I've always suspected that there was something not quite right about Cheryl Cole. It's almost impossible to fathom how someone so spectacularly void of talent and charisma could become a star - let alone be deemed fit to judge the X Factor alongside pop royalty like Dannii Minogue! I can only think of one plausible explanation. Cheryl is obviously a demon sent from the fiery realms of hell to strip heavenly Dannii of her X Factor spotlight and her #1 Spanish fan. This may sound slightly outlandish but consider the irrefutable evidence:
1. Cheryl's hair gets higher every week. A clever ploy to cover her horns.
2. Dannii's former #1 Spanish fan, Pablo of Peibols fame, recently had the nerve to suggest that Cheryl was the best X Factor judge and even began spamming my inbox with scantily clad images of the Girls Aloud hussy. The world hasn't witnessed this kind of demonic possession since Linda Blair's head started spinning in "The Exorcist". At this rate it's only a matter of time before Pablo projectile vomits pea soup and pleasures himself with a crucifix!
3. The latest Girls Aloud shitfest is called "The Promise" - a blatant reference to Cheryl's pact with Satan. I rest my case.
Now that Cheryl's true identity has been unveiled, I have faith that Dannii can thwart her evil plans by putting holy water in her douche or painting over the pentagram in her dressing room. Speaking of evil forces, Saturday's episode of the X Factor was utterly diabolical. Dannii looked like she had been attacked by a straightening iron, Cheryl displayed the full extent of her mediocrity by singing completely out of tune and the contestants were all rubbish. Even lovely Ruth Lorenzo managed to disappoint, although she redeemed herself with a fabulous rendition of "Purple Rain" after finishing in the bottom two. I'll never bitch about Australian Idol ever again!
Ruth shows the other bitches how it's done