Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The Worst Albums Of 2008

1. Out Of Control - Girls Aloud

The white supremacist and her four hooker friends excreted their 5th studio album in 2008 and it's every bit as vile as their previous offerings. I don't even know why I bothered listening to "Out Of Control" in the first place. I've never understood the appeal of Britain's five worst vocalists or their bland, lifeless "songs" - inevitably overproduced to the point of parody by the once great Xenomania. I can't even enjoy these pop parasites on a so-bad-it's-good level anymore. That simple mercy has been squashed by their increasingly pretentious output as evidenced on "Out Of Control". I thought "The Promise" (the least convincing retro pop number of this decade or any other) was the bottom of the barrel but unfortunately the whole album is jam packed with stinking turds of equal measure. From beginning to end, this is a stomach churning succession of recycled ideas and bad execution. In a nutshell, "Out Of Control" is less appealing than Nicola's face. Without make-up.


2. Dance Love Pop - Agnes Carlsson

Not since the bad old days of Ratshit (Rachel) Stevens has one diva managed to destroy so many decent pop songs with her reed thin voice and astounding lack of personality. Agnes Carlsson is the musical equivalent of R2D2. She has no passion, no soul and no warmth. Listening to "Dance Love Pop", you could be forgiven for thinking that Agnes is completely devoid of humanity. There is, quite simply, no emotional connection to the lyrics or music. It's a shame because the album could have been quite fun if it wasn't performed by an evil robot.


3. Spirit (Deluxe Edition) - Leona Lewis

The most boring cunt in modern music embellishes her already shit album with even more soulless ballads and dreary mid-tempo jams custom made to highlight her incredibly mediocre voice and breathtaking lack of charisma. The joy.


4. The Circus - Take That

I was originally quite excited about the reformation of Take That until I realised that they had transformed into the boyband equivalent of James Blunt. The occasional cliché filled power ballad can be entertaining but a whole album of them borders on cruel and unusual punishment.


5. Hard Candy - Madonna

Earlier this year, I described "Hard Candy" as the musical equivalent of being fisted by a thick wristed dwarf. In retrospect, I think I was being overly kind.


These stinkers round out my ten worst albums of 2008:

Circus - Britney Spears
Viva La Vida - Coldplay
Safe Trip Home - Dido
Peliculas - Lorena
Heavy Rotation - Anastacia


tommie said...

I'm so honoured that one of my Girls Aloud fan art pieces has finally made PTA!

Jay said...

Your review of Hoez Afoul was spot on! VILE talentless SLAGS.......

and that cover is a vast improvement on the original!

Tony Tornado said...

C'mon, Mike, you have to admit that you hate Girls Aloud. Period.
And even if they made a duet with dannii it still would be trash to you...

Out of Control is quite good actually.
but I SOOOOO agree with all the rest (at least with the ones I know).

Paul said...

bwahahahahahaha burrrrrr-illiant. I may not agree with some of your choices (really, does the world need alexblandra as we already have horse shape faced leona?!) but you fucking tickled my funny bone :) God bless you and all who sail in you :P

PS - next year i'm terrified you will hate Simon Curtis and call his album Falter Boy!!!

ken said...

this is effin' funny! I can't agree on the Girls Aloud one though. Haha. :))

I defo agree on the Madonna album. It's hideous.

Anonymous said...

Great reviews, expecially Girls Aloud - that album is awful!! But why the hate for Britney Spears Circus?

Peibols said...

You know we can't marry if you keep saying that SO horrible things about lovely Cheryl, trannyNadine, fat-girl-slim Kimbah, drunk'em all Sarah and just Nicola.
Really, if they interview you for the spanish green card and they know that you hate'em they'll never allow us to get married. Fact!

It's up to you.

Jamie_movietrip said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jamie_movietrip said...

What a wretched assortment of utter dross! There's no excuse for Girls Aloud, they really should just get back to posing for Nuts, or in Nicola's case back on the fries at McDonalds. I love all your reviews, thankfully I never suffered through any of them, except for some clips of Madonna - sometimes 30 second clips just aren't enough to judge an album, in this case it seemed like an eternity... I'd add Mary J Blige's recent pile of crap to the list. I loved the single - Just Fine. But the album was a major let down, I was at Woolies 90% off final day sale today and virtually all that was left was 40 copies of her album and a lone Jane McDonald CD, 'nuff said.

Justin said...

LOL @ the Girls Aloud cover

I couldn't agree with you more about Leona camel face, Take That, and Madonna's latest turd. Glad to see Coldplay, Shitney, and Anastacia rounding out the worst of 2008!

Benny said...

You have no taste whatsoever, in my opionon. Agnes is a wonderful singer and her latest album is so great I am lost for words to describe it.

But I guess some people just don´t know great music when they hear it.

Jay said...

I shall be doing my worst list tomorrow!

Johnny D said...

Can't stand girls aloud, but I secretly downloaded "The Loving Kind" cause it's written by the Pet Shop Boys.

But i agree with Anonymous - more love for Britney please. As with Kylie, the secret to Britney's albums are the unreleased tracks. I highly recommend "Amnesia" and "Trouble". And the Circus and Womanizer film clips are great!

But I am with you on Hard Candy. I am sick of seeing Madonna's Vadge hanging out. PUT IT AWAY.

Martin said...

Hmmmm... I just don't understand the hate for Girls Aloud. Is it because of their personalities or the music? Their songs (up until out of control) have always been sexed up, fun, with laughably bad lyrics (all selling points if you ask me). I mean, Live in the Country contains snorting pigs for christ sake... That's gotta rate at least a 5 on your pop trash scale.

John said...

While I don't agree with the list 100% (I actually enjoyed the Britney and Coldplay CDs from start to finish), some folks need to get a life. We all slag our least favorites out here on the Internet, so live and let live, y'all. Write your own post praising or trashing whoever you want to!

Martin said...

Perhaps this "Loving Kind" remix might turn you over to the girls....

certified gold!

D'luv said...

Once again, PTA proves to be the barometer of class and the beacon of justice in the corrupt land of trash pop.

Teach the children discipline, Mike. TEACH THEM!!!!

Anonymous said...

hmmm not feeling your hate for GA... I bet you're secretly putting on a Cheryl wig and mouthing "Ashley.... !! Ohh Ashley" ... well he is pretty shaggable for a total bogan.

Arlen said...

You possibly have the WORST taste ever!
Girls Aloud are by far the greatest band to ever grace this earth... I just can't see why anybody wouldn't like them - they're brilliant!

Also only 4 albums on your best of list are actually good... Lady Gaga, September, Ashlee Simpson & Jessica Mauboy - the rest, not so good.

And your worst albums list...
Madonna, Leona, Take That, Britney, Coldplay & Anastacia - all great albums.
I think Agnes' album would probably be good as well but I have not listened to it yet.

Mike, you are a bad gay :(

Jamie said...

Well I'm not going to say anything about Leona as we've already had the debate and I love the soppy doe eyes bitch. However, the evil Agnes has her eyes set on Eurovision for Sweden which I'm not happy about!!!

notofthisworld said...

"The white supremacist and her four hooker friends excreted their 5th studio album in 2008 and it's every bit as vile as their previous offerings."

Mike, I know we've never met, but I love you and want your hand in marriage.

I have never understood the appeal behind any Girls Alound song.

Though, I kinda like Nicola, just because she always looks like she hates being around the rest of them.

It's Them said...

Hilarious Mike! You rock! Isn't there some twat blogger who said Girls Aloud are the best group ever? Even better than ABBA?

And Madge The Cryptkeeper? All those 6 whores should die!

Adem With An E said...

Hello It's Them. That "twat blogger" was me.

It's called having a personal opinion on things when it comes to music. I don't shoot others down for having theirs.

Anonymous said...

LOLOLOL you call the best album of the year the worst, while a vile piece of shit from the 80s with an album of generic pop songs gets the best? LOLOL

Robert said...

Stumbled across your Blog, and was enjoying your rants....until you listed Dido's "Safe Trip Home" among your worst for 2008. Dido writes, plays, and delivers a deeper, harder album (dealing with her father's death, no less) than anyone else on your blog, and you consider that "worst" in the world for 2008? Q magazine listed it in their 50 Best for 2008.
It's like you were reviewing fast food outlets, but included one fine French restaurant by mistake. Then rubbished it on the grounds you couldn't pronounce it's name.

dantheagnesfan said...

Stop publishing such insulting nonsense - Agnes is the best new singer to come to light this decade!