Mike author of this classy blog.
Paul (UK) writer of Fizzy Pop
Rob (UK) writer of Don't Stop The Pop
The Prophet (AUS) writer of The Prophet
Unfortunately, D'Luv and Pablo have taken the week off but I've managed to round up some worthy replacements. Some of you might already know David, the fabulous exhibitionist who writes Cobrastyle (yes, that is his bulge). He's one of my favourite Spanish bloggers despite his obsession with Rachel Stevens. Our other guest judge is Tommie, who is a former Dannii's Dirty Box contributor. The Swedish bitch can now be found trolling music forums like Togerland and Pop Justice. Sadly, he doesn't have any crotch shots to share. On that classy note, here are the songs ranked from least to most popular:
Eleze – Teardrop (Video)
Not to be confused with the Dutch Queen of Dance, Elize. This Massive Attack cover is currently burning up the club charts.
David: I have mixed feelings when a great song is turned into a dance track. It's cheap and low brow but I guess its main audience will love it. I found it extremely boring. This is not particulary fun to dance to. Believe me, I tried. 1/5
Mike: The remixes are fantastic but this edit is a bit unfortunate. I just wish Eleze would cover something a bit less iconic next time. 3/5
Paul: Ah the elusive "video not available in your country due to copy right restrictions" which puts me off her a bit before I even hear the song. Tracked it down. Wished I hadn't. 2/5
Rob: Boring. 1/5
The Prophet: There's nothing I hate more in this world than High NRG covers of old songs (I'm looking at you Cuntcada). I can't believe she covered and destroyed Massive Attack... stupid bitch! 0/5
Tommie: I was a bit afraid to listen to this as I worship the original, but this isn't as much of a nuclear disaster as I assumed it would be. Stick the original vocals on it and it would make a good remix! 3/5
Kick - Ge Mig Lite Mer (Video)
The Lady GaGa sound has now officially infiltrated Sweden.
David: The Gaga similarties are the only thing we can really comment on. I think it's way too soon for the music industry to capitalize and mutate the Lady Gaga sound into something worth mentioning. 0/5
Mike: The brunette looks like she'd knife you for breathing on her. It's all a bit cheap and derivative but I like their skankiness and can't wait to hear their next low brow anthem. 2.5/5
Paul: I once knew a lesbian called Kaz (who looks like BB10's Lisa) who had those piercings all over her face. People may say this takes the Lady Gaga sound but isn't it really taking the sound of Eurythmics "Sweet Dreams" and Wynter Gordon's "Surveillance"? Which is what the GG stole anyway. That doesn't really summarise the song - sorry! It's only ok. 2.5/5
Rob: I remember seeing Kick perform at last year's Gay Pride in Sweden. Back then they were pretending to be R'n'B chicks. Now they've gone all Lady GaGa making them appear somewhat like a bitchier Lucky Twice which is okay but I think they have the potential to be more bad ass. Nice work girls but next time try a lot harder. 2/5
The Prophet: Absolute scum of a pig. Where the fuck did you find this trash? How dare this chorus be catchy! 2.5/5
Tommie: Due to the desperation and skankitude of this track, I feel like I should love it a bit more than I do. But I don't. 2/5
Ciara ft. Missy Elliot – Work (Video)
Single number two from Ciara's floptastic "Fantasy Ride".
David: The original was one of the few things I rescued from the album and it didn't need Missy Elliott to, ahem, work and I feel the need to say "shut up and let the song play" every time she appears. The fact is with no visual support it sounded like "black" Britney and her Danja-"Blackout" sound, with the video I thought of Janet's inheritance to earth (and Britney Spears must be one of them), Lady Gaga's stylist and even Beyoncé's weird dance routines and Pussycat Dolls' cheap lapdance. I don't know if it's a compliment. 3/5
Mike: Ciara has made a career jackin' Beyoncé's swagga and this is probably her most blatant act of thievery yet. Strippers will be flashing their tits to "Work" for years to come but I don't think that's going to save the poor man's Sasha Fierce taking a one way fantasy ride to Flopsville. 2.5/5
Paul: Hideous outfit in the video. And the song is pretty dreadful. That's not a chorus that's a dog barking. Ooo look, there's Missy Elliot. I rest my case. Yuck. Give me the Saturdays "Work" anyday. 1/5
Rob: There's so much potential in this but it doesn't quite 'work'. The video is amazing but the song sounds so 2002. 2/5
The Prophet: With one swing of her weave she makes all ya faves redundant! The weave spin at 3:30 defines me as a person... All ya faves could never. 5/5
Tommie: I'm not a huge Ciara fan, but this makes me feel a bit toppy Pete. It's a lot of noise, but enjoyable energetic noise. 3/5
VV Brown – Shark In The Water (Video)
VV is hoping for a hit to match the endless blog hype!
David: Her visual concepts are amazing, so amazing they don't match with the songs because the level is so high. I just wish I lived in a world where someone like her could live from her music and could sell more records than Duffy. Let's all close our eyes and let the summer sunshine burn all the bad memories away. I love it. 5/5
Mike: This poor bitch is suffocating in her own hype. VV's got talent but she's not the second coming. Having said all that, "Shark In The Water" is by far the best thing she's ever put her name to. There might be hope for her yet! 3.5/5
Paul: When will the amazing VV be as massive as, uh, Little Boots? Love this song, great guitar led verses, sweet wailing in the background before a killer chorus about a shark in the water. This really should have been sung by Deborah Gibson for her mega shark movie theme. Aces. 4/5
Rob: Heavy with cliches, I've tried my best to fall in love with VV Brown but 'Shark In the Water" is all mouth and no trousers. For sure there's a melody in there, however, she refuses to truly convey any emotion that the lyrics demand the singer own. This is about tragedy and heartbreak. Instead, VV Brown sings the song like she's trying to remember her times-tables. Very disapointing. 1/5
The Prophet: I really like VV but she's actually not as amazing as everyone makes out, or at least her songs aren't. That doesn't include "Shark In The Water" though, which is fucking amazing. VV is all things stunning and fabulous! 4.5/5
Tommie: I keep hearing and hearing and hearing about this girl and yet she never seems to live up to the hype. Stop obsessing about this girl bloggers, she ain't that good and "Shark In The Water' is average! I'm giving this a zero in protest. 0/5
Germany's 2nd biggest girlband strike again.
David: The beginning made me think of Israeli pop about some yidish fag getting laid. The chorus made me think of midnineties summer singles that flirted with the Ibiza sound. Nice. 3/5
Mike: These German stunners show the UK slappers how it's done! I love the big chorus and the ever so slightly over the top synths. Consider No Angels officially kicked to the curb! 4/5
Paul: I quite like this. They do get a bit screechy in the chorus, but it's forgiveable. It's very generic pop though, which probably isn't for me. I like new things introduced slowly (except in the sack obviously, where i'm quite the whore). 3/5
Rob: No Angels, their rivals, will have to up their game when they comeback as "Too Young" is amazing. 5/5
The Prophet: It's so funny to think that there's all these random girl groups existing in other countries we've never heard of but they're really big in their homeland. Anyways I don't expect to hear from them anytime soon since they're scum trash. 2/5
Tommie: Am I the only one who thinks of dingleberries when I hear the name Queensberry? No? Just me then? Anyway, it's the usual radio fodder. Not horrible by any means, but nothing special either. 2/5
Shelley Harland – Friday (Video)
This local talent has been making waves for some time. "Friday" is her 2nd single.
David: Nice song but there's nothing catchy about it, I guess it could work with persistence but I can't be bothered. It's nice enough. On the other hand, the video is amazing. But let's just keep this shit about the music. 2/5
Mike: Shelley's last single was great in an incredibly depressing kind of way but thankfully this is a little more upbeat. I really hope "Friday" takes off. It would be nice to hear something this subtle and pretty on the radio. 4/5
Paul: Ooo acoustic sounding girl poetry pop. Now this is right up my street. I'm really liking this - such a pretty melody and a nice lilith fair production value. Yes, i'm quite loving this thank you very much. 4/5
Rob: Nice, if somewhat dull. 3/5
The Prophet: Hmm acoustic indie-pop, my second most hated genre. With that said I have to admit that I love this whimsical little tune, very cute! 4/5
Tommie: I usually get off on this type of indie pap, but this is just generic and after three listens I wouldn't be bothered if I never heard it again. 2/5
Nelly Furtado – Manos Al Aire (Video)
The lead single from Nelly's forthcoming Spanish album.
David: Don't misunderstand me - "Loose" is a tremendous album, the biggest slice of pop of its year that smashed the competition and fucked real hard on the ass of its supposed big brother "Futuresex/Lovesounds" but it wasn't a Nelly Furtado album. With some lessons learned Nelly Furtado comes back with an amazing song, that lyricaly brings her back to her "Folklore" days but with an updated sound. Gorgeous song, will do well. 4/5
Mike: As much as I loved "Loose", it's great to have the real Nelly Furtado back. "Manos Al Aire" is stunningly lovely and continues to grow on me every time I hear it but why isn't she singing in Portuguese? 4/5
Paul: It's alright. Unlike the Shakira single, it doesn't really set my world on fire. It's a throwback to the more tribal Nelly F of days gone by before Timbaland got his grubby mitts on her. Overall semi-pleasing. 3/5
Rob: This is sweet and I expect it'll be a massive hit in Spain. 3/5
The Prophet: I stan for Nelly so I'm almost guaranteed to love this by default. It's just a safe radio pop/rock track, but she did a great good job for the type of song that it is. It's no "Onde Estas" but it'll do for now. 4/5
Tommie: Oh look. Madonna just got another song to rip-off on her "To Steal" list. Really nice. 3.5/5
SINGLE OF THE WEEK
Chae Yeon – Shake (below)
Chae is Korea's most controversial star. This video was banned in her homeland for erotic dancing and for depicting someone on the toilet.
David: I guess Asian people think the same about this song I think about Guru Josh project or Tom DeBoxer type of songs. 0/5
Mike: Chae is the hottest bitch in the K Pop game and this is ten kinds of fabulous! I love the tacky rap, amazing (sub-titled) lyrics and catchy chorus. "Shake" is so much fun, it puts all her English speaking counterparts to shame. 5/5
Paul: well, there is never any need to showcase anyone on the loo because it's entirely vile. And while I didn't like the generic club beat, it had totally won me over by the chorus. Her voice is quite pretty too. English subs were hilarious! 3.5/5
Rob: Wow. This could be a Korean remixed version of Kylie's rave classic "Do You Dare". Love it. 4/5
The Prophet: She's hideous, but I love how slutty the chorus is so it gets a good score from me. 4/5
Tommie: The music video looks like it was filmed on a cellphone, the girl looks like she's about to say "sucky sucky 10 dollahs love u long time" and the song reminds me of something else. I LOVE it. Close the panel, this is the winner! 5/5