Sunday, May 17, 2009

The Pop Panel

Welcome to my very first Pop Panel! I've been thinking of a way to make this blog more collaborative for a while now, so I thought I'd ask some of my favourite bloggers to help me decide on a 'Single Of The Week'. The concept couldn't be more simple. All the panellists have to do is rate a bunch of recently released pop tracks out of five. The idea is still very much a work in progress but so far it's been a lot of fun - even though I utterly detest the winner. My poor blog may never recover! Anyway, it's time to introduce this week's panel:

D'Luv (US) - The man behind the hugely popular and extremely fabulous Chart Rigger.
Pablo (Spain) - The classiest (*cough*) blogger ever to emerge from Huesca. See Peibols for proof.
Paul (UK) - Everyone knows and loves this blogwhore, making Fizzy Pop a must read.
Robpop (UK) - The internet would be a wasteland without the genius of Don't Stop The Pop.
The Prophet (Aus) - The Prophet is THE place to be for fans of urban music.

And myself (Mike) of Pop Trash Addicts "fame"!

So here there are, ranked according to their votes:

Mariah - Love Story (video)

D'Luv: No. (1/5)
Mike: Dear Mimi, close your precious eyes and think of pretty, pink unicorns. These ignorant haters are obviously blind to your greatness! (3.5/5)
Pablo: Boooooring! I've seen videos made from Power Point with better music and more love. Like this Gypsy Wedding in Huesca. (1/5)
Paul: Unlike Mariah's ever expanding jugs, this will not be massive. Hideous. She's milking that album more than she is her new husband. Get back to your wifely duties woman! (1/5)
Prophet: "E=MC2" is easily the worst album that Mariah Carey has ever recorded. 'Love Story' is just another one of "E=MC2's" generic, boring and stale ballads. (1/5)
Robpop: I want retro Mariah back. When she mentally declared to her departed lover that she would be his baby. (0/5)
Total: 7.5/30

Paula Abdul - I'm Just Here For The Music (video)

D'Luv: This song would be a grower if any radio station were actually playing it enough to force you to like it. But thankfully... (2/5)
Mike: There's a reason why this was left off "Body Language". It's fucking shit. (0/5)
Pablo: Almost as boring as Mariah. If Paula isn't drunk, I don't pay her any attention. (1/5)
Paul: I'd rather munch out a sweaty Beth Ditto than listen to this abomination again. (0/5)
Prophet: The rumours about Paula's drug use are obviously true because only somebody pumped full of meds would think it was a good idea to cover a Kylie Minogue song. At least do something by her sister who's actually half decent. What happened to the "Cold Hearted Snake" I used to know and love? (1/5)
Robpop: Completely fun. This is what its about. Fuck its history and context. Judging by the song alone, it hits my pleasure principle. Hard. (5/5)
Total: 9/30

Peaches - Talk To Me (video)

D'Luv: Peaches always seems like a good idea on paper, but let's face it; her songs have consistently sucked for six years now. (1/5)
Mike: A true pioneer at the very height of her game! (4/5)
Pablo: Dark! (4/5)
Paul: I feel bilious just listening to it. More angry girl rock. (2/5)
Prophet: Peaches is a pretentious twat but I absolutely love her music and this is no exception. Not quite as good as "Kick It" but fabulous nonetheless. (3.5/5)
Robpop: Yawn. (1/5)
Total: 15.5/30

Jordin Sparks - Battlefield (video)

D'Luv: She just needs to be plowed. (3/5)
Mike: Ryan Tedder is an amazing songwriter but this tune is completely wasted on Jordin Sparks. A gifted vocalist like Beyoncé would have turned this out, Jordin just makes it mediocre. (2/5)
Pablo: I hate ballads. Any kind of ballad. (1/5)
Paul: Sigh. Jordin. Could people stop creaming their Aussie Bums over her now please? She didn't just give birth to Christ or anything, she is just singing a somewhat above average pop song that's quite nice. (3.5/5)
Prophet: A guaranteed #1 smash. This Ryan Tedder written & produced track is like the absolute best kind of commercial radio fodder available. Just think Kelly Clarkson's "Breakaway" album for 2009. (4.5/5)
Robpop: Jessica Mauboy & Emilia De Poret do this sort of thing a lot better but this is okay. There is absolutely no emotion in Jordin's vocals despite the lyrics which suggest absolute heartache. (3/5)
Total: 17/30

James Leon - Purple Heart (video)

D'Luv: This clip leads me to believe James has wiled away many sleazy hours. (3/5)
Mike: Beautifully simple and melodic. James Leon is an electropop force to be reckoned with. (4.5/5)
Pablo: Any more 90's and it'll explode. (2/5)
Paul: Although I think the lyrics should say "my purple head will heal you" there's a lot of melody and loveliness in the chorus. (4.5/5)
Prophet: Oh please, I can't stand this pretentious gay indie-electro trash. Maybe if I was manking out on a vial upstairs at the Midnight Shift then I could appreciate this - but until that day comes, this gets a (1.5/5) from me.
Robpop: Beautiful electro soft pumped up ballad that is magically sparse & deserves more attention. (3/5)
Total: 18.5/30

La Roux - Bulletproof (video)

D'Luv: Clay Aiken actually looks quite butch in this video, so I'm giving it a good rating. (4/5)
Mike: There's something painfully pretentious about this duo but "Bulletproof" is an undeniably delicious serve of electropop goodness. (3.5/5)
Pablo: The ugly daughter from Nicola Roberts from Girls Aloud and Siobhan Donaghy remaking Robyn's video. Sticky. (3/5)
Paul: My god she looks scary in the video. Why is she singing over the backing track from 80s video game classic "Frogger"? Sort of works though. (3/5)
Prophet: When this started I thought "Ohh, finally some electro I like". Unfortunately some screaming ginger dyke had to come along and ruin it all. (2/5)
Robpop: Part-Grange Hill, Part-Robyn, Bulletproof is a rather nice ditty from a terribly English singer who tries far too much to fit in with the Shoreditch crowd. It works however. A success. (4/5)
Total: 19.5/30

The Vanish - Heartbeat (video)

D'Luv: There's only one Cut Copy in my book, but these guys come off as their brattier second cousins. Not bad. (3/5)
Mike: An absolute corker of a song. Fucking stunning from beginning to end. One of Australia's most promising bands. (4.5/5)
Pablo: Quite surprising. I didn't expect this kind of music could come out of Australia. (4/5)
Paul: It lost points for not being a cover of the Steps classic. (2.5/5)
Prophet: "What are wire hangers doing in this closet when I told you no wire hangers EVER!" Sorry, I ran off to watch "Mommie Dearest" so I could escape this audible hell. I hope these Presets knock offs make like their name and Vanish. (1.5/5)
Robpop: Absolutely amazing. (4/5)
Total: 19.5/30


Annie - Anthonio (video)

D'Luv: I like the Fred Falke version way better than the single version, but this is still 40 times better than Peaches. (4/5)
Mike: The Norwegian bore's reed thin, inexpressive vocals flounder in a muddy sea of dull electro beats and clichéd lyrics on this grating stinker. (0/5)
Pablo: I totally love it. (5/5)
Paul: Everything about this works. Only cos i remember all those fuckers who knobbed me on holiday and left me fake numbers and an itchy cock. Bastards. (5/5)
Prophet: Another winner from Norways finest. I love the melancholy feeling behind this electro-pop track almost as much as I love Annie herself. (4/5)
Robpop: The Flirts want their song back. (2/5)
Total: 20/30

So there you have it. Annie's latest flop is my very first 'Single Of The Week'! Do you think the Pop Panel should be a regular feature or was once enough?


The Prophet said...



Thats what you get for saying Bey is better than Jordin Sparks!

I had so much fun doing this though and would love for it to become a regular feature!

Peibols said...

You made me cry, in CherylStyle, of course.

I think Annie's Anthonio is a great song, better than Mariah's. No doubt.

D'luv said...

This turned out great! More, please.

will said...

Hilarity! hahahaha love this concept!! And of course it's fun reading my favourite bloggers squaring off.

I for one, love that Jordin Sparks song.

Perhaps a little too harsh on the Mariah video and could not agree with the consensus on La Roux. You'd think that with all that budget on makeup and the glossy video, they'd invest in some vocal lessons for the girl.

Fernando said...

The post was way too big for me to read, but I loved the Dannii banner on the top.

BTW, have you checked the new video for He's The Greatest Dancer?

POWER - to say the least.


Parker said...

I love this, I hope you don't stop doing this because of some coma excuse of yours. And Anthonio is topping this thing. Yay!

John said...

Good stuff. Always nice when you can give troubled kids a reason to stay off the street for a bit.

Paul said...

hurrah for James i say. he did quite well - only a point or so behind joint second :) VIVA Annie - my 5/5 pushed her to the top :) Bring on next week :)

Jay said...

Is this supposed to be a list of stuff NOT to buy? If it is, it works.

Needs more bare-chested sexy Spanish singers.

Yuяi said...

What's not to love here? Trashy bloggers talking smack about the latest pop songs? I think you have a hit here, Mike.

undisco_me said...

I Just Here For The Muslei will at least make sure the shit comes out the right end of Paula for once.

I've not heard the ohers.

I'm not the trashy blogger I thought I was...

Kevin said...

Shocking! A shit Annie song (yes, I know that is redundant) is the single of the week in "blogland"! Whatever next? A Robyn single, and a Darren Hayes single will also be "Single Of The Week" in the near future?

I feel your pain Mike! :P

tommie said...

"Anthonio" is great! Too bad most of "Don't Stop" (unless it's HEAVILY revised) is shit.

tommie said...

And everything Paula-related is automatically AMAZING. YOU DEAF USELESS SLUTS.

Robpop said...


Aaron said...

I love the idea! I'm with Tommie, Loving Anthonio (What I've heard of it!) - but like tommie - unless Don't Stop is redone - It's not very good....

Tommy said...

This is a great idea! Too bad you got outvoted on the single of the week haha.. For the record, I love Anthonio too, even if it's very Richard X, in that it reminds me of something else 20 years older..