Friday, February 27, 2009

Deluded Fans - An Anthropological Study

I have spent more than my fair share of time trawling the internet for pop news over the past few years and I'm constantly amused and entertained by the loopy fans I come across each and every day. Interacting with these delicate creatures can be confronting if you don't know what to expect, so I've put together a beginner's guide for newcomers. Here are my cheat notes for fruitful interaction with ten of the most bewildering and unique species of fan currently inhabiting cyberspace (in order of their level of delusion).

10. Mariah's Lambs

The first group of dedicated fans to be dragged under the Pop Trash microscope belong to Mariah. Their nickname originates from Mimi's habit of referring to friends, family and her small army of pharmacists as "lambs" - a label her fans now use as a badge of honour. These critters tend to be as warm and lovely as their animal namesake. Like Mariah, I suspect most Lambs are too high on Vicodin to chat about more than fairies and rainbows. Other happy topics include Mariah's record 18 US #1 hits and her titanic albums sales.

Delusion Factor: Moderate. According to The Lambs, Mariah was robbed of an Oscar for her work in "Glitter" and her albums never flop. They're just really HUGE in Japan.

Warning: Any mention Tommy Motola of Jennifer Lopez tends to throw these otherwise peaceful beings completely over the edge. They will start to cry and begin reciting chart statistics from the 90s, so tread carefully!

9. Toy Soldiers

As a loud and proud Toy Soldier, it's hard to be objective about this delightful species. Outsiders might have a completely different perspective but I find La Toya's long suffering fans to be both down to earth and downright hilarious. Our holy icon has never had a hit single in her 30 year career, so we're extra careful about throwing stones in our lovely glass house. Instead of bitching about other divas, we concentrate on loftier pursuits like making stunning fan art (above) and tracking down Toy collectibles from her major markets like Uganda and Romania.

Delusion Factor: Medium. Even the most ardent Toy Soldier is realistic about La Toya's shortcomings but we're still waiting with baited breath for her comeback album - 7 long years later.

Warning: Any mention of La Toya's much less talented sister Janet is like feeding red cordial to a child with ADHD. Avoid at all costs or face the consequences!

Leona has never, ever copied Mariah!

8. Leona's Loons

A relatively new but disturbing blight on internet fandom is the emergence of Leona's Loons. It's hard to imagine such a useless waste of space could actually warrant a fanbase but Leona's nausea inducing mediocrity is apparently some kind of inaudible siren's call to the mentally unbalanced. Popular activities include importing international editions of "Spirit" and bashing Alexandra Burke. Although it's hard to blame them for the second activity.

Delusion Factor: High. Leona's Loons deny all comparisons with Mariah, claim their horse faced leader has a better voice than any other diva in existence and rebuke insinuations that Simon Cowell played any role in their idol's success.

Warning: Excessive exposure to this bunch is enough to drive anyone to drink.

7. The Brit Bots

The average Brit Bot is a harmless homosexual with a soft spot for washing down a bag of Cheetos with a super-sized Diet Coke. While fairly innocuous as individuals, the Brit Bots are almost unbearably annoying when they come together as a collective. The level of denial on display would throw Dr Phil into a coma. The Bots steadfastly refuse to see Britney as anything other than a perennial victim of circumstance. The paparazzi are blamed for making her fat, crazy and constantly pregnant. At least they're usually too busy discussing Britney's brand of anti-depressants to bother other fan groups.

Delusion Factor: High. According to the Bots - Britney never mimes, she just sings over a backing track! Her photos are never airbrushed and she's still a great role model for girls.

Warning: Christina Aguilera fans are not exactly welcomed with open arms. You've been warned!

Janet - The picture of class and dignity

6. Janatics/Janazis

Janatics are the Tasmanian Tigers of the internet. After three flop albums, Janet's fans are a dying breed. Unfortunately, the leftovers tend to be humourless Jackson obsessives in their twilight years or truly deluded individuals who claim "Discipline" was a worldwide smash hit. Both groups are dull but generally inoffensive, unlike the nasty sub-species of Janet fandom known as the Janazis. These charmers spend their days sowing voodoo dolls in JT's image and get their kicks spamming other Jackson fansites.

Delusion Factor: Sky high. Common cries include - Janet is still at the top of her game. Her last 3 albums were all massive and if they weren't, then it's Jermaine Dupri's fault for giving all the best songs to Mariah. Janet is not and has never been fat. She's never had lipo or any other plastic surgery. Her songs are completely age appropriate and Nipple-gate was all Justin Timberlake's fault.

Warning: Prolonged exposure to this crowd can result in a complete break with reality. A general Jackson fansite is a better option for level headed Janet fans.

5. Al Kylieda

I don't know what happened to Kylie fans. We were such a fun, tight-knit bunch before "Fever" exploded and the dregs of society started flooding into Kylie fan sites across the internet. Appreciating the performer and her music has been replaced by constant bitching and an overwhelming sense of negativity. To combat this dire situation, many formerly balanced fans have become overly militant, resulting in the formation of Al Kylieda. These diehards live in a bubble (ie. where any kind of criticism is completely taboo. As far as Al Kylieda is concerned, the elder Minogue farts liquid gold and rides a pink unicorn to and from the studio each day.

Delusion Factor: Extreme. Members of Al Kylieda have been known to throw themselves in front of Kylie's limo to get autographs (I think she should just keep driving) and spend hours comparing their Kylie tattoos. Strangely, none of them seem to believe in actually paying money for their idol's music.

Warning: If you want to sharpen your bitch claws, head over to your nearest Kylie fansite and start spewing bile. You'll never be lonely.

4. GA-yers

GA-yers, or cunts as I like to call them, are the sorry souls who worship at the altar of Girls Aloud. This sad species can be divided into two separate groups. The first is mainly comprised of teenage gays who simply don't know any better. They pollute forums across the internet with text speak conversations like:

GA-yer1: "OMG Nicola iz tha best!"
GA-yer2: "Soz thats deffo Cheryl!"

The second group is far more insidious. Comprised mainly of aging homosexuals desperate to jump on any kind of pop bandwagon, this sub-species tries to justify their disingenuous actions by hailing Girls Aloud as the saviours of pop and throw around terms like "cutting edge innovators". I blame Pop Justice.

Delusion Factor: Frightening. Anyone who thinks these 5 slappers are anything but puppets of a once great production house needs medical attention.

Warning: GA-yers are becoming increasing unavoidable. I find posting this link tends to throw them off your scent.

Still the girl next door... to the plastic surgeon

3. Brainless Breltas (from the Cult of Dulta)

A Brelta is a highly disturbed individual who pledges allegiance not only to Dulta but also to her equally vile fiance, Brian McFadden. These poor creatures live in a world where your worth is judged by the number of photos you have with Dulta and how many copies of "Innocent Eyes" you own. Multiple purchases of each new release are not only looked upon favourably but expected. Outsiders are generally treated with complete mistrust and any criticism of Dulta or her porky Irishman will result in an instant fight.

Delusion Factor: Through the roof. A group of fans once got together to record a rendition of "Wind Beneath My Wings" for Dulta. Enough said.

Warning: Kerry Katona fans need not apply.

Madonna - a natural beauty according to her trolls

2. Madonna Trolls

Madonna Trolls are the great travellers of the internet. While most crazy fans are happy to remain among their own kind, Madge worshippers take great delight in rounding up new recruits and spend most of their time causing trouble on websites and forums dedicated to other divas. Interestingly, American Madonna trolls hold a special grudge against Mariah, while their English counterparts tend to focus their attention on Kylie. Camouflaged trolls can be distinguished by the speed with which they say "Madonna did it first".

Delusion Factor: Massive. They steadfastly believe that Madonna is the only diva capable of an original thought and deny all claims of plastic surgery. One Troll memorably put her new cheekbones down to pilates.

Warning: The Trolls have low standards. Anyone capable of listening to "Hard Candy" more than once will probably have a ball with them.

1. Dannii Droids

And the award for the most deluded fanbase on the internet goes to the Dannii Droids. The younger, more talented Minogue is clearly a diva worthy of some serious worship but the Dannii Board (the home of The Droids) is an alternate universe unto itself. This is a place where Dannii's next single is always a sure fire #1 hit and Nafensays is looked upon as a holy deity for drip feeding the occasional piece of useless information. I'm constantly amazed that such a lovely diva can appeal to so many deranged individuals.

Delusion Factor: Nuclear. Favourite conspiracy theories - Kylie has been sabotaging Dannii's career from the start. Kylie got cancer to ruin Dannii's career. Kylie returned from having cancer to ruin Dannii's career. Dannii is a bigger star than Madonna in Australia because Dannii's biggest flop charted higher than Madonna's biggest flop. For a full expose on the Droids, check out Jay's riveting post on Postcards From Puerto Rico.

Warning: If you have a shred of independent thought, steer well clear of the Droids and their playground for the mentally ill.


will said...

omg. evil evil evil. yet undeniably brilliant post! hahahaha i must say i am a conglomorate of at least 7 of these!! hahahahahaha



Jay said...

Hilarious! And highly accurate. Though I'd have placed Al Kylieda and the Janziz higher...

My latest Cult infiltration uncovered some classic brainless BRELTA moments - including one unable to grasp the irony behind my username.

I bet nafensayz is desperately trying to get you eYpeeEe baNnD from the internet as we speak! DanDroids are the most pathetic, moronic group of fuckwits ever - especially when they start complaining about her poor chart performance when they (including their VIEL kVeEn) illegally download everything: its no wonder Dannii is a FLOP...

tommie said...

I just laughed myself to death!

I found this lovely old Janet sig btw:

Here's that other picture you wanted:

tommie said...

Speaking of BritBots:

Me: "LOL - no matter how much she starves herself she'll never have hips that size! She's born with baby-makin' hips"

ARE U DUMB ? Or just an ignorant person coz...

all designers draw this way ! is for this that the model always are anorexic or bulimic thin...

even for the fat beyonce or rihanna , even for mariah or any tipe of woman body they draw the sketch very thin or extreme bodies"

I think I was very obviously making a joke... oh well.

Paul said...

fucking brilliant. like truly. maybe the greatest blog post ever. you need to seriously sell this to magazines. and to blogger. Al-kylieda had me pissing my pants. And GA-yers or cunts ?!?!?! Bwahahahahahaha fucking hilarious. You know i struggle with my membership of cuntdom due to my feelings that cheryl cole is truly the spawn of satan.

i remain, your loyal servant. (ooo foxy)

Trashtastic Aussie said...

I love that Dannii looks so at home sitting on R2D2's head.

Jay said...

That is because it reminds her of her favourite dildo - the one that inspired Vibe On...

John said...

I'd say no stone left unturned, but there are so many other cults out there as well. One of the most virulent I've seen is David Archuleta's "Arch Angels". Celine Dion's gotta have a posse, too.

The Prophet said...


Mariahs lambs shouldve been first as the craziest, followed by the Bey & Ciara fans! I hate u Mike!


Aaron said...

Oh You are so bad.....And really charming cover for Latoya post.

Personally, I've come up with very few of these groups (But I've heard of many....) and I'm kinda hoping it stays that way!

Anonymous said...

Absolutely hilarious post!! :) :)

BruDé said...

Mike this post is a classic ! It was hilarious yet so accurate...

Jennifer said...

Mike this is HILARIOUS! Brightened up my crappy day for sure!

I'll admit, I'm an ex-Lamb, never a rabid blood spewing 'Glitter' loving one but still that description was dead on...But I think you should replace Tommy Motolla with cornball hubby Nick Cannon, who is digging Mariah's singing career grave as we speak...sigh...I still have that Lamb attitude, it'll never go away

And I'm still a Janatic as Nipple-gate was all Justin Timberlake's fault LOL

D'luv said...

Oh, Doll, so, so funny! How could you leave out Lily Allen, though?

David Hugo said...


But i am a Madonna troll!

ha ha ha

Scott said...

Another hilarious post.

I don't understand why anyone would want to talk to other fans. I don't need to compete to be chief freak! (But I love you telling me about them ... carry on)

tommie said...

The Prophet - I can get why he placed the lambs at ten; while they are reasonably deluded, they rarely stray outside other lambs and when they do, they rarely attack other artists - because they're too busy glorifying Mariah!

As deluded as the Lambs are, they rarely, if ever, attack. They're harmless sweet sugar cherubs.

Moral Orel said...

I'd like to add a pertinent observation about you LaToya Romania comment: FUCK YOU. I'd be surprised if more than a dozen people know who she is here.

Camera Shy said...

Great post - very sharp assessment of delusional fans..even though I am worried I might have some tendiencies of the GA-yers, Madonna Trolls, and Brit Bots..Yikes! :)

Johnny D said...

Fantastic post - I am definitely a Janatic, and when friends come over, always slip in Feedback or Rock With U into the tracklisting! Discipline WAS DEFINITELY a return to the top (I think it was big in Japan!)

I also became a Britbot since her breakdown,but I think you forgot to mention the Pete Burns nuts out there. Now thats a weird breed!

lexy said...

LMAO omg...this is one of the greatest things I've ever read in my life.

undisco_me said...

When I saw Mariah's Charmbracelet tour it was the most bizarre fun I've ever had without being blindfolded. Right at the entrance were these "fans" wishing to pass wind, I mean letters, to their leader - called Mutton I would imagine if they are indeed the Lambs. She really is the ultimate blind-believer nevermind the lamb-fans. "Paint me a six-pack, I have a concert in 10 minutes!"

Anonymous said...

But where does Whitney feature?

Magical Froggy said...

WARNING: Do not eat and read this post at the same time! I just had to wipe bits of Victoria Sponge off my screen due to involuntary laughter! :D

Paul_Koro said...

your a fcukin classic!

Tommy said...

lol.. so hilarious, but so true! I hope your saving the fanboyz/gurlz hatemail. I'm sure it'll come in handy for a future post haha.. :)

Anonymous said...

ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT, Seriously will you marry me? this was the best post I've ever read lmao, I was a Madonna troll back in the days thank god I'm not part of the cult anymore.

Mark said...

What an amazing read!! You are brilliant and you had me laughing the whole time because you are SPOT ON! Especially with Mariah! I was once a lamb in the world in Honey B Fly, so I can attest to that! ONE mention of a down in Mariah's career, you will get flocks of posts of hate and death, with chart statistics plastered in the middle.

Excellent, excellent anthropological study.

Anonymous said...

somaie said...

Experts have talked about this before. How many times have you read about the importance of ‘adding value’ for your audience? How many times have you read about ‘building trust’ with your readers/prospects?
Many, many times. You know it well. Every marketing guru has spoken about this topic. I’m sick of hearing it. But it STILL bears repeating.

Anonymous said...

I've never encountered any of these in real life, only a few on the internet.

Anonymous said...

Where the fuck are gaga's monsters? They should be the #1 most deluded since everyone copies her and they actually think she is beautiful, (well that is what they say the believe).

Anonymous said...

Where are the Little Monsters? They are the worst of all.