Thursday, December 04, 2008

Hola Chicos!

It's the early hours of the morning and I can't sleep. The journey home from Berlin to Sydney (via Munich, Helsinki and Hong Kong!) took the best part of 3 days due to snow storms and missed connections but all the fatigue I've been feeling from my epic hellride has strangely vanished. I'm not sure if it's the excitement of being back or just the onset of jetlag but I thought I would make the most of this weird burst of energy by updating this dump. There's so much I want to write about: Beyonce finally making a decent album, the sad demise of Central Station (RIP), Ruth's shocking exit from X Factor - not to mention the CD reviews I've started to write for Tina Arena, Jess Mauboy and half a dozen or so other divas. However, the focus of this post isn't an act or an album but a city. Madrid. I've tried to avoid writing about my trip as much as possible because - let's face it - other people's lives are fucking boring. I get it. I'd rather listen to Leona Lewis than read about some arsehole's trashy holiday but my stay in Madrid was so intrinsically linked to this blog and had such a huge impact on my listening habits that it doesn't seem right to re-open it without paying proper tribute. So here goes...

Hanging with the Spanish gays

My first taste of Madrid in July only lasted a couple of days and while I never actually left Chueca (the gay ghetto) or managed to attain full sobriety, I was absolutely hooked - largely due to the fabulous time I had hanging out with Dannii's gay Spanish fans. I promised to return and after several failed attempts, finally made it back in late October. I could write a novel about my Spanish sabbatical, so I'll try to stick to the weekend that irrevocably changed my taste in music. The plan was to reunite with Pablo (Huesca's answer to Perez Hilton), Fernando (Chart bitch extraordinaire) and Tony Tornado (Madrid's infamous cockflasher). Tony invited me to stay with him and his gorgeous boyfriend but I arrived early and decided to kill some time by having a quick drink in a bar. To cut a long story short, I sat there for 5 hours drinking with some really desperate housewives and a Mexican tranny. Amazingly, I still somehow managed to find Tony's apartment and we chatted about important world events (like Kylie's new hairstyle) until we left to meet Fernando for dinner at Root. My first reunion was a bit of a blur due to lack of sleep and one too many G&Ts but I distinctly remember being impressed by Fer's Platinum membership card.

HOT: The sexy guys. Everywhere.
NOT: Atoche's toilets. I just wanted to piss.

Some of my Spanish treasures

Friday morning was spent nursing a hangover and CD shopping. I started at FNAC (kind of like the Spanish equivalent of HMV) and spent a small fortune stocking up on classy divas like Soraya, Edurne and er... Gloria Arana. The second hand stores were next on the agenda. I found some old Marta Sanchez CDs and picked up Lorena's craptastic debut for 1 Euro but the real find was finally getting my hands on the Spanish edition of Dannii's "He's The Greatest Dancer". Many thanks to Jay for kindly begging the owner to put it aside for me! By mid-afternoon I was feeling a little parched and decided to get pissed delve into Spanish culture by testing the local beer. It turned out to be good practice for the evening ahead.

HOT: VIPS - like McDonald's, only classier.
NOT: Tortilla bocadillos. Egg and potato do NOT belong on a bread roll!

Spanish Tiny Teddies!

The night kicked off in the innocent surrounds of a comic book store, where Tony and I met up with Fernando and Parker (The Fergie of Elche). It was great to finally meet Parker in the flesh and we broke the ice by talking about Dazzler. We then moved on to a bar in the spiritual heart of Madrid (Chueca) where I got to meet Parker's lovely boyfriend Coque and caught up with Roberto and the demented Body Language. After a few drinks (a recurring theme, I know) we were lost in discussion about all things pop - the genius of Pascal Gabriel, Leona Lewis' personality bypass, the fact that "E=MC²" is a massive improvement on "The Emancipation Of Mimi" and Fergie's undeniable role as the spokeswoman of our generation. After letting slip that I was underwhelmed by Monica Naranjo, Parker was compelled to deliver an amazing lecture on her virtues. For what felt like the next 4 hours. I'm thankful for his dedication because now I can't imagine life without her music on my Ipod. Pablo finally arrived after travelling from Huesca - probably on the back of a donkey - and we were ready to head to the restaurant.

HOT: Mercedes Milla. The best TV hostess EVER!
NOT: Pablo's evil campaign to break Girls Aloud in Spain.

You should see him eat a banana

The Mexican restaurant immediately got my seal of approval when I realised they sold margueritas by the litre. Who cares about the food when you can drink out of a bucket? It was great to meet some of Pablo's other friends, particularly the lovely Marta and Madrid's finest DJs - Julian and Antonio. Julian was even kind enough to introduce me to Spain's answer to Bananarama, the fabulous Chicass. After "eating" we headed over to another bar where they played Soraya (twice!) and Kylie's "In My Arms". However, that's nothing in comparison to the music on offer at Polana, which could well be the trashiest nightclub in the world. Well, the second trashiest after Palms. Needless to say, I was in heaven. I begged the DJ to spin some Dannii and I'll never forget getting down to Dannii's Spanish megahit "He's The Greatest Dancer" with Dannii's sexy Spanish fans in Spain. Bliss. Other highlights from the night include Pablo getting with a guy dressed as Jack Skellington from "The Nightmare Before Christmas" (it was Halloween), Fernando stealing someone's cape (!) and Antonio unveiling the 7th wonder of the world - Madrid's amazing mussy.

HOT: Antonio's mussy.
NOT: Going home with the owner of the smallest cock in Madrid.

Madrid's holy mussy

I can't remember doing anything on Saturday apart from drinking lots of water but I was more than happy to do it all over again come nightfall. The group managed to expand even further and it was great to see the two Dans and Paco again. After finishing our Chinese feast we went to hear Julian and Antonio play a set. Julian's selection of 80s classics was an absolute treat (Kylie's "Hand On Your Heart" and "Turn It Into Love", not to mention Spagna's "Call Me"!), while Antonio momentarily invoked my wrath by playing Girls Aloud. I would have vomited but I didn't want to waste my alcohol. We then moved on to Elastica, a club that slightly reminds me of Arq. While the surrounds were considerably more chic than Polana, the music was just as trashy. They played Aqua and Paris Hilton! Highlights from the night include the music cutting out every 5 minutes, Parker and Coque's raunchy dancefloor antics and the DJ singing over every track in a heavy Spanish accent. The night ended with an after party at Tony's where we watched "Body Language Live" and Paola & Chiara's Greatest Hits DVD. A perfect end to a fantastic weekend.

HOT: Ordering San Gria with Chinese food.
NOT: Soraya's concert debacle.

Like "Skins" only better - the best TV show ever!

So what else did I get up to in Madrid? Well, after all the recommendations I received, I went absolutely nuts shopping for music. I think I ended up leaving Spain with 50+ CDs! I also had the chance to meet one of my favourite pop acts in the whole, wide world but that little adventure deserves a post of its own. Apart from that I became hooked on the greatest TV show in history ("Fisica O Quimica") and spent a lot of time in bars and restaurants - just hanging out with friends and meeting people. I'm the first to admit that I'm not a very good tourist. I have no interest in churches, museums, castles or any of that Lonely Planet crap. If I want to look at a decaying monstrosity, I'll just google Madonna. That said, I did actually leave Chueca this time around and what I saw of the city was absolutely enchanting. However, when I think of the Madrid, it wont be the Prado or El Retiro that come to mind but the food, the incredible pop music and most of all the warm and wonderful people. I can't wait to go back.

Fisica O Quimica - featuring my future husband Miguel in the shower and a woman pissing


Peibols said...

Fucking best post EVER!

Really, FACT!

I'd sell all my Girls Aloud CDs, just for you to get the green card, really.

See you... ASAP

Tony Tornado said...

I got a little bit emiotonal with the post...
Missing you already!!!!

Come back SOON!!!!

You're the funniest krazy kangooroo!

Poster Girl said...

Oh, man, Mike...AMAZING. That's the word for both the post and the time it sounds like you had...and the fact that you're back! I think you may need to start up a blogger fund to get you back to Spain just so we can get more posts like this, though.

Jay said...

Fabulous! Though I still maintain that Madrid is a complete shithole full of egotistical tossers - I blame Skeletor Spice and Wife who they all seem to idolise - though I did only spend a few (very drunken) hours in Chueca without any Dannii loving Spanish Gays... I'm just glad you manged to find that 2nd Hand record shop.

Next time we should make sure our holidays are better coordinated so I'm not flying out as you are flying in.

Miss Halliwell said...


Glad to see you enjoyed many cock flashing, Dannii loving gays!

I am sure you left out the bits about orgies with the cheeky girls and recording your disco album in a spanish villa!

Your pics are great and you look so bemused (or is that scared) in the 'hanging with the spanish gays' photo.

I have never encountered any spanish gay Dan Fans. It's very hard to find Dannii fans outside of the Minogue family actually! LOL

Are you going to go live in Spain? That would be so HoliDannii-esque!

Buenos Tardes!

Miss H

Parker said...

Fabolous post. I particulary loved the part where you said Mercedes Mila is the greatest TV host in Spain. The Chiquilin Ositos, Fisica O Quimica... you've just became one of us spanish barbarians, you only need some crazy kissing on the dancefloor to get the green card.
Can't wait to see your music reviews about the great discoveries you've found in Spain but if you don't send us all your photos I would have to send Leona over there to hum something on your ear.
Miss you, bitch.

JoseViruete said...

Glad to see that you got such a good time here.
I didn't know that you were into comic book,I love 70s Dazzler! Fisica & quimica is cool and Chicasss is too. I think I know who Julian is, this is a small world after all.

Anonymous said...

Well, it looks like you had a fucking amazing time Mike, loved reading this trashy post about your hols and it's great to see you got so many CD's while there! And spanish Dan fans! Sounds good to me!

Heavy crisco xx

Aaron said...

Loving hearing about your trip - A NSFW warning would have been nice....

I'm loving the Soraya album though :)

Mike said...

Pablo - You don't need to sell your awful cds. Just accept my marriage proposal!

Tony - Miss you too X

PPG - Fabulous idea. I accept all cheques, money orders & credit cards!

Aww Jay, Madrid is lovely. Thanks again for finding the CD for me.

Deirdre - You're back! I thought you had died of old age. Hurry up and send me an email!

Parker - Mercedes is GOD. End of.

Jose - I had no idea you lived in Madrid. We'll have to meet up next time!

Chris - I needed to buy a new bag for all my purchases. I love them but I'm terrified of my credit card bill....

Hey, Aaron. What's a little mussy between friends?

Jamie said...

Sounds like you had a fabulous time. And I thought our night at the Black Cap was tragic!!!