Sunday, July 19, 2009

Pop Panel - Week 10

This was a very unusual Pop Panel for the simple fact that I actually like all 8 songs and would have been happy for any of them to win, which is definitely a first. There is some real variety this week ranging from an 83 year old diva to a couple of pop superstars on the comeback trail as well as the return of a legendary 80s girlband. Is it just me or is the pop world suddenly churning out more treats than usual? Helping me choose our "Single Of The Week" are:

Mike (Aus) author of this classy blog.
Pablo (Spain) writer of Peibols
Paul (UK) writer of Fizzy Pop
Rob (UK) writer of Don't Stop The Pop
The Prophet (AUS) writer of The Prophet

D'Luv couldn't make it again but he promises to be back next week. Taking his place is the glamorous Jennifer (US) writer of the incredibly brilliant Adventures Of An Audio Diva and my fellow trash connoisseur Bomitoni (US), writer of the amazing Milk Carton Pop Stars. Here are the results in order from least to most popular:

Mariah – Obsessed (Video)

Mimi's musical 'Fuck You' to Eminem.

Bomitoni: Mariah Scarey indeed. I think Mimi's producers are obsessed with American Top 40 radio because this sounds like all the shit on the radio. Bitch you're not 21 anymore. Hell you're not 31 anymore. Stop trying to sound hip. Face it honey, you're never gonna match the fabulousness that was "Prisoner"! 0/5
Jennifer: This is what happens when Nick Cannon forgets to refill her crazy pills. What a STEAMING pile of rancid excrement. I'm at my Lamb chops end with Mariah as she nosedives into possibly the shittiest single of her career. 0/5
Mike: Leave Mimi alone! Somewhere a pink unicorn just lost its horn from all this hateration. "Obsessed" isn't Mariah's finest moment but it's a grower and the lyrics are unintentionally hilarious. Bring on the second single! 4/5
Pablo: I don't like Mariah. This song sounds like a Victoria Beckham demo. Really. 0/5
Paul: Had you asked me to review this a few weeks ago, I probably would have scored it a lot lower. I hated it at first. Which is tragic cos Mariah was one of my fave 5 90s female singers. However, it's grown on me quite a lot and I find myself humming it here and there. Plus her mentalloid fans are always amusing. So I guess it's quite catchy and she can be semi-witty so I give her a 3/5.
Rob: I like it that Mariah is stepping outside the box. Its a pretty boring song though. 3/5
The Prophet: I was really against this song in the beginning, thinking that it was a desperate attempt at relevancy on Mariah's part, but after seeing the video I'm now in love. I feel like this is the first time that Mariah has had me laughing WITH her and not AT her. "He's all up in my George Forman" deserves line of the century! 4/5
Total: 14/35

Honor Blackman – The Star Who Fell From Grace (Video)

83 year old diva releases her first new single since the 1960s.

Bomitoni: Look Madonna without the botox! The trash lover in me wants to love this but I just can't. Can someone do a faggy remix please? Her dress is fabulous though! 2/5
Jennifer: Should I be kind to my elders? Fuck no. Cut the depressing shit, lady, and sing songs about playing bingo and spiking the prune juice bowl at Shady Pines Retirement Center. Now that's what I call a comeback. 2/5
Mike: If an 83 year old diva can't get some love on Pop Trash Addicts then I might as well shut it down! Honor is ten kinds of fabulous and I love her classy ballad. I know it's a musical dinosaur from a different era but that's part of its immense appeal. 4/5
Pablo: Mike, seriously... what's this? Even Madonna looks younger than this woman. 0/5
Paul: There's a joke in her name somewhere. She's probably not going to set the charts alight with this, and that's a bit of a tragedy really. While her best song ever remains the evergreen "Kinky Boots", this - well, it's a bit amazing. Love the orchestra too - makes it all pompous and grand. 3.5/5
Rob: Finally, a touch of extreme class. Utterly speechless. Personally, I feel this is the best song ever land on the table of the pop panel. "The Star Who Fell From Grace" is amazing. Honor release the album now. Please. 5/5
The Prophet: I love the lyrics and she looks great for age, but I'm not a fan of the vocal delivery or the tone of her voice. 3/5
Total: 19.5/35

Polarkreis 18 – Allein Allein (Video)

A massive hit in their native Germany last year, the group are now trying their luck in the UK.

Bomitoni: I liked it for the first minute or so but then that fucking chanting got on my nerves! Can we have a chantless version? 2.5/5
Jennifer: *sticks big American honker in the air* I feel that I'm too American to truly appreciate this...not bad, just, eh… 3/5
Mike: "Allein Allein" featured in my best songs of 2008 countdown and I'm still obsessed with it 7 months later. Everything about this track is epic, from the chorus to the spectacular video. The Killers wish they had something this good on "Day & Age". 5/5
Pablo: I'm so sick of these bands that sound and look like Coldplay/the Killers/Keane. Seriously. And they are not even cute! 1/5
Paul: Oh! I was fully expecting not to like this. And I do. It's quite good indeed. The chorus is as catchy as all out doors and could quite easily be a football anthem (even drunken yobs can remember "allein allein" most of the time). Tip - there is a brillo mash up of this floating around where it has been seamlessly weaved into The Killers "Human". Tip top notch. 4/5
Rob: Its good to see Polarkreis 18 finally make their way in other countries. To be sure, they sound like a mish-mash of Rosenstolz and The Killers but that isn't actually a bad thing. 3.5/5
The Prophet: I know this is wrong to say but something about German voices makes me physically ill. I was getting ready to give this a 4.5 and then when I heard their thick accents on the chorus I almost heaved. I don't fucks wit Germany! 3/5
Total: 22/35

MSTRKRFT Ft John Legend – Heartbreaker (below)

John Legend gets a dance makeover in this club smash.

Bomitoni: It's a bit hectic but nothing über exciting. I just wish they could have gotten a real East LA chola to play the cashier in the video. Or better yet John Legend's schlong should have played the cashier. I would have paid to see that shit! 3/5
Jennifer: Been saying for years that soul artists need to ditch the rap shit and go into electro-pop mode… this is a fine example of seeing those two worlds colliding. Very good. 4.5/5
Mike: The standout track on "Fist Of God" is finally released as a single. I love the combination of John's soulful voice and MSTRKRFT's expertly arranged dance beats. The WAWA remix is completely fucking amazing. 4/5
Pablo: I don't get it. Too noisy, no rhythm and nonsense. And a video with a guy wearing Wayfarer sunglasses deserves the worst. 1/5
Paul: Like the Jocelyn single, John's silky smooth vocals lift this above your generic club fare. It's all very decent and quite good at the beginning, but by the end it's slightly boring and monotonous. It would be quite exciting though if John suddenly ditched his suits and turned up to perform in a skin tight tank top and skinny jeans though wouldn't it? (Er, no). 3/5
Rob: Very catchy. A nice try but I sense there's something missing in it? A bit of soul? A bit of emotional perhaps? 3/5
The Prophet: Legend has such a masculine and soulful voice and he sings and emotes perfectly over the dance beat. I love that it's two different genres coming together to create something new. Definitely one of my faves of the year. 5/5
Total: 23.5/35

Bananarama – Love Comes (Video)

Warning. Return of 80s legends.

Bomitoni: I heart the 'Nanas and I heart this song! I can just picture Sara and Keren in the video now as cougars in 'da club looking for young studs! 4/5
Jennifer: These bananas haven’t shriveled up and rotted yet? Shit, they must be sealing themselves in those green plastic fruit bags to keep fresh. Whatever, this is actually not bad, very catchy…but I'll stick to their '88 masterpiece "WOW!" 3.5/5
Mike: I feel like a bad gay for saying this but I found "Drama" slightly underwhelming, so I'm especially relieved that the world's greatest girlband has finally found material worthy of them. "Love Comes" is the best thing Sara and Keren have put their name to since 1995's amazing "Every Shade Of Blue". Stunning. 4.5/5
Pablo: OK, so... they're back again. With a sound that's S Club 09 but with women who are older than me. Something doesn't quite fit here. But the song is quite nice for a summer. Cruel summer. 4/5
Paul: Hurrah hurrah hurrah. Bananarama have returned. Love Comes! And so did I when I heard this slinky little dance number. Ian Masterson has done a great job with the girls on this track, and I'm loving the evolution of dance sound from their brilliant "Drama" album. I've everything crossed that come September this will be very huge indeed. 4/5
Rob: "Love Comes" is sticky, sweet and full of pop protein. This is a wonderful slice of irresistible pop music which is made for the summer. The only thing missing in "Love Comes" is a key change towards the end but it's a tight production which will leave you wanting the twelve inch. Ahem. 4/5
The Prophet: Lame, but I've heard worse before. 2.5/5
Total: 26.5/35

Sally Shapiro – Love In July (Video)

The Swedish diva is single-handedly bringing back Italo disco.

Bomitoni: Anyone who wants to revive Italo disco is A-ok in my book. However I was expecting something punchier and her voice was a bit too whispy for my tastes. Can someone mash it up with some Divine perhaps? 2.5/5
Jennifer: Wow. This song just wraps you up in all of its hypnotic spledor. Beautiful. 5/5
Mike: Sally is everything that Annie wants to be but doesn't have the talent to pull off. While not quite as brilliant as "Miracle", this dreamy little track still runs rings about the other electro divas with its pretty layers of beats and touches of Italo disco. 4/5
Pablo: Sorry, no offence but this is a "wannabe-Annie". Actually, Annie used the Italodisco sound in "Anthonio", so this is nothing new. The video is absolutly delicious! 2/5
Paul: Love her. She's quite Annie I suppose and I may not be the only one to say that, but this tune is rather lush and floats along plinkity plonk. Yes those are valid music review expressions! It's the return of italio-disco-house and I'm lapping it up. 4/5
Rob: Sally Shapiro can be too good sometimes. However, "Love In July" works just right. Not as good as Cloetta Paris though. 4/5
The Prophet: This is the most amazing and defining thing that I've ever seen or heard in my life! 5/5
Total: 26.5/35

Camboso Ft. Jocelyn Brown – Love Alibi (Video)

Legendary dance diva Joceyln returns with another club smash.

Bomitoni: This song is so gay I can't stand it! It's almost gayer than the neon leotards worn in the video. The chorus reeks of the late 80s and that is why I adore it. Plus do I hear early 90s piano creeping its way back? Someone hand me a fruity cocktail and lead me to the stickiest dance floor! 5/5
Jennifer: Infectious. Electric. Jocelyn Brown. The main ingredients of a great club track. 4.5/5
Mike: Fabulous dance trash alert! Jocelyn is a goddess and this is wonderfully camp dancefloor fodder. Love the chorus and the nod to early 90s house. 4/5
Pablo: I love Jocelyn Brown since the 90s. Actually I haven't heard from her since then. Anyway, the song is quite summerish and very danceable. But these so-straight videos really bore me. 4/5
Paul: Oh lordy, I thought. Another dime a dozen club thumper that producers seem to shit out every other week or so. However, I love Jocelyn's voice and energy in most songs and it soars in this lifting it above your average boom boom thump thump. 3/5
Rob: This week is incredibly strong and "Love Alibi" is very good. The video lets its all down so I'll forget the tragic affair and focus solely on the song. Naturally it will be big in the charts however it could have done with some more synths. If your going to re-hash a classic with Joceyln on the vocals you've got to make it special. Epic. By the second chorus it seems to be going through the motions. Nice try though. 2.5/5
The Prophet: Is this video a Z-grade version of Eric Prydz "Call On Me" or Heidi Montags "Overdosin"? Whatever it is I love it! The song is great and the girls are beautiful. The only thing I could've done without were the occasional camel toe flashes. 4/5
Total: 27/35

SINGLE OF THE WEEK

Shakira – She Wolf

The Colombian superstar explores office equipment and disco in her latest hit!

Bomitoni: Reminds of "Ready For The Goodtimes" or "Timor" but I don't mind. I love me some Shakes. Just wish she'd go back to dark hair. I'm glad she didn't resort to a rent-a-rapper this time. It's got a catchy beat. I have high hopes for her new album. 4.5/5
Jennifer: Somewhere Donna Summer is ripping her hair out in clumps, as this song would've fit her better than that Melted Crayons album. Love that Shakira is trying some electro-disco, though. 4/5
Mike: As a crazy Shakira fan I'm pretty biased but I think "She Wolf" is an outstanding pop song. It's incredibly original, incorporates disco elements and has quirky lyrics about being abused "like a coffee machine in an office". What more could you want? 5/5
Pablo: Shakira... Shakira is this tiny woman who sings in Spanish and you think she is singing in English. Most of her lyrics are just noise. In Spain, we only like one thing from Colombia and it's not their singers. I must say I like "She Wolf" but I totally hate "Loba". And the "auuuuuuuuuuuu" sound is the stupidest thing I've heard since the "no lo sé" in Aleks Syntek's version of "In My Arms". 4/5
Paul: Mike totally got me back into Shakira by fully explaining how to merge her various oral fixations back into one super album. Personally I like my Shakira "Illegal" or "Underneath Your Clothes", but I'm happy to embrace the hip shimmying, disco humping diva back into my life. This should, nay, needs to be absolutely massive. 4/5
Rob: Hmmm. As with all Shakira songs it has taken some time for me to like this. Yeah, its not bad & the chorus is cute. Sounds like Fleetwood Mac meets Nelly's "Maneater". 3/5
The Prophet: Although I'm not finding this as brilliant as I did when it first leaked, I still love it and I have to applaud Shakira for trying something so different with her sound. Not only is it new for her, but there's also nothing like this in commercial music right now. Fierce! 4.5/5
Total: 29/35

A 20 second preview of the soon to be released "She Wolf" video

15 comments:

D'luv said...

Bananarama should sing their whole new album using Sally Shapiro's vajay as a microphone.

tommie said...

Can someone please slap that cunt Pablo across the face with Sally's "Disco Romance" album? Then again, I'd expect someone who rates Slags Afoul to be musically ignorant...

I actually had to buy the Honor Blackman track - will she have an album out too?

Love love love the Shakira track! It makes me want to abuse coffe machines on a regular basis.

tommie said...

(... but why does it look like she's dancing inside a glittering vagina in the video?)

The Prophet said...

YOU'RE ALL SO PREDICTABLE OF COURSE SHAKIRA WON WOW WHAT A SURPRISE! NEXT!

HOW DARE YOU NOT ALL GIVE THAT ITALIAN THING WITH THE WHALE 5 ITS THE BEST MUSIC VIDEO I'VE EVER SEEN AND EVEN THO WE'RE JUDGING THE SONG I WANTED IT TO WIN!

MIKE STOP PAYING OUT ANNIE EVERY WEEK SHE'S AMAZING! I SHOULD GO BACK TO INSULTING THE POOR MANS DIANA ROSS, BEYAWNCE!

AND YES PRISONER IS ONE OF MARIAH'S BEST SONGS FINALLY SOMEBODY GETS SOMETHING RIGHT

HEY JENNIFER YOU ARE A MUTT JOHN LEGEND IS A SOUL SINGER HE DOESN'T DO WHAT YOU CALL "RAP SHIT", AND JUST SO U KNOW THIS "RAP SHIT" HAS BEEN AROUND FOR A LOT LONGER THAN YOUR TRASHY ELECTRO COMPUTER POP THAT ONLY SOUNDS GOOD TO PILL POPPERS AND DRAG QUEENS!

AND EVERYONE STOP SAYING JOHN LEGEND IS HOT, JOHN LEGEND IS MY THING I RUN THE URBAN BLOG HANDS OFF YOU CAN HAVE THAT COLTON FORD GUY HE'S MORE UP YOUR ALLEY, CLASSLESS AND LACKING ANY TASTE!

Mike said...

Tommie - Can I slap Pablo with my cock instead? I think the whores from Girls Aloud have poisoned his mind.

Prophet - I'm sure Jennifer knows who John Legend is! Her blog is largely devoted to urban music too. Kiss and make up!

Robpop said...

Ooooh my comment is missing. Let me try again!

I am not impressed with the Honor result. This disgusts me.

However, I realize......

Its a very strong week this week. The entries are robust, juicy and distinct.

However, this is the first week i seriously disagree with the winner.

For sure, Shakira's song is good. But it isn't THAT good.

Peibols said...

Dear Tommie, the only thong you do across my face is loads of cumming.
But it'll cost you 50€

If in you're 3rd world country have money, of course.

Cheryl rules!!!!!!

Ro Ro said...

Shakira? Honor should have won. Whats up with the caps prophet? I have to admit i actually like Mariahs song. Where was Brooke Hogan on the list? lmao

Paul said...

it was a decent week indeed :) I have used that Bananarama love comes and so do i joke everywhere and it's not even funny. so ashamed.

The honor track has grown on me. i probably rate it slightly higher now.

Now Preston and the Sugababes, and maybe Blake Lewis and Mika next week purlease. And hurry back Dluv, i miss you loads.

Jay said...

Honor Blackman is a legend and a truly beautiful woman. For her not to score perfect marks is an OUTRAGE!

And who is that brain dead CUNT who said she looks older than the poopoo?!?Are you fucking BLIND? Honor is 83 and still looks more youthful and glamourous than that baby-snatching old HAG...

Skankira needs to fall off a mountain. One good song and jiggling your small and humble boobs during a mud bath does not make her talented or listenable.

Aaron said...

Not so keen on Mariah, never heard the song....

Wow...Honor Blackman. I'm not even sure what to make of that one...

Do want to hear the new MSTRKRFT Album - Their mix of Kylie's WOW is EPIC!

Can't wait for the new Banarama album! Woo-Hoo!

Sally Shapiro is an interesting one, I'll have to give her a proper listen! As must I with She Wolf

Guy said...

I actually support Mariah on this one, even with the hilarious "sexing" lyric, and even though it sounds a bit samey samey as the last few albums... But Shakira is marvelous... Everything I wanted from her -- obtuse lyrics, killer groove, and it somehow feels like she's got her mojo back.

Camera Shy said...

Great to see the 'Rams back, the song is kind of fun but a little disappointing, not a lot to it and its nowhere near as good as 'Look to the floor' from the last album!

Nasty G said...

When do I get to guest judge? :( And as always, I agree with Bomitoni on almost every word! ;)

Tommy said...

The new MSTRKRFT album seems to have been getting mixed reviews, but I like it! Like that Heartbreaker remix.. Anyway, lemme say, between new Bananarama, Shakira, Sally Shapiro and the latest croak from 83 year old Honor Blackman, best Pop Panel yet!