Sunday, May 10, 2009

Girls Aloud - Officially Retire!



PRESS RELEASE

For immediate distribution

Girls Aloud officially announced their retirement today after weeks of speculation about their future. The BRIT award winners called a press conference and read the following statement: "After 7 long years together we have made the agonising decision to part ways. We're proud of achieving so much with so little and wish to thank all our amazing fans for their loyal support." When pushed for more information, (backing) vocalist Cheryl Cole wiped away her trademark tears and replied "We're like sisters. But I've outgrown them". Industry insiders suspect the decision may have been influence the dismal chart failure of their latest single "Untouchable".

The once popular group first came to public attention on the reality show "Popstars: The Rivals" in 2002, where the five members were selected from thousands of untalented applicants. While never reaching the lofty heights of the Spice Girls or the Sugababes (or even Mis-Teeq), the band went on to experience some minor chart success. Albeit only within the borders of the UK. Girls Aloud will be fondly remembered for their mastery of formulaic pop and their ability to score hits with uninspiring cover versions.

News of the split has been met with devastation and anger by fans. Sightings of effeminate males throwing themselves off buildings has risen tenfold since the announcement was made public, while the lingering sense of outrage is best exemplified by 12 year old Steve from the outskirts of Birmingham who posted the following message on the band's Myspace: "Soz but who do u slutz fink u r - tha saturdayz? lmfao!1!!"

It's not only fans that have been rocked by the news. Repercussions are being felt throughout the entire music world. Influential music website Pop Justice was immediately taken offline with founder Peter Robinson apparently unable to carry on, while Brian Higgins and the team from Xenomania were spotted popping down to their local Jobcentre between recording sessions with failed Norwegian popstar Annie.

Only time will tell what the future holds for the fivesome but some of the girls have already come forward with their immediate plans. Nicola Roberts tweeted about her upcoming appearance on Celebrity Extreme Makeover, stating "I'm a before photo if ever you've seen one." Meanwhile, former bandmate Kimberly Walsh has replaced Kerry Katona as the new face of Iceland.

More surprising is Cheryl Cole's announcement that she intends to quit X Factor at the end of the year in order to care for senile war criminals in the foothills of Argentina. Cheryl called on fans to donate generously to her new foundation "White Is Right". The other two members that no one cares about have remained silent but were photographed going directly to Mutya Buena's London bedsit from the press conference, carrying a box of cask wine and a copy of "Solo Careers For Dummies".

13 comments:

tommie said...

Best. News. EVER!

Peibols said...

I'm calling the Spanish Goverment to not let you in anymore.
So forget about your green card, darling.
My mother says that I can't carry a so evil aussie queer as you.
Fact.

(Still, best post ever).

Dannii's Delights! said...

God I wish the five vile slags would just die T_T

Anonymous said...

This isn't true by the way ;)

Paul said...

i actually thought it was true :P It had me cracking up though!! I love how Lily Allen slagged off Cheryl Tweedy and her husband (but later denied it sadly) this week!! So Mike, you are looking forward to Cheryl's r'n'b album? Hopefully it will be on a caliber with the rap tunes vicky beckham did :)

tommie said...

@Paul: no true Dannii fan will enjoy what the Racist From Girls Aloud puts out! Besides, she's no Rebecca Loos.

Anonymous said...

I love Girdles Aloud but yes, great post. Quite hilarious... love a good Nicola joke.

Paul said...

@tommie ~ and quite rightly so :) I was dripping with sarcasm! Viva la Minogue (D)!!

Hules said...

THIS ISN'T TRUE!? YOU LITTLE CUNT! I JUST RAILED A PACKED OF VALIUM! I CAN'T TAKE THAT BACK YOU KNOW!

Jay said...

Fabulous! I can just see that racist SLAG forming such an organisation!

camerashy said...

Cruel, so cruel! I was quite upset there for a minute.. Mike I am disappointed in you, they are clearly a superior pop outfit :)

undisco_me said...

The youtube clip of Sarah wailing quite the thing on GMTV as they perform I'm Not The Bumming Kind really sums up my disdain for waxed-vagina face Cheryl: she's fixed into her role as 'the nations sweetheart' now and it's enough to make me gag (but then so do a lot of things).

John said...

You SO should do PR for the crestfallen members as they head out to present and infomercial themselves into oblivion.