Tuesday, May 19, 2009

An Open Letter To Soraya

Dear Soraya,

You don't know me but I'm your biggest (and possibly only) Australian fan. Your latest album is a veritable pop masterpiece and I still listen to your fabulous 80s covers all the time. I'm completely smitten by your grace, glamour and talent. To paraphrase Shakira, for you I'd move to a communist country (well, maybe Spain) and learn about football (although something like scrapbooking would be more up my alley).

My love for you runs deep. Last year I followed your stunning acoustic tour of radio stations around Spain, staying in glamorous metropoles like Lerida and Albacete along the way. Unfortunately, every show was sold out - which could have had something to do with the tickets being given away free. Not that it matters. I was satisfied to simply be in the same city as Spain's greatest living vocalist.

Needless to say, your selection for Eurovision brought me a lot of joy. Finally you had a chance to shine on the world stage and possibly launch an international career. If vile trolls like Agnes Carlsson and Annie can have "hits" outside their homeland, why not a stunning beauty like yourself? "La Noche Es Para Mi" is probably the weakest track on your amazing album but it's still light years ahead of the usual Eurovision fare and should have won in a landslide.

I watched what I assumed would be your triumphant performance with great pride. My delicate Spanish rose had blossomed into an international pop sensation right before my very eyes. You took to the stage with the grace of an angel, wearing a gorgeous outfit that highlighted your stunning curves. And then your magical voice wafted around the stadium like a fart squeezed from the arsehole of Jesus. It was blissful. Admittedly, your dancers appeared to be recent graduates from the Community College of Móstoles but, as a true saint, you're always looking to help the needy. Your moment of Eurovision glory seemed a mere formality. I even had a bottle of champagne (well, $5 sparkling wine) on ice to celebrate your victory! But then the votes rolled in and you came second last.

Soraya, my darling, please don't feel like a complete and utter failure even if you are one. Eurovision is an unflushed toilet, so it only makes sense that the biggest pile of crap (ie. Norway's entry) should float to the top of the bowl. In retrospect, you were too sexy for Eurovision. Men from Iceland to Azerbaijan were busy doing something else with their right hand during your performance, which explains their inability to pick up the phone and vote. Take heart in the fact that many an international superstar has tasted defeat on the Eurovision stage. Olivia Newton-John only claimed the 4th spot, Anna Vissi came 9th and Nicki French finished in 16th place. Almost as bad as you. And look at all the amazing success she's had since!

Now that the competition is little more than a bad memory, hurry up and release "Para Ti" or "No Siento"!

Love & Kisses,



Soraya - Robbed At Eurovision!


Jay said...

If shitty Kate Ryan can get a deal with AATW, then stunning Soraya should easily get one!

Parker said...

First they did it to Jesus Christ and now to Soraya. That's all I have to say.

Robpop said...

I remember blabbing on about Soraya years ago. One of those summer trips to Spain.

I love you for this and our undying adoration of Soraya. For this we share something special. And walking into toilets at the wrong time.

Soraya is special.
Soraya is unique.
Soraya is unique.

Soraya has her own movie out in a few weeks.


Its called the Stoning of Soraya. I think its about her journey to Moscow.

There might be a reason why Soraya bombed.

And that is....down to the choice of songs. But not as one would expect (i.e it was a bad song).


Its because the song was already "out there". The song had been touted around to other artists. Namely Greek and Swedish popstars. They all said no. Soraya said yes.
Thing is, it went to other artists in 2007.
This doesn't quite work with the procedures of eurovision. They've got these rules about covering. You can't cover.

Now, no one in the entire world has ever covered the song she used. But, it was out there and sung by others beforehand. This kinda goes against the spirit of Eurovision. The song has to be written for Eurovision. Not for anything else. And it has to be written/recorded in that year. 08-09.

Ultimately, this is perhaps why the votes were so low. This time a jury was involved. Soooooo they voted against a song that had been out there for 2 years.

From Soraya.com...

Europa no quiso votar a un país que no cumple las normas.
Soraya Arnelas, que acaba de regresar de Moscú, tiene una explicación al puesto 23 cosechado el sábado y es contundente. "Nos ha faltado emitir las galas y cumplir las reglas del festival para ganar muchos más puntos. Europa no quiso votar a un país que no ha cumplido las reglas del festival".
La cantante considera que influyó en su posición final la despreocupación que TVE ha mostrado hacía el festival este año.
"La canción te podía gustar o no, pero no ha sido solo eso", dice y considera que sí influyó en la posición final la despreocupación que TVE ha mostrado hacia el festival este año, no emitiendo en directo la semifinal que le correspondía y no dando apoyo con el especial del sábado por la tarde que anuló.

Europe did not want to vote to a country that does not fulfill the procedure.
Soraya Arnelas, which has just returned from Moscow, has an explanation to the position 23 harvested on Saturday and is forceful. "It has been necessary to us to express the shows and fulfill the rules of the festival to gain many more points. Europe did not want to vote to a country that has not fulfilled the rules of the festival ".

The Juries gave Spain...an altogether...9!!!! 9 points! And the lame English one got over 200!!! WTF!

They were clearly pissed off that THAT song was there.

Martin said...

Hey Mike, when are you going to blog about the new Nikki Dub single?


No doubt this will go down in history as one of Australia's finest pop gems, right up there with Toni's "Walk Away Lover" and Starburst's "Get your juices going"...

Mike said...

Rob, thanks for the info. It's completely fucking ridiculous in my view. I really have given up on Eurovision for good.

Martin - stay tuned!

Robpop said...

Some more things...

The UK entry wasnt that bad. But...Soraya...deserved better.

Soraya's make-up was awful. It aged her. Nothing wrong that per se. But she looked 50 when she's actually late 20ish.

The Soraya re-release/greatest hits is out now.

Fuck yes! Watch it come in at no.54. The most important position in the world.

Michael said...

those dancers are SOMETHING ELSE.

...are paper bags against the rules of Eurovision?

Mike said...

Oh, the dancers were truly abysmal. If nothing else they provided some comedic relief!

Aaron said...

Well, I'm a huge fan too - She was totally panned! I don't think she should have won, but top 10 for sure!!!

undisco_me said...

Soraya looked like a cross-breed of Sarah Harding and Carol Channing. The Ukranian tranny did it best: rent boys, drums and an old Kylie costume from the Fever tour.

My favourite was actually Germany - he did the male leg-squat dance to show off his thighs dance better than the others.

Alsou clearly should have performed her cover of Kelly Llorenna's classic Before You Love Me.