Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Hard Candy - The Pop Trash Review

"Hard Candy" is the musical equivalent of being fisted by a thick wristed dwarf - a potentially amusing experiment that turns out to be nothing more than a monumentally embarrassing pain in the arse. Somebody wake me when Madonna's mid-life crisis is over. 1.5/10

28 comments:

tommie said...

Couldn't agree more! Horrid album.

Robpop said...

Agree.

MaryCherry said...

Most honest review yet on HC.

I hate it all except She's Not Me which is quite passable except for her hideous rhyming

Arlen said...

Are we listening to the same album? It's not quite as instant as Confessions but it's definitely a grower and up there with her best work!
'Incredible' is pretty much what the title suggests, as is 'Devil Wouldn't Recognize You', 'Give It 2 Me', 'Heartbeat', '4 Minutes', 'Dance 2nite' & 'Miles Away'.
The only real dud on the album is 'Voices' and even that is better than a lot of the crap other people are shovelling out these days!
I can't help but feel you made up your mind on this before you'd really given it a chance :(

MasterDroid said...

Her worst album. It's dreadful. After the absolute brilliance of "Confessions", how could she get it so wrong? The tracks sound like rushed demos, the production is uninspired (just Pharrel and Timbaland re-hashing all their previous work), and its all so safe. "Heartbeat" is the best of the lot.

Poor hag :(

I miss the Madonna who made the trends, not copied them :(

Adem With An E said...

I love it, loved the cover and am playing the whole thing lots, but FUCK did I laugh when I saw your photoshopping skills.

Even when we disagree, you still make me chuckle mister.

Justin said...

I couldn't agree more Mike! It's horrid contrived trash and as usual all the Hagdogga trolls are eating it up.

Ro Ro said...

This is awful. All Madonna has ever been was a trend thief. Usually it was just Kylie she was ripping off and other Euro artists now shes moved onto Justina. Pathetic and a sad attempt to be trendy. I have to admit though shes never looked better than on the cover of this. Her hair and hands look amazing! Sadly this will most likely be a hit in the usa which i find almost criminal. I loathe her now. I'm glad you honestly listen to her shit music and don't glorify her just because shes mandonna.

D'luv said...

Luv, this just made me fall backward into the curtains, ripping the rod off the wall and sending it crashing into Miss Pussy's fish plate.... and by that, I'm referring to Madonna's cock.

Anonymous said...

Jealous, jealous, little Lambs. You guys were just waiting to trash the Queen. Don't worry, Madge can take it. Bitches have been trying to steal her crown since 1983. She'll give it up when she's ready...In the meantime, I'll blast HC over those screaching, cow birthing tunes on "E=Whatever You Call It"!
Bow down bitches!!!

Andy said...

I'm not a fan of hip/hop or rap at ALL, but I think this album is fantastic! Although, maybe it's just me, of course.

Jay said...

The cover! Oh dear...

I can't bear to listen to this abysmal stinking aural turd the whole way through - which is never a good sign - so I can't actually give it a fair review, but from what I have endured so far you are being generous by at least a point. Only the woefully misnamed Music is worse...

*Listens to the fabulous Bedtime Stories and pretends the past decade hasn't happened for the doodoo*

Jamie said...

'Hard Candy' I ask you!?! I'm suprised she can manage them with her teeth. Love love love, the un-airbrused photo Mike.

There was a time Madonna was 'inventive' but if the '4 minutes' dirge is anything to go by then I'll be steering well and truly clear! Madge just give the gays what they want and leave the r'n'b to anyone who still have menstrual cycles.

Scarlett said...

Go on, tell us how you really feel, Mike! ;) Seriously though, even though I'm loving the album, your review had me lol'ing. :)

It's so obvious that Madonna's just trying to stay relevant with this album ("see my booty get down," Madonna? Really?), but I must be a sucker, 'cos I quite like it! Not a patch on Confessions, though.

undisco_me said...

I've said it's like a bullimic trying to purge on an empty stomach - only Incredible froths up anything instantly likeable for me.

I can't see any other song having the same skid marks as 4 Minutes though: Miles Away is being touted as the albums secret weapon, but I'd offer the plugged-in Heartbeat. Dance 2night also sounds pleasantly passable.

Her worst ever album, she needs to write with Patrick Leonard again or simply not bother. I would give it 6.5/10 incidentally.

Johnny D said...

I bought it today, and I think the problem is that all the good songs are hidden at the back of the second half, and the timbaland/pharell production offers nothing we haven't heard before.

The photo's and cd cover font is horrid as well. Madonna looks like a mean old hag in EVERY photo. Does she drink human blood now??

tim said...

Sorry, dont agree with that one.. love the album.. and the new cover! LOL

Miss Halliwell said...

I have reviewed it myself on my ravings blog...I am emotionally drained and want to punch fuck out of someone. Preferably Sharon Osbourne.

I blame Ethel Merman.

Fucking politcal bastard.

Miss H
x

LuverOfL♥ve said...

Sooner or later this album will grow on ppl... I hated it at first, b/c it did seem like she was having a mid-life crisis, but now I like it... ;-)

xx

Yeh said...

Dahlings usually when someone smells shit then it turns out to be shit. This is a lesson we need to learn with Hard Geritol.

Anonymous said...

Actually I have to admit it is starting to grow on me. There are definitely some turds on it but its not all that bad.

I stad my my comment on the photos in the album sleeve. Every one is the same horrid pose. Surely she could have projected some level of warmth in the pix???

Jamie_movietrip said...

Mike, you're going to hate me, but I don't think it's so bad. Candy Shop and She's Not Me are the absolute worst. But I like it, it reminds me of so many dodgy late 80's R&B pop albums. Dance2Nite is fab! I like Give It To Me & Heartbeat too. I love your cover though LOL. I'm glad she's singing like she used too again.

Kevin said...

You were too kind Mike... I would've given this piece of shit MINUS 10 STARS!

But then you gave that fucking skanky whore od Pariah Scarey a good review? Migrating to the toilet indeed! :)

If the U.S. government is still looking for Osama, all they have to do is drop these three bombs (Scariah's "E=MC²", Madge The Vadge's "Hard Candy", and Manet Manita Jo's "Discipline") in the mountains where he is hiding! That'll get the job done.

Anonymous said...

turd candy.

John Boy said...

I love it. You're nastier than me! I didn't think it possible...

Keep you the good work.

bubu said...

not sure how it sounds for english-epeaking people, but "Spanish Lessons" is most horrid song I've ever listened to.

dannii should do a cover of it.

Kenneth Walsh said...

Maybe she'll shock us with the ensuing tour and French-kiss a girl or even hang from a crucifix. Oh, wait.

rickbom said...

"it's definitely a grower and up there with her best work!"

OH SUR COZ LIEKS!11 MADONNA IS SO ORIGNIL!1 LOLS SERSLY U LAMBZ ARE JEASLOUS!11 LOLS

-_- You can't be fucking serious.