Monday, May 28, 2007

The Ex-Lesbian & The Carpenters

After a series of relatively "highbrow" posts (by my standards!), I feel the desperate need to wallow in some hardcore pop trash or even better, some pop FILTH. If anyone can quench my thirst for lowbrow music, then it is reformed lesbian/Karen Carpenter impersonator, Jackie Clune. I kneel down to the powers that be at Klone Records for fostering "talent" like Jackie's. I'm not sure who actually thought that remaking classic Carpenters' songs as tragic dance anthems was a good idea but they surely deserve some kind of medal. Jackie's renditions of "Calling Occupants" and "Close To You" are tragifabulous in the extreme. I just hope Karen isn't listening from above!

The interesting thing about Jackie Clune, well apart from her questionable taste in music, is her current position as the poster girl for reformed lesbians. Jackie was a finger licking dyke between 1988 and 2000 before deciding she needed a good pounding. I found this article from The Guardian utterly fascinating. I can understand her craving cock only too well but who decides to be gay as a political gesture in the first place? Just think of all those years of bad hair and baggy trousers when her heart really wasn't in it. Silly cunt. Since leaving the sisterhood, Jackie has popped out 4 children, appeared on Eastenders and toured in Mamma Mia. Thankfully, she somehow found time to establish herself as England's leading Karen Carpenter interpreter and joined Klone Records' galaxy of "stars".

"Calling Occupants Of Interplanetary Craft" is one of my favourite Carpenters' songs, mainly because it is so fucking ridiculous. That's probably why it lends itself so wonderfully to the Klone treatment. Jackie's version of "Calling" has become something of a cult classic since its release with good reason. It's spine-chillingly tragic. Jackie's other stunning Carpenters' cover is "Close To You", which appeared on Klone's ultra classy "Mad About The Boy 3" compilation. "Close To You" does not reach the same craptastic heights as "Calling" but it is an enjoyable dance cover. Sit back and revel in the glorious sounds of Jackie Clune!

You can purchase Jackie's brilliant singles and the "Mad About The Boy" compilations from Klone's website. They also turn up regularly on English Ebay.


Miss Halliwell said...

I saw Jackie perform Calling at some gay thing at The Royal Albert Hall many years ago. Her & The PSB were the highlights of an otherwise very politically correct evening!

Jackie is a durty bitch spitting out all those children! And without the aid of a turkey baster!

Lesbians are abnormal anyway, why have strap-ons and dildos shaped like cocks? They are obviously gagging for a bit of wood!

If i was a lesbian i would just sit on my fingers and hope for some rainfall!...

Well done on bringing Jackie Clune to the masses!

And please don't tell me that shagging 'Fat Barry' in Eastenders turned her straight...Oh God, i hope not!

Robpop said...

*Please fuck me with that strap-on and some tofu-jam tarts*

just !!!!!!!!!


this !!!!!!!!!

Excellent post. Yet again. Jackie has a bad rep here in London. Well old school "queerlondon". It turns out the girl was never actually a dyke. She's even got married now. She whored herself as a lesbian to promote her book, her stage show and beyond. She is the gay diva gone absolutely wrong!

Which is why shes fabulous.

I do remember when attending a stonewall gig some years ago she came on and a cosmic dyke dressed up as a robot in the VIP section screamed out her "don't be doing the fucking Karen Carpenter shite you've bene doing for the past twenty years". Then a silence fell around the Victoria and Albert Hall. Clune looked around the audience. Coughed and begun her set.

Which was a Carpenter song.

The audience groaned and i don't think she's ever returned to such a stage again. My boyfriend worked a lot in the gay scene and hasn't got a nice word to say about her. I however find her rather funny and love her to bits.

Robpop said...

The point is.....when her act/career started to dry up.....she suddenly went straight. The article in the Guardian was laughed at by most in queer London. Cynics believed that the shift in sexual orientation had little to do with identity but.....

All was was a simple realisation that the market had got bored with the same act. Not sexual identities but instead sexual economies.

Harsh. Its not for me say whether its true or not.


If she knew anything about Queer politics she'd know it has nothing to with law, supremacy and so on. But that is my critical theory background coming out.

I love the fact that she thinks us gays walked out on her stage acts because she suddenly became straight. How egotistical. Darling, people were walking out because she got a bit boring. That is all....

(the more i read that article...the more i see why people don't like her..)

Ro Ro said...

I loved jackies calling occupants it was fabulous. Thank u for this post on her. She is truly tragic but u can't help but love her covers.

Trash Addict said...

Deirdre, you do have a way with words. Sit on your fingers indeed!

Rob, I can't believe poor Jackie was heckled at Stonewall! Oh well, the cunt probably deserved it. I agree about that article. It is very egocentric. However, I find it kind of fascinating.. for all the wrong reasons.

Roro, I'm sure you are my American doppelganger! Regardless of her sexual politics, I find Jackie's music completely addictive.

Miss Halliwell said...

Ms Clune is a Loon. And i think that all stems from lesbianism.

The thing i want to know is...Did Jackie EVER sleep with a woman, or did she simply make it up to promote her singing career (a-hem!) as her being 'totally different'?

Lesbian pop stars don't fair very well anyway do they? Except KD Labia Licker or Dannii (Licker)...LOL

Anonymous said...

The writer Jackie Clune (Extreme Motherhood/Man of the month club) is currently in Billy Elliot (London).

She has a singing voice herself!

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