely appealing. The Cahill remix is great and the guy in the video is super sexy, so I'm giving this 3/5.
Paul: Well ain't this just a shock and a half. So much different to her eurovision crap. Now my theory that this because this is so different, no one has picked up on the fact that it's a bit shit. She has bedazzled the world. Or at least the 2000 people that might download it (it would have probably been more, but she's sent promos out to every Tom, Dick and Nancy). 2/5
Rob: This is could have been on the Vicky Beckham album we never got. There was tons of potential with Jade and instead they've simply removed her of her clothes and tried to make her some British version of the American Brandy. Talk about missed opportunities. She is so lame it hurts. She uses the word "intellectual" but someone with absolutely no brains could have created this. It is the lowest common denominator. Jade obviously missed the post-it note on feminism. What a stupid and insipid excuse for music. 0/5
Tommie: I want to give this a five out of five for the camp video alone, but the song is pretty standard stuff these days. 2.5/5
Livvi Franc Ft. Pitbull – Now I'm That Bitch (Video)
The debut single from one of 2009's most hyped new urban divas.
Bomitoni: This song has been out in the US for a couple of months now and I LOVE it!!!! It's nice to know that Barbados has given us another musical act other than that hammerhead shark Rihanna. This song is HOT HOT HOT! Though I could do without the Pitbull blips. 5/5
D'Luv: I like the music. Shame about Livvi. 1/5
Enric: You can't name a song like that and deliver this crap. She's not sure who to imitate: Beyonce, Ciara, Alesha or even the great Solange. The song is boring, it has potential but is sadly produced, the rhythm is nowhere to be seen. Featuring someone named Pitbull who sings "oye, mamita" and "baila la conga como una chonga" has catastrophe written all over it. 0/5
Mike: Now this is a grower. I hated it at first but after a couple of listens I'm completely sold. The beats are hot, I love the trashy lyrics and Pitbull's rap is a constant source of amusement. 4/5
Paul: God people love her don't they? I'm not really sure why. I do like the line that I think said "I'm not a bender, return to sender". That is rather marvelous. And she almost flashes her gash several times in the video so you know she's classier than a used condom. Which frankly is slightly more engaging than the song. 2/5
Rob: It's the return of Rachel Steven's ribbons! This would get stronger marks if it wasn't for the lame rap from Pitbull. For sure, I don't mind rent-a-rappers but his "work" is so flaky it reduces the song's quality. Sadly, the money shot in the song itself never arrives. Perhaps because she can't quite sing. Going on the evidence on this single. 1/5
Tommie: The video is clearly a cheap imitation of Queen Kat Deluna's chart-topping smash hit "Unstoppable", but I guess the song is okay and catchy enough. 3/5
Cascada – Dangerous (Video)
Germany's greatest contribution to popular music release their latest single.
Bomitoni: You know I've never gotten into this broad. Still can't. Her music is über cheesy and reminds me of those crappy douche bag clubs where the guys shirts are too tight, and tans too orange. Sounds like all her other songs. 2/5
D'Luv: Can someone please unplug this robot? 0/5
Enric: Welcome back, Cascada! After disguising herself as "Lady Casca", she finally releases a song with her real essence. Pure rave to our ears, and an impressive chorus starting with the line "give me a break!" Amazing! 5/5
Mike: Has Natalie visited Janet's team of liposuction specialists? She's looking svelte and fabulous. As for the song - it's bottom of the barrel Eurotrash with no redeeming features whatsoever. Which is probably why I find it so enjoyable. 3/5
Paul: You know, I actually sort of fell in love with "Evacuate". And it's sort of hard to argue with the logic of Cascada other than there is no logic behind them. I'm surprised that I like this as much as I do, put it that way, but I've just had my nightly Xannax so I'm feeling quite groovy. 4/5
Rob: Shit. Shit. Shit. Such a shame really as she moved mountains with "Evacuate The Dancefloor". 0/5
Tommie: I like it in a way I like all cheap and trashy 90s dance tracks - drunkenly! 2.5/5
Swedish dance queen Therese unveils her latest anthem.
Bomitioni: An homage to Neon Nights? $ucce$$! All kidding aside...I'm digging the beat. I love the chorus. I can't bear to watch the low budget video. She looks like a younger tranny version of Anna Vissi. We all know Anna is a hot tranny mess. Back to the song. Me likes. 3.5/5
D'Luv: Now this is how a dance anthem is done! I'm docking her half a point for eerily looking like Madonna in parts of the video, but the song is near perfection. 3.5/5
Enric: This must be the first music video shot only with a cellphone on the Ibiza airport areas, including bathrooms. The song sounds well-produced, professional but very generic. Her voice is a failed attempt to seem Kylie's and is very irritating. 2/5
Mike: I've been a fan of Therese since she penned "Perfection" for Dannii. "Neon Lights" isn't her finest moment but I love the cheap as chips filmed on location in Ibiza video clip and the trashy chorus. This diva has an edge that a lot of Scandipop drones are missing. 3.5/5
Paul: It's not particularly forward thinking or radically different, but there is something about this song that is entirely appealing. It's a solid pop-dance number that I will unfortunately have forgotten until I hear it the next time. 3/5
Rob: Wow. I love the cheapo video. That is its only redeeming quality. The song lacks everything a big Ibiza track should have: big anthemic chorus, addictive beats and atmospheric piano rifts. Look, Therese is great and I am really surprised she let this out. 1/5
Tommie: Therese looks like she got a sex change, but the song is great and I hope it brings her some chart success or Drömhus might have to make a comeback... 4/5
Nicole Holness – Epic (Video)
A Canadian MTV host unleashes her debut single.
Bomitoni: This song was too all over the place musically for me. Her voice is a whisper at most. Video was super glitzy, but that's all I can say. 1/5
D'Luv: Beautiful jam, and I love that, unlike so many others, she's not aping Rihanna or Lady GaGa. 4.5/5
Enric: I'm almost sure that this song samples something in its main melody but I can't recall it. I'm deeply addicted to it, and to Nicole's voice, which sounds deep, emotional and beautiful. But I don't like her dressed as Lady Gaga. 4/5
Mike: Utterly gorgeous. "Epic" is the musical equivalent of a sunny Sunday afternoon - warm, relaxing and strangely comforting. I love the delicate beats and soppy lyrics. This makes me want to hold hands and watch "The Notebook". Unexpectedly beautiful. 5/5
Paul: The intro comes off like she might be a female Dan Black and my hopes soared. then she sang and my hopes fell to the floor faster than a LaToya single exits the charts. 1.5/5
Rob: Jade, take note this is how to do pop! Loved Nicole since discovering fellow Canadian pop princess LIGHTS who share the same representation (I think!). Okay, its slightly less well produced than a lot of what's in the charts but that's perhaps its endearing quality. I love the soul to this. It has heart. 5/5
Tommie: I've always claimed that TV hosts branching out to singing is the 90s version of reality star-goes-pop - and this sounds very 90s. I want to like it for that criteria alone, but this has no 'oomph'. 2/5
Booty Luv – Say It (Video)
UK dance duo unveil the lead single from their highly anticipated (by me) sophmore album.
Bomitoni: Can it get any campier than Booty Luv?? Can their name be any gayer? I liked it. However, I didn't love it. I'm sure it'll grow on me. 3/5
D'Luv: I thought it couldn't get better than the Elek-tro Lights/Therese jam, but it has! I've had a soft spot for these scrappy broads from day one. Great pop! 4.5/5
Enric: The shiniest video ever, black-Gossip Girl themed. I love all the elements, from the ice fountain to the silver pillows. It’s very near to the perfect rave pop song. I just hope I don’t forget about them next month. 4/5
Mike: I think Booty Luv are fabulous but this is underwhelming. They need to listen to Bananarama's stunning "Love Comes" and go back to the drawing board. 3/5
Paul: My friend Burn-ice (who has invented bubblewrap bra and panties set!) loves this so I am overly familiar with this slightly above average electro-pop tune. I have never been quite as into Booty Luv as I should be. They end up leaving me a little bit cold despite ok songs. 3/5
Rob: It's a bit like their previous stuff but then again traditional never hurt U2. 3/5
Tommie: I love me some Booty, but this song is a bit... lacking? It's just not as good as their previous hits, but I hope it's a huge hit for them as I'm sure there's better tunes on the album. 3/5
SINGLE OF THE WEEK
Bag Raiders – Shooting Stars (Video)
This much hyped Sydney dance outfit follows in the electropop footsteps of The Presets and Cut Copy.
Bomitoni: Wow! I really really really like this! Really like it. The video is hot and the beat is wicked. I need to hear more!!! 5/5
D'Luv: Wow! Really great week, Mike. It's not often an act can live up to being compared to Cut Copy in my book, but these guys do so effortlessly. Plus, I'd fuck the teeth out of the tall one's mouth. Great song, super video, hot guys. 5/5
Mike: Australian electro is on fire at the moment and Bag Raiders have well and truly earned their spot next to Empire Of The Sun and Cut Copy as the next big thing with this amazing anthem. The video is a triumph. It's like an Atari computer game from 1985 - only with nudity and a shit hot soundtrack! 5/5
Enric: It takes 2 full minutes to enjoy the chorus but it's worth it. I love the progression that takes you from the intro to the anticipated explosion (including flying cars). There's a sample that keeps repeating and slowly turning up the pitch. It's brilliant and it doesn't include any urban bitch. 5/5
Paul: There is something end of summer chic and cool about this song. Mike is right, the video is astonishingly good and the song is a brilliant grower. Plus who wouldn't want a strangely sexy (in a deliciously unconventional way) man to call you outside in the middle of the night? I dream about that regularly - it's 50% of the cause of my morning wood. 4/5
Rob: Beautiful video and good song. Reminds me somewhat of Daft Punk. 3/5
Tommie: Is it just me or does that animated guy have a rather big bulge? Though, I guess if I had to animate myself I'd give myself a big ole' cock too. Anyway, I like penises and I quite like this song. 4/5