Thursday, July 26, 2007

Back To Basics Tour = SHIT

I'd rather be fingered by Edward Scissorhands than sit through Christina Aguilera's "Back To Basics" tour ever again. Last night's show at Sydney's Acer Arena was one of the most dismal concerts I have even seen. Cheap sets, poor sound quality, bad costumes and a pregnant diva in hotpants are just some of the reasons why "Back To Basics" is a 90 minute musical trainwreck.

Christina is not my favourite singer but I prefer her to most of the current batch of mainstream divas. If nothing else, Christina has a great voice and has developed into an interesting pop star. "Back To Basics" (the album) is an intriguing experiment and I respect her for having the guts to gamble on such a different sound - even if she doesn't quite pull it off. I was looking forward to see how Christina would blend her old material in with her new sound but found myself swiftly losing interest when she finally arrived on stage two hours late.

After such a long delay, the anticipation was palpable. However, instead of making an entrance, Christina doesn't even appear on stage for the first number. Instead a film clip - largely derivative of Madonna's "Express Yourself" - played on a large screen before the dirrty one waddled down a moving staircase wearing white hotpants and more make-up than an army of drag queens. I'm sure the outfit would have been rather flattering if Christina wasn't heavily up the duff with a very noticeable baby bump. Then there was her skin. I'm convinced Christina has raided Kelly Llorenna's lifetime supply of fake tan and used it all at once because I have never before seen a human being look so orange. Christina might have looked like trailer trash on Halloween but the opening song, a rousing rendition of "Ain't No Other Man" was fantastic. Unfortunately, everything went downhill from there.

"Ain't No Other Man" was followed by a series of dreary songs from "Back To Basics", which perhaps 10 percent of the crowd were familiar with. To make matters worse there were no sets or props - just 8 dancers on a massive, empty stage. Which became increasingly barren due to Christina's habit of disappearing after every song to spray on more bronzer and to change into new hotpants. Any sense of continuity was destroyed by her long absences and poor choice of material. When Christina did get around to singing one of her old songs, she ruined the moment by giving it a jazzy makeover. I had no idea she was even singing "Come On Over" until the final chorus.

One of evening's few bright moments occurred when Christina appeared on the back of carousel horse singing "Dirrty". It was the only time I saw people standing up until the final encore. Things continued to spiral downwards when Christina finally decided to talk to the audience - and gave a 5 minute lecture on domestic violence. For added effect, a black and white film clip of a woman being violently assaulted was played during Christina's "inspirational talk". Less than 15 minutes later, Xtina had a rest and played another clip - this time of her rolling around semi-naked, spreading her legs. I'm glad the thousands of 10 year old girls in the audience have such a quality role model! By this stage not even a surprisingly extravagant circus segment or a delicious interpretation of "Candyman" could save this sinking ship. The vast majority of the crowd had simply lost interest. Luckily, Christina had filmed some fan testimonials to play in the background. I almost lost lost my dinner when one desperate individual cooed that Christina "makes me feel alive each and every day". I mean, really!

The concert ended with great performances of "Beautiful" and "Fighter" but a competent encore does not make up for the dirge that went before it. The concert stumbled from one disaster to the next. Christina has as much charisma as a floating turd and the staging was less elaborate that Dannii's gay nightclub tour. I know that Christina has a fantastic voice but it was impossible to tell with the poor sound system and her shrill screaming. "Back To Basics" is a desperate new low for live entertainment.


Jamie said...

What a fabulous review. Christina is truly a slutty orange whore who makes an oompa-loompa look like an albino. Oh and yes this means that I am actually a fan.

Zac said...

:( how shit

Trash Addict said...

Poor Xtina - I fear her baby will pop out looking like Kelly Llorenna! Surely it's dangerous to use that much fake tan.

The show was really disappointing. I liked the "Stripped" tour but this concert was just dire.

Tallsonofagun said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you for saying this. Jesus, this was a horrible concert! I saw her in Boston back in March with my boyfriend who was visiting from Spain and I bought the tickets for his birthday (I paid a crapload of money for good seats for us - which I never do). After the concert, he looked at me like the bitchy queen he is and said (no lie), "You owe me another birthday present because this one sucked." He was soooo right and needless to say we are now married and living in Spain (you gotta love an honest man who isn´t afraid to hurt your feelings when it´s the honest truth).

Really, when you spend $300 on concert tickets for a birthday present and you end up having to pay even more to make up for what a horrible present it turned out to be, then you know the concert blew. It was AWFUL!!!!

The sound sucked, she was offstage changing more than she was onstage singing, the sets were basically downgraded & recycled from Cher and Janet´s last few tours, the new versions of her older hits were unlistenable and the opening act of The Pussycat Dolls lip-synching on an empty stage for 30 minutes was far better than her whole concert.

I was a HUGE Christina fan before, but now I just want to punch her in the face - of which her 5 minute domestic violence talk is one of the main reasons. Just sing and entertain me for God´s sake! If I want a talk on domestic violence, I´ll attend a Gloria Steinem lecture.

Anyone who loves Xtina and thinks there is no way the concert could be that bad, do not buy tickets because it really is that horrible. Trust!

Miss Heidi Von Binterschlappen said...

I'm sorry I missed it now - it sounds hilarious!

And you'd think she would drop the whole 20's / 30's / 40's / 50's /60's (pick the relevant era you think she wants to be rehashing) sound by now - it sucked with her duet with smelly where she seemed to be trying to be in the 20's, it sucked with her featuring pissy 60's cover and sucked throughout the whole B2B album.

Trash Addict said...

Tallsonofgun - It really was a paindul experience, wasn't it? I would have left but I was kind of mesmerised by how bad it was. I hear she's cancelled the rest of the tour now. I guess she finally realised that rolling around in a corset is somewhat uncouth when heavily pregnant!

Jay - you really didn't miss a thing but I think you would have been amused by the random domestic violence seminar!

Tallsonofagun said...

There is no doubt she is talented, but I honestly think she wants to portray herself as a latter day Madonna in concert. Judging by the mess I saw though, it was closer to seeing Samantha Fox in concert than Madonna.

When are these people ever gonna learn? Hire the best, give them a basic outline of what you want, take all their advice and remove your ego - don´t just settle for Jody Watley´s tour castoffs so you can exert your misguided power over them and do the exact show that you envision. It never looks or sounds nearly as good on stage as it does in a singer´s head.

Adem IAR said...

And now she's cancelled the rest of her Oz tour due to an 'illness'. MAYBE SHE READ YOUR ON-THE-BALL REVIEW AND DECIDED TO JUST PACK UP AND LEAVE?

Anonymous said...

As much as I appreciate your Christina Aguilera tour review - I don't think it's necessary to be so nasty in your description.

For example, "Fuck Off Christina" written across a picture is just plain immature, you call yourself a fan?

When you say "I almost lost my dinner when one desperate individual cooed that Christina "makes me feel alive each and every day". I mean, really!" - This is someone's feelings towards a singer who he/she obviously admires - who are you to say that?

"Christina has as much charisma as a floating turd." - How crude.

I don't particularly care what you say about my comment here, I just wanted to air my views and share them with you.

Thank you.

Trash Addict said...

TSOAG - Samantha Fox and Jody Watley would never stoop so low!

Adem - I'm glad Xtina's pulled the plug on the tour while she still has some dignity left! She just looked incredibly disinterested. She needs to just have her baby and re-group.

Dear Anon - I'm happy for everyone to share their opinion. However, I was actually being quite restrained. Xtina has less charisma than a used tampon but I thought that was a little bit too uncouth.

Miss Heidi Von Binterschlappen said...

I live for the anonymous posters comments on your blog! Is this the same anonymous as before or a different one?

Robpop said...


"Here! Had such fun running this up on your nice little electric machine that goes frontwards and backwards and sideways and all around the town and buttonholes and god knows what other shit! Well you can stick your stupid little frock!"

Lola is an icon!


(this is how i feel about Xtina and the odd comments on your blog. Lola would love you PTA!!! Just love you!)

We all know Lola would kick the shit out of Didi of Dannii's epic 1992 smash "Secrets".

Tallsonofagun said...

A Samantha Fox / Jody Watley double bill - Now that is a show I´d pay money to see.

Anonymous said...

trash addict.. love your wit and sharp insight. You go girl! From a gay admirer in Sydney.

Trash Addict said...

Aww thanks doll!