Sunday, June 07, 2009

Pop Panel - Week 4

Another week, another Pop Panel - and another winner that I'm not thrilled about! I'll be completely honest. After last week's dire outcome, I cheekily tried to steer the results by only including songs I like. Unfortunately, my evil plan was thwarted when I realised I was one track short and threw in some rubbish just to make up the numbers. I should have known it would win! Don't worry, next week's entries will be less Pop Trash-tastic. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm probably going to hate 95% of the winners!

The Panel is comprised of the same bitches as last week:

D'Luv (US) writer of Chart Rigger
Mike author of this classy blog.
Pablo (Spain) writer of Peibols
Paul (UK) writer of Fizzy Pop
Rob (UK) writer of Don't Stop The Pop
The Prophet (AUS) writer of The Prophet

Unfortunately, our guest judge couldn't complete the reviews in time. Hopefully, things will work out next week. Here are the results from least to most popular:

Heidi Montag - Black Out (Video)

Heidi takes pop to the next level with this Cathy Dennis penned gem.

D'Luv: Not even good on a good-bad level, as "Higher" was. Someone, please put a luger in this broad's mouth and spray her head all over the wall already. And Cathy Dennis, you get your tits punched for this. 0/5
Mike: Leave Heidi alone! Pop historians will look back on this masterpiece in 50 years with shock and awe. Well, mostly just shock. 5/5
Pablo: When I have my boob implants, I'll act like her on the beach. Really cheap video, nice song. 2/5
Paul: I'm willing to forgive my beloved Cathedral Dennis quite a lot, including penning "I Kissed A Girl" for she who must not be named. But I fear she must have been on autopilot when she penned this bland tune for bland Heidi. It could do with beefing up a bit and no amount of jungle porking is gonna make this girl a popstar. 2/5
Prophet: I usually stan for Heidi's music but this is the equal worst thing she's ever done along with "Higher". I'm still giving it a good rating though. 4/5
Rob: A tad charmless but a perfect little pop song. It sounds like something else that I can't quite remember now. 2.5/5
Total: 15.5/30

Beyoncé – Ego (Video)

Sasha Fierce sings about a HUGE cock.

D'Luv: Sorry, baby, but 1991 called and En Vogue want their schtick back. 2/5
Mike: Beyoncé obviously wrote this funky jam while bouncing up and down on Jay Z's big, black dick. For that alone it deserves a Grammy. 3.5/5
Pablo: The video is like a decaf version of "Single Ladies". The song is quite sexy. 2/5
Paul: It IS like she is singing about a dobber cock isn't it? In that context the song becomes much more enjoyable. Come back to me in 4 months because that's how long it took me to fall in love with "Single Ladies". 2.5/5
Prophet: Wretched, thieving, hateful, ghostwritten slimebag, wannabe urban, POP tart Beycuntce pulls her usual shtick of ripping off and stealing from about a million other artists on her new single "Ego", but for the first time in her overrated career she manages to do a half-decent job. It's no "Diva" but I'll ignore the dreadful video and give it a 3/5.
Rob: This goes on a bit too long. Like "Paparazzi", it too has a clunky chorus that refuses to be catchy. Still, the snappy lyrics provide the listener a discreet chortle over breakfast. 3/5
Total: 16/30

Lady GaGa – Paparazzi (Video)

The 137th single from “The Fame”.

D'Luv: This was the standout on her album when I first heard it. Love how this fame-hungry broad is conjuring up father-daughter images with photographers ("Papa, paparazzi"). Therapy, perhaps, luv? 4.5/5
Mike: Absolutely stunning. Lady GaGa raises the electro-dance-pop bar yet again. Now the silly tranny just has to release "Boys Boys Boys"! 5/5
Pablo: I'm a totally GaGa hater, so I'm not going to waste my time watching her video. 0/5
Paul: Sigh. Why must you make me listen to people who make me physically ill? Now I know I'm not meant to comment on the video, but by god she's not an actress is she? I don't think i can objectively review this. The song does nothing for me, but there are millions of others who like it. not surprising given the millions that have been spent on launching her (but where did that get Nicole Pussyflaptroll?) 1.5/5
Prophet: I have a love/hate relationship with this pretentious egomaniac, but I absolutely love this song and it's been on constant repeat for me the past few weeks. 5/5
Rob: The song is incredibly weak. There are better tracks on the album. The video is desperate but is its saving grace. 0.5/5
Total: 16.5/30

Keri Hilson ft. Ne-Yo & Kanye West – Knock You Down (Video)

Keri brings out the big guns to promote her flop album.

D'Luv: Keri seems to be part of that new generation of R&B stars who are embracing electro and dance-pop. This isn't bad, but I still haven't forgiven her for the awful single preceding this one—the one with Lil Wayne. That said, I'll probably look back nostalgically and love "Knock You Down" much better 10 years from now. However, I'm docking it a point for featuring Kanye. 2.5/5
Mike: The extremely poor man's Beyoncé serves up a surprisingly pleasant electro tinged urban jam. I love Ne-Yo's contribution but involving Cuntye was unwise and ultimately detrimental to an otherwise great track. 3/5
Pablo: It's nothing new. 1/5
Paul: Thank god this isn't the title of a Chris Brown comeback song. It's alright. God I'm ambivalent this week. I need to commit to liking or not. Ok I do. 3.5/5
Prophet: Mushroom haired Karaoke "hater" Hilson is still a bitch, but her debut album is pretty good! This is no "Turnin Me On' but it's still fire. 4/5
Rob: Same old American pop tripe. Which is excellent at the moment. Hey Lady GaGa, this is how do it. I woulda give it a 5/5 but Kayne West fucks it all up. 4/5
Total: 18/30

Dash & Will – Out Of Control

The Melbourne based pop duo release their second single.

D'Luv: Wonder if they ever scissored the Veronicas? I feel like I've heard this song, or at least one that sounds just like it, a million times. 2/5
Mike: Dash & Will are amazing. I love their new sound but hope they haven't completely given up on the melodic pop rock that made "Fighting Over Nothing" so fucking gorgeous. This gem should bring them closer to the mainstream success they so richly deserve. 4.5/5
Pablo: I love it!!!! Do you know that latest Girls Aloud album is called Out of control as well? What a coincidence! 5/5
Paul: They are like a less thrashy Veronicas. Or a bit like the Puretones who did that ace "Totally Addicted to Bass". It's quite good, but not knocking my socks off. I keep waiting for it to take off and then it never happens. Oh. Still quite pleasant. 3/5
Prophet: Me likey! Who are these girls though? Why are the ear splittingly dreadful Veronicas popular but these girls aren't? 4.5/5
Rob: Slightly dated. I was listening to this kind of music 5 years ago with the likes of Natalie Long. It sounds a Girls Aloud reject. All of which doesn't make "Out of Control" a bad song. Just territory already covered by Girls Aloud (who even share the same album title). A nice song but not original in any form. 1.5/5
Total: 20.5/30

Linni Meister – My Ass (Video)

The Norwegian porn star’s latest pop triumph.

D'Luv: Norway...or Whoreway? 1/5
Mike: Linni is a breath of fresh air in the incredibly bland and boring world of Scandipop. The bitch just needs to stop deep throating helium. 5/5
Pablo: At last something funny! This is a classic song that could 100% be "the summer anthem" in Spain. With a little bit of reggeaton. 4/5
Paul: Oh my fucking good god. Everything in me screams DON'T LIKE THIS PIECE OF TRASH. It's europop trashtastic, and quite good. Oh wait, no it's really not. Quite abysmal in a massive novelty hit sort of way. I'd take her over the blahblah anyday though. Hello new ringtone. 3/5
Prophet: I couldn't even understand a word she was saying but whatever this is it defines me as a person. 5/5
Rob: Lucky Twice meets Lene Alexandra (another very naughty Norwegian pop princess). The processed voice lets the glorious song down. She sounds like the alien from Babylon Zoo's single hit Spaceman. Which wasn't good at all. 3/5
Total: 21/30

Bat For Lashes - Pearl's Dream (Video)

The second single from Natasha Khan’s amazing “Two Suns”.

D'Luv: They don't really make 'em like this anymore. Well, I guess they do! I'm giving it 3.5 points for the song, and an extra half-point the band actually putting some thought into their look/concept. 4/5
Mike: I've been ranting about Bat For Lashes all year on this blog and "Pearl's Dream" is further proof of her genius. Evocative and beautiful. 4.5/5
Pablo: I don't like Bat For Lashes. 1/5
Paul: "Daniel" was lovely wasn't it? And i keep wanting to call this Pearl Necklace. But it's far more elegant and insidious than that. somewhat quirky, definitely off the beaten track and quite delightful. 4/5
Prophet: I love the production but I'm not a huge fan of the singers "vocals". I guess I'm on the fence with this one but it's not bad so 3/5
Rob: Amazing video & stunning song. This is how its done. 5/5
Total: 21.5/30

The Saturdays – Work

Since making Girls Aloud completely redundant, The Saturdays have gone on to become the UK's most popular girl group. "Work" is their 5th single.

D'Luv: Excellent pop track that, like Lady GaGa's "Paparazzi," was one of the standouts when I first got this album. Glad it's getting a single release finally. 4.5/5
Mike: An painfully average pop song from a painfully average girlband. The only thing these tarts have going for them is the fact that they're not Girls Aloud. 2/5
Pablo: Ooooh, five girls on a catwalk! Soooo original. The song is nice but after "Up! (Wideboys Remix)" they won't release anything as good as that. 4/5
Paul: Love. Love. Love. I think the Saturdays really up their game with this track and it's foxtastic video. Plus as a bonus there is a bargain basement Bejams version of them in the big brother house. Frankie's voice sounds ace. 4/5
Prophet: The Saturdays are the Z-list version of the amazing Girls Aloud, who themselves are Z-list Sugababes. Anyways despite their unoriginality I love this song to death. 5/5
Rob: Soccx did this sort of stuff two years ago and lot better. Fuck I miss Soccx. While the Saturday girls strut, Soccx would back-flip and truly "rip up the pace". This acceptable but we need the new album soon. 3.5/5
Total: 23/30


tommie said...

D'Luv must be officially deaf for not recognizing the greatness of Linni and Heidi! Blackout is fucking epic.

I can't believe the ShaTURDays won! I think it's time to fire the Pop Panel Mike, they really have no taste. At all.

The Prophet said...



dishy said...

D'Luv you fucking crack me the hell up. I share your views on Heidi Scumtag.

Also fuck if that PAPARAZZI ain't the hottest fucking tune! I cannot believe I went from a GaGa loather to a GaGa lover

D'luv said...

Prophet, stick your hand up Keri's vajay-Z and foretell her future. That's the only place she gonna have one, anyway.

Subtract Timbaland from "The Way I Are," Lil Wayne from "Turnin Me On" and Ne-Yo and Kanye from "Knock You Down" and this broad would have never gotten any attention. Her singles before her solo album came out which had no guest stars (other than Timbaland) flopped harder than Heidi Montag's original tits did into her surgeon's medical waste bin.

That's a shame, though, because I really liked "Energy."

D'luv said...

Oh, and Dishy, thanks! At least someone around her appreciates my staggering brilliance.

Paul said...

oh no i am hated by someone. that makes two people now :S I should probably remove my line of voodoo dolls from!

Hurrah for the saturdays. I must admit that i was a bit miffed with Keri for her video "not being available in my country". I mean if she doesn't want England to listen to her song, she can't expect a staggering amount of support can she?!

undisco_me said...

Jay-Z has a black dick?

It's no wonder Beyonce advertises Pepsi - I bet she likes the 1 litre bottles when on tour... she needs her fix with no DC members to fist her.

Jay-Z needs to have a big black dick (me and a friend call them BBDs so we don't get called 'racists' like Cheryl Cole) - anything smaller than 5ft is not going to get past her thighs (I am surprised she hasn't had them amputated just so that she can deep fry them KFC style).

I think a panel shuffle could be fun - Tommie would have cheated and given banana face Heidi 500/5 therefore no makeshift girlbands would have won. I just happen to like Work a lot.

Jay said...

This is what happens when you scour the dregs of FLOPjustice for "opinions"! How could the musical masterpiece that is My Ass lose out to the SaTURDays - VILE talentless trollops that make Hoez Afoul look like the Supremes?!?

John said...

Just when I thought a Pop Panel couldn't be any more entertaining, the Comments section ends up sounding like Twink Night at the gay bar. Everybody's one-upping the other divas in the room.

"Work" was a favorite of mine on the CD from the start, so here's hoping it does well on the charts, now that they've scared Girls Aloud into retirement.

Mike said...

LOL it is getting a bit heated in here! We all just need to channel Mariah and think happpy thoughts about pink unicorns and rainbows.

That said, I'm still cut by the vicious Heidi hateration! Couldn't give a fuck about Keri though.

Guy said...

Wow -- Beyonce really isn't singing about ego in the psychoanalytic sense.

Montag surprisingly good... although it's a bit worrying how much her "clip" seems to echo all those paparazzo shots of her revealing her derriere from a beach-side pool.

bubu said...

Mike, you are the master here, and it's your blog, so you could have cheated and pick the winner you wanted.
but as one poster says, the comments section is funnier this way. It's a pity the Pop Panel didn't start a little earlier so it could include latest Girls Aloud flop. Catfight!

Robpop said...

Work isn't that a good song. Surprised such an average song did so well! All the last three winners had thriller choruses. Ah well.

Interesting thoughts peoples....

Poster Girl said...

What IS this? Last?! Heidi's song is at least a 3.5/5, probably a 4/5 song, and I say that without the least sort of "only because of the camp factor" influence. The fact that it's actually sweet shouldn't be held against it. I know for Mike this is going to sound like the worst sort of insult, but I can totally imagine Rachel Stevens singing it. That's what I get for not being able to review this week...

I like the Saturdays, but "Work" has never hit me as the amazing, must-be-a-#1 sort of song it is for so many people; it's good, though. Cheers for Natasha, though.

Mike said...

Finally someone with taste!

Scarlett said...

I'm sorry to see that Heidi got such a trashing! I'm not too ashamed to admit that I am slowly getting into Heidi Montag's songs. For goodness' sake, I've got Paris Hilton songs on my iPod - listening to Heidi is hardly a step down for me! ;)